Saturday, January 31, 2009
Yep, after a few nights worth of heckling, the Mr and D work on the car together and finish it the night before. Typical.
Mr volunteered to help set up the track and such last night, then this morning we had to arrive early for any finishing touches that needed to be done. We woke early, and got everyone ready, as we were all excited about today's races. We grabbed breakfast and headed out the door. We set ourselves up at the Hut, and got settled in and ready for the day to begin.
I designated myself photographer, and had the best seat in the house...mainly because I got there first. I got some videos, dunno how great the quality is yet though, cause I haven't had a chance to look them over.
D's car was under weight, and so when it was weighed in the Mr decided to add a bunch of weights to it to bring it up to weight, and then they set off.
Afterward, it was only a matter of settling in and watching the fun...of course the Tiger Cubs went first, but that also meant that we'd have to wait until everyone else was finished. Now, my good time was nearly ruined by the other den mothers, as they had such rotten attitudes that I was actually embarrassed, shocked, and ashamed that they had the gall to behave the way they did. Don't know what we'll be doing to remedy this situation in the future, but rest assured we won't let this one lie.
After racing 9 other cars, in a double elimination, D came in First (not losing a single race!) for the Tiger Cubs, and Fourth over-all (out of 35, and he only lost his last two). It sure surprised us, as we weren't really expecting anything out of it at all, honestly. He was happy, and we were very proud of his sportsman-like conduct through the event. If anything he just got a bit of a sugar burnout, as the refreshments provided were loaded with sugar.
Just another day in the MM household.
After we all got home it was snack & nap time. We all slept about 2-3 hours...was great, and refreshing, now I'm ready for stay up late night.
at 2:01 PM
Friday, January 30, 2009
Sue, over at Coffee Slut has been driving me crazy. I've been impatiently waiting for 9 other ppl (besides myself) to ask for her to post her Mr's lyrics to this song. We only need one more person to ask, do me a favor...go do it! Be the lucky #10 and put me out of my misery!! Please!
at 7:49 AM
1. I'd really like to be about 30 pounds lighter right now.
2. Fudge Nuggets *ARE* (is) the word you'd most often hear me say if I stubbed my toe.
3. Possession is materialistic.
4. What I would give for 30 minutes below deck with Captain Jack Sparrow...
5. Marshmallows and fire go together like sleep & bed.
6. If you let my 6 year old tell you about his games for the Wii, he will go on and on.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to finishing the finger puppets I started making for D's class, tomorrow my plans include watching some Pine Car Derby Races @ the Scout Hut and Sunday, I want to play in the snow if it's still here!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Had friends over last night, after I got the kids to sleep, of course. Last night was horrendous, for the record. I felt horrible, tired, fatigued, like I had run a marathon and was in an energy hangover. Thankfully, once I explained to the boys that I wasn't feeling so hot and to take it easy on me, they eased up on the amount of energy they had and slowed down a bit. They both went to sleep with little fuss.
Did I mention that H has begun adjusting to his own bed? He's been sleeping in it for about 4 hours each night by himself, without me being right there, and even through the whole night when I feel up to going and getting him back to sleep. Slowly but surely, we'll eventually get there.
I've been having issues with said folks who visit and the behavior surrounding such things. Suffice to say that I feel like I'm a bit of a stranger, and something is lacking. Bringing it to light to my Mr, he doesn't really grasp why I feel that way, and after getting frustrated trying to explain it to him when I don't fully understand it myself, I just left it at "I'm in need of something, it's your duty to comply. There should be no why". I feel like I'm floating along on truly thin ice between a line of the regular tolerant me, and the side where I become a psychotic bitch. Now, it's not really that far from me, honestly. I'm not a jealous person, never really have been (I'm comfortable in the knowledge that I will always be the better person). All the things I've seen so far have been working their way to making me one, and I just don't like feeling that way, so am taking appropriate steps to adjust that, and hopefully remedy the situation.
Suffice to say that today was a nice stress reliever, but it didn't diminish the underlying tensions that seem to be abounding. Sad, but with faith and communication, all will be well. Sometimes it just takes time to process before we can express it clearly, and I'm patient, so I don't mind waiting until he's put his finger on it before he brings it up to me. Until then all I can do is suggest those other alleviators to help us cope with the rough terrain that we really seem to be facing.
at 3:17 PM
1. Have you ever felt alone, but yet there are people around you? Of course...oh so emo.
2. Do you have any video game consoles? Which ones? We have a Wii that we bought D for his 6th birthday, dunno how we're gonna outdo it this year.
3. Do you freak out at food warnings/outbreaks, such as the recent peanut butter salmonella scare? Ha...no. I know a few people who do though...
4. What color/pattern is your beds' comforter/bedspread? I have a blue one on there that is dark blue at one end, and fades to light blue at the other. The one I have on reserve is a king size (a little too big for the queen bed I have) white with a small pink flower print sparsely put on it. It's pleasant enough. The blankets & stuff are usually plain, but the sheets are a bit whack.
5. How many windows do you have in your house? 12
6. Name six things that are in your bathroom. Depends on which one you're talking about. Upstairs - Inspector Hector Plaque Detector, Wal Mart Brand (as opposed to Neutrogena) of Nourishing Body Oil, A Hand Mirror, Thomas the tank engine training toothpaste, a basket of small toys.
Downstairs - Washer & Dryer, Dental Floss, All Hand Towels, Costco sized box of Oxy Clean, the Iron, Box of Cloth Diapers/liners/plastic pants.
7. How big is your garage? Should it be bigger? Big enough to fit our truck and still be able to get out of it comfortably. I think it's big enough as it is, any bigger and we could classify it a double.
8. Got your taxes done yet? Nope.
9. Think of a mental disorder..... why did you think of that particular one? Schizophrenia. I thought of it because my father-in-law has it.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Had a dentist appointment this morning. Needed a couple of fillings...bummer, I had fillings on each side, so my whole mouth ended up numb, unfortunately. Did I mention we're under a Level 2 Snow Warning? It crazy snowy out, and it's coming down so fast you can't tell if they've plowed or not (which I'm sure they have). As they were working on my mouth I watched the ceiling and every now and then I took a peek outside and almost every time the snow was blowing sideways.
I'm starving. Am making Hamburger Stew. Yum.
The dentist was really nice, a new one (after the last experience, I needed it!), who's in the same town as I am, about 8 minutes away. A bright, up-to-date office with little sticky men stuck to the ceiling, which I found very entertaining. So, he was very friendly, and attentive, and I found out he used to live in my house years ago! Small world. He kept checking to make sure I couldn't feel what he was doing, and if I could he'd shoot me up with more numbing junk. He did the injections slowly, and I hardly even felt them. When he first came in he asked how I was doing, and I admitted I was feeling a bit nervous and he did offer me gas, but I declined. I get all claustrophobic when they put that mask on. Truly, I can only remember once having a mask on, and that was in the hospital just after I arrived in labor with H, and I hated it.
In all, I was in there for two hours, the Dr. did the drilling and the like, then he sent in a "filling specialist" who then proceeded to spend about an hour filling my teeth to her liking, and I honestly can't even tell I have fillings in the teeth they worked on. That's one heckuva specialist. They worked tirelessly on getting my bite right (as opposed to last time where they only adjusted once or twice) and sent me on my way. Had to dig my truck out, and throw it into 4 wheel drive to make it home. Most of the staff from that office were being sent home, save for a select few who were staying to complete work on another patient before they too headed for home.
I'm surprised it's so windy, though I know I shouldn't be...cause it's Ohio.
After arriving home D was very fascinated that I could only move a portion of my face and mouth and kept asking me to make different facial expressions to test my numbness. Of course, I obliged...keep that dentist fear at bay I say! I was a bit disappointed that I didn't have any soup ready, but it makes for an adventure making it myself. I love the anticipation of smelling the items in the pot and getting my tastebuds ready for a feast that only I seem to enjoy.
Did I mention school was cancelled today? I'm assuming because it is, that there will also be no Ice Skating for D tonight as well. I'm looking forward to working on some finger puppets that I started lastnight. I'll take pictures and post them later, but I'm really surprised at how easy they were, no more than 20 minutes on each one, tops!
I'll probably set the boys up here in the dining room next to me while I sew, and we can all watch a movie on the computer. The Mr has to close the store tonight, but who knows if they're planning on staying open or not.
Need to go check that stew...am feeling kinda woosy from that silly T3 I took, was starting to feel pain, and rather than wait for my food to finish I took it on an empty stomache...silly girl.
at 10:42 AM
Monday, January 26, 2009
On occasion, I have been known to watch this stupid channel out of sheer boredom. I've never had my own credit card. Honestly. Not one Mastercard, Visa, Capital One. I've had credit cards in my wallet with other people's accounts and my name on them (so I'm validated to use), but never my own actually credit card. Maybe I should change that when I start working again. Because of this weird Anomaly, whenever I watch these shows I desperately want a few of the items and truly regret not being able to phone in on a whim to get them.
Items I really really want:
The Cricut (pronounced Cricket). Shown on the left. It's a Die Cutting machine. It can make stencils, cut out fancy schmancy letters, lace, and really make things really decorative. Did I mention it can cut through fabric as well?? I drooled when I saw the infomercial for this product, and I'm still angry I didn't ask someone to buy it for me.
The In-Styler. Oh man, if I could curl my hair in 7 minutes instead of the 20 I'm workin at now my upper floor of my house would have much less cleaning up to do when I decide to concentrate on me.
To Do: Get your own damned credit card, and save enough on it for those "discreet" home shopping experiences after buying the above items.
at 4:18 PM
Phew...phase two of the PTO Raffle Committee obligations is over and done with. The first phase was to hit up as many businesses as we could. Together, my Mr, myself, and the 1 other committee member hit up 162 places for donations. I still have about 45 letters left over that I may just send out again anyways. I can think of a few places that we missed. Sentthe info off to my mom (I'm cheating, but that's what moms are for!) to work together into a spreadsheet for me, now need to figure out the value of each donated item, and put that into it as well. Closer to said event (which is the last week in March BTW) we'll be bundling up G/C's and donations together for the formation of fantastic raffle prizes for both the public, and for the volunteers. Oh boy, oh boy. I'm surprised I've made it this far. I'm hoping the worst is passed now, and I think I'm safe in doing so. In any event, I'm feeling far from discouraged about it all at this point, and am rather proud we've accomplished as much as we have. Just wish the box was more full, but it's not because we got mainly donations of Free Admissions and G/C's. Yay Us.
Off to go cook dinner...gotta work on January's Letter and February's Cards with the boys this eve.
at 2:35 PM
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Was tagged by Jack @ Slightly Off Center for this one...
Rules of the game:
1. Go to the the 4th folder where you keep your pictures on your computer.
2. Post the 4th picture in the folder.
3. Explain the photo.
4. Tag 4 fellow bloggers to join in the fun!
This was taken in August. I was photographing the evidence of my work that worked it's way to a Watermelon bowl. This is the Honeydew, and Cantaloupe and bits of scraped out Watermelon that actually only took me one hour to ball. I thought it would take longer.
I label all of my photo folders according to month, year, and set #. On average I end up with about 5 sets per month, and each one varies with the amount of photos I've taken. I'm horrible for not deleting those shots that are not Flickr-worthy. Really, I need to get rid of them. They're hogging room on my computer for no reason, no one's going to see them but me. Delete already lady...maybe I'll just burn them to disc. :oD
I tag: whomever feels like playing. If it weren't such a tag-aholic time I would name names, but since they're currently hitting the blog-o-sphere pretty hard right now I leave it to your discretion :o)
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I watched my two year old pick all of the marshmallows out of his bowl of Lucky Charms this morning. It was amazing...you can't tell me he hasn't got dexterity. Did I mention he refused to eat the rest of the cereal? Yeah...classic.
My aunt recommended this Craftzine site to me, and since I've been reading it I've seen so many projects that I want to try! Thank goodness they have archives or I'd bookmark every project that I have my eye on...like this one, about making a fabric bowl with cording, and any fabric you wish. I have visions of giving these things away as gifts to family members, if I can only make it to the store to get the proper amount of cording I'll be in the clear!
Have you ever watched a toddler run? Mini-humans, with uber cute actions that mimic what we do on a daily basis. I love to watch H run. His hands ball up and go right to his sides as they swing back and forth close to his body, his hips rotate with each step, and he seems to defy gravity, leaning into each corner, like that tells him which way to go. If he's asked me to come and look at something, this is the point where he checks back over his shoulder with a quick glance and either picks up his pace or stops to wait for me.
I love watching him concentrate on opening something small in his hands. He stares deliberately at it, and decides his best course of action before he even attempts to open it. Then his face crinkles up in his imitation of a childlike frown, and his eyelashes are long against his cheeks as he nearly goes cross-eyed when he brings the object close to his face to examine. His fingers pinch off miniscule pieces, and as each piece comes off he hands it to me with a little "Here mom" so I can collect it all and throw it in the garbage for him.
Did I mention we had an appointment with the plumber this morning? We have hot water heat, and since it's still cold in the house (though it's bearable, there's no reason why it should still require us to use a space heater cause everything in the downstairs in plastic-ed up, and we even got new weather stripping on the doors) we talked to the Landlord about it. He recommended we consult his plumber, and that we could wind up switching over to electric instead, which is fine with us. I decided to call sleeping in this morning, as my last meeting with the plumber was not a great experience. We met as I was bringing the kids up the stairs with some paint supplies on the day we began moving in. When we introduced ourselves, he mentioned that the new tenants were supposed to move in that day, and I replied, "yeah...we are". His response? "I'm sorry, I thought you were the cleaning lady". Yup, so I decided to avoid him this morning and sleep through it instead. My Mr though, being the brass balls kinda guy he is did mention something about it in his conversation with the guy though. Can't imagine how embaressed he was about that, but oh well, I can't feel too horrible.
Got a small list of things to accomplish today, get some Cub Scout stuff accomplished, finish getting this laundry out of my way and put away properly, and possibly prepare some food for tonight's get-together for the Arlovski vs Fedor MMA fight that we're going to watch this eve.
Also, we're attending a dinner at a customer's house from Mr's place of employment. When the lady called to give me directions, she called me "Mrs. Restaraunt". Kinda cute...kinda not. It will be a new experience though, so bring it on.
The shower is calling my name...it says "Come make yourself human again..." I wonder, how did it know??
at 7:22 AM
Friday, January 23, 2009
Kitten over @ The Bookkitten tagged me for this one. I'm happy to play along, and I'll also be finishing the other tags I've gotten tonight to get them posted and finished cause I seem to be taking forever with them.
This is an easy one--all you have to do is list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep! Then tag 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap Award. Here we go!!!!
10. I have a tendency to be too honest for my own good. If you ever want a straight-forward opinion that might be so honest, it stings, ask me. I believe in being honest over covering something up to help someone.
9. When I move back to Canada I expect to be having another child. There are no if's, and's, or but's about it. I want a girl, and this is my last chance, cause I'm not having 9 just to get 1 girl. I've always wanted a big family though, ever since I can remember...cause that's what I'm a part of, I can't imagine being alone without it.
8. I have a tough time saying "I'm sorry". It's not admitting I was wrong, I have no trouble doing that, but most times I actually don't feel sorry...which is rather childish (skip back to the honesty part).
7. I'm a party guru. I love hosting parties, I love throwing them for my kids, or my family. Most times the ppl I invite don't show up, and it's all for naught, but I love throwing them anyways. I can't really recall the parties from my childhood (mainly because I have a bad memory), so I'm trying my hardest to make these one memorable for the kids, even if it means I have to start saving right after Christmas to do it...you're only whatever age once, right? I believe it shows them just how much they mean to me, that I put all the effort I put into said event. That might not be the way they remember it, or it might not be viewed that way from other parents (I've been called an over-achiever), but I could care less, it's what it means to me, and how I will explain it to them someday.
6. I am a sexual abuse survivor. Though I recall living most of my childhood being afraid to be alone in my house with the abuser, and fearing my grandmother's house because of the ppl she invited into it, I still got through it alive. My mother and I have yet to talk about it seriously, but I don't think there's a reason to, because what's done is done, and I can't think of anything I need to hear her say regarding it. Our lives have gotten better in the aftermath, and that's all that matters.
5. Because of said events in #6, the first thing I think of when I meet a person face to face is picturing myself having sex with them. Gross, I know, I've ended up with some pretty horrible visuals. If you ever meet me and I'm blushing, you'll know why. It never goes farther than that though, it's the one time, and that's it...thankfully.
4. I taught myself how to cook. I started fairly young, but I'm a pretty decent cook now, and I don't mind cooking for larger crowds, I prefer it over small.
3. I love road-tripping. I've been across Canada (from BC to NS) twice, and across the states too many times to count, though it's always been back and forth to the same places. I'm ready for a new route cause I'm thinking there's gotta be more to this continent than what I'm seeing.
2. I'm a great driver. I've been driving for 11 years now, and I don't have a single ticket, though I've been pulled over about 4 times, I've only gotten warnings. I rub that in my Mr's face...yet another childish trait.
1. I brush my teeth in the shower. I don't get much time to do personal care, so I prefer to do it all in one shebang.
Hmmm...so, now you know a few more things about me, I hope you got a chuckle from it someplace along the way, cause I sure got a giggle while I was writing it.
Lois @ No Sympathy For The Devil : she claimed in a recent post that she can't write a non-suggestive profile, so I'm curious as to what she'd reveal for this list...should be fun.
Diamond @ My Pretty Pink Blogette : She's got a great family with some beautiful children. I'd love to know a few thigns about how she runs her busy life and balances it all!
LarryG @ Yesterday, Today, and Forever : He writes some beaitful poetry, and I have to admit I don't know a whole lot about him. Not that I need to, he's a blogger friend!
4streegrrl @ i pity the rhino : She has fantastic recipes for vegan versions of popular yummy non-vegan dishes. She comes from my home province, and has a lot of the same values. I'm curious to find out more about her.
Sue @ Coffee Slut : One of the first ppl I've ever tagged after joining the meme circut. Always fun to learn more about her family and pets.
Beccagirl @ BeccA's Buzz : The leader of Give Me 5 Mondays, she's got a fun blog to read. Though she's taking a break from the GM5M meme, she's still kickin round the blogosphere, so it can't hurt to learn more about someone who's creative enough to start their own Meme.
Berleen @ A Straight Jacket & A Padded Room : Terrific sense of humor, always makes me giggle, frequently the cause of strange looks from my Mr.
And there you have it :o)
1. Oh, I am so ready to be over this kleenex/sicko phase!
2. The world takes steps towards the future, through changes, big and little.
3. During the night, I wake up about 5 times.
4. Have a baby where I would actually have to pay for it; are you kidding me???
5. Right now I'd like to be sleeping, but cuddled up on the couch under some blankets will do just fine.
6. I don't think I can type that here... is my favorite gadget.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to having a fun night in with my lil boys, tomorrow my plans include going to dinner with a couple that the Mr knows from work and Sunday, I want to make the ribbons for the Cub Scouts!
The boys have had runny yucky noses for the last week, and we've gone through so much Kleenex I feel horrible about their poor little noses getting raw. Is it wrong that I sneak in at night while they're sleeping and slather on some Vaseline in the hopes their schnauzes will be better in the morning?? They finally passed it on to me...I mean, it's only a matter of time, since I'm constantly giving hugs & kisses and getting a cough in the face from poor little H who seems to have the worst rattle ever! I've got the traditional tickle in the throat that won't go away, and I'm living off of chicken soup, hot water, and tea. Consequently we're going through TP a whole lot quicker too, stupid paper products.
Anyhow, got some great photos from the school today as it was PJ day, and I went over for lunch with D. What a brilliant day, sunny, and warm (for winter) and no wind to speak of. It's absolutely blinding outside today.
After the post that I made earlier this week about being help a Mental Hostage, I now feel loads better, and as I had stated, it felt good just to purge myself, so hopefully they'll stay at bay for the next while and all will go smoothly. Thanks for reading, and all of your positive thoughts, they really helped.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
1. Obama tattoos. What do you think of people who got one? Whatever floats your boat. Tattoos don't need to mean anything to anyone except the person they're being placed on.
6. Have you ever done any acting? Sure, I was once a participant in a Beauty Pageant, I couldn't possibly act any farther from myself as I did then.
Oh my god. My Mr showed me this video, and I'm addicted. I hear the squeaking wherever I am, and I can't help but split into a wide grin. I giggled so hard when I first watched this I had tears in my eyes...
at 8:48 PM
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Ok, to clear the air before I begin, for those family members who read this, please, let this subject be, and don't bring it up to me...A simple hug will do :oD
There is a pattern to the way I'm thinking, happens every once and a while. Yes, it usually tends to happen close to, or during ToM. TMI? I warned you...
It's been known to happen that during these times I suffer and become a Mental Hostage. Yes, my memories take me hostage. There are so many experiences I'd love to erase permanently from my memory bank. I don't wish to un-experience them, just forget they ever happened. I know I've learned from them, but I just don't care for them to assault me quite as often as they do. They invade when I'm in this quirky, not-quite-me mood. I find myself constantly shaking my head, like that will rid me of the images. "I don't want to think about this" seems to be my mantra during these times. Simply because I have no other way to get them to stop, I have to blog about them...getting them out usually does the trick, usually lets me sleep peacefully and forget about them until next time.
Tonight I'm being assaulted, and they won't leave me alone, flashes and pictures of times where I had my most embaressing moments, my most degrading moments, and all of those mortifying thoughts that I want to leave behind, because I'm a better person now.
Are you ready to read them? I'm not even sure I'm ready to type them...
I was young, probably about 11. I was at my grandmother's house for the summer, as usual. She was partying, and had rented us kids a bunch of movies to watch. A few of us had fallen asleep in the living room watching movies till super late. I was asleep on the floor in front of the tv, with my older male cousin in next to me. My aunt was sleeping on the couch, and I was out of her sight because there was a coffee table between us. I woke up to my older male cousin, running his hand up my leg and resting between my legs. Not knowing what to do, I pretend to wake up and run to the room where my other aunt is sleeping, and crawl in bed with her, crying as quietly as I could, wishing I could just die. I still have trouble treating that male cousin as a human being whenever I'm forced to spend time with him. I never told anyone, until my Mr.
When I was 13 I had my first boyfriend, even though I had a fair amount of people in my grade who had a crush on me, I chose a most unlikely candidate to actually "date". Over the summer between 8th & 9th grade we dated, and there were many pleasant memories to be had. One night we had sex in my basement, it was my second time, and it was his first. He was the first person I had ever thought myself in love with. Puppy love, of course, and after we did the deed, he stopped talking to me. Dropped off the face of the planet, and he moved before the start of the next school year. I never found out why things happened that way, but I was very hurt, and vowed never to date anyone in my school again, and I never did.
The end of that summer I went to a party at an aquaintance's house and got completely, black-out, loaded. I got beaten up, by a group of people who were there, two sisters, and their brother. I woke up the next morning with a hangover, a concussion, and a backseat that needed to be cleaned of vomit. That year I dropped out of school because the boys in the cool group sexually harassed me at every opportunity, and even a few of the teachers sneered at me when I was in their presence.
Flash forward to the year I was married to my first husband. Things weren't working out for us after we got married, and I asked him to send me home for my 19th birthday so I could think our relationship over and take a break. I began going to nightclubs alone (mainly because I didn't know anyone who would go with me) and dance the night away by myself. I met this guy named Jason, whom I eventually slept with. All I can remember about him is the way he ran his hands through my hair, and him asking me me if I was finished yet so he could climax while we were having sex. I've never felt so degraded in my life. I remember thinking, this is the end of marriage, and it was.
My marriage is breaking up, and I hook up with a college guy after a night at the bar dancing, and after we finish our business, the van I had been driving that belonged to my first husband, has been towed. I had to phone him in the wee hours of the morning to come and pick me up and pay the impound fee to get it out, with my neck covered in hickies from the other guy, clearly stating what I'd been up to. I felt so deeply ashamed I couldn't meet his family members' eyes again after that.
After I got a job (under the table) and got a room from one of my co-workers, I began sleeping with a roomate who lived with us. I attatched myself to him, and almost felt like I loved him. He was my rebound victim. I got loaded one night, plenty of drugs, plenty of Tequila & Whiskey. I was partying with he and his friend (who happened to be the oldest son of the person who I was renting from), and when I woke up the next morning I was naked in my bed. When I asked them what happened they said I wanted it. A week later I tried to kill myself with a bottle of pills and some liquor, only to have said guys dump the rest of the pills before I could finish them, and keep me awake with them the whole night and the next day by watching movies and going for drives in the fancy racing mustang buddy had. They kept telling me nothing that had happened was worth dying for. Not long after that incident, I had blocked those actions out of my mind and started heading to clubs again, after getting dressed one night, I asked him how I looked, and he replied that I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, and then he turned around and walked out to go be with the mother of his daughter whom he was trying to reconcile with, as she'd forbidden him to ever look at me.
Forward again, I've met my Mr, and we're slowly working on dating. He's brought me over to his friend's house to play pool, and I was still trying to function in a normal way, where I didn't need to use my body to impress people. I do a dirty little dance up on my Mr, while he turned twenty shades of red, in front of his friend, that floored them both. No clothes came off, but I'm mortified every time I think of this memory, as I can't believe I was ever that uncouth.
It's a rough part in my marriage when I was clubbing with my "best friend". I had met this guy at the bar, where we exchanged emails after a full night of conversation. Nothing dirty was present in that conversation, not even flirting, but after I sent him the first email, he began sending me suggestive messages, and even though I asked him to stop, he kept sending them. All I wanted was human companionship, and he bottomed out. Not long after my Mr read those emails and accused me of cheating on him. I got pregnant with H in the aftermath, and we couldn't decide whether we wanted to stay together or not. A tormenting time for me.
After saying good-bye to my "best friend" because of another incident, I phone her on impulse one night, and not long after, we head out dancing again, in celebration of her sister's 19th birthday. She gets loaded, and I stay sober. When I drop her off at home, she begs me not to move to Ohio with Mr. When I get home at 4am, I confront my Mr, and all I can remember is the look on his face when he says "I knew this was going to come back and bite me in the ass". I felt that I got what I deserved, considering how my last marriage ended, and proceed to loose 20 lbs in a month because I'm so stressed I can't eat.
It's the day we leave BC. It was raining out, and the week before Thanksgiving (in Canada). We're saying good-bye, and my step-father is crying as he's hugging the boys. I remember thinking, Oh my god, my daddy is heartbroken because I'm taking his grandchildren away. I couldn'tve loved him more if I tried, and I've never been so disappointed in myself for not being more of a firm person and telling everyone I would never leave Canada to live elsewhere with my kids. For the next four months I do nothing but mope about how disappointed in myself I am, and begin to find ways to try and move on, when I feel heartbroken myself...for failing me. Even in the aftermath I would rather follow, than make a stand and deal with the consequences, terrified that I may have made the wrong decision and scar my kids for life.
Here and now...I'm tormented by these thoughts, and though my life (and relationship) is volumes better, and everything has worked it's way out for the best, these thoughts have somehow worked their way back into my life to assault me and keep me from sleeping peacefully. I'm having nightmares where these incidents are nearly robbing me of my sanity. When I wake up I'm feeling agitated, and depressed. I don't want to think about them...I want them to go away. God, I hope when the hormones have run their course, I will be able to sleep peacefully again. I'm praying that I can remember what kind of a person I've become, and that it will pull me through.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Am busy trying to blow off steam today and keep my cool...surfing the blogs that my aunt has emailed the link's to, I found these amazing and creative ideas that Imust try sometime in the near future...
All of them were linked on Craftzine.com
The first was the Plastic Bag collection, where they take various plastic shopping bags and re-use them in creative ways, including fusing them together to make a stronger plastic to make into something else, and knitting/crocheting it together. I was drooling over all of the designs and immediately started planning some designs of my own to try someday.
The second include a Lightning Bolt Sweater/dress. I've always been a stickler for whining when I throw sweaters out (or, rather, donating them) because I KNOW there's a craft in there waiting to happen, I just hadn't found it yet...I'm dying now to give this idea a try!!
Found out that our city is under a Boil Water Advisory, and we can't drink our water now. Bah, that means we'll hafta buy some...but I'm actually boiling some now. Gonna set it aside for cooking with this eve, and hope I make enough. Consequently though, Mr doesn't need to go to work cause they're closing his store for it. I wonder if that means we'll be sledding today?
at 11:13 AM
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sometimes I really wish my Mr would get a sense of better timing...then again, maybe I'm just not communicating enough.
He called last night from work to tell me he was bringing the crew home with him to have a few drinks and kick back to watch me get my butt whooped playing Wii. Yeah, so I scrambled to tidy up a bit, then get the kids to sleep, and prepare myself for another sleepless night playing hostess. Enter 1:30, I'm playing Wii and really just ready to go to bed, but am busy shushing everyone and reminding them to clean up after themselves, when we get a phone call from a friend who's stuck in a ditch...I'm the only sober person, so I run out to see if I can help him out (with a few buddies, of course) but alas, he was jammed up good, don't even know how he managed to get himself into that pickle. 3am, I arrive home and am starving, and proceed to make myself something to eat, when I realize, OMG, I volunteered to babysit the next morning for a co-worker of the Mr.'s. 4am, hit the sack and wish I hadn't even done the night at all...
8am, roll outta bed and worry about what my game plan is for handling 3 kids when I'm tired will be. Get a gradual idea that I'm sure will appease all the ages present and proceed to clean up the god awful mess leftover from the previous night. Sticky floors, enpties everywhere, and general chaos from stuff being left out instead of being put away. I was so angry this morning it was difficult to be pleasant for getting the Mr out of bed.
As an afterthought before I continue on, I wonder if we use those ppl we spend these nights with as a vitality booster into our own lives. Is that normal?
Now, all of this sounds awful, I can read. Usually when we have people over we sit around the table and chat and play card games and relax...and at the end of the night we clean up and go to bed. I'm not certain what happened with lastnight's plans, but I think they got out of control, which is rare...though looking back I can spot the catalysts.
In all honesty it's not really the mess that's bothering me, and has me all steamed up now...What bothers me most is how difficult it is for the Mr to be affectionate during these get togethers. I really dislike watching other couples come over and have that which I do not right in front of my face. I have a lot, don't get me wrong...but I don't have those which I crave most. I've learned to content myself with what I've got and taught myself to be grateful for what's there and to ignore what's missing.
One could argue here, that I bring it on myself, that I don't give enough of myself, or that I don't start it, like, you know...treat others as you'd like to be treated. I do try and give what I've got, but there is always room for improvement. I could compliment more, I could try taking a more formal approach, I could try just turning that whole craving thing off.
My point in all of this, is that stupid little nag that's been a major nuiscance in our marriage since it began, is showing it's head again and I just badly want to shove it under the covers cause I can never tell if it's just me or not.
I'm really trying to fight dwelling on all of those negative points here...I guess lack of sleep will do that.
at 4:16 PM
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Man, this "Brought To You By The Letter..." post really has me stumped. It may take me a day or two to come up with a complete list. Hmmm...unexpected, I think.
Been thinking a lot about our trip home, and am actually beginning to daydream about it.
Life has settled down dramatically since this time last year. I'm not as young as I was.
It's truly funny how I tend not to consider myself an actual "grown up" in most situations I'm in. I submit myself to the older influences, and place myself in the position of in-superiority. Just one of the many complexities that make up who I am.
As an example, take PTO. I have two kids, and I'm a great parent, but when I'm in that PTO meeting I feel like I'm the youngest, most inexperienced person in there. It could be true to an extent, but all of my other experiences could definitely make up for what I'm lacking in PTO skills.
I'm 27. I'm as adult as I can get. I have this whole list of qualifications that say I'm an adult, and yet I still feel like a child when entering an adult situation where there are more over-powering figures to be had.
This blog has long been an outlet for those thoughts that prey on my mind. Read my archives, and you'll see all of the conflicts (seriously, they go back 4 years) I've fought with in my mind. I don't fight many battles outside my home, the majority of them are all within my own mind. I can recall a time when I thought I needed counseling, but that was when I had no faith in myself what-so-ever. Now with my outlook, I have the confidence to face my conflicts head on and be comfortable with the time it will take to overcome them. I think that was my main obstacle in my youth when I thought about overcoming these things, the thought that it would take forever and then when it was through it would only lead to the next issue. I guess I've come to understand that I will always be a work in progress, and I'm ok with that. Finally. All I needed to do was pick one obstacle and start. So, here I am...
at 9:09 PM
Friday, January 16, 2009
1. Enough with the packed schedule, I want to sleeeeeeeep.
2. The Canucks vs The Flames cause* me to be conflicted.
3. I've been craving chocolate, it's a post-holiday withdrawl.
4. Watching my Mr slide down the hill and land on his feet after hitting that big jump makes me laugh.
5. I wish I could go to my mom's house to give them all a great big hug next week.
6. Kim (my step-dad) has been on my mind lately.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to quite possibly sewing, tomorrow my plans include finding that piece to my tripod and Sunday, I want to watch a few movies and drink a few mugs of tea!
Seriously. It's -35C outside (with the wind chill), and it's 59F in our house. 59. The thermostat is set to 70 something and it's 59. We're goin to my MIL where there heat actually works and I'm not required to wear long john's inside.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
We have company over tonight, and the two ppl who came brought Wendy's Chicken sandwiches with them. My Mr came upstairs to fetch me from what I was doing, and told me what was going on.
They got their sandwiches and began eating. Apparently the first bite tasted wonderful, and one of them is quoted as saying "This is a very juicy sandwich!" The second bite, however, sent up red flags, and when he looked down at his food...this is what he saw:
If that had been me, there wouldn'tve been anything holding me back from yelling. I am such a very understanding person and go out of my way to not make a scene when I'm not happy with something, but this is just too much. The chicken is only cooked on the outer portion and completely raw, to the point of having blood in the middle. Talk about food turn off.
at 6:44 PM
Ok, so for the first in a series of who knows how many.
First part of my body I want work on...this birthmark on my lower back. I hate it. I can't stand it because I'm just never gonna have smooth clear skin because of this damned birthmark. It's really only one of many birthmarks that have all over my body. I plan on covering it up with a black panther tattoo when I'm not busy nursing or having kids. You tell me, why should I love it?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
1. Whats the coldest temps you've experienced? -40 Celsius + windchill(though as I understand it it's about the same a Fahrenheit)
2. Whats for dinner tonight? Really couldn't tell you...I'm a fly by the seat of your pants and go for whatever I feel like at the time kinda gal
3. Would you consider this job in Australia? Maybe, but I don't like the idea of being away from my family for so long... if I could bring my family with me and make it a Swiss Family Robinson thing I'd do it in a heartbeat! (Can we say home school??)
4. What was your favorite subject in high school? Math, I've always found it rather easy
5. How many hours a day is your tv on? Usually I try to limit TV, it goes on at 8:45 (after dropping D off at school) until 10am, and unless someone else is home it usually goes off until after D gets home when he gets about an hour, and then it doesn't come on again unless we feel like watching it after the kids go to bed. i really try not to let it go over 4, but it doesn't always work that way. If it's a weekend it's usually more, cause there's Wii action going on.
6. Have you ever received an award? Plenty! Grade school, Middle School, My first job, Various Volunteer Awards, and Various Workshop awards including a few that made the newspaper. I guess I'm just that outstanding :oD
7. Whats your mousepad look like? I don't have one, I don't have the traditional rollerball mouse
8. Do you think Bud should do the Thursday Thunk meme? I dunno, I think it depends on if he already does a Thursday Meme, then I'd say no. 1 is enough, but if he doesn't already do a Thursday Meme, then why not?
9. How many browser tabs do you have open right now? 3 plus my Windows Media Player
10. If you are a parent, have you or did you ever put Vicks VapoRub on your children under the age of 2? Nope
11. If you had to pick one insect to infest your house for 1 day and after that day they would just suddenly vanish, which insect infestation would you pick? That's a really tough question. I think maybe Butterfly's cause they're purty.
12. What color is your underwear that you are wearing right at this moment? Teal, thong.
13. What was the last thing you watched on tv? *corrects typo* Probably something on Sprout with H.
14. What are your plans for the 4th of July this year? Don't have any cause I'll be celebrating July 1st baby!!!
15. Tell us about one absolutely wonderful thing that happened to you as a teenager and every time you think of it, it brings a smile to your face. I particitpated in the Miss Kelowna Lady of the Lake beauty pageant. At the time I thought it was rather traumatic because it was a straight-laced conformity routine that I hated and couldn't figure out why I had even bothered to agree to it, but looking back I have many fond memories of spending time with some wonderful people and learning new things that I wouldn't have picked up anyplace else.
16. What product could you sell someone based on your love for it? Pepsi, Vim Creme, Lysol, Gold Bond Baby Powder, Aloette Peppermint Lip Gloss. I'm a loyal customer to all of these products and have sold it for them on many occasions.
at 6:53 PM
I'm busy today, when am I not? I was pondering when I may actually have a stretch where I'm not going to be going Helter Skelter, and I came to the conclusion that this is the year where I have no time. LOL
Still working on tying up loose ends for PTO, then I'll be working on regular stuff around the house, those Cub Scout things, my monthly letter, V-Day Cards, Cleaning the house...you know. Always so much to do.
Catching up on laundry today, and hopefully I can clean the truck out cause, DAMN, it smells like somthing died in there, or a big ol dirty gym bag. *GAG*
Also running through my head is where I'm going to begin with my picture journey, and I'm thinking I'll begin with silouhettes. Cameras are fun, and I'm glad I'm using mine with a purpose.
Damn You Chester Field for getting that song stuck in my head...I've been playing it non-stop for days now.
Was very sorry to hear that my Step-Uncle has passed, on Sunday. Terrible news, and I'm so sorry I can't be at home to hug, and grieve with those I hold closest to my heart. I am making do with frequent phone calls about twice a day to comfort, and reenforce what's happening.
Fricken cold out today, making it fricken cold in here today. Wearing millions of layers it feels. I miss the heat where I could sleep in the warmth of the sun. Oh well.
Had a dentist appointment yesterday for a cleaning with a new dentist, and am finding that with each visit where I have work done, I'm feeling more terrified of going in at all. I'm finally starting to get that whole phobia, and I really dislike it. I find after each visit, no matter what's being done, I have a smashing headache, despite my efforts to remain relaxed during the visit. My shoulders tense up, and I can feel myself going stiff all the way down to my toes (boy I wish I knew a few people who could say that!) even though I'm concentrating on making my muscles relax and keep my mouth open.
D has been doing amazing of late in school, and at home. He's been putting sufficient effort into his reading, and writing, which is surprising me. Maybe that whole writing thing was a phase...I can only hope. The end of this month os PTI's, and I'm hoping the teacher will have good news for us. Maybe our frequent presence in the school is having an effect? This whole school year has just zoomed on by, as has this entire year.
Busy bee, follow me
Come finish this night
& you'll always find the light.
at 8:41 AM
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I've been considering a lot over the last 24 hours. I finally got around to working with some photos this week that have been long put off, and I was quite happy to have that errand out of my hair and finished. As I was sorting through them all I was thinking about my long journey with my camera. I guess it really began when my Mr bought me my Kodak Z650 just before H was born, and I discovered it had a timer. Seriously, if it didn't have a timer, I would have no pictures of H an I. It's not that my family doesn't take pictures, it was that I was embarrassed to ask them to each and every time I wanted a picture taken. Imagine...every 30 minutes "Hey honey, come take a picture of H & I please!". Very slowly I began using the timer, and as I was using it, I started to think of poses that I preferred myself in, which side of my face I liked better, which style was best to wear my hair in, and which smile I preferred, if any. The whole course has taken me over two years to be fully comfortable with taking my own picture via timer, and enjoying the sight of myself in pictures.
I had a traumatic childhood (who hasn't, right??) in which I came to believe that I really am the farthest thing from beautiful. I associated that word with something disgusting because it came from insincerity and perversion. While growing up I heard that word a lot and each time I heard it I began to think there must be something wrong with me if they think I'm that horrible, and tried my hardest to hide it, becoming a chameleon of sorts. Trying out different styles, new friends, new surroundings and music. When none of it worked, I found someone on the internet who fell in love with me for who I was, long before he ever saw my picture. I thought I had finally fooled the world by not basing something in my life on how I look (That venture didn't work out, and it eventually led me to my Mr, but that's another story).
So there I was, just after the birth of my second child, and I have this camera with a timer, and I start taking pictures of myself. First it was always with H, then it became more about me. I like to consider it a therapeutic journey, though I didn't see it that way until recently. Last fall I started to consider what my pictures were doing for me, and it didn't take long before I realized, that after two years of taking my own picture, I was comfortable with what I looked like. I like the way I look. I don't mind that I have break-outs on my face (mainly because I'm lazy), or that sometimes my face does funny things in a photo that I never bothered to really pay attention to until I started actually looking for it. I like that my smile seems to be genuine when I have one plastered on in a picture. I like the way my hair glistens in whatever light source is available, and I've definitely come to care for it more than I did before all this started.
The point of all of this, is that I'm really quite content, and comfortable with my facial attributes, after a lifetime of awkwardness and self-despise, I actually like who I am. It took me two years to re-associate the word beautiful, with something positive. It's not a goal I started out with consciously, but someplace deep down I knew I wanted to have a better outlook on who I am, and I don't think I ever thought taking pictures of myself would solve that issue for me.
So, now that I'm in the wondrous position I'm in, I've decided it's time to take this venture a little bit further. I've had issues with my body, and am now planning on taking my timers further than my face, and exploring my body, so that I may hopefully come to care for it as I have it's nothern-most segments.
For your enjoyment...here are my fav picks for the pictures from the last two years' worth of timer pics.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I've become addicted to photographing H's hands when he plays with the train set at the Library. I dunno why, but it remind me how much I love him, and how much he's grown. When I first started taking him there he couldn't reach the trains in the middle of the table, and now he has no problems.
As IF he isn't the cutest little boy in the entire world! He certainly keeps my heart warm on those cold winter days...
I love that he's a timer addict from watching mommy play with it all the time, and each time I turn it on he runs over and wants to join in the fun with me.
He's totally scrumptious, and I love watching him grow.
I'm so glad I was blessed with these two amazing reason's for living.
at 3:55 PM
SO many things I wanted to blog about this week, can't recall what they all were now.
Got a bunch of snow yesterday and this morning and we're now on a level 2 snow emergency (finally) and we'll be sledding someplace, but there's no way I'm driving 45 minutes (in good weather) south of here for a thrill that I can find 1 block down the road
PTO obligations are through!! *does Snoopy dances* All I need to worry about now is getting the corporate requests through for something fancy, as I've been given permission to just go ahead with those, and if we get anything big in response, we'll publicize it (as opposed to getting it printed on the raffle tickets, which was why I was on a deadline to begin with)
They have a snow brick maker at Wal Mart that I seen while I went out last night...how interesting, I must get one (or four) soon!
We bought some new sleds for the boys as we were being warned that a boatload of snow was coming our way, so I'm rather happy about that for today
My poor Mr has suffered the misfortune of the big wage Garnishment from a long past creditor, and was foully surprised when he got his pay yesterday. He was really upset and frustrated, and I made it worse by telling him a smart-alec response of "You should have paid them when you had the chance, dear". After a while I left it be and gave him a hug and told him it was ok, everyone makes mistakes, now we know for next time, and not to worry about it overly much because we have fantastic family support. Thankfully it's not going to have a massive effect on us, but it will affect our saving for our trip up north. Hopefully we can find something to replace that with
Had a friend call me late lastnight saying "I was thinking of coming over to visit you..." so I got off my butt and cleaned (with my Mr) madly, only to find that 20 min's later she had changed her mind. Argh. At least our house is clean now...
Gotta try and plan my sewing projects so I can get them out of the way in one week, no way I'm gonna let it spill over to last minute stuff
There's a full moon tonight and according to someplace online that my Mr read to me, it's supposed to be the biggest one of the entire year. I hope you can see it where you are cause I'm certain I won't be able to catch it through all the snow
My Step-Uncle is doing worse, and I'm thinking it won't be more than 24-48 hours before he passes. According to the info my mom gave me when we chatted this morning he's in a Hospice house (thank goodness!!), and she said he didn't eat or drink anything all day yesterday when they were there. We both figure he's waiting to say goodbye to all of his siblings (the last one flies into town there tonight). I wish I could be there for some added support, I hurt when the people I love hurt. I just hope it doesn't start a chain reaction, as my Step-dad's parents haven't been in well health for a long time now, and are a little rough themselves, I can't imagine the toll this is taking on them. I couldn't stand it if it started a chain effect, that would be too much. I'm praying really hard for this...
I still haven't done that darned post for the awards I received. I think maybe later today I'll attempt one, seeing as I won't be going anyplace but the backyard...
at 6:35 AM
Friday, January 09, 2009
2. Sleep and a cuddle or two is what I crave most right now.
3. Cork and wine go together like Children and sleeplessness.
4. Sour Milk in a nice warm bath is so nourishing.
5. Let us dare to have hope.
6. I'm really tired of cleaning my home.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to completing my major obligations for the PTO, tomorrow my plans include making a plan for the sewing projects that need to be finished and Sunday, I want to go to church to hit up fellow members for donations (but I'll probably stay at home and try to get more sleep)!
On a side note, I have given up on my crusade to completely transition H to his own bed, as I can't seem to get any sleep myself, I've just decided to get him used to his own bed first, and then start getting him used to being in it alone. So, that means I am now spending my nights sleeping on a really stiff bottom bunk with a snuggly little mr. Giving up, I know, but at least I'm getting more than the few hours I got previously, and this way I'm not quite so touchy and impatient. I hope that getting us used to not being in the same bed goes a bit more smoothly in the future.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
"Taking care of business every day
Taking care of business every way"
BTO - Taking Care Of Business
I'm tired, what a day. Woke up later than usual and had to rush to get D ready for school. Got him and H dressed and fed, then off to school to come back and do a few quick things online before getting ready for the lunch I promised to spend with D. I was so drowsy I couldn't keep my eyes open (still having a real tough time sleeping) so closed them for about 45 min's while my Mr watched H and got my lunch ready. Woke up, grabbed my lunch bag and headed to school to dine with D and his class. What a funny and creative bunch they are! Such a joy being around that many kids, they all have something nice to say, or something to give me whenever I go in. We ate lunch together, and I booked it outta there to crack the whip on my Mr. Got him ready and headed out the door with H in tow. We managed to hit a grand total of 26 places for requesting donations before we had to head back to the school to pick up D.
"When first we met
I knew in this heart of mine
That you were someone I couldn't forget."
Alison Krauss - Baby, Now That I've Found You
We had a small respite at home where we snacked, and did our own thing for about an hour, before Mr headed back out to businesses, and I cracked down on a few things that needed to be done online and got stuff ready for Cub Scouts. While online (waiting for a file to load) I read my mummie's blog and was highly saddened to see that her s/o's brother is in the hospital and is not expected to be realeased because he's dying. I feel horrible because if someone close to me were dying, I'd want all those I cared about most around me...and I can't be there for him.
"Oh what mercy sadness brings
If God be willing"
Sheryl Crow - Redemption Day
Got us all loaded up as soon as Mr arrived home, and off to Cub Scouts as we were having a Scrapbooking Session with them where they got to decorate their own scrapbook. For some reason I took responsibility to run it. Came home, and got back online to finish my business of emailing the Yearbook creator all the best pictures from Oct to now that I have from the school. She originally asked for the best 10...I sent her about 50. I think that's cutting it down immensely considering each set is well over 100, and the rest count up to 300, and there are about 5 sets to choose from. I'm rather proud of myself for getting it down that low.
Got a quick minute in here and there to catch up on reading, but not a whole lot. Hopefully that'll change soon, though I really don't see that as likely as after this week's PTO obligations are through then I'm going on to some sewing projects (Ugh) that have a deadline on them as well.
I would give a million dollars (If I had it of course) if I could sleep for 24 hours straight...uninterrupted glorious sleep.
I'm going to bed now...
at 2:09 PM
2. Have you or anyone in your family ever had braces? Not to my knowledge
4. Do you order Girl Scout cookies? Nope
5. If you have a cat or a dog, what brand of dog/cat food do you feed them? We opted for a Betta, thank you very much
6. When you cook, do you use measuring cups/spoons? Not usually
7. If you were stranded on a desert island, how many sand castles would you build? I would build a sand mansion!
8. Whats one thing you own too many of? Blankets.
9. If given the chance to go to the moon, would you? No...
10. Talk radio - listen or not? Not if I have a choice
11. When you put silverware in the dishwasher or in the drainer to dry, do you put the handles up or down? All silverware but the knives go in handles down.
12. Video Games for kids - good or not? I don't think they're good for kids, but that doesn't stop me from letting them play them.
13. Share a website with us. www.ilovebacon.com Great place to waste time and get a chuckle in every now & again.
14. Water - bottle or tap? Tap, but it doesn't really matter to me. Oh, and I prefer it room temp.
15. Have you ever eaten a giant jawbreaker, the ones that are the size of the palm of your hand, all the way to the end? Probably when I was a kid, they were a frequent in my house.