Ponderings

Some days I can breathe, some days are tough to get out of bed.
It's quiet, and my mind is occupied by my mom's collection of Buffy The Vampire Slayer series on DVD.
I'm doing projects that allow me to sit on the couch, and occupy my hands.
I miss my kids.
I'm spending a lot of time in reflection. I'm spending a lot of time with myself.
It's been cloudy & rainy a lot. Kind of like how I feel inside.
I bounce back and forth between wondering if it was worth my hospitalization, and considering my future.
The system is giving me a helluva time. Trying to access the help I need is a challenge, but Im working on it.
It's hard to take care of myself. To cook, & eat, bathe, and sleep enough (or too little). Finding a balance isn`t easy.
While I wish my life was what it was, I know I can`t have the things I earned back in Clearwater. I can see the end of my job, and I can see that my life is moving on.
I watch the world continue out the window, I occasionally step out of the house when I`m dragged, and I ponder.
I ponder what I am, what I've done, what's been done to me. I wonder how I can leave my kids, then remember that I wasn`t doing them any good just being there. If I can just keep working, if I can get the help I need, maybe I'll be able to tuck them in at night again.
Maybe it's time I admit just how deeply ill I am. At some point I will need to face the truth. I hide, and I run, but in the end I'm always left alone with myself. In the end I have nothing to fear but what is within myself, ability or depravity.