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Monday, May 03, 2010

150%

I've thought, and pondered, and ached and poured. I am at the conclusion that I am just giving too much. Any mortal person only has so much to give, right? For all the shortcomings I see, I work harder and harder to fill them and prevent anyone noticing just how much is lacking.
There's a number of horrid ideas running around in my mind, but to be the person I am, I cannot write any of them.
As such, I am tormenting myself, as I really have no safe haven to express such thoughts. So, here I sit, blogging about it all.
I can say, though that while work is going well, it's going to be a difficult day tomorrow. Do you recall me saying that I was worried about a fall from grace? I believe that slippery slope has begun. I only hope we don't fall too far, as to take longer to recover.
I am now working at the Daycare for my office, making good use of the recent post education certification I received. It's good money, and though I'm not yet classified as "full time" (I'm actually 2 hours short), I could consider my work in feeling as full time, because each day I'm in town utterly exhausts me.
Learning how to make things work to accommodate this is proving to be a challenge, but the small steps we've been taking have proven to be the dose of medicine we need.
I'm worn out, and mentally exhausted from my form of self torture. I'm working towards a more healthy way to express my stress and frustration over our situations, though they too, are coming in baby steps.
I'm looking forward to my return to blog land, as this was a main source of comfort when I needed it most...modem, don't fail me now!

1 thoughtful remarks:

Carina the Blogarina said...

Sad to hear that. I hope you come back soon! Until then, try and take care of yourself, take a breather and try to "shut off" your brain once in a while. Thinking to much an be a very bad thing, I know..