Well well...got my hands on some ibuprofen lastnight, and I feel much better today.
Got the kids to sleep round 9:30 lastnight, which was good...but they both got up at the crack of dawn this mornin. *sigh*
Anyhow, today's high is sposed to be 23, which is pretty darned decent (didn't hardly sweat at all while I was out yesterday in the sun) and even a bit chilly sometimes.
So today's high is sposed to be the same again, nd I was planning on going thrift shopping with the boys. Yes, I like exploring, but I kinda need an excuse to go wandering with two kids.
I looked up a few stores and am confident I know how to get there, so we'll see how it goes.
Gave the boys a bath this morning, and still hafta shower myself. Lastnight I shaved after the boys went to sleep, and did all my wonderful bathroom stuff. Conked out around 11:30.
I like these days of things to do without rushing. :o)
Kathie popped by lastnight and was kind enough to lend me her spare keys for Pokie's place so I don't hafta be back by and certain time. She's looking well, and I spose I'm imposing on their sister time, but they were kind enough to go for their walk while I was putting the boys to sleep, so hopefully they had enough time together.
Anyhow, go get moving, right?

Holy Toledo...
Walking walking walking. I wish I could live here, then I wouldn't have a pancake butt.
All the walking we've been doing, it feels good when I'm doing it (even though it makes me out of breath) but the next day, my hips hurt lots and lots.
It really really wears both kids out too.
Hunter passed out today in his stroller as we hopped onto the bus to go to Steven's.
I'm proud to say that I survived day one on my own in the big city with both the kids without sustaining major injury or total meltdown.
Though there some moments when they were both acting up, we got over them and things went, for the most part, smoothly.
Yesterday Darius conked out at 6:30. Did I post that already?
Today, it took a bit more convincing to get them both to sleep tonight, but they did go to sleep within 20 minutes of each other.
Now, they're out and I'm hoping I can shave before I go to sleep.
Went out to Surrey today, and spent the day with gramma and Steven. We went to Guildford mall (of course), had lunch, and did some shopping in the Everything for a Dollar store. Then went too Wal Mart in search of baby Hunter shoes (and found two pair for a grand total of 8 dollars!
Darius played in their little play area, and such while we shopped and afterwards we went back to Steven's and watched the beginning of The Incredibles (which D was really into in his tired zoning state). Then I got the idea to head to the grocery store, and Steven had the idea to run D at the park while I was at the store. So...when I picked him up he said he had a tummy ache. They had had a tire swing and he was going round and apparently it made him not feel so well, so we ended up having to go back to Steven's for him to go potty before we could head out on the bus back to Pokie's.
We had to be back by 6:30 cause we had her keys. So, we head back out (full stroller and all) and catch the bus, which, of course, was the kind that wasn't handicap accessable (with the stairs) and I had to toss the stroller up (with a kind strangers help) and park us quick on the first seats. We all unloaded quite nicely at the Skytrain station and had a smooth ride thereafter.
We arrived back home, and then I cooked us some dinner.
Candice arrived soon after, and then Kathie who then left to grab some dinner together, and while they were gone Steven arrived.
So, I fed the kids, and the ladies arrived back and then they all decided to go for a walk so I could get both boys to sleep.
I always surprise myself when I see how well I do with the boys.

Over With

So, we hit the road yesterday morning at about 9:30 and didn't arrive in D'arcy until 2:30. There was tons of construction for the Olympics, and traffic was all congested.
So, after spending the morning in the car, we got there and unloaded. Daddy was nice and ran Darius all over the place, letting essentially be a kid. He got dirty, and a scrape or two, but he had fun. They went exploring on the old property and ran around the Hall we were at.
We enjoyed visiting with strangers, and people we hadn't seen in a long time, and I enjoyed helping them get the food ready.
I sliced the veggies mom and Gramma had brought with them, and helped get all the platters out and serving utensils and such.
Was fun, had really good food, and had an over-all very very pleasant time.
We had a semi-long drive back, but it was ok. After the boys went to sleep all was good.
We didn't go to sleep until after midnight (I think it was actually after 1, but who's counting) and once again the boys woke us up early. Who needs an alarm clock with kids?
Anyhow, it's been very nice so far, but am slightly doubting the wisdom of staying here for an entire week. Low funds, and lack of proper child stuff (I didn't bring many toys or such) has me thinking twice. We'll see.
After a super hot drive down here, it's been very nice these last two days, with pleasantly cool weather that isn't stifling.
I like how apartments never seem to run out of hot water.

Random Thought for the Day

It never ceases to amaze me how I have such random thoughts that seem to appear from out of no where.
When i first found out what was going on, she told me she didn't want to tell me because she thought I would kill myself.
When she said this...this is what ran through my mind:
You are my friend, and I would die for you...he is my husband, and I would die for him. Never in any lifetime would I consider either of you worthy enough to kill myself over. There are two people on this earth who are worth that much, and they are my reason for living.

the house is so lonely without Darius in it, and he's only in Day Camp.

Been pretty busy of late.
Monday I can't even remember what I did...I don't think I did much of anything.
yesterday I took the boys over to Baby Group, and after they both had a nap, I cleaned out my car in preparation for this weekend.
After they went to sleep I cleaned the house...did the dishes, put the toys away, packed D's bag and lunch for today, did a load of laundry, cleaned off the table for cutting.
Today I dropped D off for the Sports Day Camp at the gym, and went to the Health & Wellness Center to can some Cherries. Was the first one there (as usual) and met another mom who has a two month old little girl who's tinier than H was when he was born.
Got to learn the steps, but am still not an expert or anything, I think that's gonna come with time tho. We're sposed to can Peaches, Apricots, and Tomatoes this year too, I hope I have enough jars.
Anyhow, brought H home halfway through cause mom stayed home from work today and I let her get him down for a nap (cause I had tried while I was there and he refused...too much to look at) while I finished canning.
I was there from 10am until 2:30 this afternoon.
Tommorow I'm planning on dropping D off at Day Camp again, then I'm gonna go to Baby Group with Hunter, and do my packing, and see if I can get some sewing done.
The birthday party on Sunday went well, I can't member if i blogged about it or not.
Anyhow, I ended up taking a tired Darius to Xavier's 4th Birthday party. They had a 3ft pool out back with cold water in it, and a slip n' slide set up...even though it was sprinkling a bit (no thunder) the kids were all outside in their swimsuits getting wet and having fun. Poor Xavier's mom was having a hairy canary about the weather (I would be too) and the kids being cold. So, after about an hour of them running round, they were complaining about being cold, she was at a loss. So I suggested Hot Chocolate, which they all loved. After the kids all warmed up, it was food and gift time. Xavier wasn't even interested in the gifts cause he was real tired & whiney. He really wasn't interested in having other kids poking at his new toys and sharing.
When he opened the box of about 15 items (costumes) he pulled out the first thing and lost interest, but the other kids pounced on it, and within minutes each child was wearing something from the box.
The rest of the party was good, without incident (which is amazing for 13 kids - only 4 parents).
We got home, had a bite to eat and got D off to bed.
It's been pretty rough go of it for bedtime lately where D is concerned...am gonna hafta figure out a new method. It frustrates me how everything has to change, when it was going really well.
Anyhow, two other mother's at the party wanted me to make them costume boxes for their boys as well, so we'll see whether or not that pans out.
I'm planning on getting a hold of UBCO to see what I can do further my education in the arts. Can't figure out what would be best, to go through the Band Office or through the UBCO itself. We shall see. I'm really wanting to take something in photography and something regarding business. We'll see, I don't know how this stuff works, and it seems pretty overwhelming at the moment.
Hunter is walking...yay!

Forgot to mention that we went to Wal Mart yesterday and bought the new Harry Potter. now I need to get my hands back on the Half Blood Prince, and re-read it before I get into the new one. But we do have our own copy now, mom and I split on it.
I can't wait to read it.

HOly God I'm Tired.
We all packed into the van lastnight and went to the Drive in to see Fantastic Four and Die Hard.
Darius stayed awake for both...Chance, mom and Hunter slept through Die Hard (mostly) and I snoozed from Winfield to the bridge.
I couldn't sleep when we got back, my back hurt too much.
We were one of the last three cars to get in, and we ended up in the back row, AND we arrived when they were playing pre-views and such. So, we missed the first chunk of movie, but we could still hear it on the radio. So, since it was cramped and warm in the van I took D, and a few blankets and pillows out and put them on a patch of yucky weedy grass and watched the movie there. There were enough people with their radios blasting that we heard it just fine, and we snuggled under the stars under our blankets. It was great.
Then D went to the van, and Hunter came out with me for Die Hard. About 15 minutes into the movie I was lying down nursing him, and I noticed a huge frickin spider crawling up my leg, and had to wait until it was on my hip before I could bat it away. So, that ruined my comfort zone I had going on.
So, back to the van i went, and he was asleep enough fo r me to put him in his seat, and then Darius crawled up on my lap and watched the movie with me. Chance was nice and grabbed the blankets and shook them before bringing them back to the van for me.
I really enjoyed Die Hard (surprisingly, cause I'm not really an action person), and was very impressed by the stunts. My favorite scene was when he drove the car into the helicopter.
So, anyhow, we got back about 2:30. I couldn't sleep cause my back was cramping really bad, and didn't fall asleep until about 6am. Here it was 9:30 when i got up, and D is still down (thank goodness) and he's got Xavier's Birthday Party to go to today. I've been sewing costumes for it again, and thankfully I had a bunch already started from a while ago, so I just finished those and tossed them in, the only thing I'm really making from scratch is a personalized super cape with an "X" and boot covers, in green (his fav colour). I had asked Chance to take him a couple of days ago, cause I know I won't have enough energy to take both boys.
So, hopefully he gets enough sleep, and has fun. We shall see.
I'd like to go to take pictures, but I know we won't have enough in us to do both kids at a wild party...so we'll see what we can figure out.
Anyhow, I need to finish what I was making, and get on with the day.
Hunter really likes his berries, raspberries and blueberries...but blueberries mainly. They even come out the other end smelling the same! Yes, I know you really wanted to read that. :oD
Anyhow, I'm off...have a good day!

Salvation

Gramma and I were discussing how amazing it is when we just sit back to let everything fall into place. Gramma found a ride to the Coast with a Witness friend of hers, which is wonderful. She'll be bunking in with Bill & Lorraine, and we'll be driving down to the Coast on Friday as well, meeting up with her at Merrit (to hopefully toss mom into her car too so she's more comfortable and such). We'll all go to D'Arcy as a day trip (as opposed to camping) and driving back to the coast that night. That way we don't need a test pack to figure out if a cooler and tents/bedding will fit. We'll really only hafta worry bout bedding such things.
So, that way they can drop the kids and I off there, and I don't hafta worry bout driving down there by myself with the kids. Then I'll catch a Bus back home with them after the fireworks, and all will be well :o).
Also, this mornin (like 2:30...LOL) I checked my bank account for my Child Tax Credit (been working on my budget) and was shocked (extra so at 2:30AM) to find that I had an extra deposit from them for $557!! Yay! (no idea why yet, am waiting for a notice in the mail that says so)
So, I've got no financial hang-ups for the upcoming trips.
This mornin was sposed to go and do some canning at the Wellness Center with the Baby Group PPL, and when I got there I found out they had cancelled it. At first I was peeved, but then I was relieved because I was free to do my errands, and not have a full day cause I'm going out for Coffee with Hekter tonight.
So, I paid my insurance, Storage, got groceries, & my tobbacco (always lasts me a month and a half). I'm happy, everything is paid, and I really don't have anything else to worry about for the next bit until the next loan payment comes out of my bank account.
I'm amazed at how well provided for I am...not to mention grateful, I know there's somebody up there watching out for me.
I was feeling a touch guilty for putting everything off, but I guess there was a reason why.
:o)
I'm a happy...but tired, camper!

Took the boys out in the rain this morning, since it wasn't storming. Took some great pictures (pictures of children playing is always fun) and posted em to Flickr.
Dunno what else I'm gonna get up to today...tommorow I'm canning down at the Wellness Center along with the people from Baby Group, which'll be nice.
Saturday I'm hoping it'll clear up to do the test pack, and Sunday D gets to go to Xavier's Birthday party!
Yay! I still hafta figure out what I'm making him for a gift...arrgh.

Been brainstorming (no pun intended with the weather) today and lastnight trying to figure out what to do with Gramma and us.
I figure we'll do a test pack this weekend on my car to see just what we can cram in there. I also figure that I'm going to fold the tents down flat (instead of rolling them to save room ( though i don't know if it'll work) and mebbe figure out exactly what I'll need as far as clothes, baby stuff, and mebbe a cooler if it'll fit.
As far as getting gramma there...well, we can send her to Bill's, who'll make a daytrip without Lorraine if we choose that option, or we can see if she can bunk with someone else and catch a ride from Kamloops. Or, we can pack her on a bus from Kamloops out as far as we can get her and basically do a drive over to pick her up, kind of thing. Thos are the options I've worked out so far. The best I can do undfortunately, considering my sizeably smaller vehicle this year. though I am grateful I have a road-worthy car that's in decent shape for the kids and I. ;o)
It's been raining on and off the whole day, and am just getting round to thinking about taking D out to splash in the puddles. Chance said he saw a lightning strike on the backside of Mt. Boo yesterday on his way home from work, so I'm a tad leery of taking them out with the thunder and lightning we've been having all day. I'd love to see what Hunter would do in one, but alas, they don't make rainboots that small and I'd need a camera.
Hunter is doing so well, taking about 7 steps now on his own and continually getting up and standing on his own. We've been making him practise walking from person to person a lot.
He also, for some reason, started falling straight backwards the other night in bed. Totally caught me off-gaurd and I've never laughed at him so hard. He just free-falls straight back, and giggles like a wildman when he lands. It's adorable.
I'm trying to see if i can figure out a way for the Kids and I to get down to the coast right after the reunion cause I really wanted to take them to the Festival of lights Grand Finale. I was contemplating taking the bus, and it actually really appeals to me because I wouldn't drive my car in Vancouver anyways (that big city traffic there spooks me), and I like the ease of the skytrain more. Though if I did that I'd hafta consider bringing along my baby carrier (like I wouldn't) or bringing another stroller in-case D gets tired (and to carry the junk I know I'd bring to the beach). I was kinda planning this since the beginning of last month or whenever it was that I found out what the schedual for it was, so I'm hoping I can keep my plans cause it'd mean a lot to me to have D & H visit Pokie's new apartment and such since she's lived there forever (2 years+) and he has yet to see it if I remember correctly.
Anyhow, I'm rambling, and I should get on with my day.
We're going to Paul & Dino's tonight for dinner which will require me to get kimmie up at 6pm, and get us all down ther asap after that. Mom has Kimmie's van and is taking it to Wal Mart to replace two tires on it (I guess they'll do vehicle repair little bits at a time as it's easier on the wallet that way) and she'll just meet us there. I already got both of the boys down for their naps, and we just got up not too long ago from them. So, we're well rested, we just need to get dressed and such.
Today I had D help me decorate a curtain I've been meaning to hang in my room since Gramma was here for the long weekend. The point is at least I'm doing it, nevemind how long it takes, cause having two kids makes doing anything for me take forever...right?
anyhow, off to face the day.

Cowering in the Shadows

It occured to me today that I should be wondering, why would I want to stay with someone who thinks so little of me? During the times where he was in fault, he told me he'd do anything for me...during this time of tribulation, he's telling me what he "truly" thinks of me.
In my idea of a marriage, you see those things that make up the true person you married, and those things are neither a positive or a negative against them. Those things that make them so vulnerable are never supposed to be used against them, to cause doubt or any negative feelings that are possible. Only because the person who you married is supposed to be the person who shields you, and bolsters you against the winds, and who tells you those things don't matter, that you are better than that. That person is accepting of them, and loves you just the same.
In a fair world, this is what is supposed to happen.
This is an unfair fight, and more and more I'm seeing our pitfalls, the shortcomings of what we thought we could make a marriage are no longer acceptable, or even bearable.
This is no longer the marriage I had, this is some warped distortion of reality that is so repulsive that I don't even want to consider what is past the hand that's covering my eyes.

So, what goes on between myself and my husband is supposed to be private right? But what am I supposed to do about me?
I missed my last two counselling appointments, and this week's will probably be cancelled again because Chance is supposedly starting work with Art tommorow, and mom's on a payroll week and I don't have money to put the kids into daycare for any length of time.
This last bit has been so frustrating, shifting scheduals, no scheduals, and really cranky kids.
I'm truly hoping I can get us back on track, both finacially and with the kids.
I hope I can figure a way to get to my appointments, or I'm gonna hafta resort to friends, instead of a counsellor.
I can see the person I amnow, and I just don't like who is there. I'm this tired woman who doesn't want to do anything but sleep, and who doesn't have the motivation to get things done like I used to. It's not the way that I am, and I know that. I know that I've put weight back on, both from eating and inactivity.
I'm not the best parent that I can be right now, and I'm just not happy about that. I hope I can get my ass in gear and ignore the bad to survive once again.
Life always goes on, and that's a comfort to me, that is the driving force behind me, and it's up to me to make it the best I can and I've been lazy.
I so badly want to do some sewing, and organizing what's out right now, but I just haven't got the few spare minutes, the spare minutes I have I've been wasting.
I'm stressed abou the reunion and about our finances, cause my budget figuring hasn't been a happy one, and I'm screwing the pooch from every angle.
I need to catch up on all my bills that I put off because Chance wasn't working, and I need to get my sorry ass a job. Then I need to enroll D into Kindergarten cause I want to get him into Sensisyuesten it's gonna cost me like, 250 per month.
I'm old enough to take care of my own resposnsibilities, and I know I'll make it work, but this is seriously toxic.

This weekend has been so hot outside! It's yucky, and even humid a bit!
Anyhow...I've really been thinking lately that I'd like to take a course on photography, and get a camera with a quicker shutter.
I've been slacking on my home duties lately, hardly cleaning, not folding the laundry, or nothin. Hopefully this week we can work back to normal with scheduals for the boys and I.
Am spending this morning uploading picture to Flickr from our Golden Trip...am thinkin it's gonna take at least a couple of hours to get through, so hopefully I'll get em all up the way I want.
This is such an odd time in life right now, where things aren't clear, but the walls are. Hmm...

Oh My...
We had a super quick storm here today, without rain but it sure was violent. It was super duper windy and I thought I heard something coming down on the roof, but I could just be paranoid.
I had the day here alone with Hunter, Chance took Darius out for a while...apparently he dragged Duncan along with him to.
I've been really recovering these last two days from these past two weeks...sleeping a lot, and not even getting out of my pj's.
It's damn near close to depression, but I'm trying to keep my head up each day, and remind myself to be happy and healthy, and it's working to a degree.
I cannot say just how emotionally toxic this has been for me, and how frustrated that I am that my councellor had been sick on my appointment time. Arrgh. Though I've tried to set clear boundaries for myself, it's rather difficult to keep a clear view of things sometimes.
We gave Hunter a haircut lastnight, and he looks so handsome...I'm really impressed that I was able to do such a good job :o)
I wonder what we're gonna get up to this weekend...hmm. I know I got's laundry to do, and probably some cleaning...like the bathroom and floors, vacuuming and such. lalala
Gotta figure out how to get gramma to the family reunion, seeing as my car is the only roadtrip-worthy vehicle of our bunch, we're gonna cramped for room as it is.
Well, we shall see what we can figure out, but one way or another we'll get us all there, it means a lot to us, so where there is a will, there's a way.

Squeaked enough out to go see Harry Potter lastnight on opening night. Sent Chance up an hour and 15 minutes early, and then we finished getting ready and joined him.
Mom, Me, Darius, Hunter, and Chance went. We took turns with Hunter standing at the back of the theater. We sat in the second to last row on the side, which was actually quite nice, and we even managed to sit together. Mom was able to get Hunter to sleep at one point in the movie, and then he slept on her until the end.
Was a good movie. They didn't stay true to the book and left stuff unexplained (though they did make sense in the storyline without explaination) but they still managed a real exciting story.
I'm tired again today...both yesterday and today I selpt in real late. I've been meaning to do laundry, and I kill any opportunity to do that by sleeping in. Damn.
It's gonna be real hot the next couple of days, and we're sposed to hit the beach.
I read a story in the paper about a little boy stepping on a needle down here at Pritchard Beach, so am hoping to score the boys some water shoes today at Zellers. No idea if they even have any though, so we'll see.
I need a shower.

Total Exhaustion has now sunken in.
Tired tired tired, so very very tired.
We went to Golden for the weekend, to visit with Uncle Ken and Aunt Liz.
We 4x4-ed, we sat round, and all was interesting. We went up Mount 7 like Chance wanted, we went up the Gondola at kicking Horse like Chance wanted, and we went sight-seeing like Chance wanted. Then on the way home, we stopped at the Enchanted Forest, and Crazy Creek Waterfalls (and a few points of interest along Roger's Pass too of course)
Overall, we took over 300 pictures in a three-day time period. A lot of video too.
I was trying to experiment with my photography skills and the amount of space I took up with my "scenery" shots kind of annoyed Chance a bit, but I did manage to delete most of the ones that didn't turn out and whittled it down to just the ones I really liked so it didn't take up as much room.
I'm so very very tired.
I was happy to get back to my own bed, with no mosquitos, and no mice, and no other strange bugs to intrude on my space and sanctuary.
I need to do laundry now, and would've lastnight, but I was completely drained when I got home and just couldn't muster it up to do it.
I want my life back now please.

Oh My God...how frustrating
I'm looking for a TV gaurd here in Kelownaand no one even knows what I'm talking about.
I've found one online...but that's it.
It's frustrating that they've never even heard of one.

Well, here I am once again...barely any time to blog.
We've been very busy, seems like the days drag on forever cause there's just so much to do.
Visiting, beach-going, picture-taking. A Billion and one activities to do.
I feel like I've been run off my feet, trying to integrate Chance into our daily activities. The poor guy has been away so long he doesn't know how we function, and though I don't mind teaching him what needs to be done, I find it very tiring.
I seriously feel like I've been put through the wringer...sore muscles, aches and pains.
We went to the beach, did some shopping, rented a couple of video games for D.
The air conditioner is working in my car now. Chance took my car into a place and got a transmission fluid change, and oil change, a new air filter, new wiper blades, and an A/C recharge. Though it takes a bit to get going, and you need to put it on full blast to feel it, at least it works.
I mailed out gramma's glasses on Tuesday, she forgot them in my car.
I need caffine...
I can't think of everything to blog about right now, I'm mentally exhausted.

So typical

We had the BBQ for Hunter's birthday yesterday, and of course no one who was invited came. So typical. Ali wasn't even going to phone me to let me know, and I wouldn'tve known had I not phoned her to ask her what kind of salad she was bringing.
Apparently Austin, was sick and she had been visiting him and she didn't want to pass his germs on to me & Hunter.
I was initially upset, but then I got over it chalking it up to lame ass family members who have no sense of morale.
Besides, I had all the people who really mattered to me here already.
I was however, miffed that Ali kept saying, "You really should make more of an effort to visit me", even though she mentioned being in Kelowna a day or two agao, and I hadn't recieved a phone call from her at all. She comes in to Westbank all the time to babysit Austin, and I never get a call from her.
Fuck you, is what Ihave to say to that.
Anyhow, we had a wonderful spread of food lastnight...burgers, potato salad, veggie and fruit platters. Lots of pop, and juice, and doughnuts, and junk food. I swear I was going to pop cause I was so full and bloated.
Bart made it over lastnight, and we all played some Wii. I had fun cause we played Mario Party on it, which is an entertaining game in itself, but even more so when you have three other ppl playing with you all trying to destroy you. :o)
Got up at 6:30 this mornin and made coffee, checked my tire pressure and dyed Gramma's hair. Then I made some pancakes and cooked sausages (thank goodness for Foreman).
I chatted with Uncle Robert lastnight for a while, with gramma reading over my shoulder and mentioning things to say and ask. Was nice to catch up a bit.
Hunter's persistent today, as usual.
I'm sposed to drive gramma home today, and Pokie and Steve are sposed to come with me. Interesting. Let's see how many indians we can cram into amber's little itty bitty car without air conditioning.
I hung a picture on my wall with the intention of hanging a curtain in front of it to make it look like a window, but I hung the picture off center (above my bed) cause poor hunter was rushing me. Arrgh. Now I dunno if I wanna take it down and re-center it or not...cause I used a nail that'll leave a big hole. Grr
I wonder how long today is gonna feel...hmm.
Off to face the day.