Monday, May 05, 2008

Busy & Overwhelmed

It feels like it's been forever since I posted a decent blog. I go moment to moment without enough time to sit and collect my thoughts anymore.
Yesterday we went to look at a duplex in Wooster, and ended up laying down our signatures and such for it. It's a fairly big two bedroom 1 1/2 bath place, with a dinky yard but it's right across the street from a school. We'll be able to move in mid-June, oh boy!
Am getting ready to piece together our May letter. I had hoped to have it out and to everyone by Mother's Day, but I just didn't put enough forethought into that one, so it's not looking likely.
I've got plants growing in my pots! Only two have sprouted so far, but I'm crossing my fingers that the others will follow soon.
It's been fairly nice here, with the exception of Saturday where we had torrential downpours.
Saturday I dragged us all Garage-Sale-ing. It was a lot of fun ( and the boys looked adorable in their yellow rain-coats), and we came out of it with a 40-something inch projection screen tv for 45 dollars, it needs something to fix it (chance told me what it was but I can't remember it). Always nice to find something for a new experience. I think it was a good idea, honestly, how much of a loss was it? If we can't fix it, then we'll just toss it to some electronics recyclers, and if we can, well then I'm sure we can fix it for cheaper than if we had bought it brand new. And, it paid for itself when I went to clean Sunday. :o) No big loss. On a personal note to that one...we ask everyone's opinions on decisions like that because we like to be informed, just because we don't follow you're advice doesn't mean we respect you any less, it just means we made our own decision based on all of the input. It's not meant as an insult.
It's been a busy month, with Chance's co-workers coming over at least once a week. I'm not complaining, they seem like a very easy-going bunch. I'm happy to be back in my hostess role (except when I'm being snapped at because nothings clean enough).
I picked up some new pattern while out on Saturday, and last week I cut out a bunch of maternity patterns for a friend in Hospice (I hope she calls me soon) and am planning on sewing those together today. I wanna cut out a few things that'll fit me. Chance keeps saying I don't hafta do that, that all I need is to loose weight so I fit into my old clothes, but honestly, my old clothes are that for a reason...I have had most of them for at least 3 years now, and they just need to move on. So, I chopped all my pants that were too small into Capri's, and I took the stitching out to loosen them, and cut the waistbands so they would fit properly...and voila. I'm also cutting off all of Hunter's pants that are too short, and making them into shorts for him. I'll be doing the same for D soon as well. And Chance has recruited me to fix zippers in a few of his shorts.
Yup, it's a new season, new mending needs to be done. :o)
I've been taking a lot of pictures of me with the timer lately. I'm trying to re-create the picture from last year where I actually look Happy, and relaxed. It's not working so far. I'll keep y'all updated.
I remember asking last year how much time was considered fair...the time frame I that was given was a year. It's been 7 (almost 8) months since we've arrived. I ask, am I any happier in either my relationship, or my surroundings that I was before I left? Am I any happier with myself?
I almost feel like I'm going crazy at home. I don't really get a whole lot of opportunities to go out of the house by myself for no reason, or even for a reason. I'm stuck at home, with both kids, with no relief. I'm trying to follow the "Feel Good Naked" program, in which i'm supposed to get 30 minutes of me time a day, and I have yet to manage it. Chance is so busy with school-work, yard-work, video games, computer stuff, truck-work, and so on that I can't seem to find the voice to say back off, I'm off limits for 30 minutes. Yes, 30 minutes seems too overwhelming in one day because there's just too much of everything else. As such...I don't get time away from the boys.
I almost feel like this horrible parent because I'm beginning to hate spending so much time with them. I hate being home all day, I hate having no one but children to talk to, I hate my kids' behaviors, and actions, and the way they talk and whine. I'm beginning to take my children for granted because I'm so burnt out.
Let me say that again. I'm burnt out. I'm beginning to feel sorry for myself. There's no one here who specifically cares for me, looks out for me, watches my back, or tends to me. I guess that is now my job. Even though I'm married. I didn't even get a birthday present. I got an I.O.U. that has never (and I'm guaranteeing) will never be paid up. (7 months later here we are). I'm curious to see what I get for Mother's Day (if anything because I don't think he's remembered). I'm feeling sorry for myself because there's no me.
I've said it many many times before...I make allowances for how other people in my family operate and work because I know how hard personal change is, and I don't expect them to do it based on my personal opinion...I think it's fair that they do the same for me. But that "Breckenridge Way" seems to make it ok that I am just get forgotten. I've worked the same way since I can remember. I never put myself before anyone else...ever, and the likelihood of that changing anytime soon is pretty dismal. How long do you think it should've taken for me to be put on that list of priorities?

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