Friday, May 30, 2008

uploaded my Cedar Point pics to Flickr.

I know, I know...I said I'd start packing, and I haven't yet. Mebbe we'll get some boxes over the weekend and finish the little things off.
I hate packing, in truth...but once I get going, there's no stopping me, says I.
Well, went to Cedar Point on Wednesday, hosted a sleep over for the event on Tuesday, yesterday we walked about 1/3 of the way to Don & Rhonda's (cause I wanted to, surprisingly my feet/legs weren't sore from Cedar Point), and got nothing going on (so far) tonight.
Tomorrow Christian (Chance's friend) will be coming over (mebbe for a sleepover as well).
Busy busy busy.
I'm surprised the house is staying as clean as it is.
I have almost given up completely on doing any form of school-work with Darius, and consider myself a failure as a teacher. Maybe if I had more time away, more time for me, or more time without kids sucking the life out of me, I could do it.
I miss allergies are kicking up with all the nice weather, and everybody and their damned dog mowing their lawns every other fucking minute cause they're a bunch of tight-wad-good-for-nothing-assholes. (Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system). Honestly, they never DO anything in their yards, so why the fuck do they need to be so god damned perfect?! The annoying noise of lawnmowers, and weed eaters, and hedge trimmers keeps Hunter awake during nap time, and bothers me when I go outside to play with the boys.
I need to find me a good medicine for allergies and be done with it.
I've been on the verge of negativity for what feels like forever now I suppose.
I was examining my photos from everywhere the past few days, and came to one husband doesn't really touch me in any of them, if he does, it's a couple of finger-tips on the elbow, and he doesn't hold me in one unless he's been instructed to. Does anyone else find it odd?
It bums me out...I look like some sort of pathetic clinger in all of our photos, and he just stands (or sits) there like I'm no where's in the area. I am feeling the sting of not having any physical affection, or kind words, or something meaningful in our relationship. I don't get hugs, cuddles, snuggles, foot rubs, back rubs, hand holding, a kind stroke of the face...nothin. I don't get to sleep on someone's shoulder, I don't even get to rest my feet in his lap from time to time. Apparently, just the mere weight of any of my limbs is too much to bear and makes him feel smothered.
I can tell someone I love them until I'm blue in the face...but if I don't show it, how are they going to believe me?
Even baby monkies go crazy when they are denied physical affection from their has an adverse side effect on them, why should we be any different?
Is this what I'm doomed to be with the rest of my life? Always going to other people to give me a hug because I can't even get one from my own husband? The kids will grow up someday, and someday they're not going to want all of the extra kisses and snuggles I give them...then I'm going to be really hooped.
I'm lonely.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Cedar Point!

What an amazing day!
We woke up and rolled out of bed at 6:30 this morning, and left by 8am. We arrived just as the doors opened and managed to hit all big roller coasters wait free, and after we skipped out for lunch, we hit the minor ones, and made a few second time rounds on the bigger ones with smaller lines.
It was loads of fun, and I can hardly wait until the next time.
Pictures to follow on Flickr.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Cleaning Bug

Ready for the long weekend I am.
Can you tell we've been watching Star Wars lately?
Last week we bought the Indiana Jones Trilogy and the Star Wars Trilogy on VHS for D's room and we've worked our way through 5 of them so far.
I stopped cleaning this week...I wanted to see just how bad it would get if I didn't do anything.
Today I gave up on that venture because there weren't any free horizontal spaces anywhere's in the house, nor could we walk freely through the kitchen or living room. and I couldn't tell the different between clean and dirty laundry on all floor space. Nevermind the fact that we had no clean bowls, or silverware. It was bad.
So...I gave in and started cleaning. I vacuumed, I started the laundry (after bringing it down), started the dishes, washed the kitchen floor, and cupboards, washed the cupboards in the bathroom and am currently awaiting to clean the sink and floor in there as I keep getting interrupted.
Stupid laundry...seriously, I did 7 loads this weekend to finish it off and have another 5 build up magically since then.

Pumping myself up for next week I spose. We're supposed to go to Cedar point for Chance' birthday with a bunch of co-workers/friends. Rhonda and Don will be taking the kids up to Cleveland for the day while we go. We got all the tickets, and just figuring the last little bit of stuff out :o) It'll be interesting to go again since I haven't been since D was born.

Uploaded pics to Flickr last night.
Guess I should go finish my cleaning as I've forgotten the real reason why I wanted to blog in the first place...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Another Score :o)

So, I dragged us out and about today. Chance wanted to visit Friendtique in Wooster, I had a few various things to do getting some postal paper and getting my packages out, and taking the recycling in, grocery shopping, and the like.
We got up, I put the laundry away, we ate cold breakfast (Chance had cooked it for us, but I got so busy putting laundry away I didn't get to it until it was cold), and headed out (It was still about 10:45 sadly, we had wanted to be out around 9:30). We hit Friendtique in Wooster where we took a good look around, they had very reasonable prices and nice stuff (All monies go to Hospice, a bonus). Then we visited the antique shop next door on our way out where I bought 5 scarfs (The really flimsy kind that older ladies wore to keep their hair nice) for the craft box and such for Hunter that I'm building (Thanks to 365 Games Smart Toddlers Play). Then we hit The Parlour right next door, a small diner with an old school feeling to it. We got our food quickly, and it was tasty, but very greasy.
We hopped into the truck and hit a Liquor store behind Chance's work, and a kid's consignment store as well, where we found this terrific wagon for $35! It's got the drink holders, and an umbrella. I like it, and I believe it'll come in handy once we move to Wooster with all the walking we'll be doing. Then we went to the Dollar tree for the wrapping paper, stopped for gas and headed to West Salem to hit the post office, and the recycling depot, and after I dropped Chance and D off at home I continued on with H to Ashland and hit up the Wal Mart. I picked out Chance's birthday gift, plus new sandals for the boys, and got all the groceries...except bread. Hit Wendy's on the way home, and here I am.
I feel like I got hit by a truck.
Lastnight we went over to Don & Ronnie's because she had lost her keys (we spent the morning with her up in Elyria visiting her office to get the tickets for Cedar Point for Chance's birthday, which we're doing next week...that came up too quick!). So, I decided we should clean out their garage (I've been itching to do it since we moved here) because they'd looked everywhere and couldn't find them. Sure enough, about 20 minutes into cleaning, she found her keys hiding in the garage in some random place we never would've looked.
It's kinda sinking in that we're moving soon, and that I should really be packing, I'll get to it, I swear!
I've spent a lot of money in the last two weeks, but this weekend is a long weekend with lots of garage sales...these'll be the last ones for a good long while. Honest!
Hopefully I'll keep myself to that promise...

Monday, May 19, 2008

Bursting Bubble

Ya know...I've taken almost 100 photos of myself in the past week or so. I've become addicted to the camera and timer, trying to get that perfect shot like I did so casually last year.
I've yet to get it, but I have found a couple of nice ones along the way.
I guess all those pictures meant I felt good enough to be in a picture...I hope y'all know where I'm coming from on that one. The kind of day where you feel so good, you need something to remind you of it later on, just to recapture the feeling. I guess I've been feeling that for a couple of days in a row...hence all the pics.
I tried on a pair of jeans that I got the other day for the first time (second hand of course) this evening and my bubble was very crudely popped.
I thought I looked ok in them, even though they felt a little snug. I of course, being an iodiot, asked Chance what he thought about them. He said..."they look fine dear, except they give you camel toe"
Just think about that phrase for a minute everyone...please. CAMEL TOE. You can imagine what that means if you don't already's safe to assume it's NOT a compliment.
I could've done with, "they look a bit too tight, dear"...or, "I don't think those are your style"...or just plain old "no"...
I associate Camel Toe with 500lb. ppl trying to fit into their stretchy pants (it's hard to state that out loud, because I don't care to be judgmental) on the park in the emails. I don't associate it with 165lb. women who are beautiful.
I feel ugly, repulsive and I truthfully feel like crying.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Spent all of Friday out of the house. Got the boys up and outta bed first thing in the morning and drove Chance to work, then we confiscated the truck and went Yard Saling!
We ended up hitting about 14 garage sales in total (one of them twice, to show Chance something), and we spent about 90 dollars. Afterwards we took D to Game Crazy and bought him a new game as well before heading home. We have too many Wii games...honestly, we spoil him, and I don't like it. Darius spent about an equal amount to my own with all the new toys he got. I'm planning on getting rid of the majority of his old ones when we move, Ronnie wants to have her own yard sale then, so if they don't go there they're getting donated.
I'm hoping to get the boys Bunk Beds for the new place, since it's only a two bedroom. I'm thinkin I may just look for them at garage sales and see what I come up with. I much rather prefer the used stuff, I don't make as much of a footprint that way. It drives me nuts that when someone needs something down here they automatically assume brand new is best...I've seen it in my neighbors, friends and acquaintances. I like the value of second hand, but I also do it to preserve.
Anyhow, we didn't make any huge scores like last time, but I'm content with the clothing, and random items I two clothing drying racks (.50 each!), a new Corningwear Casserole dish w/lid (unopened, $5), a couple of new serving platters, a new Decanter & glass set, Under the Tuscan Sun (the book for only a quarter!), an outside ride-em for Hunter, and random toys.
It was fun. We were out until well after Chance got off, and didn't get home until about 5pm (after leaving at 7:20am). We spent about an hour at home, relaxing, then headed back into town to go visit with a co-worker who just got a new apartment.
We hung out there, playing with their dog and chattin them up , while D played Xbox 360 and such. We didn't leave there until 1am. It was fun :o)
I got my Mother's Day gift on Wednesday this week, it was delivered in the mail (I thought he had forgotten). Chance bought me a matching mug and shirt from tat says Scrabble...It's my word against yours. I like them, I'm planning on taking them with me to the next Scrabble night.
I have some serious laundry to do now...clothes that we bought (went to the thrift store yesterday and bought a bag in their bag sale), clothes that we have (I have 4 pairs of pants that I wear outside the house that are all dirty). The house is in need of a good vacuum, and an airing out (might be warm enough this afternoon for a bit to do that), and mebbe some glass cleaner to get rid of the hand prints. I haven't done dishes in what feels like a week (but I'm sure it's only a few days by now), and I haven't felt like cooking a meal in ages.
We're cleaning t he house today...oh boy.

Thursday, May 15, 2008


Wow, what a busy day.
Darius had a dentist appointment at 8:30 this morning with a totally bizarre dentist. Dr. Ghazarian is a northern European decent who never fully got rid of his accent. Was a decent man, but (I think I caught him staring at my chest) was a very bizarre dentist. I'm not entirely certain that I can fully explain how the experience went, but I'll try.
We entered the office with about 2 minutes to spare and noticed the office was very small, with the walls that are the portable kind. He had two small rooms to work in and had one dental assistant (which explains why I had to call three times just to get someone to answer).
When we explained D's predicament about not being able to get a decent x-ray at the other place, and how afraid he was of needles, and after he got the x-ray he needed he was puzzled by the outcome because it didn't show anything was wrong. After a bit of problem solving he figured out that the same old filling had fallen out a bit again and just needed a quick repair (if I had known that I would've gotten it done before without all the hassle, but nobody told me it would be so quick and easy) He didn't require a needle, so all of our pent up energy was wasted. He was just a very odd person. When he first took Darius into the exam room, I stayed about 7 feet away in the waiting area, and Darius said he didn't like his tools (once again, the anxiety of needles) and the Dr. rolled out and said "He doesn't like my tools, I can't work on him if he doesn't like my tools". So I went in and stood with him, and he made the comment about 2 minutes later "I see, you're trying to gain control over me by telling me you don't like my tools...Well, I'll set that straight, I'm the Dr. and you're my patient and that's just how it is." (I tried real hard not to let my jaw drop)
His dental assistant corrected him by saying he's just being curious and helpful. She got A+'s, but he failed dismally. I think during our initial introduction I caught him staring at my chest, so I covered it up too.

Afterwards I took the kids to the park, by this time it was about 9:30 so we had it to ourselves, which was nice. We played for about 30 minutes then took off up to Chance's work and picked up the cell phone from him before heading over to the Goodwill store where I bought the boys a couple of books before heading back to Chance's work for lunch (D requested it, I don't care much for it). We sat in the restaurant before heading tot he truck because we were having some issues sitting still and behaving. We finished our lunch in the truck before heading to Rhonda and Don's to do the weekly cleaning. We arrived at about 12:30 and left by 4pm.
After getting home we relaxed a bit and then Chance arrived. We had a snack then headed to West Salem with the intentions of turning in the change from our piggy bank ($104) and checking out their local thrift shop (which was closed). We sat down for dinner at a mom&pop pizza place and on our way home I said "Hey, there's a sign there that says free piano". So we swung around and drove by again to make sure it said that, then pulled up and inquired.
So, we now have a piano (the wall kind, with a flat back) in our possession that's about 100 years old but still very functional. Yay us! I had intended to get D into some sort of music lessons in the fall but hadn't decided what kind yet. I guess we have our answer. How exciting...I've never owned a piano before. hopefully it won't drive me nuts.
Tomorrow I'm planning on taking the kids garage-saling again with me by myself while Chanc is at work, and I promised D I'd pack a picnic for us for lunch. Oh boy!
I feel alive again!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

So...Ronnie went to Columbus for a coupla days for training and loaned us hr car in the interim. That was nice.
Once I got over my nausea, I was ok, but that rock in the pit of my stomach still hasn't quite gone away yet. I had to fight some initial fevers and I think that was the worst cause it wore me out and drove me under every possible blanket I could get my hands on. each time I got up to make the boys a snack or meal I was shivering within seconds.
I took us out yesterday to Ryan's (my fav buffet place) for dinner cause I just didn't feel up to cooking. I've been feeling a lot like that lately. I guess it's cause Chance doesn't really enjoy eating at home, and the kids are super easy to please that it's just not worth my effort to cook anything decent for myself. Not to mention that I hate doing the dishes.
I caught up on the dishes a bit today, and schoolwork. I drove us through 7 capters of school lessons. Does anyone else recall learning about geometry and factions in Kindergarten? He's just getting started in geometrical shapes, and fractions (1/4, 1/2, 1/3). I'm curious now to see what else is in that book, but I'm not the type to look ahead.
I'm aiming to complete out History and Phonics before school starts next year, along with at least half of the math. I dunno about LA, they said you can't finish Phonics with finishing LA, so I guess I'll aim to finish that to. According to our teacher on June 30th the school sends out a reclamation letter to th families not re-enrolling that states all items that need to be sent back, so hopefully we'll be all good by then.
I just really need to keep my head up and try harder to keep us on task as much as possible to get it all accomplished. I want him to enjoy grade 1, and not have to focus so much on how much he doesn't know, and focus on making new friends and the like.
I've been running circles in my head about this past weekend, and what it really means to me. I guess I've nothing to do at nights and during the quiet times I can snag, but think about me and what I'm doing. It's terrifying to think that I am who I am. I'm so timid that I mumble and people ask me to repeat what I've just said, and I don't generally look people in the eye when I'm speaking to them. I'm like this little thing. I try not to talk about who I am, or where I come from (other than generalities of geography) because I've damaged myself so much since this time last year that I don't really believe I'm worthy of making any new friends...god, if this is what I think ab out myself, if these people really knew everything I've put myself through, there's no way they'd want to get to know me.
It's funny ho win the end of most conflicts we become our own worst enemy.

Monday, May 12, 2008

What a long weekend.
I'm sick...nauseated, and achy all over with stomach cramping coming and going. I feel awful.
Anyhow, we had our party on Saturday evening, and as usual I went way overboard on the food. I should've just made my usual platters of fruit, cheese and crackers and left it at that. I was under the impression that more people were going to make it out, and that we would end up with a few staying the night, but they all bailed. I was irritated that no one showed up until almost 8pm, and never mind that but, they didn't want the BBQ stuff. If I had known that I would'tve bought the stuff to begin with.
Anyhow, I missed about an hours worth of the party, and by the time I got back everyone was for Jamie and his wife Jessica who stayed until 2 something. It was fun.
Rhonda and Don kept both kids overnight, which made it really quiet on our end, and I have recollections of hitting the bed and not gaining consciousness until 8am. Though, it was only about 5 hours of sleep...oh well. It was uninterrupted in any event.
Sunday we went up to Toledo as planned. I thought we were supposed to have reservations someplace, but I must've misheard the plans cause we went to someone's house and spent our afternoon there. It was nice, if a bit awkward. I really felt like I just didn't belong there, like I was interrupting something special...and after Toby left I found out why. The family hadn't seen him in 2 years, so it was special to finally have him visiting again on his own. So, there we were, cramming in with our family, trying to visit with everyone and Toby too. I think they would've been better off just staying with just their family...personally. If I hadn't seen someone in 2 years and the people I was visiting threw a party, I think they'd be too distracted to spend that time getting to know me again.
In any event, it was a smooth trip both ways, Chance, Hunter and I slept on the way up, and Hunter and Chance slept on the way home. Darius watched DVD's, and I read. It made for a quiet trip.
We managed only one meltdown while we were out, despite Darius being over-tired (his eyes were all puffy). It wasn't too horrible, but I resolved it by having Chance and Darius talk, and making D walk with me. I brought 3 spare outfits for Hunter, and one for D, and actually ended up using them all. Thank-goodness I pack like I do. :o)
I'm sick now, in any event...I assume from pasta salad gone bad that I ate last night. Hopefully the boys take it easy on me.
In any vent, we now have plans for next month to drive up to Michigan for Toby's graduation. I'm wondering how that one will go...I guess I'll lay down the specifics needed for the trip, cause it's a bit longer. Make a list, make a list...otherwise how are they to know?
Anyhow, uploaded my pics to Flickr.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

I Hate it

Uploaded pics to Flickr, and while I was there I changed the permissions on the main family photos from private to public. It seemed to take forever cause Flickr lags quite a bit, which I find annoying. I guess I just have a lot stored on their site :oP

On another note, I'm rather irritated at the stupid health care system down here.
I took D to the dentist last week and they said he had a cavity that needed a filling. I asked for him to be referred to a pediatric specialist so he could be sedated for the procedure (as they tried once in BC to do a regular filling with horrid consequences), and they gave me the number to a place called Locust. no Dr. name, no, "they'll call you to make an appointment", not even a location. So, I phoned them (a bit apprehensive that I'd even get the right place, they sure don't go out of their way to make you feel comfortable with these things), and they said their pediatric specialist had just recently left their practice, and though they could still see him, there were no specialists available (meaning NO one there would sedate him, he'd hafta get a needle in the mouth and be awake for the whole thing).
I called the main dental office back and told them this, and asked for another referral, and the lady on the other end said they don't refer out to anyone else except Locust, and that if I wanted to find someone else I'd have to either do it on my own, or phone the insurance company and ask them for a recommendation. WTF?! Are you serious, you seriously only refer to ONE fucking place?! I have NEVER heard of that.
So, along with this I discovered that I missed my dental appointment to have my filling done (156 tab to boot). I thought it was today at 5pm, but when I pulled out my card I discovered that it was last Thursday at 5pm. When I phoned to reschedule, I discover I can't get in until June 5th at 6pm.
I called back again because I realized that I forgot to schedule Darius in there, and when I tell her I had been referred out she interrupts me and says once he's been referred we can't take him because the Dr. feels he can't work on him. It pisses me off that she didn't eve give me a chance to finish what I was explaining...stupid bitch, I swear if I could've jumped through the phone she'd have a fat lip. ANYways, once I waited for her to stop speaking I finished explaining that I had asked for the referral, and then she puts me on hold for about 5 minutes while she discusses it with the Dr. She comes back and says, "Well, the Dr. didn't even get an x-ray (Yes, he did get X-rays, just not as detailed as he was hoping because D was uncomfortable doing it), so he's recommending you take him elsewhere. I have a few numbers to places you could try as an alternate..." and proceeds to give me the numbers.
Hold up...I thought they didn't refer to any other place than Locust?
So, she gave me the number to one place there in Ashland where they are, and one for a Dr. down in Columbus. That's over an hours drive away...for a simple filling.
If I were home this all would've been taken care of in a week.
I'm ready to pull my hair out with these idiots. How do such incompetent people get jobs?
I hate the stupid fucking useless money grubbing greedy ass insurance companies and their fucking health care system.

it disguised itself, honest

We have a tree behind our garage, and it just looked kinda boring over the winter...then low and behold it sprouted flowers! and it's a lilac tree!
I didn't recognize it, or the leaves at all when it started budding (mainly because I don't spend any time on that side of the house, or I would've inspected it with Hunter). I got the bright idea to take a few clippings for my dining room last night, and this morning it smells so purty!
I love lilacs.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Yummy Breakfast...I made some (just add water) pancakes, some (turkey) bacon, and scrambled eggs.
Hunter likes the bacon but doesn't chew and swallow it so well.
Anyhow...wrote my May newsletter, and am looking forward to sending it out, though I'm thinking I may wait until I can order a family short from Shutterfly...I dunno yet. I do know it's not going to arrive for Mother's day, so I'm toying around with the send date.
I go in tomorrow to get a filling done (156 bux later), and Darius needs a filling as well (though I can't find anyone who will sedate him and may just end up getting him the old fashioned needle in the mouth crap). He's got an appointment to get to two warts off the bottom of his foot next week as they keep bothering him. Hmmm...lalala.
We're having a party on Saturday for Chance's manager who's leaving for someplace, and Sunday we're supposed to go to Toledo with Rhonda and Don. I can't say I'm overly-thrilled to be going north, but I think I'll be ok if I can snag a nap someplace along the way. I know the boys are going t be tired, and I know Chance'll probably be useless from being either tired or grumpy, or both. That's worse case case would be me getting both boys to sleep in a decent time, and us getting a proper amount of sleep. I'll keep my fingers crossed, cause I'd really like to have a good time seeing as I've never been to Toledo before.
Anyhow, I guess I should go find something to do with the boys ;o)

Monday, May 05, 2008

Busy & Overwhelmed

It feels like it's been forever since I posted a decent blog. I go moment to moment without enough time to sit and collect my thoughts anymore.
Yesterday we went to look at a duplex in Wooster, and ended up laying down our signatures and such for it. It's a fairly big two bedroom 1 1/2 bath place, with a dinky yard but it's right across the street from a school. We'll be able to move in mid-June, oh boy!
Am getting ready to piece together our May letter. I had hoped to have it out and to everyone by Mother's Day, but I just didn't put enough forethought into that one, so it's not looking likely.
I've got plants growing in my pots! Only two have sprouted so far, but I'm crossing my fingers that the others will follow soon.
It's been fairly nice here, with the exception of Saturday where we had torrential downpours.
Saturday I dragged us all Garage-Sale-ing. It was a lot of fun ( and the boys looked adorable in their yellow rain-coats), and we came out of it with a 40-something inch projection screen tv for 45 dollars, it needs something to fix it (chance told me what it was but I can't remember it). Always nice to find something for a new experience. I think it was a good idea, honestly, how much of a loss was it? If we can't fix it, then we'll just toss it to some electronics recyclers, and if we can, well then I'm sure we can fix it for cheaper than if we had bought it brand new. And, it paid for itself when I went to clean Sunday. :o) No big loss. On a personal note to that one...we ask everyone's opinions on decisions like that because we like to be informed, just because we don't follow you're advice doesn't mean we respect you any less, it just means we made our own decision based on all of the input. It's not meant as an insult.
It's been a busy month, with Chance's co-workers coming over at least once a week. I'm not complaining, they seem like a very easy-going bunch. I'm happy to be back in my hostess role (except when I'm being snapped at because nothings clean enough).
I picked up some new pattern while out on Saturday, and last week I cut out a bunch of maternity patterns for a friend in Hospice (I hope she calls me soon) and am planning on sewing those together today. I wanna cut out a few things that'll fit me. Chance keeps saying I don't hafta do that, that all I need is to loose weight so I fit into my old clothes, but honestly, my old clothes are that for a reason...I have had most of them for at least 3 years now, and they just need to move on. So, I chopped all my pants that were too small into Capri's, and I took the stitching out to loosen them, and cut the waistbands so they would fit properly...and voila. I'm also cutting off all of Hunter's pants that are too short, and making them into shorts for him. I'll be doing the same for D soon as well. And Chance has recruited me to fix zippers in a few of his shorts.
Yup, it's a new season, new mending needs to be done. :o)
I've been taking a lot of pictures of me with the timer lately. I'm trying to re-create the picture from last year where I actually look Happy, and relaxed. It's not working so far. I'll keep y'all updated.
I remember asking last year how much time was considered fair...the time frame I that was given was a year. It's been 7 (almost 8) months since we've arrived. I ask, am I any happier in either my relationship, or my surroundings that I was before I left? Am I any happier with myself?
I almost feel like I'm going crazy at home. I don't really get a whole lot of opportunities to go out of the house by myself for no reason, or even for a reason. I'm stuck at home, with both kids, with no relief. I'm trying to follow the "Feel Good Naked" program, in which i'm supposed to get 30 minutes of me time a day, and I have yet to manage it. Chance is so busy with school-work, yard-work, video games, computer stuff, truck-work, and so on that I can't seem to find the voice to say back off, I'm off limits for 30 minutes. Yes, 30 minutes seems too overwhelming in one day because there's just too much of everything else. As such...I don't get time away from the boys.
I almost feel like this horrible parent because I'm beginning to hate spending so much time with them. I hate being home all day, I hate having no one but children to talk to, I hate my kids' behaviors, and actions, and the way they talk and whine. I'm beginning to take my children for granted because I'm so burnt out.
Let me say that again. I'm burnt out. I'm beginning to feel sorry for myself. There's no one here who specifically cares for me, looks out for me, watches my back, or tends to me. I guess that is now my job. Even though I'm married. I didn't even get a birthday present. I got an I.O.U. that has never (and I'm guaranteeing) will never be paid up. (7 months later here we are). I'm curious to see what I get for Mother's Day (if anything because I don't think he's remembered). I'm feeling sorry for myself because there's no me.
I've said it many many times before...I make allowances for how other people in my family operate and work because I know how hard personal change is, and I don't expect them to do it based on my personal opinion...I think it's fair that they do the same for me. But that "Breckenridge Way" seems to make it ok that I am just get forgotten. I've worked the same way since I can remember. I never put myself before anyone else...ever, and the likelihood of that changing anytime soon is pretty dismal. How long do you think it should've taken for me to be put on that list of priorities?