Monday, July 25, 2011

I Used

Well. I had a bad weekend. How was yours?
I fucked it up, I did drugs this weekend. I spent one day in the hospital in withdrawl.
I'm sore as shit. My entire body hurts from the tremors, and from the muscle spasms that were uncontrollable.
I haven't used in over 10 years.
I'm pissed that after a month and a half of trying to access services, all of the sudden every place I had been trying to get servicdes through contacted me regarding my hospital visit.
I'm fucking angry that even though I reached out before I fucked up, that the door was slammed in my face. I'm fucking pissed that I had to fuck up before anyone thought I actually needed help contacted me.
I'm enraged that I had to resort to emergency services for help. I ranted and raved to the Social Worker/Mental Health worker about everything I had tried, and informed her of the closed doors and fucking waiting lists and the stupid "Saftey Agreement" the idiots gave me when I informed them of my desire to commit suicide. At each mention of each agency her mouth dropped open a little wider.
Why the fuck would I WANT to go on living if no one will help me with the issues I have now.
Essentially the message that I got from each place was that my issues were not a priority to them and that I could wait.
The result from their fucked up belief was me using, and winding up in withdrawl.
I was one step away from becoming hooked again. I was one step away from becoming someone's whore for drugs.
The Kelowna Mental Health System failed me.
Let's hope that the Social Worker I saw today will give me the help I need. If he can't, I'm giving you my bonafide guarantee that I'm not going to make it through this summer alive.

1 thoughtful remarks:

Osbasso said...

OK...because I'm an 'always look on the bright side of life' kinda that they HAVE contacted you, go forward with it (but keep the documentation that you've tried beforehand).

I still think you're gonna beat this!