So...Ronnie went to Columbus for a coupla days for training and loaned us hr car in the interim. That was nice.
Once I got over my nausea, I was ok, but that rock in the pit of my stomach still hasn't quite gone away yet. I had to fight some initial fevers and I think that was the worst cause it wore me out and drove me under every possible blanket I could get my hands on. each time I got up to make the boys a snack or meal I was shivering within seconds.
I took us out yesterday to Ryan's (my fav buffet place) for dinner cause I just didn't feel up to cooking. I've been feeling a lot like that lately. I guess it's cause Chance doesn't really enjoy eating at home, and the kids are super easy to please that it's just not worth my effort to cook anything decent for myself. Not to mention that I hate doing the dishes.
I caught up on the dishes a bit today, and schoolwork. I drove us through 7 capters of school lessons. Does anyone else recall learning about geometry and factions in Kindergarten? He's just getting started in geometrical shapes, and fractions (1/4, 1/2, 1/3). I'm curious now to see what else is in that book, but I'm not the type to look ahead.
I'm aiming to complete out History and Phonics before school starts next year, along with at least half of the math. I dunno about LA, they said you can't finish Phonics with finishing LA, so I guess I'll aim to finish that to. According to our teacher on June 30th the school sends out a reclamation letter to th families not re-enrolling that states all items that need to be sent back, so hopefully we'll be all good by then.
I just really need to keep my head up and try harder to keep us on task as much as possible to get it all accomplished. I want him to enjoy grade 1, and not have to focus so much on how much he doesn't know, and focus on making new friends and the like.
I've been running circles in my head about this past weekend, and what it really means to me. I guess I've nothing to do at nights and during the quiet times I can snag, but think about me and what I'm doing. It's terrifying to think that I am who I am. I'm so timid that I mumble and people ask me to repeat what I've just said, and I don't generally look people in the eye when I'm speaking to them. I'm like this little thing. I try not to talk about who I am, or where I come from (other than generalities of geography) because I've damaged myself so much since this time last year that I don't really believe I'm worthy of making any new friends...god, if this is what I think ab out myself, if these people really knew everything I've put myself through, there's no way they'd want to get to know me.
It's funny ho win the end of most conflicts we become our own worst enemy.

What a long weekend.
I'm sick...nauseated, and achy all over with stomach cramping coming and going. I feel awful.
Anyhow, we had our party on Saturday evening, and as usual I went way overboard on the food. I should've just made my usual platters of fruit, cheese and crackers and left it at that. I was under the impression that more people were going to make it out, and that we would end up with a few staying the night, but they all bailed. I was irritated that no one showed up until almost 8pm, and never mind that but, they didn't want the BBQ stuff. If I had known that I would'tve bought the stuff to begin with.
Anyhow, I missed about an hours worth of the party, and by the time I got back everyone was leaving...save for Jamie and his wife Jessica who stayed until 2 something. It was fun.
Rhonda and Don kept both kids overnight, which made it really quiet on our end, and I have recollections of hitting the bed and not gaining consciousness until 8am. Though, it was only about 5 hours of sleep...oh well. It was uninterrupted in any event.
Sunday we went up to Toledo as planned. I thought we were supposed to have reservations someplace, but I must've misheard the plans cause we went to someone's house and spent our afternoon there. It was nice, if a bit awkward. I really felt like I just didn't belong there, like I was interrupting something special...and after Toby left I found out why. The family hadn't seen him in 2 years, so it was special to finally have him visiting again on his own. So, there we were, cramming in with our family, trying to visit with everyone and Toby too. I think they would've been better off just staying with just their family...personally. If I hadn't seen someone in 2 years and the people I was visiting threw a party, I think they'd be too distracted to spend that time getting to know me again.
In any event, it was a smooth trip both ways, Chance, Hunter and I slept on the way up, and Hunter and Chance slept on the way home. Darius watched DVD's, and I read. It made for a quiet trip.
We managed only one meltdown while we were out, despite Darius being over-tired (his eyes were all puffy). It wasn't too horrible, but I resolved it by having Chance and Darius talk, and making D walk with me. I brought 3 spare outfits for Hunter, and one for D, and actually ended up using them all. Thank-goodness I pack like I do. :o)
I'm sick now, in any event...I assume from pasta salad gone bad that I ate last night. Hopefully the boys take it easy on me.
In any vent, we now have plans for next month to drive up to Michigan for Toby's graduation. I'm wondering how that one will go...I guess I'll lay down the specifics needed for the trip, cause it's a bit longer. Make a list, make a list...otherwise how are they to know?
Anyhow, uploaded my pics to Flickr.

I Hate it

Uploaded pics to Flickr, and while I was there I changed the permissions on the main family photos from private to public. It seemed to take forever cause Flickr lags quite a bit, which I find annoying. I guess I just have a lot stored on their site :oP

On another note, I'm rather irritated at the stupid health care system down here.
I took D to the dentist last week and they said he had a cavity that needed a filling. I asked for him to be referred to a pediatric specialist so he could be sedated for the procedure (as they tried once in BC to do a regular filling with horrid consequences), and they gave me the number to a place called Locust. no Dr. name, no, "they'll call you to make an appointment", not even a location. So, I phoned them (a bit apprehensive that I'd even get the right place, they sure don't go out of their way to make you feel comfortable with these things), and they said their pediatric specialist had just recently left their practice, and though they could still see him, there were no specialists available (meaning NO one there would sedate him, he'd hafta get a needle in the mouth and be awake for the whole thing).
I called the main dental office back and told them this, and asked for another referral, and the lady on the other end said they don't refer out to anyone else except Locust, and that if I wanted to find someone else I'd have to either do it on my own, or phone the insurance company and ask them for a recommendation. WTF?! Are you serious, you seriously only refer to ONE fucking place?! I have NEVER heard of that.
So, along with this I discovered that I missed my dental appointment to have my filling done (156 tab to boot). I thought it was today at 5pm, but when I pulled out my card I discovered that it was last Thursday at 5pm. When I phoned to reschedule, I discover I can't get in until June 5th at 6pm.
I called back again because I realized that I forgot to schedule Darius in there, and when I tell her I had been referred out she interrupts me and says once he's been referred we can't take him because the Dr. feels he can't work on him. It pisses me off that she didn't eve give me a chance to finish what I was explaining...stupid bitch, I swear if I could've jumped through the phone she'd have a fat lip. ANYways, once I waited for her to stop speaking I finished explaining that I had asked for the referral, and then she puts me on hold for about 5 minutes while she discusses it with the Dr. She comes back and says, "Well, the Dr. didn't even get an x-ray (Yes, he did get X-rays, just not as detailed as he was hoping because D was uncomfortable doing it), so he's recommending you take him elsewhere. I have a few numbers to places you could try as an alternate..." and proceeds to give me the numbers.
Hold up...I thought they didn't refer to any other place than Locust?
So, she gave me the number to one place there in Ashland where they are, and one for a Dr. down in Columbus. That's over an hours drive away...for a simple filling.
If I were home this all would've been taken care of in a week.
I'm ready to pull my hair out with these idiots. How do such incompetent people get jobs?
I hate the stupid fucking useless money grubbing greedy ass insurance companies and their fucking health care system.

it disguised itself, honest

We have a tree behind our garage, and it just looked kinda boring over the winter...then low and behold it sprouted flowers! and it's a lilac tree!
I didn't recognize it, or the leaves at all when it started budding (mainly because I don't spend any time on that side of the house, or I would've inspected it with Hunter). I got the bright idea to take a few clippings for my dining room last night, and this morning it smells so purty!
I love lilacs.

Yummy Breakfast...I made some (just add water) pancakes, some (turkey) bacon, and scrambled eggs.
Hunter likes the bacon but doesn't chew and swallow it so well.
Anyhow...wrote my May newsletter, and am looking forward to sending it out, though I'm thinking I may wait until I can order a family short from Shutterfly...I dunno yet. I do know it's not going to arrive for Mother's day, so I'm toying around with the send date.
I go in tomorrow to get a filling done (156 bux later), and Darius needs a filling as well (though I can't find anyone who will sedate him and may just end up getting him the old fashioned needle in the mouth crap). He's got an appointment to get to two warts off the bottom of his foot next week as they keep bothering him. Hmmm...lalala.
We're having a party on Saturday for Chance's manager who's leaving for someplace, and Sunday we're supposed to go to Toledo with Rhonda and Don. I can't say I'm overly-thrilled to be going north, but I think I'll be ok if I can snag a nap someplace along the way. I know the boys are going t be tired, and I know Chance'll probably be useless from being either tired or grumpy, or both. That's worse case scenario...best case would be me getting both boys to sleep in a decent time, and us getting a proper amount of sleep. I'll keep my fingers crossed, cause I'd really like to have a good time seeing as I've never been to Toledo before.
Anyhow, I guess I should go find something to do with the boys ;o)

Busy & Overwhelmed

It feels like it's been forever since I posted a decent blog. I go moment to moment without enough time to sit and collect my thoughts anymore.
Yesterday we went to look at a duplex in Wooster, and ended up laying down our signatures and such for it. It's a fairly big two bedroom 1 1/2 bath place, with a dinky yard but it's right across the street from a school. We'll be able to move in mid-June, oh boy!
Am getting ready to piece together our May letter. I had hoped to have it out and to everyone by Mother's Day, but I just didn't put enough forethought into that one, so it's not looking likely.
I've got plants growing in my pots! Only two have sprouted so far, but I'm crossing my fingers that the others will follow soon.
It's been fairly nice here, with the exception of Saturday where we had torrential downpours.
Saturday I dragged us all Garage-Sale-ing. It was a lot of fun ( and the boys looked adorable in their yellow rain-coats), and we came out of it with a 40-something inch projection screen tv for 45 dollars, it needs something to fix it (chance told me what it was but I can't remember it). Always nice to find something for a new experience. I think it was a good idea, honestly, how much of a loss was it? If we can't fix it, then we'll just toss it to some electronics recyclers, and if we can, well then I'm sure we can fix it for cheaper than if we had bought it brand new. And, it paid for itself when I went to clean Sunday. :o) No big loss. On a personal note to that one...we ask everyone's opinions on decisions like that because we like to be informed, just because we don't follow you're advice doesn't mean we respect you any less, it just means we made our own decision based on all of the input. It's not meant as an insult.
It's been a busy month, with Chance's co-workers coming over at least once a week. I'm not complaining, they seem like a very easy-going bunch. I'm happy to be back in my hostess role (except when I'm being snapped at because nothings clean enough).
I picked up some new pattern while out on Saturday, and last week I cut out a bunch of maternity patterns for a friend in Hospice (I hope she calls me soon) and am planning on sewing those together today. I wanna cut out a few things that'll fit me. Chance keeps saying I don't hafta do that, that all I need is to loose weight so I fit into my old clothes, but honestly, my old clothes are that for a reason...I have had most of them for at least 3 years now, and they just need to move on. So, I chopped all my pants that were too small into Capri's, and I took the stitching out to loosen them, and cut the waistbands so they would fit properly...and voila. I'm also cutting off all of Hunter's pants that are too short, and making them into shorts for him. I'll be doing the same for D soon as well. And Chance has recruited me to fix zippers in a few of his shorts.
Yup, it's a new season, new mending needs to be done. :o)
I've been taking a lot of pictures of me with the timer lately. I'm trying to re-create the picture from last year where I actually look Happy, and relaxed. It's not working so far. I'll keep y'all updated.
I remember asking last year how much time was considered fair...the time frame I that was given was a year. It's been 7 (almost 8) months since we've arrived. I ask, am I any happier in either my relationship, or my surroundings that I was before I left? Am I any happier with myself?
I almost feel like I'm going crazy at home. I don't really get a whole lot of opportunities to go out of the house by myself for no reason, or even for a reason. I'm stuck at home, with both kids, with no relief. I'm trying to follow the "Feel Good Naked" program, in which i'm supposed to get 30 minutes of me time a day, and I have yet to manage it. Chance is so busy with school-work, yard-work, video games, computer stuff, truck-work, and so on that I can't seem to find the voice to say back off, I'm off limits for 30 minutes. Yes, 30 minutes seems too overwhelming in one day because there's just too much of everything else. As such...I don't get time away from the boys.
I almost feel like this horrible parent because I'm beginning to hate spending so much time with them. I hate being home all day, I hate having no one but children to talk to, I hate my kids' behaviors, and actions, and the way they talk and whine. I'm beginning to take my children for granted because I'm so burnt out.
Let me say that again. I'm burnt out. I'm beginning to feel sorry for myself. There's no one here who specifically cares for me, looks out for me, watches my back, or tends to me. I guess that is now my job. Even though I'm married. I didn't even get a birthday present. I got an I.O.U. that has never (and I'm guaranteeing) will never be paid up. (7 months later here we are). I'm curious to see what I get for Mother's Day (if anything because I don't think he's remembered). I'm feeling sorry for myself because there's no me.
I've said it many many times before...I make allowances for how other people in my family operate and work because I know how hard personal change is, and I don't expect them to do it based on my personal opinion...I think it's fair that they do the same for me. But that "Breckenridge Way" seems to make it ok that I am just get forgotten. I've worked the same way since I can remember. I never put myself before anyone else...ever, and the likelihood of that changing anytime soon is pretty dismal. How long do you think it should've taken for me to be put on that list of priorities?