Thursday, June 23, 2011

From the Coffee Shop

I'm a little anxious today. I've got an appointment with a psychiarist at the hospital where I am attending a 10 day class in coping skills. While the class itself seems fairly unstructured, I'm making myself attend until the end. It's a challenge waking up and gettingg ready in the morning, given the lack of sleep, but I make it.
Today, I assume that I'll be receiving an initial diagnosis on my mental health. Judging fromt he paperwork they've handed me so far, it looks like I may wind up with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course there's a mix of depression in there, but meh.
I've got ideas floating around, and while I sit and simmer them, I'm afraid of which step to take first.
I'm also grieving. Grieving the loss of my relationship, and grieving because I'm starting all over again. All over again, on my own. I'm starting to focus on my mental health on my own. While I have various people I call for support, it doesn't compare to a significant other giving me a hug, telling me they love me, and that it will all be alright. It doesn't compare to sharing myself with someone, with understanding and compassion. I'm relying on myself to get me through this. I have to look inside to find my own motivations. It makes for lonely going. I'm not afraid of being alone, but it would make things a lot more comfortable to cope if I had someone to rely on besides people on the phone.
So, here I am, waiting for a diagnosis and to find out where I can go from there.
My little H is having his 5th Birthday this weekend. I'll be travelling back to visit for the night, then making my way back down to Kelowna. I'm afraid that I won't be able to cope with seeing all my friends and my spouse, and the kids all at once. I'm afraid someone is going to tell me all the rumors that I've been told are flying around about me. I'm afraid of saying good-bye again after a mere 24 hour visit with my kids. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.
I have to start out with nothing, and build myself into a real home, but eventually I'm going to have to move closer to them so I can share custody. I'm not going to be strong enough, or financially stable enough to do that for a while. This means I'm looking at a long time without having the kids in my care. This breaks my heart as well. My two main reasons for living are not within my care because I'm unable to care for them.
It's difficult to do daily reminders that I'm here for them, and that I need to show them what life is supposed to be like. It's difficult not to slip into self pity, and feel sorry for myself. It's difficult not to beat myself up over my many mistakes, over what led me here.
I'm grieving. Grieving the past, possible time wasted, the future that will never be. I now know that I will never celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary, or a 65th (like my step-grandparents did last weekend). I know that I may never have any more children.
I saw some people from my former parenting & family groups the other day, and it broke my heart. I felt jealous that they had what looked like happy families. They had an outpouring of support surrounding them. They had pride. I felt it unfair that they had what they did, and I was sitting there without anyone to cuddle or cheer on.
So, today I see the Doctor, and formulate a plan for how I am going to survive. Let's see what the day will bring.

1 thoughtful remarks:

Osbasso said...

I have a feeling you're going to come out of this a much stronger woman. But admittedly, it's not going to be an easy journey.

On another note--I really like your profile pic!