Saturday, December 03, 2011

Suicidal Thoughts

It's been a long week. I swear I'm suffering from "Sympathy Recovery", LOL   I've noticed that when MIL isn't feeling too perky I'm right there with her, and when she's feeling unstoppable we're both able to accomplish a whole bunch.
Since being here I've gone to see the newest Twilight Movie, which left little hearts circling my head, and gone to the Okanagan Bingo Casino. That last one was interesting, considering they smoke indoors down here. Eeew, is all I can say. It was an hour before my eyes started burning and my throat was so dry I could only croak. When I left I felt totally saturated, and showered when I got home. It wasn't until this morning that I got rid of that taste. It was fun, in any event, but I found it rather small.
I've also been crafting with my time, crocheting, and weaving, and reading my way through Christmas magazines. I've got a few ideas of what I want to do with the kids when I get home.
I sure have missed them and their bouncy enthusiasm. Their Christmas concert, and their School Photos came & went this week. Am hoping I can make something small for the children in H's class for their Christmas party, but we shall see what I can come up with.
Lots of things to contemplate this week. Death & suicide & my mindset 6 months ago. The differences between those on the north and south side of the border, and just how lifestyles can cause such drastic differences.
I've applied for a job with the local school district, and gone through the interview, and was required to speak to some old co-workers for references. That was a wee-bit uncomfortable, considering the questions they asked me, and the pointed tones in their voices referring to my mental health at the time that I left. It truly left me wondering if I shouldn't just apply for those little jobs for the time being, until I feel like it won't be watching over my shoulder and glaringly fresh.
Yes, I had a mental health breakdown. Yes, I was suicidal, and I'm here in front of you asking you to employ me. Yes, I have unresolved issues in my personal life, who doesn't? Yes, I've sought treatment for these  issues, and am coping the best I can with the help of my family and friends.
This past 6 months feel like I've lived a lifetime, and I'm assuming it will take ages to work my way through the events of the last 6 months.
Suicide attempts, hospitalizations, separations, searching for help and not receiving it, and my spiral into addictions I had assumed were resolved, and my subsequent re-resolving, the passing of 3 family members, reconciliation, finding the help I needed, and acceptance of the three things I need to survive.
In truth, when you see it listed like that it is a lifetime. When you see it like that, one can see that I'm starting over again, hopefully more aware from y experiences.
When I consider suicide, and it's ramifications, I can't help but think to myself that it's a justified state for some. For those who are un-save-able. While those who've passed on in this manner have saddened me with their passing, I find myself unable to be angry or holding them to blame. I merely find myself saddened by the loss and truly sympathetic to their plight.. I'm wondering if that's weird. Do those left behind in the wake of suicide usually feel that way?
It all leaves a lot left for me to ponder, and that's exactly what I've been doing. Silently, mind you, because I don't know exactly what I idea I want formed until I've sorted it all through.
All in all it's been quite the ride so far, and it's working it's way back to what would resemble normal for me. It all leaves me wondering what normal is too, but that's a question for another day, I think.

0 thoughtful remarks: