Ya know...I remember nesting from my frist pregnancy...but this is a whole different thing.
I've got lists of things I'm gonna need for the new baby, am making plans for the baby food, clothes, furniture...
I've gone through most everything that I have to go through round the house that I can sort on my own...D clothes, the stuff that was in the truck, all our boxes and such...sorting and discarding and re-organizing.
I made up an emergency kit to toss into mom's car cause I'm tired of being out and not having anything.
Out of all the chaos going on right now, I can only hope to control what I have on hand, because I don't have any control over what will happen to us in the near future.
We won't be able to move out, we won't be able to get a vehicle for a while, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to get everything that I want to have for the baby in the quality that I want it. I know damned well that I am not going to make another month with Sylvia. Period.
I want to take a trip to visit Pokie at the end of February to give myself an opportunity to unwind, and let off a bit of steam in a healthy manner.
God help me, if I have my way, this'll be the last paycheque I ever recieve from Sylvia.
God help me again...I'm gonna be up shit creek if this IS the last cheque I recieve from Sylvia cause that means I need another job lined up.
This is where I ask, why me? Why not Chance? Because he feels like he doesn't know how to do it. He communicated his feelings to me, and even though I tried my best to explain that the longer he puts it off, the worse things are going to get, he just doesn't seem to understand the dire need for him to have a job before I quit working completely if we are to ever be able to get a vehicle.
So help me, his hopelessness makes me feel so frustrated because when I try to explain that life is gonna go on whether he wants it to or not, that he has to get up the next morning, he just says...what about all those times YOU were hopeless. All I could say was "I'm still here aren't i?"
I'm banging my head against a brick wall here, and it's pissing me off more than it's giving me a headache.
Goddamnit, after working for 2 1/2 years for this fucking family, I'd like to be able to relax and actually enjoy being pregnant...not resent the fact that I have to bring another life into the fucked up world that we call our life.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Ya know...I remember nesting from my frist pregnancy...but this is a whole different thing.
at 4:09 PM
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Was funny...Chance was reading the news online today, and whilst I'm cleaning the kitchen...he comes wandering to tell me a bit of the tragedies he's been reading.
He starts to tell me this story about some place in Europe that was having a convention, and the roof collapsed in on them because it had over 7 feet of snow on it.
After giving me the details of how many people were trapped and so on, he mentions it happened to be a Carrier Pidgeon convention...and not only that, but he says "It's something Bert would've liked"
I looked at him...and asked who?
he says "Bert...you know, from Bert and Ernie?"
My husband, without even thinking of it, made a reference to Sesame Street...and not only that, he went on to say..."You know, he likes pidgeons and he has that paper clip collection."
at 4:22 PM
Fireworks were amazing lastnight. I'm impressed. In comparason to last year's Snowfest Fireworks, these actually gave us a 20 minute show with a decent view from the lakeside. Was loads of fun.
I was rather disappointed that the Parade of Lights really were'nt lit up all that well, and they didn't even hand out candy or pamphlets. I actually went out of my way this year to bring D a backpack to carry his treats in...and he didn't even need it.
I'm also proud that Chance dressed himself appropriatly all on his own, without any urging from me. Yes, that means he put long johns on. :oD
Improvement is always a sign of hope folks...and I'll take what I can get.
So, today's events include an Armwrestling contest, and the infamous Polar Bear Dip...and this time we won't be able to get out of bearing witness. And yes, the camera will be coming with.
Should be interesting I hope.
at 10:21 AM
Friday, January 27, 2006
Kinda cute...Darius just got the concept of Snowfest...he gets to go to a night-time parade, and he gets to go see the fireworks after at the park.
He's very excited now...he wasn't before...that's why I like not telling him anything about what we're doing until we're either doing it, or just before.
Chance made us pancakes for dinner, and I'm enjoying my second breakfast of the day. :o)
Had to take a nap with D today to make sure he was gonna be rested for this eve...honest.
Had an ok morning I suppose...didn't do anything overly-incredible. Mostly stuck to the computer this morning as I was doing research on how to get D to feed himself, updating my prenancy book, and doing up my resume and the like. Most of my accomplishments meant that I spent my morning on the computer.
Oh well...here's to the parade, and the fireworks...and our first year sharing it together as a family. Last year I took D by myself...stupid thing to do...walk with a child by yourself through downtown Kelowna at night...
at 6:06 PM
Thursday, January 26, 2006
It's actually getting kind of fun to be able to poke the belly, and have it poke back...my new entertainment for th evenings after I get home from work.
Yesterday almost passed out at work...came with the worst hot flash and bag of jitters I canremember since being stung in the ass last summer.
In any event...I'm lookin for another job that won't be so strenuous. I'm getting kinda tired of working in the over-heated environment at Sylvia's house.
This baby...I can tell now, it's gonna give D a run for his money when it gets big enough to start trucking around...
The baby sleeps when I sleep and it moves where I move. It also has a sense of humor. It's found my bladder, and doesn't seem to like it if it have even a quarter cup of liquid in it, and thinks it's funny to give it a boot to remind me it's there...sending me running to the bathroom.
It has a movement pattern...kick, hit, twirl...and the finale, let's bungee!
The bungee generally takes my breath away and stops me in my tracks if i happen to be moving.
Dangerous...this baby is gonna run us all exhausted...
at 9:29 AM
Sunday, January 22, 2006
I tell ya...last night it occurred to me that other ppl may be able to feel the baby squirm when it did. Of course, once we concentrated, you could feel the baby if you pressed in the right place.
Well, once I noticed it for sure, I couldn't stop noticing it. I've been feeling it move and squirm for ages, but it hasn't been til recently that I've noticed it when I'm shoppng, or driving, or even walking.
So...I had a bit of trouble sleeping lastnight because of all the squirming baby was doing, it's already keeping me awake. Felt like I couldn't breathe cause it was squirming so much.
Can't wait until I can see it moving.
at 10:50 AM
Saturday, January 21, 2006
D was very chatty this morning, and in a good mood, so I had Candice call him, and he's now been talking to her for at least ten minutes...too cute
I even had to go to the bathroom and he came with me, and sat on the edge of the tub whilst I brushed my teeth and such. was too cute!
at 9:44 AM
Friday, January 20, 2006
Why oh why...
Yes, I can understand that my husband is trying to deal with our most recent loss in his own way, but I'm really starting to get fed up. Fuck.
I wish in some miracle of god, he oculd understand my wish to not be indebted to ANYone.
Just because we don't have a vehicle, it doesn't mean it's the end of the fucking world as we fucking know it.
That's right, get us into MORE debt, and borrow money to get a new vehicle. Let's not have patience, and learn from our mistakes, and learn the value of doing something on our own, and also learn what a gift having our own vehicle is. Let's go running to someone to borrow money instead...let's take the easy way, and let's, while we're at it, keep reminding ME how selfish I am.
Gosh, I love it when other people run my life for me, it makes everything so much easier...while I'm at the peer pressure thing, why don't I go to the most expensive doctor, because that's what "they" think is right...even though I can't afford it.
let's be completely irrational, and rely on everyone else but ourselves in our toughest time.
God knows inner-strength is SO overrated.
Fuck persistense, and fuck interference because we were doing SO GOOD together before this stupid shit.
I HATE HAVING TO FIGHT AN UPHILL BATTLE.
This is our fifth year together and I should not have to struggle so hard.
Fuck it and Fuck him.
at 6:55 PM
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Everything is all downhill from here...or so we hope.
We took the truck back today, after an eventful night of both me phoneing Ford Credit and talking to some young schmuck who had horrible customer service skills that brought me to tears, and a Repo man coming to the door whilst Chance was out with the vehicle.
Gosh...what a busy life I lead.
After arriving at Orchard Ford (Chance went on ahead of me as I needed to grab a few things along with D) I searched for Chance, and then after finally finding him, was informed that we were to wait because he asked about credit again, and apparently he had hope in a situation when there was none to be found. So, a half hour later, we were informed that there was no such luck, and that my credit would now be in the black for the next 5 years. Oh boy.
Apparently, because the last time I was in there, and lost my temper with the very short, rude and pushy financing guy, I made an impression and he was fearful of me losing my temper again and was attaempting to rush all the info through so it could be done b4 I got there and the bad news out. Ha to him...
I merely said, I didn't expect it to, but thanks anyways. I'm aware of all the consequeses of this action as well, yes.
Now, my poor husband is arguing back and forth withFord Credit on the phone over the phone call I made lastnight, and what they said at the Dealership this morning. I'd be just as happy to let my day go on without any more events...but I know it just won't be so.
Life goes on now...even if I don't have a vehicle. The bus comes about every half hour by our house...so, at least we still have access to the world. And there's always mom's car.
Guess we'll hafta work out a new schedual for how we're going to work things.
My tummy is grumbling...
at 10:23 AM
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Recieved the notice...my truck is being repossesed on the 19th. *sighs* Not a whole lot I can do, seeing as I'm paying the bills right now with the wages I'm making, I don't have 600 extra dollars just lying around to make my monthly payments on it. Tough thing this, but not much I can do about it...
Though, my beef is that Chance could have had a crud night job in the meantime...looking at my blog, he's had his work permit since November and he's just now had his first interview? Not to say that I'm blaming him for this mess, I'm just saying it wasn't a whole lot of extra help when I needed it.
Hopefully the next few months won't be as stressful as the last have been.
After going through this last year, and reflecting on it over the last couple of weeks, it's rather interesting how each choice I made brought me to this point. The truck last year that I bought, and then returned really set the mood for how the year was going to proceed. Yes, it had its ups...but it really seemed to have more downs than anything. Though from an unfortune related only to me, or bad decisions, is hard to say which would be the cause.
To list...The truck at Chrysler, the Mudbog nightmare, first the Camper being torn to shreds, and then our Lot not really being our lot and turning out to be another...Just for the majour incidents this year.
If you can tack on a price tag to each thing, it's rather hard to believe that I have any money at all.
Woe is me...
I'm in a slightly morbid mood today, only at the realization that I know that there is not one thing I can do to prevent my truck being repossesed. I just don't have the money, ability to make that money, or the possesions to pawn off to make the money that I need to. Sad to have to watch such a big part of my life exit.
Anyways...along with these thoughts and reflections, my stress level has also been on the high side. On the bright side of that, I've finally put on some weight. But on the downside, I've had nothing but headaches, literally. Tension headaches everyday, for all or at least the evening part. Sad, and I'm getting sick of eating acetamenophen, and using it in my daily supplement regime.
My appetite has come back from the nasuea that seemed to eat me alive through the first part of my pregnancy, and has been replaced with evening cravings of something cold, sweet, and crunchy.
My midwife informed me at our last visit that my placenta is growing on the back of my uterus. Could be dangerous, but I'll ask her in more detail at our next visit, seeing as I had mom do some research on it for me, and turned up less-than-promising results.
I've got a "baby book" kind of started...not to say that I've bought one, but the midwife recommended that I get a binder for my hand-outs that she was going to be giving me, and I've consequently started adding little things here and there...letters to Darius, the ultrasound picture, and little notes to myself that i thought the kids might like to read someday.
Lots to look foreward to this year...Darius will be turning 4, Chance will be 26, the baby, Rhonda's visit, the family reunion, the wedding where D plays a ringbearer and my first trip to Alberta, and then comes my birthday where it finally my turn to hit a quarter of a century, and thanksgiving and Christmas.
It's gonna be a busy year...
at 3:18 PM
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
God Help me when I have days like today...
It's gonna be a long day today, I already know that.
I got up, helped D out of the shower and got him dressed and fed for pre-school, then immediately started cleaning...vacuumed, put toys away and clothes into the rooms...tidied living room and entryway...
Am going to hafta hook up old comp to get the pictures I need off of it. Also hafta toss something together for dinner, go get mom's car, pick up Darius, go to post office, also need to get brakes at some point in time today.
No rest for the weary...
I was looking foreward to sleeping in, and dreameing of having breakfast waiting for me when I woke up...
at 9:57 AM
Monday, January 09, 2006
Oh my, I couldn'tve been been taken more off gaurd than I just was.
Darius recieved some toy fishy shapes that were in capsules, and if you put them in water, the capsules dissolve, and there you have a fishy shape. I believe Ama gave them to him.
Anyways...the other day we did a crab...and today, I managed to get a shark.
D forgot about it, and when he remembered, he went running into the living room for Nana...foam shark in hand, and doing the theme song to jaws...LMFAO
I've never heard anything so funny as a 3 year old humming the theme song to Jaws...
at 5:39 PM
Saturday, January 07, 2006
The other night my friend wanted me to take her to the store to buy a gift for one of her sons....as it wasn't a rush, I had mom come along after work, and we all headed out. After finishing with my friend and dropping her off back home, we stayed out to do more shopping. We were out for about 4 hours over-all...long time considering my energy level these days.
Our last stop was the grocery store, and the one before that was a thrift store inwhich Darius got aa big toy car.
When we were pulling out of the grocery store parking lot, I took it kinda fast...and I got heck from Dairus.
His car seat had beenmoved over to the passenger side to allow room for my friends' daughter, and consequently, when I turned the corner his toy car had hit the window because it was on his lap.
"Geeze mom, don't go so fast, I could have bumped my head and gotten boo-boos, or I could have broke my car! slow down!"
at 12:01 PM