I'm Still Here

I'm feeling a little discouraged today.

I want to enroll for a Human Services Diploma program. 2 years at whatever institution. The problem is the place I'm applying to no longer has it open, bummer. I guess that means I'll hafta do some searching around here in the Okanagan for other institutions that have the program available as well. My first two choices are out the window, which has me a bit bummed out.

I've been waiting for a counsellor to phone me regarding assault. After I did my intake they said to expect a phone call within a week to set up my first appointment. Called and left a message that I had to yet to receive this call, and when they returned it they stated that I've been wait-listed because it was not within the recent past, but months ago. The lady stated that it could take months to 1 year to be eligable for services through their organization and that 1-1 servicves were available on a sliding fee scale. On their upside I've been scheduled to begin a 6 month program with them that starts in September. Joy.

The kids are coming for a visit this weekend. I'm apprehensive because that conversation is going to be had. The conversation where we inform them that we're separating. Fuck. I wish that I could just have a calm time where I can centre myself. I can figure out what I don't want to do, but placing my finger on what I WANT is confusing me quite a bit.

I rather feel that just as I'm starting to get my feet under me they get swept right back out. Like I'm not being given a chance to get what I need. It's frustrating. It's not fair. I want to stomp my feet and scream. Instead, I'll go light up a cigarette, grab a glass of water, and figure out what my next step is. Keep chugging along, and hope that something will eventually work out. Hope that it is sooner, rather than later. Try not to feel overwhelmed, and focus on one small step, the one directly in front of me rather than behind me.

I wish someone would hug me, hold me, and tell me it's going to be alright. I wish someone could comfort me. I wish I had more concrete support. The reality is that I don't. The reality is that I'm alone in this, and I have no one but myself to rely on. And just like every other time in my life, it's up to me to pick up the baggase and move on.

Fuck you world, cause I'm still here.