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Saturday, June 27, 2009

You Need To Help Me Out Here Folks

"I'm Hungarian, Native American....I want my day!"
"Why do people who are _____(insert sexuality or race here)_____ want special rights, they're human, it doesn't matter."
"Your face is a faux pas"
"Don't you want to look respectable?"

How could I manage to marry someone who is so vastly different from myself?
I've spent the last few days being the bearer of a bad mood. That's not a huge issue, but what is the bigger issue, is my kids' ears being filled with ugliness.

Poor Mr is on a spree. He's filled with some sort of negativity, and I've yet to really discover the bottom line of it. Sometimes he prefers to stew (who doesn't, right?) and not let anyone else know what's going on. Or maybe that I know the issue and I'm powerless to do anything about it.

Back to my issue, being that my kids are witness to the stuff that's spewing out his mouth.
You know when someone's trying to pass an insult off as a joke? It feels like my life is being measured by insults. Things are fine in between, dandy in fact. It's sickening.
We've been in the midst of an argument as well, one that's stretched across the days.
Darius decided he wanted to grow his hair out.
Mr doesn't agree with boys having long hair. He thinks it would look ridiculous, and hasn't stopped letting D know this.
"Why don't you want to cut your hair bud?"
"Don't you think it would look nicer short?"
"Don't you think it would look ridiculous long?"
"Don't you want a sucker from the hairdresser?"
"Don't you want to look respectable?"

I've learned over the years to deal with my Mr laying laying this on me, but it's a whole nother ball game when he lays it on our kids for any reason. It made me angry, and it disgusted me. I've seen what can happen when he lays this shit on. Mr is angry at me for telling him to leave D alone, and to "respect his wishes". His words were "furious".
I'm ok with Darius making this decision. He wants long hair. It's his body. Yes, he's 7, but it's still his body.
Mr then said "If he wants to get a mowhawk would you let him??"
I said yes, it's a cultural thing. I'm Native American. I would be proud of my little boy sporting long hair, or sporting a Mowhawk, both battle friendly. It's my heritage, and his heritage. Now, I would let it be in taste, and probably just long enough to let the phase pass, but I would let him, nonetheless.
Mr was disgusted with that answer.
He says D is too young to make his own decisions in these matters.
Darius resisted for two days before he finally said Ok, I'll cut my hair. He hasn't yet, but the fact that he caved at all, made me feel really sad for him. Not because he caved, but because he felt that he had to do his fathers wishes on the matter after he "innocently" pushed him (for days) to do something.
I was disgusted that I didn't fight more. I did say stop it each time he started, but it just wan't enough. I didn't fight to protect my little boy from this revolting perversion of an expressed opinion.
If it starts here, where would it stop? (this must be what it feels like for you anti-socialism folk)

Suggestions people...how do I get under Mr's skin to ease his tensions, or to direct his opinion expressing at myself? How do I be that strong individual that's needed right now? How do I grow a thick skin to avoid taking all this stuff personally? Help me out here folks...I'm a fixer...help me fix my Mr. for right now.

3 thoughtful remarks:

Southern Sage said...

Hmmmm
Wel I dunno about the negativity thing but the hair thing is an easy one, from my stand point anyway. Before anyone told D what he could or couldnt do with his hair you all should have discussed it.

If he is 7 and lives at my house he will wear his hair in a fashion his mother and I approve, wear the clothes we approve of and so on.

Would you let him grow it out then get one of those mohawks that they spike up 2 feet high and colored purple, pink and green?
I have seen those twice on kids 5-10 yrs old.

I am against over indulging youth. They must have boundaries, clear boundaries or they seem to run a muck. Or at least that has been my observation with the people I was raised with. The ones with strict rules have done much much better in life, those without, no so much.

All that is my opinion based on my observations.

I wouldn't let my boy child have hair on his shoulders, but thats just me!

Hope the Mr gets out of his funk!

Nietha said...

@southern sage - It's hair. It's not the end of the world. Being able to express oneself is important, even at 7 years old. If his personal decision isn't harming anybody then why not let him make it. He is, after all, his own person.

Yes, children need rules, structure and boundaries, but aren't those all in place to provide a safe and healthy environment? I don't see how that extends to hair and clothing (revealing clothing on a young female would test the safe and healthy boundaries).
And if, as a parent, you can't win against a child's argument of "well you let me do X to my hair, it's not fair that you don't let me ______" then that's really unfortunate.

I think it's horrible to make a child feel his own personal tastes are "weird" or "wrong". As a parent you already have so much influence on your children. To leverage that for something so unimportant as a hair style is pathetic.

Basically, what this comes down to, is that you and Darius's father have PERSONAL TASTES when it comes to hair on males. Or even worse, that you may be embarrassed how your child looks with a different haircut. That's putting yourself before your child, which is also pathetic.

the girl in stiletto said...

perhaps your Mr is being irritated because there's something else that's bothering him. i'm not saying that he's right and you're wrong. you both are definitely not wrong. or right even.

perhaps the only way to handle this is to compromise. it's harder than anyone can think of, but maybe it's the only way.