We had a good visit this weekend w/MIL. We drove into the Farmer's Market, and then on Sunday we went sight seeing, which actually turned itself into a 3 hour hike well into Bear Country. We wound up exploring an area of the park that we drive by each and everyday on our way into town, called Moul Falls. Beautiful. We discovered some stairs that led to the bottom and went and got ourselves drenched in the spray. Was loads of fun, and I was rather impressed that H hiked the whole entire way (except the last bit ont he way back) all on his own.
We live in a beautiful area of country. I'm very impressed with our surrounding areas, and on Sunday when we were out, we viewed at least 8 bears, on that one day.
Living in a tourist based town does have it's drawbacks though. We've had to adjust our timing when driving into town now, as we've had to account for RV's. I can't believe how many of them there are! Almost each and every single one of them is a rental too!
I'm working hard at working hard.
H joined me at the Daycare today, and he adjusted very well to sharing me with 13 other children.
Last weekend H got a bad cramp in his leg while my mom was here. She massaged it out and he fell asleep for the night. A few days later I was getting him ready for bed and brought the cramp up in a conversation w/Mr. H suddenly got a very perplexed look on his face and looked down at his leg. He started to lift up his pant leg, and when I asked him what he was doing, he said "I want to see the clamp on my leg mommy".

Holy Bears Batman!

It's been a hectic, and short week.
Just in the past two days, I've seen a grand total of 6 bears in my area. They're big, fat, and huge!
I guess with all of mild weather we've had, they must've been out earlier and have consequently eaten massive amounts. They are now the size they would normally be by the end of summer...so I can only imagine how big they will be by the end of summer!
MIL is visiting, and we had a nice day today. We headed into town to catch the local Farmer's Market, and to see what else we could catch in the flea markets & garage sales that were happening this weekend. We didn't walk away with much from those, which was rather surprising.
D is amassing himself quite a collection of flowers. Today he made the decision to start collecting purple flowers. Should be interesting. He started out with a geranium, but I don't think he knew it would be red, so he picked out some purple flowered plants at the Farmer's Market, and has decided he's like to keep them for himself.
While this week was a challenge and struggle for me to get through, I made it.
H is starting Daycare on Monday. I'm looking forward to it. I'll get to take him to work with me, and actually spend an entire day with him. I've been feeling rather put out that there is another person who is receiving all of that glorious affection that H showers down of late, so I'm really looking forward to this new turn of events.
There is so much that's going on that I wish I could blog about, but since I know it would hurt those whom I happen to be thinking about, the thoughts are best kept to myself.
I feel like people can see how sad I am. I keep seeing this person in the mirror when I walk by it, and I keep wondering what happened to her smile. It feel like I don't do it nearly as often as I have at times.
I've made a compromise, and am trying my best to stick to my end of the deal. I struggle with it each day, but I figure that if I make it through unscathed that I will be stronger for it...right? If I can't give a little, what else is there?
I feel like I'm in a constant state of waiting. Eventually whatever it is that I am waiting for will arrive.
How I have any hope left after looking that statement is beyond me. Maybe it's a survivor thing...

It's been an exhausting week.
Not in a good way.
We're hitting that point where we really have just lost our momentum, and those evil words keep frothing from our mouths.
It's like negativity was just waiting below the surface, like baking soda and vinegar, and all it took was a few things to go wrong before the solution was mixed and all hell seemed to just boil over.
We suffered through a long weekend with various visiting relatives, fighting in background at every opportunity. Wasn't a good scene, but here we are...on the other side. Still.
For now the foam has been sent back from whence it came, but if things aren't remedied son I'm sure it won't take much to send it spilling over the edges once again.

And Now For Some Good News

On to the good stuff.
Despite our setback, we are firmly keeping our eyes and ear to the ground on the hunt for a new place in town. I'm confident it'll fall into our lap before we need to be out of here. We may have to size down or step into a condo or duplex, but I'm certain once summer and the tourist season is over that that won't last for too long.
I discovered today that I've lost another 10 pounds since the last time I've weighed myself. Hooray for me! The clothing I have now is all falling off of me when I wear it, which is mildly annoying, but something that I can put up with.
Over the past two weeks I've been making inquiries to my supervisor as to whether or not the company I work for would fund my finished ECE certification. At first her answer was flat out no. After receiving the details of the budget for the next year, she said she would be able to work it in for me...providing I don't just leave em high and dry. Fair enough, I can do that.
My plan for myself, is to finish my ECE certification, and then carry on to some other courses that I'd like to take. Mechanics (I'd like to know how to fix my own vehicle someday, and own the right to be able to stand in front of it with a beer in my hand and nod & agree with the rest of the guys), photography, and business management. Once my gears have started for this path of furthering my education, I totally plan on following through with it. Now, they may not all be fields that will always have a surplus of jobs available, but darnit I've always wanted these certifications, and now that I'm started, I'm not going to stop.
My family arrives this weekend for our long weekend. I'm really looking forward to having an extra day off, where I don't have to work.
I signed us up to help put together the local Aboriginal Sharing Centre's parade float on Friday, and H & I will be riding on the parade...just gotta make myself some sort of fanciful regalia to match. Should be fun in any event, and I'm really looking forward to furthering my connection with the lady who runs the place.
I've been spending the last two weeks trying to train myself, using the manuals we have available, and I'm hoping that it will all fall into proper place when I do receive my formal training. As it is now, it's making sense, but I'm uncertain yet as to how to initiate it.
Did some grocery shopping today, and then hit the local store to buy some shoes for the boys. Tis the season. This weekend I'm looking forward to hitting a bunch of yard sales in search of size7/8 t-shirts, and some new clothes for Mr. All I want to do is relax this weekend, and with family up here, it'll make that relaxation that much more enjoyable.

I Told Ya So

I did say it.
One of those freak things that usually never happen to other people has happened to us, once again.
The new place we had signed into has fallen through, leaving us with no place to go.
Should be an interesting scramble to try and find other, appropriate accommodations.
I'm so glad this weekend is a long weekend, because I really need that extra day off. The extra time with other family members will be a good thing too.
I'm still left asking "What more can I do?", and still receiving no response. Let's hope I can find another avenue of approach to the whole silly situation.
On the bright side of things, I know this is all happening for a reason. I just need to be patient enough to wait for the outcome.
I'm just getting over a head cold. Honestly, it's just silly that I have a head cold in May, but this is the nature of working in Daycare.
I love the kids I work with more and more each time I'm there with them. I love them even more because they get sent home at the end of the day.
I hate being sick, but am extremely grateful that it was just a head cold that gave me the worst of it over the weekend and didn't take any hours away from my work schedule.
We've gotten to know the fox in our yard a bit more, and it's a rather enjoyable lil fella. Skittish, but adorable and breathtaking to see so close up.
Looking forward to more shot like this one.

Fed Up

I keep thinking I must be making myself look like a woman who's out of control when I blog.
I think I may actually be just that.
It's a day to day life I lead. I don't plan my future, I don't even think beyond the next weekend. Far off dates that are given to me are entered into my phone and promptly forgotten.
I said in an earlier post that there's only so much I can do. Doing anything more than a day-to-day life is too much.
I always feel shamed when it comes to my family. Not of them as people, but of the fact that we have this public image of wanting to help, but we're in such desperate need of it that I fear of being found out.
We didn't actively choose this path though, this just happens to be what was dealt to us. That's what makes if frustrating, and heart breaking.
It struck me the other day that we're into year 9 together, and if we're to have any wedding at all, that we should actually start planning for it now. Gotta have funds fo that sort of thing, right?
I've maintained that if we made it to ten years together that we would have a "proper" wedding, where I'd even get to wear a dress and all that stuff. I intend to keep that thought up. But damn...9 years has gone by so quick.
In all that time together it was only in the first year where we actually had a relatively care-free lifestyle, where we weren't struggling and fighting to live. Truth be told, I can't clearly remember them. I wonder if I do that on purpose?
Citizenship & Immigration Canada and INS are impossible to deal with for the little guy. I don't understand how other people can be so damned lucky to have their applications go through without a hitch, and ours takes years.
I don't understand how families can be happy together with everyone working and going to school, and how they have money to save for education, or vacations, or just for a rainy day. I don't understand how other people can pay for their own schooling, and I'm sitting here scrambling about to figure out how to finish one stupid certificate.
I don't understand how I can struggle so hard each and every morning, and still get no where.
I, quite frankly, can't even understand how I can even manage to get out of bed each and every morning.
I am able to pay for a roof over our heads, and sometimes a quick treat or two from the store. I've stopped taking my children into stores because it's so embarrassing, and heartbreaking, to have to continually say "Not this time".
I've actually been considering taking on another job (seen one advertised that I could do on weekends, possibly), though I really don't know how that would be managed.
Every little bit helps, and though it's helping, it's still not enough. It really just feels like everything will never be enough, and no matter what I do it will always be this way.
It's been this way for nearly ten years now, why would it stop now? What's the next road block that's going to pop up for us? Honestly, there's just got to be something there, that's creative and would never happen to anyone else just waiting around the corner, but I've given up trying to guess what that obstacle might be.

Testosterone Overload

Have you ever felt like you were being overwhelmed by testosterone?
I've been feeling this keenly over the past month, and even though I had a visit from relatives, I'm still in desperate need of a girls night.
We'll be eating a meal at the table and out of the blue the testosterone pops up and the next bite they're all up doing some form of push up, one handed or two, and then that carry's on to handstands, handstands against a wall, and then onto yoga or muscle bouncing.
Yes. I said muscle bouncing. The other night we were getting ready for bed, when D & Mr got into a conversation about Mr's amazing manly ability to bounce his pecs. Mr has a talent I've not seen in many other men (maybe because I ought not be looking at other men who can do this). He has the ability to bounce a number of his muscles without moving his body. He's really just got great muscular control, I guess. That being said it has truly amazed and impressed D.
D happened to be getting changed when a conversation out of earshot took place that left D wondering. Mr came in to brush his teeth and not long after a topless D came in to stand in front of my dresser mirror. I silently watched him as I could tell he was pondering something, and I didn't want to interrupt his process. Before I knew it he stopped right in front of my mirror and held his hands together and tried in vain to bounce his own pecs. I nearly fell off my bed I was laughing so hard. D is a very wiry boy who is full of strength, but no big muscles to speak of. I mean, he's 8.
I love my boys, truly, I do. It makes it difficult to be the only woman in the house when I've not had the freedom of decoration, or even the ability to be "girlie" without being questioned about it. I don't even have a comfortable place to shave for heavens sake. I have a teenie weenie shower stall that one could possibly knock themselves out in should they drop the bar of soap and bend to pick it up. I shaved my legs once in there, and it had some terrible results...
I've yet to get up the gumption to find someplace else to do this activity, so I'm walkin round like a wooly mammoth in the warmer months and wearing nothing shorter than capris. Even that I consider a sin. At least I'm not wearing crocs or socks & sandals like I've seen tho.
I cut my hair. Or should I say I had Mr cut my hair? I've been claiming that I would mail in the 10 inches they require over @ Locks of Love when it got long enough. I cut off the 10 inches and still have hair below the shoulders...I think it was getting a tad too long to manage, so it was time. Unfortunately, I didn't give Mr clear step by step directions on how to cut my hair, and I've been doing my best to hide it with styling or keeping it up. He did his best though, and at least he manged the 10 inches. I'll get round to a real hairdresser eventually, just not any time soon.
I've taken to employing the lock on my bedroom door to get some peace and quiet, and time to myself so that I can read, think, or just relax. Despite the fact that there is no insulation between floors or walls, and knowing everything else that's going on while I do this, it' still works. I find that amazing.
Hopefully as the weather warms I'll be able to build myself something of a sanctuary outside on my back deck or something.
I'll hope, I guess.

To Gramma's We Will Go

At my gramma's visiting this weekend.
I love coming here...I hink I alays have. It gives one reason to relax in the healthy way. Mr headed up the hill with relatives so he could go and do some manual labour with the guys, and work some energy off.
I'll be getting the kids into the bathtub (yay! How we miss baths) and then out to work in the garden and organizing that seems never ending.
We had a bonfire lastnight with hot dogs & marshmallows before the boys passed out from exhaustion.
Am working on updating Gramma's computer and finishing my morning coffee to get motivated. Got lots to do, lots to do, and today feels like a day that will take forever, giving me ample time to get the things done that I want. Later this evening we'll be heading to the local Hall accross the street to go to a family dance. Hopefully it won't be as disasterous as the last.
Here's to relaxing...

Updating

Well, after a terrifically stressed out weekend, I'm and finally at the hump day of this week.

I spent a number of hours this weekend beating myself up (as I tend to do) over something that had happened with a client at work. While I've been thinking it over and over, I've finally come to the conclusion (just like everyone else) that I was just doing my job, and though my part may not have been that pretty, it happened, and nothing will change it. The only thing I can do is move forward and make sure my clients know why I'm there, and what our job is together. I'll get there eventually. I just really am wishing right now that I had more training, but lord only knows when that's going to happen.

SO I've been working on my budget, as we're currently operating on just my income (without even a Child Tax Benefit, which would be oh so helpful right now), and it's been a challenge. Of course we're making do. I decided to ask for two days at our licensed daycare at our office, to utilize my ECE assistant certification. I was shocked when I found that after doing the math, those two extra days a week would bring me in about an extra $700 per month! That makes me feel wonderful...I'm finally getting paid a very close proximity of what I deserve. Nothing like Validation...moving on.

I've been working steadily on completing all of the paperwork I've been putting off for so many months. I've finally submitted D's Immigration documentation to get him registered for the Medical Services Plan of BC, and have completed filing all of my taxes, including the ones from the back two years that they required of me. I've made copies of Mr's that I have on hand to submit, but still need to order a copy from the IRS, but once it's submitted, then I should be able to collect fully my Child Tax Benefit. If I can do that I should be able to knock down my hours if I want...provided Mr gets into his own line of work.

We've attended a number of committee and council meetings here in town, at a great amount of suffering to us all, and are currently in discussion of which ones we'd like most to invest our time in. There are a number of needs we've seen in the community that just aren't being met, either because of lack of vision and ability, or just because there's a lack of support to the programs that are already out there.

The plans are in the works for us to pilot a couple of programs, as they are foremost in our minds as lacking. It should make for a terrific learning experience.

I am currently looking into what it will take to finish off my ECE education, and am sincerely hoping that there will be a college that can provide it online, as it's just too far to drive to Kamloops (1hr south) to do any classes of any sort at the point in time.

We are also considering moving directly into town, as more strategic family development, as opposed to buying a second family vehicle. Should be fun, though, this of course means that I will not be able to plant myself a garden. *sigh* Planters, here I come...let's hope I can grow more than I did last time.

H woke up early this am with a horrendous bleeding nose that totally freaked me out. He stayed home w/Mr today to rest up.

D has finally gotten a batting helmet, thanks to my mom who brought it up with her this past weekend. There was a warning of a case of head lice in his school recently, which was why we haven't been letting him borrow anyone else's to have a turn at bat. He's doing fantastically in softball, and it a true athlete at heart. He has an amazing amount of accuracy for a boy his age, and his physical strength alone is what makes him a true asset to any team.
We're looking into enrolling him in the soccer program. I am really impressed at just how affordable all of the programs for him are, in comparison to Kelowna. The softball fee was $35, and the soccer fee is $35 but it covers both summer & fall seasons.
We have internet at home now, though it be as slow as molasses going uphill in January, at least it works, and I can now blog from home if I choose.

I miss the blog world, and had a good laugh reading some of my favs lastnight. Just what I needed.

Anyhow, I need to hop off and finish my day of work.

150%

I've thought, and pondered, and ached and poured. I am at the conclusion that I am just giving too much. Any mortal person only has so much to give, right? For all the shortcomings I see, I work harder and harder to fill them and prevent anyone noticing just how much is lacking.
There's a number of horrid ideas running around in my mind, but to be the person I am, I cannot write any of them.
As such, I am tormenting myself, as I really have no safe haven to express such thoughts. So, here I sit, blogging about it all.
I can say, though that while work is going well, it's going to be a difficult day tomorrow. Do you recall me saying that I was worried about a fall from grace? I believe that slippery slope has begun. I only hope we don't fall too far, as to take longer to recover.
I am now working at the Daycare for my office, making good use of the recent post education certification I received. It's good money, and though I'm not yet classified as "full time" (I'm actually 2 hours short), I could consider my work in feeling as full time, because each day I'm in town utterly exhausts me.
Learning how to make things work to accommodate this is proving to be a challenge, but the small steps we've been taking have proven to be the dose of medicine we need.
I'm worn out, and mentally exhausted from my form of self torture. I'm working towards a more healthy way to express my stress and frustration over our situations, though they too, are coming in baby steps.
I'm looking forward to my return to blog land, as this was a main source of comfort when I needed it most...modem, don't fail me now!