I'm almost beginning to think I should start up a separate blog just to follow this story away from my family's prying eyes, LOL
I'm anxious. Have been for over a week now. After doing some research online, I now know that the statute of limitations regarding child sexual abuse if going to leave me free to pursue charges right now.
I'm going to take a deep breathe, gather my thoughts, and attempt to go through with this.
There's just one problem. In order to do this, I need to tell my mom first, and have the talk before I can feel free to pursue the matter further.
This is going to kill me. I'm quite certain.
I've come to the conclusion that there is no "good time" to bring the subject up. There's no getting around it.
As I said before, I can't hold it in any longer. Though I long to just forget about it, as I've done for many years now, it just can't be done. It's been years since I've seen that man, and just the thought of what happened between us, leaves me unable to have any intimacy with my husband. I shrivel at his touch, and shut down when he only wishes to have a conversation with me. I yell when he wants to discuss our responsibilities because there's no room for it in my brain, or in my heart. I'm being swallowed alive...again.
I have to do it...but it scares the hell out of me. I'm terrified...clammy, sweaty palms, nervous glances behind my back, and nearly unable to sleep or be alone.
I have to dredge the courage from somewhere. The courage to go on living, because I truly think it would be a great thing to find something to numb me right this second, and every second following, until I die. I need the courage to look her in the eye, and ask directly, regardless of the answer. I just want to be able to say that I asked.
I'm scared. I feel like I'm a child again...little, confused, and not comprehending anything about how the world operates.
I can't take it...the pressure from folks who think they know exactly what I should do, the thought of hurting my family, the thought of anyone treating me differently.
I'm going in a million different directions, just so I can avoid what's glaring me right in the face.
It's time. Time to let it all go, and get on with the life I worked so fucking hard for. It's time to let me believe that I'm worth more than just some person's whim. It's time for me to re-define beautiful, and free.
It's time, and I'm terrified to take this leap, but somehow...I think I can.
Monday, November 16, 2009