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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Introspection

I'm bothered tonight.
I find myself at home, feeling overwhelming feelings of lonliness. Maybe even self-pity.
I've been thinking a lot about moving, and I've come to a sad realization. I'm leaving my home country, once again, and I'm leaving it, once again, without a soul to miss me.
Strictly speaking the poeple who will miss me most is my family, and truthfully those are who matter most, but I'm finding it disappointing that I'm leaving without friends to miss me pr write to.
I know I place myself in this position. I don't make friends unless they're willing to put forth the effort that I do into friendships, even if it is for a short peiod of time. The friends that I have had in my time here have been such because I needed something from them, and once I had gained it, I moved on. Yes, that means I am no longer friends with those people.
At each point in my life I have had a friend whom at one specific point in time, knows what I'm going through and feeling. Everybody needs a friend like that.
My friend choices may not have agreed with everyone, some people may not have understood them, but I needed them then.
I am friendless now because I didn't have enough time to find that person after the last blew on by.
My husband tells me I'm too picky, and set my standards too high. If I were talking to him about this I'd be "self-victemizing".
Point being, I put myself in this position, and truth of it is, I'm jealous that my husband will have more people miss him, than I ever will. Not including family.
My family means everything to me, but even my own husband doesn't know all of the experiences that I've had in my lifetime, and even if I were to open myself up to my family like that, it'd be hard to look them in the eye for the rest of my life and still have self respect.
Truth of the matter is as well, that my husband and I just don't have the relationship that I could do that in either. yes, it is up to me to change that, but I'm not yet that courageous, and don't see that happening anytime soon. I put myself in a position where I find it tough to admit to the past...that one that didn't include him.
I've never enjoyed just going for drinks with my husband, because rather than I, he'd rather play a video game at the bar, or play pool. I'm more interested in dancing and having a heart-to-heart. There are so many differences, that it's easy to shove those in the way of the actual reason why I'm not letting myself free of those circumstances.
Truth of the matter, I'm all by myself again, and it's incredibly depressing that I have no one to say goodbye or hello to.

3 thoughtful remarks:

Candice said...

Hard to have opportunities to make friends if you're a stay-at-home mom. Hopefully Ohio has similar parenting groups or something.

Ama said...

In my almost 46 years, I also have found it difficult to find even one person that I could confide. In the many times we moved, I never once had a "going away" party, or a welcome wagon once we got there. It seems so easy for some people and I wonder if they truly have the quality that I feel I need in a friendship. I've heard the terms "picky" "standoffish" and "stuck up" used to describe me because I've never settled for quantity over quality. I'm not saying that one is better than the other, but rather than feeling jealosy, embrace what you feel is right for you. I know what lonliness feels like in a room full of people. As for relationships with men...they're certainly a challenge and it's truly amazing how calm they appear on the outside and make things look and seem so easy. Take it from me, inside, some of them are just as afraid as we are, they just disguise it better. Even though I'm the "motherinlaw," you can call me anytime...and I'll listen...I don't want you to feel like you're alone, because you're not.

Ama said...

what I meant to say, and didn't very well in the previous reply is: relationships and friendships take time to cultivate. Courage is a virtue (along with prudence, justice, and temperance) and serves to protect us. It keeps us from being reckless, therefore, it sounds like you have LOTS of courage. It sounds like you take more time to search for and build your relationshps and over time, you'll reap the benefits for having the courage to do so.