Well. I had a bad weekend. How was yours?
I fucked it up, I did drugs this weekend. I spent one day in the hospital in withdrawl.
I'm sore as shit. My entire body hurts from the tremors, and from the muscle spasms that were uncontrollable.
I haven't used in over 10 years.
I'm pissed that after a month and a half of trying to access services, all of the sudden every place I had been trying to get servicdes through contacted me regarding my hospital visit.
I'm fucking angry that even though I reached out before I fucked up, that the door was slammed in my face. I'm fucking pissed that I had to fuck up before anyone thought I actually needed help contacted me.
I'm enraged that I had to resort to emergency services for help. I ranted and raved to the Social Worker/Mental Health worker about everything I had tried, and informed her of the closed doors and fucking waiting lists and the stupid "Saftey Agreement" the idiots gave me when I informed them of my desire to commit suicide. At each mention of each agency her mouth dropped open a little wider.
Why the fuck would I WANT to go on living if no one will help me with the issues I have now.
Essentially the message that I got from each place was that my issues were not a priority to them and that I could wait.
The result from their fucked up belief was me using, and winding up in withdrawl.
I was one step away from becoming hooked again. I was one step away from becoming someone's whore for drugs.
The Kelowna Mental Health System failed me.
Let's hope that the Social Worker I saw today will give me the help I need. If he can't, I'm giving you my bonafide guarantee that I'm not going to make it through this summer alive.