This Is How My Heart Breaks

It's strange.
I had to come back to Clearwater this weekend for my youngest's 5th Birthday. It's weird being here. Just plain weird.
I was incredibly anxious before I came, and was ill for the first couple of hours, but I'm managing ok now.

My heart breaks when I watch my children, listen to them talk, and hear their delightful giggles. It shatters when they ask me when I'm coming home. It bleeds when they ask me why I can't just see a Dr here in Clearwater instead of seeing one in Kelowna.
My arms ache because they hug me, my throat beats down the sob when they tell me they love me, my eyes get blurry when they smile at me, and I can't breathe because I don't want to leave them.
Tomorrow I'll go back to Kelowna, with empty arms.
Who knows when I'll see them again...maybe next month?

From the Coffee Shop

I'm a little anxious today. I've got an appointment with a psychiarist at the hospital where I am attending a 10 day class in coping skills. While the class itself seems fairly unstructured, I'm making myself attend until the end. It's a challenge waking up and gettingg ready in the morning, given the lack of sleep, but I make it.
Today, I assume that I'll be receiving an initial diagnosis on my mental health. Judging fromt he paperwork they've handed me so far, it looks like I may wind up with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course there's a mix of depression in there, but meh.
I've got ideas floating around, and while I sit and simmer them, I'm afraid of which step to take first.
I'm also grieving. Grieving the loss of my relationship, and grieving because I'm starting all over again. All over again, on my own. I'm starting to focus on my mental health on my own. While I have various people I call for support, it doesn't compare to a significant other giving me a hug, telling me they love me, and that it will all be alright. It doesn't compare to sharing myself with someone, with understanding and compassion. I'm relying on myself to get me through this. I have to look inside to find my own motivations. It makes for lonely going. I'm not afraid of being alone, but it would make things a lot more comfortable to cope if I had someone to rely on besides people on the phone.
So, here I am, waiting for a diagnosis and to find out where I can go from there.
My little H is having his 5th Birthday this weekend. I'll be travelling back to visit for the night, then making my way back down to Kelowna. I'm afraid that I won't be able to cope with seeing all my friends and my spouse, and the kids all at once. I'm afraid someone is going to tell me all the rumors that I've been told are flying around about me. I'm afraid of saying good-bye again after a mere 24 hour visit with my kids. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.
I have to start out with nothing, and build myself into a real home, but eventually I'm going to have to move closer to them so I can share custody. I'm not going to be strong enough, or financially stable enough to do that for a while. This means I'm looking at a long time without having the kids in my care. This breaks my heart as well. My two main reasons for living are not within my care because I'm unable to care for them.
It's difficult to do daily reminders that I'm here for them, and that I need to show them what life is supposed to be like. It's difficult not to slip into self pity, and feel sorry for myself. It's difficult not to beat myself up over my many mistakes, over what led me here.
I'm grieving. Grieving the past, possible time wasted, the future that will never be. I now know that I will never celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary, or a 65th (like my step-grandparents did last weekend). I know that I may never have any more children.
I saw some people from my former parenting & family groups the other day, and it broke my heart. I felt jealous that they had what looked like happy families. They had an outpouring of support surrounding them. They had pride. I felt it unfair that they had what they did, and I was sitting there without anyone to cuddle or cheer on.
So, today I see the Doctor, and formulate a plan for how I am going to survive. Let's see what the day will bring.

Ponderings

Some days I can breathe, some days are tough to get out of bed.
It's quiet, and my mind is occupied by my mom's collection of Buffy The Vampire Slayer series on DVD.
I'm doing projects that allow me to sit on the couch, and occupy my hands.
I miss my kids.
I'm spending a lot of time in reflection. I'm spending a lot of time with myself.
It's been cloudy & rainy a lot. Kind of like how I feel inside.
I bounce back and forth between wondering if it was worth my hospitalization, and considering my future.
The system is giving me a helluva time. Trying to access the help I need is a challenge, but Im working on it.
It's hard to take care of myself. To cook, & eat, bathe, and sleep enough (or too little). Finding a balance isn`t easy.
While I wish my life was what it was, I know I can`t have the things I earned back in Clearwater. I can see the end of my job, and I can see that my life is moving on.
I watch the world continue out the window, I occasionally step out of the house when I`m dragged, and I ponder.
I ponder what I am, what I've done, what's been done to me. I wonder how I can leave my kids, then remember that I wasn`t doing them any good just being there. If I can just keep working, if I can get the help I need, maybe I'll be able to tuck them in at night again.
Maybe it's time I admit just how deeply ill I am. At some point I will need to face the truth. I hide, and I run, but in the end I'm always left alone with myself. In the end I have nothing to fear but what is within myself, ability or depravity.

Needlepooint Nintendo Controller Phone Case

I've been trying my hardest to keep busy. I'm working on all of the cool projects I have saved in my favorites file.
I saw this idea for a NintendoDS case on craftzine.com.

Instead of doing a Needlepoint DS Case, I decided to make a case for my phone.

I found all of my peoject items at a local thrift store, and the project total was $2.00

It looks ok, but I'm unsure if it's the size I want, and am considering sizing it down, or possibly making some other projects.

Music Sheet Mod Podge Jewelry Box

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Motsly magazines that I'm scavenging from the thrift store. Back issues of Chatelaine, O, any crafter mag, and any Canadian mag I can get my hands on.
After all of that reading, I decided I really wanted to try a few different projects. So, off to the thrift stores I went, and came upon my first items to try out. I bought a jewelry box for 2.99 & an old sheet music book for .99. I also grabbed a small handful of various craft brushes for .50.

I brought my stuff home, and gathered my determination to finish the main step of this project in one night. So, I set everything up on my tray (in front of the TV, lol), and set to just focusing on one step at a time so I didn't feel overwhelmed. It is my first project, after all. I started by tearing out the sheets of the music book, and tearing them into various random shapes, as I didn't feel like just gluing the sheets down as is.

I started by glues the box first, but changed my attack to gluing the back of the sheets I was using, and laying them onto the box. I did make a smaller mistake of not doing the short edged first, but I quickly fixed that. I began wrapping around the edges, and it turned out ok.
When I started the bottom edge, I made sure to do the top edges first, wrapping the paper around it, then piecing over top of it.

I took my time with this project, mainly because I was watching tv at the same time. It was relaxing and enjoyable. I'm pleased with t

he finished product, and only have one step left, now that it's dried. I need to add a coat of sealing spray. For now, it's resting on a shelf in my bedroom. I'm ok with that.

Phone Numbers & Canucks Fever!

Well, I've made it to Kelowna, and have made my base of contacts. Have my list of numbers in hand, and an idea of what I'll need to do for myself.
First off, I've contacted the local Cancer Lodge, and will be donating my hair, as it's super long and I'm ready for it to go. This will mark the second hair donation I've done, and I'm sure lots more will follow over the years.
Second, I'll be visiting the Kelowna Mental Health Centre tomorrow to do my intake and go from there with their recommendations.
Tonight I'll be watching the Canucks game, and painting my toenails, cause everyone needs a reason to smile.
I've started watching Buffy The Vampire tv series, as my mom has the complete collection on DVD. Should be fun, as I've run out of magazine's to read. I had picked up a bunch at a thrift store in Kamloops, but have worked my way through them all by now.
Things are looking ok I guess. I received a phone call from a complete stranger in Clearwater to discuss his wife, though they're separated. Was a bit freaked out that he not only knew I was here, but managed to find the landline phone number for where I'm at. Was nice to chat with him though (as most Clearwater folk are quite chatty, and easy to talk to), as I have experience with his situation, and my field of employ, I was able to address his concerns and give him the building blocks he needed to address them with his spouse. Interesting how things happen.
I'm tired, still. It's been quite an effort to not only get out of bed, but to do the daily routine of showering and getting dressed. My head seems to hurt all the time. I can't tell if that's related to muscle tension, or because of my crappy back-up glasses.
I don't yet know if I'll be applying for work here, or if I will be filing for Medical Employment Insurance. It seems overwhelming, but I recall that the first step to issues like this are always the hardest for me.
Despite my sometimes bleak outlook, life is still plodding along...

I Lost My Voice

It's Friday already, and I don't even know what I did with my week!
I've been thinking, reading, and sleeping. Not a whole lot else. I'm heading out this afternoon for another town, and tomorrow my mom will pick me up. Monday I'll be able to set services up for myself somewhere, make appointments.
I haven't been able to bring myself to actually submit my resume to anywhere. I'm afraid, and currently, my fear is holding me back.
The ceremonies for my cousin were long, but enjoyable. I lacked the ability to congratulate her though, as I was having significant trouble speaking past the huge lump in my throat. As I watched all the grad photos in the special reel they played, I couldn't help but think to myself that my cousin was by far the most beautiful grad there. I'm so glad that I call her a part of my family, not only because she's a fantastic person (and so is her mother), but because she's got a calm, self ability, and knows what she wants. I envy that right now. Otherwise I love her to pieces, and am proud that she has the ability to be so successful (I dropped out of high school before I could make it to this point). This afternoon I'm going to take some more pictures of her in her grad gown before I leave town. Hopefully today I'll be able to speak...

A Smile, A Thought

Browsing videos for these guys, this one impressed me with it's creativity.
I'll be attending my cousins graduation commencements ceremonies tonight. The second I've ever attended, and I'm really looking forward to it.

In Crisis, Let's Do It Together

What an interesting leap I've taken. I loved this little graphic, and thought I'd share it with you.
My blog has been honest, and while I've held back some items for safety/privacy reasons, this is not something I'm going to hold back.

I was checked into the hospital over the weekend. After a cry for help was answered by the fine folks at The Crisis Centre of BC, I accepted their recommendations, and went were I was best helped for the time being.

There are a number of things holding me back in my rural community that I love so much. I was unable to get any services for myself to help me out of the pit I was getting deeper into.

While there are many judgements about suicide, I have to say that it's always been there, hiding in the back of my mind. I'm a frequent depression sufferer, and have been as long as I can remember. I remember being a child and wishing I could die because it was too horrible to live when no one listens to you, believes you, and saves you from those who preyed on me.

While I attempted it once earlier in my youth, I had no idea I would be pushed so close again.

In any event, I'm here, in the care of those who love me, trying to build some sort of framework for myself to enable me to carry on.
What I want my readers to know is that this is a part of my everyday life, and if there are others out there who feel like I do, know that I'm here. Let's do it together.

Reaching out is hard to do. It leaves you vulnerable, it leaves you open to rejection and more pain, and the possibility that the people you reach for won't understand and won't listen. The important thing to do is to keep reaching, keep looking for what you need, it's there, but sometimes it's a little harder to find.

Headaches

My eyes are killing me. I broke my glasses on friday, and have been wearing my old pair ever since. I'm suffering frequent headaches, and have had to cut back the amount that I am reading. Sometimes I'm reading job sites online, or am reading a selection of books that I have on hand, or reading varioues news stoeries. I don't like cutting back how much I read, I love reading, even though I complain about it once and while. I'm gonna give an online site for glasses a try, after a visit to the Optometrist to get a prescription.

In A Perfect World

I own my own home where the rooms are themed, decorated, clean & bright. I have a large yard with swings, a sandbox & trampolline. I have a garden that is thriving & flowers that love me. I feel beautiful in my home, content. I have a small car & minivan. I have a job that I enjoy which leaves me satisfied. My children are helpful, capable, respectful, curious & independant. They smile, laugh & prosper. I have hobbies that I enjoy, quiet to pass the time & a need to explore. I am grateful for each day, the revealations that life shows me. I am full of energy & ability & I don't hold back. I stand for my beliefs, but keep my mind & heart open. I don't fear change, but accept it with grace. I value my elders & accept what they teach me. I give my love freely, expect nothing in return & get more that I know what to do with.

Depression

I just need a little companionship.
Sometimes, I find myself in need of human touch.
I have a lot of contacts on my phone, and it never fails, when I need someone, no one answers me.
I can see myself falling into the midst of a serious bout of severe depression. I can see it clearly. Like watching a movie in HD.
I can't bring myself to do my usual hobbies, I find interactions with my children exhausting, I have a hard time doing anything but lay in bed. Work is an extreme chore, despite the fact that I love my jobs. I constantly feel like crying. I honestly don't feel like eating anything at all. I shower because I have to.
I want someone to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me it'll be alright someday, and that someday isn't far away.
I want someone to hold my hand on my way to work, and encourage me.
I want someone to help me play with my children, bit by bit, and let me know it's ok that I've had enough.
I want someone to tell me to rest every now and then.
I want it to be ok that I'm depressed, and not this horrible calamity that it actually is.
I need support. I need constant support. I need someone I can call at any hour and know that I can cry through the line and still feel like I can meet their gaze the next day.
I want to feel that what I'm feeling right now isn't "psycho", or "fucking crazy", or "just being a bitch".
I want someone to understand me, to empathize with me, and to let me know that I'm ok. I don't want to be stigmatized, to feel guilty just to have feelings.
I want to be able to laugh again. I want to be able to smile, genuinely. I want to enjoy the little things, to fascinate over the wonders of the universe, and enjoy being alive.
I don't want to swim in emotional torment, to feel like I'm drowing in my own body, to despise the fact that I'm waking up each and every goddamned morning.
I don't want to hide my tears, to face a smile, to force conversation that I just don't have in me, to pretend that life is actually liveable, to pretend that everything is ok.
I've been on medication since last summer, but medication alone can't save me. I need support, I need an outlet, and I need to get my life moving again. I need love.

Playoff Fever

This is the first time in my adulthood that the Vancouver canucks have made it all the way to the Stanley Cup.

Can you guess what I'm doing tonight?

I've got goosebumps, I can feel the magic of this team, and I know Vancouver's going to win the big one this year!

Even though I don't have cable in the house, I'm grateful I have CBC Canada to rely on, as they air the game via live stream.

Oh, and BTW, this will always be MY Canucks Logo!