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Monday, January 30, 2006

Organize, organize, organize

Ya know...I remember nesting from my frist pregnancy...but this is a whole different thing.
I've got lists of things I'm gonna need for the new baby, am making plans for the baby food, clothes, furniture...
I've gone through most everything that I have to go through round the house that I can sort on my own...D clothes, the stuff that was in the truck, all our boxes and such...sorting and discarding and re-organizing.
I made up an emergency kit to toss into mom's car cause I'm tired of being out and not having anything.
Out of all the chaos going on right now, I can only hope to control what I have on hand, because I don't have any control over what will happen to us in the near future.
We won't be able to move out, we won't be able to get a vehicle for a while, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to get everything that I want to have for the baby in the quality that I want it. I know damned well that I am not going to make another month with Sylvia. Period.
I want to take a trip to visit Pokie at the end of February to give myself an opportunity to unwind, and let off a bit of steam in a healthy manner.
God help me, if I have my way, this'll be the last paycheque I ever recieve from Sylvia.
God help me again...I'm gonna be up shit creek if this IS the last cheque I recieve from Sylvia cause that means I need another job lined up.
This is where I ask, why me? Why not Chance? Because he feels like he doesn't know how to do it. He communicated his feelings to me, and even though I tried my best to explain that the longer he puts it off, the worse things are going to get, he just doesn't seem to understand the dire need for him to have a job before I quit working completely if we are to ever be able to get a vehicle.
So help me, his hopelessness makes me feel so frustrated because when I try to explain that life is gonna go on whether he wants it to or not, that he has to get up the next morning, he just says...what about all those times YOU were hopeless. All I could say was "I'm still here aren't i?"
I'm banging my head against a brick wall here, and it's pissing me off more than it's giving me a headache.
Goddamnit, after working for 2 1/2 years for this fucking family, I'd like to be able to relax and actually enjoy being pregnant...not resent the fact that I have to bring another life into the fucked up world that we call our life.

1 thoughtful remarks:

ama said...

"For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it. "
Ivan Panin