Wednesday, February 06, 2008


I wonder, sometimes, why I have this cruel joke being played on me. I wonder if I'll always have the choices I've made rubbed in my face like I've pissed on the floor.
It's like when you think rock bottom hits, something worse comes that what an addict feels? If this is true, what am I addicted to that's ruining my life?
We got Hunter's shots done today, and was surprised that he only needed one, and he's done until he's Kindergarten age now. He did very well...he got the shot, then he cried for about 1 minutes, then he walked out of the building all on his own.
I had us all (well, the boys and I anyways) take a nap today because we were all up kinda late, we decided to sleep on the floor in our study to avoid getting woken up in the middle of the night from the second night of storms rolling through in a row. I ended up staying up late, Darius was up past bedtime, and Hunter was groggy from his shots. He's actually still asleep right now, 3 1/2 hour nap.
Darius has ice skating tonight, and we've borrowed Ronnie's car to make it...who knows how long we'll get to borrow it for.
I got a call from the local Library and arranged an appointment for an Interview to volunteer there next week. Chance got to go and fill out his paperwork and start a training session today for his new job (not that a whole lot is needed for it).
Our truck is fried...the transmission is blown.
I'm stuck in a foreign country, with no income, and now no mode of transportation, with no control over which direction my life is going to move in next because I don't own it.
I don't want to be here, but honestly, would it be any better back home?? No, of course not, cause I was stupid enough to believe that my stuff back home would've been paid off by now, and instead I've been helping to pay the bills here when I should have just said fuck it and taken care of my stuff first. I'm so fucking stupid. Why am I so stupid?? If I went home I'd have to crawl out of the debt hole there before I could move us on. Not like I haven't done that before, but I don't want to do it again. I just want a good life, where it's peaceful for any amount of time.
I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of feeling like every move I make is shitting on me because I deserve to be a piece of shit, and they're just trying to convert me. I'm tired of rotting in a cesspool.

2 thoughtful remarks:

Anonymous said...

I think we're all due for some good things to happen for us. Pooling our resources (and we do have them) is the best that can happen right now. Unity is going to be our best ally, not division. I know how difficult it is to keep getting up after a history of feeling like and being knocked down repeatedly. It's when you don't get up that "one last time" that you'll never get up again. You're not alone in this struggle.

Anonymous said...

Ama sounds like a co-dependent trying to keep the status at 'quo'.

Balance and peace can be a complicated formula, bendigo like becham in filmed victoriaan, was an example of complexity... with compromise... freedom... happiness?

I believe it can work better than that. Honest discourse with forgiveness and respect could do it.