It's funny to put it into perspective like this, I think...
What lengths can a person go to (and will, for that matter) to find unconditional love? That soul mate that exists out there, the perfect balance...if there is such a thing.
Over the last two weeks I've rationalized a lot of things, and I've worked my way around how I work, and I've come to some pretty dismal findings.
I'll go to any lengths of work to find, or make, that unconditional love...that person who'll balance me out.
I put the other person in my relationship (children included) first, expecting that they'll put me first, and balance out the equation. That way I'd be happy, that way I'd get those things that I want because the other person wants me to be happy. Other people's happiness has always meant more to me than my own, and I've never found it too difficult to find my own happiness in others.
This whole situtation has me just reeling with my own inner workings, and some days are good, others i just feel like laying down to go to sleep and hoping I'll never wake up again. Though my kids mean too much for me to entertain that thought for too long, I never fail to see those diappointments.
I keep putting myself in others' shoes. What would it take for me to do that to the person I love, what boundaries would I feel need to be pushed that hard, what circumstances would drive me away that much to want to hurt them that much.
I keep going back to my relationship with my first husband, where our relationship ended under similar circumstances, but in that case we were both so far apart that it was really just the last straw, and that's why I did it.
All I have ever wanted out of life was for someone to put me first without having to stop and think about it, because to me, that hesitation always said "You're really not worth it". That hesitation was always there from my point of view. If you truly loved me, there shouldn't be any thought, or options to weigh, or a better choice than me.
I feel that that is what I've shown...if I don't love you, I'm not going to do your laundry, clean your home, make sure you have everything you need in the bathroom, kitchen, or in the bedroom no matter what it cost me.
My question was always, with the amount of effort I'm showing now, why should I be the one to start trying harder?? How is that fair, how does that make me a better person, why should I?!
That's been the basis of my frustration of my entire relationship. I'm not a guru of relationships, but I know what my heart tells me, and I listen to it...that's why I've always asked Is there anyone else, is there anything you need to tell me, are you holding something back??
I'm a fragile person, everyone is when they take away all the distractions, everyone is at heart. Everyone puts up barriers or some sort of system to keep themselves from being really hurt, or at the very least, showing just how hurt they really are. When you let someone into that place, you hold that very fragile hope that that person, or persons, isn't going to hurt you because you've trusted them to get this far.
If it does happen that sense of betrayel is so strong, not only towards them, but to yourself because although, they may have done the act, you let them get that far.
I will go to any lengths to make someone love me as I love them, but if they don't even want to go to those lengths to begin with, what good will it do me?
Monday, April 30, 2007
It's funny to put it into perspective like this, I think...
at 8:31 PM
Saturday, April 28, 2007
I'm amazed, and very proud of us all!
We all rolled outta bed at the same time this morning, and got our butts in gear, and collectively cleaned and sorted through most everything we needed to do this morning.
I cleaned the bathroom, sorted through everything (well minus a box) in my closet and reorganized what's in there. Chance put the dresser in the closet, and the futon & loveseat on the porch, ready to get rid of. The boxspring for the double bed was put in D's room, and are currently waiting on Duncan to grab the king bed, and the double mattress to toss into the rooms. I've gotten rid of a bunch more stuff, and have a few other items to get rid of, but we need to figure out where to drop them off at. Hmm...the Big Brothers & Sisters truck at the dump is full, and am unsure when it'll be emptied. Darn.
So, the carpet is ready to be cleaned (today at 2:30) and I still have to go through D's room and organize that.
Mom organized the living room and hallway closet, and did some stuff in the kitchen. We've all been busy bees today, and it's beautiful out, which makes things easier cause they were predicting rain again all weekend. At least they worked in our favor, hopefully we can figure out what to do with the spare furniture that we don't need tonight.
Gotta wash the windows today, as all the plastic has been removed...and though I'd like to do the window tracks, it's too time consuming with two kids. Lastnight I did my filing, which took me an hour cause I had stuff accumulated form the old place too. Joy. At least it's done and over with, and when Chance offered to take it with him, I refused cause he doesn't know what's in there, or how to organize it...LOL.
Now, I'm thinkin I gotta print off some pictures for Chance and for the house here and for my wallet. Hmmm, time flies. This month has zoomed on by with everything going on.
I'm amazed we all managed to get so much accomplished, and I'll say it again, I'm proud at just how much we've done in one morning.
I guess I should go tackle D's room since he's ot here right now, it's tougher to have to do something like that when he's heckling about what not to throw out and such...*g*
at 1:46 PM
Friday, April 27, 2007
I was in need of a brain break today, so this evening after taking a nap while putting D to bed, I hopped online and began searching for ways to send a care package to a Canadian military member overseas. I was hard put to find anything regarding it, but I finally found a site http://canadianangels.com and signed us up to have a penpal in the Canadian Military.
Am getting ready to gear up (after the Mr. leaves of course) to start some small care packages (padded envelops size) and send them out. I think that's got to be playing within me too, I haven't sent anything out (put effort into making it) in the last bit (though I got the box of school supplies to Afghanistan it was already made). I'm missing my card making and package making. I'm looking foreward to having some peace to make what I want with the kids (get really messy with painted handprints!).
I was surprised today when I got an email back from said friend, and it was actually rather nasty. Well, I'm not surprised that it was nasty, but I actually never thought she'd come out and say it. It kind of took me aback, but didn't shock me or anything. Interesting that it really didn't have an effect on me, as I thought it might have.
I'm a helluva lot stronger, and more driven than I have ever given myself credit for in the past, and these past weeks' events have shown me that. I'm grateful for the opportunity it provided.
at 9:43 PM
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Posted pix on flickr from S"pecial person" night at preschool, if I haven't stated that yet...
at 4:56 PM
Today was quite harrowing. I feel like my emotions are all over the place, like I'm up and down and everywhere all at the same time. Talk about stimulation overload.
Went and visited Ali today for a few hours, and got my money for the couch at the same time. Dropped the kids off at Daycare, and was alone for my visit, which really only occurs once in a blue moon, and is something I suspect will get even more rare.
Was relaxing, but daunting I would say.
Said goodbye to my friend again today, what a disappointment.
I'm not sure if I'm more disappointed in myself for even trusting her, because I knew better, or if I'm disappointed in her for not saying anything to me.
guess time will help.
at 4:50 PM
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
I literally feel like nothing has gone right yet today.
Dropped D off at preschool, got Hunter down for a nap, then cooked myself some perogies for breakfast. Dropped Chance off at Storage, then went to get D for his playdate at McD's with his classmate, but when I arrived, they had already left, and we missed them. That really pissed me off. I called the lady on Monday to ask about today, and she said she'd call me back to confirm, and she never did (all class members have a class list with numbers). So that really disappointed me because I knew how much it meant to Darius.
Then I went back to storage to get Chance, and then to go to Fountain Tire to pick up my car. When I spoke to them yesterday they gave me an estimate of about 200 dollars (parts only) and i just said, yeah go ahead. When he did the final calculation today, it came to 461 (with labour). So, that caused me to have to pay half on debit, come home and get the rest of the cash (Chance didn't want me to put any cash in the bank from the sale of the truck) and send him back to pay the rest & get my registration papers back.
Yesterday was just as daunting. I had to drive in to town after dropping off my car, drop off the truck, come home and fart round till it was time to drop Chance off at work. then I took Hunter to the Dr's, went to the Dollar store, dropped off the movies at Blockbuster, then went to get mom from work. After that we had to go directly back to the truck, and gets the plates off, get the money, and go cancel the insurance. Did a bit of grocery shopping there too.
Came home, went and got dinner, got D into bed, then got Chance from work.
This last bit of time is ridiculously busy.
Hafta find a time to go to Ali's to get my money dammit.
I just feel like screaming.
at 1:31 PM
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Was cute, the other day we went to Scandia. Chance met the kids and I there, and afterwards we went to Wal Mart (it's been ages since I've been there). On the drive there he took D, and I had Hunter. I had all my windows down as it was a very nice, warm day out. Hunter caught the wind in the backseat, and I kept looking back to check that it wasn't too windy. On one of these checks, he had his hands way up in the air, his head turned slightly to the side, and a huge grin on his face, with his eyes closed like he was being tickled. Just enjoying the wind...was totally precious, and I wish I could've gotten a picture of it, but that's just too dangerous to do while driving. ;o)
Hunter has figured out that he can pull things down from the table-top and such, and crawls over and reaches up to see what he can find. He also plays peek-a-boo under the table. His two fav places are under the table and in big brother's room. When he gets under the table, he stands up with the chairs, and then he ducks down to grin at you, then stands back up.
Hunter likes to play find the toys hiding under blankets and such, and loves to play peek a boo when you put a kleenex or something on his face.
Hunter has full reign of the house, and explores till his heart is content, and on occasions when he's found a place he's not allowed to be is extremely persistent.
I've discovered he can also climb stair no problemmo, as he did so at mom's office while we were visiting her today.
He's still a magpie and loves shiny objects.
Hunter hates wearing socks, and will pull them off at the first opportunity presented to him.
Hunter is very flexible and throughly enjoys bending his legs back and forth while nursing.
He's oh-so-charismatic, but still very shy when it comes to new people. if he won't go to you in the first five minutes of meeting you, chances are he won't go to you at all.
I'm very surprised that he's not afraid of the vacuum like Darius was (though I guess living with a rambuncious big brother helps). Instead he sits on the floor and follows me around when I do vacuum. He just likes to watch me do it and watch the light on the vacuum head I spose.
at 1:43 PM
Sunday, April 22, 2007
We had a decent day today. gotup a bit later than usual, the little sleep in was good, but no where's near enough. I'm so tired these days i feel like I'm never going to sleep well again.
Today I took the boys out. We went and hit Scandia first, where we played Jungle Golf (was fun getting the stroller down the stairs by myself, but it looked like rain out) and visited with Chance's friend Tyson from FIBC.
Chance joined us just intime for the last two holes. Afterwards we got some tokens and played games we headed to Wal Mart to get some diapers. Bought two new sippy cups (with handles this time) as well. Wanted to go out to eat and let D play some, but Chance insisted on coming back to the westside, and by then D was hungry and cranky, so we ended up just coming home.
They went to the park later, but D's had a rough afternoon.
I got some good pictures today, posted to Flickr.
Laundry laundry Laundry. I swear I thought we got rid of most of our clothes, how is it possible we've still got this much leftover?!
at 7:47 PM
Well, I've finally finished my editing and reading, thank goodness.
I'm concerned about a few more things, which really has enough compunction to deflate everything we've been working on.
Though things have been as bumpy as ever, today wasn't too bad. not as bad as lastnight. I'll be really glad when I'm finally on my own, then I can really focus on myself, instead of worrying about everyone else.
I wonder how long it'll take me to figure out my priorities? I wonder how long I'm going to take to get back into order.
I wonder how long I'll be wondering, and how long it'll take for me to be sure again.
at 4:30 PM
Friday, April 20, 2007
I was hoping to go see a movie tonight, but forgot Chance was working, ain't that the way it goes.
We've been blowing through money, spending time together. but I have to admit it's been the most enjoyable time I've had with him since I can recall. Though topics of conversation range quite a bit, we do generally stay light-hearted, which makes it not so harsh as one would think.
Am making some quick sides to go with dinner tonight cause mom's picking up the chicken.
Lastnight's outing was a true fiasco, and requires me to make a few call backs today.
Had plans of actually leaving the house today, but never got round to it, 'sides going outside with Darius and washing my car (some fucknut egged it back on the 1st) which was pleasant enough.
It was a pleasant day out, bright warm sun, with a slightly cool breeze. Just perfect I must say.
Darius and I are reading our way through "The Order of the Pheonix" together, and today I decided after mom put H to sleep I'd try reading to calm D down a bit as he was trying to get rowdy. He ended up napping, mom napped with Hunter, so I said screw it and napped with Chance as well.
Was nice, but I still feel so damned tired. lastnight was trule a low point for me, and my body really feels the exhaustion from it.
I only managed two loads of laundry this morning while Kimmie was out, and could've easily done 4. Oh well, at least I got SOME done.
I've been doing research into what to expect for the next couple of months, and it's not as daunting as I'd like to think, as long as I take it one step, and one task at a time.
Right now though, I'm taking it hour by hour, cause anything more is really overwhelming.
i'm looking foreward to getting some extra sleep in the next bit, hopefully that won't get into anyone's plans...hehehe.
at 5:53 PM
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Wow, today has been verynice. I'm about as close to normalcy today as I can hit in this paritcular circumstance.
I've spent my morning cleaning, and playing with the boys.
Woke up at 6:30 this morning (I finally got up when my alarm went off, though I sure didn't feel like it) and rolled outta bed cause it was FAH-REEEEZIng in here. Had re-light the pilot light on the furnace, then impatiently wait until it warmed up. Unfortunately, in the proccess, D woke up. Yargh. He stayed in bed to wake up a bit, then came out for some breakfast and tv.
We giggled at the silly plots on tv, then I got started on the garbage as kimmie wasn't coming home this mornin to do it himself.
I cleaned out the fridge, emptied & replaced all garbages in the house. Put the garbage at the driveway end and came back in to wash my hands, and Hunter had joined big brother in the living room!
Did some comp work, and got D some breakfast, snuggled with Hunter.
Got everything off the floor and vacuumed (FINALLY!), then I started tidying up. It's taken the last two days to tidy my room and sort out the clothes that I don't want from the ones I do. I still Think I've got too much. I started hauling back the boxes that have been in the entryway forever. I need to go through those next and pare down somewhat as well. It's amazing what just toss it in ina hurry can do to organization that I've tried so hard to maintain.
So, tidied up a bit in here, got some laundry done, hoping to dry at least three before Kimmie gets home, then carry on a bit with that tonight or tommorow.
I still need to work on the kitchen, loading and unloading the dishwasher, sweeping and mebbe washing the floor. We'll see if I can get to that, but I don't think that the floor is likely right now.
I've been making a grocery list all morning as well.
Gotta get some fresh fruit, and some cookie dough (I'm taking a shorcut to make D happy) and some phone minutes.
I also made appointments for both Chance and I (seperately of course) to speak with someone about what's going on currently.
I'm dropping the kids off at the Daycare where we usually attend Baby groups for the afternoon, both kids for 30 bux. Not bad considering what we usually pay our sitters.
I really do still need to find a new sitter, Tara (our newest candidate) is nice, but she's only 14 and in full time school (as opposed to our last who was in correspondence).
I still feel really ill, but at least I've managed to eat today.
In the last three days I've only been able to stomache dinner, and thatwas only so I could take my vitamins.
Took the kids for a nice walk yesterday around the block. hunter slept for over an hour, so we were outside for over and hour together. Had a small chat with Gramma cause she phoned to ask if I was coming up for the weekend.
I need to get my car in to somebody trustworthy to get it fixed so I can do roadtrips. I'm going to need to some fun stuff with them soon so I don't forget how to have fun period. I would love to do a round trip with two days at each place, Little Fort, Kamloops, then down to the coast and back home. I need to know I can trust my car to do it though.
at 11:39 AM
Well, taking some first tiny steps to peace of mind, but it leaves me still just as unsettled because I have to do it. This is not who I am. I am not a naturally suspicious person. I am not this person whom I see in the mirror. I don't even know where I went, I justhope it's a helluva vacation.
at 8:19 AM
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
I'm truly ill.
Not in the sense that I'm not able to leave my bed, but in the heart.
I'm anxiety ridden. My heart pounds so loud whenever thoughts push their way into my head. My stomache won't accept nutrients, I can't stand to smell food cause it makes everything unappealing. I can't sleep, I can't stay awake.
My kids deserve a better mother than this thing that is before them who's too consumed to really give 100%.
at 8:06 PM
Figures, the night when Hunter keeps me up all night is the night before I have stuff to do. Murphy's law, right?
Well, the preschool had a parent appreciation breakfast before class, today was D's special Day, and I was on parent duty. Busy morning! I woke up at 8, got us showered and took off out the door. I wasn't feeling stressed though, surprisingly. We had a wonderful day with the kids, and I got loads of pictures. I'll post them later when I've caught my breath and have time to devote to flickrs uploading procedures.
Afterwards I had to take D out to Peachland for a dentist appointment. he had what looked to me, like a piece of his filling missing and food was getting caught in it. So, I found out while at the dentists's that it was actually a piece of his tooth that had chipped off. We were there in the chair no longer than 20 minutes, and he had a new filling. Apparently the two back teeth in his mouth have no nerves, so no freezing or anything was needed. He was very brave, with sunglasses and a mirror to watch. He did a great job!
Then we visited the "Echo Park" (pix on flickrs later) for a few minutes and then back home cause daddy needed to go to work. he was supposed to be there by 11am, but he forgot to grab the car seat from me before he left and didn't have one at the house, so had to wait till we got back from our morning. I really enjoyed just spending time with Darius, I really think I need to do that more often.
So, now I'm home with the kids and have some cleaning to do. I did D's room lastnight, and started on my room, but didn't get the opportunity to finish cause I had to go meet Chance for drinks after he got off work.
Anyhow, someone's asking for some attention, and another someone is asking for a leg massage.
Off I go!
at 1:04 PM
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
It's strange to know that I relate to those who love me.
At some point in time someone else knows how I feel.
I feel lost...like I, myself have lost sight of who I am because I'm consumed with how someone else sees me, or saw me. I know who I can become, but things need to be overcome before I feel I can move foreward positively.
Why, in all of the relationships I've been in, have the people I put my affection into taken me so for granted? Is there something inside of me that inherently screams Use Me! Do I put myself in that position? Do I willingly stand aside and say it's ok to do this to me?
I'm so very hurt that I can barely scope the depths of it.
Now I'm left with two options, and neither one is appealing, and tough decisions are very close at hand, none of them are going to be easy on anyone's feelings.
Disruption of this magnatude can do nothing but harm everyone.
I feel in some way, guilty that I didn't do enough to better myself. I've always believed in living by example. Everything I expect from everyone else in the world, I expect from myself. I regularly look within myself to see what needs improvement or change, and have never feared those changes. Why would that be so hard for others to accept? I've never had the role models of the "Leave it to Beaver" or "Partridge Family". I've always done the best to my ability, and have always stayed true to my beliefs and values.
Why, then, do I deserve this?
The only thing that keeps running through my mind is, Am I really so horrible that I didn't deserve a little honesty, dignity, or respect?
Out of the past five years, There were a handful of times where, under normal circumstances, I put myself first before anyone else. In my belief, when you are in a relationship, that's something you just don't do, because that other person who's with you is supposed to do the same. That way, I may not be first to myself, but I'm still first to someone else, and that balances everything out. It may be a quirky way of looking at it, but it seems very logical to me.
That's how I would value my relationships. The ability to see just how much I mean to someone by letting them put me first. I'd be selfish otherwise.
Out of all the actions I've claimed over the years, I found the little ones spoke the most, because if I care as much as I've claimed to, the small things means just as much as the big ones. I somehow figured that the small ones made up for the huge ones that I felt too vulnerable to put foreward.
This was why I felt so vulnerable.
This is why I'm so disappointed in myself, and feel, in some way, a failure to myself. i've missed those major things, and turned my head away when it mattered most. I ignored my intuition, and my instincts. I knew there was something there, but I couldn't put my finger on it, and probably didn't care to dig deeper for the fear of being proved right.
I should've known that it would come to me sooner or later.
I'm slightly pleased today that I've fit back into my size 10 jeans. it shocked me when they went on with no issues, and don't really even look like they're painted on, or have anything sticking out that should'nt be there.
at 1:12 PM
Monday, April 16, 2007
I'm exhausted...I almost feel like I'll never sleep well again.
It's funny how when your mind gets so pent up that it doesn't stop even when you sleep. Dreams are strange and almost frightening, but just enough to wake you up every so often.
I feel small, and humble. I feel violated and abandoned. I feel angry and disappointed.
The only thing to do is to look to the future that lies unwasted before, the future that's up to me to make.
at 9:02 AM
Sunday, April 15, 2007
I am strangely calm.
Tonight has turned into one horrendous night, that I will never forget.
This is monumental to my family, and I will come through any obstacle placed in my path because I am a strong, beautiful, kind hearted, honest person who deserves dignity and self-respect.
My children will see that from me, and they will see a mother who will love them with all her heart. They will see the positive, and not focus on the negative because they will be surrounded by love. They will see everything they are capable of because I will set no limits or boundaries on their dreams.
at 4:21 AM
Friday, April 13, 2007
I can't even tell that I've had a tooth pulled...it's required 1 set of T3's, that was the day of...otherwise, I haven't had any pain at all. Well, I did get aa couple of smart headbutts, one from either boy, but other than that, I sailed right through this dental tortue.
Happy Friday the 13th.
at 11:03 PM
Days like this wear me out.
Today I decided to get a few things done.
I took the kids to do some errands today.
We went and hit both newspaper offices to advertise Chance's truck, so hopefully we'll get some serious offers soon.
We went to lunch at Red Robin's, where both kids had an enjoyable time watching the people, and this around the restaurant. We got them both haircuts at beaners (same place i had H's 1st haircut) , then decided to go to the Dollar Store nextdoor.
Doesn't sound like a lot, but when your packing a stroller every time you get in, or out of a vehicle, it can take a lot out of you.
darius is sleeping right now. He's getting frustrated again, and it's making him rather difficult to deal with cause he's hit that violent stage. The one where he's so filled with emotion that he doesn't know what to do with them. He got me a few good times while I was trying to calm him down today, and I believe I may have pulled a few muscles.
My hip is real sore this evening, and I don't have an ounce of motivation left after today.
I don't know how I feel today.
at 6:55 PM
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
He had to re-freeze me at least twice, in addition to the original time. Took forever...and it sucked being awake to feel him pry my tooth out of my mouth.
Here's hoping the repercussions aren't as bad as the last one was.
at 12:58 PM
Time's really starting to go really quickly.
So, Monday rolled around, and Gramma phoned me early in the morning to ask about the computer set up. She was having trouble with it, and when it finally started working I heard her shock when she saw my background (it was a pic of Arnie in a bikini bottom and flexing). So, I just decided we should take a trip up to see her, both to help with the computer, and to drop off a few bags of clothes for her. Once she's done sorting through them, if she donates the rest to a place in Kamloops she gets a 50% off coupon for the rest of the store.
So, after Chance was finished working with Roger that morning, we packed up and took off up to Grammas. We got there about 6:30, had dinner, and I fixed up the comp for her. We got the kids off to bed, and sat down to play a game of Yahtzee. Halfway through I could hardly keep my eyes open, so I went to bed with both kids cause they were still awake. Got up once during the middle of the night to take some Tylenol 3's, then went back to sleep. Woke up at 7. Darius and I got into the shower, and Hunter and Daddy bounced around the house. We got out of the shower and Gramma was starting some pancakes for breakfast.
I sent Daddy and Darius out to pack up the truck with most everything, and to let D play a bit of energy off, then when they came back in it was time for breakfast. Darius actually sat down and scarfed his pancakes down. Afterwards we sat with Gramma and had a chat (the going-away, I love you chat) had a couple of cups of coffee, then packed it in and took off.
Was an all around good trip. The boys were good on the way there, and even on the way back they did good. Hunter napped for the majority of both times, and the rest he was content to watch movies and play with his toys and snack on Cheerios. Got home and ended up being rendered useless cause I was actually still tired. We lazed around, and I had mom take us up to Extra to get stuff for dinner. After a quick trip, we came home and I tossed Dinner on.
Mom put Hunter to sleep, and by the time I was finished and serving us up he was out. He actually slept straight through until this morning, which means he slept over 12 hours.
I myself hit the hay early as well, so I got a good sleep.
Am wondering where my GST is, mom says Kimmie got his last week, and I haven't receieved anything yet.
monday I also had "Duty Parent" day at D's preschool. It was nice cause it was still considered a holiday and we had a relatively small class. It was pretty easy.
Got some good pictures this weekend...look to Flickr.
at 7:35 AM
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Okay, weekend update.
It's funny, you can tell when I've been to busy to blog, and when I'm at home most of the day cause I blog in multiples.
Friday was survivable. I was a touch on the emotional side after having those people come in the house, and the made the rest of the day sail on choppy waters. We made it though, and I didn't even realize it was time to pack up until well after 4pm. We ended up just stuffing things under the tables along the side of the house (and covering them with blankets) and parking my car in the way. Saturday was uneventful. I guess.
Well, Gramma was in Vernon for an Assembly and her and 3 other women were driving a truck. So, I had mom drive the kids and I out with some bedding and linens, along with our old computer. She said hers had given up on her, and though the new one is slow, it's a helluva lot better than the old nasty one that Tammy and Jimmy charged her 200 dollar for, something I wouldn'tve even paid 25 dollars for myself. It reinforces my feelings that she needs to be closer to the rest of us to garner our opinions about the up-to-date purchases she's making (she just bought a new TV on Rent-to-Own for 850). It upsets me to see what little money she has go to waste on pushy users who don't give a shit about her well being. My grandmother isn't a child, and she is stubborn, but she's smart when she has all the information, and fucknut assholes keep witholding major facts when she's making these purchases and I'd love more than anything to punch their lights out.
In any event, Saturday morning we were all up by 6:30. Got a good nights sleep, and lazed round before getting everything set up, and I ended up making a trip to storage with Hunter so I could get the power cord for the comp so I could clean it off. I was hoping for it early in the morning, but I forgot to write myself a to do list (my mind is foggy before the sun hits the window) and forgot about it till later in the morning, and ended up only having an hour to clean it off. I tried. I got Darius cleaned and ready (he'd been playing in the mud even though I asked him not to) and get Hunter dressed, and myself. I tossed my hair up, gave my face a wipe, got D cleaned up, and in between tried to clean off the comp, but it ended up mom did that for me while I got myself ready. I think she also got Hunter dressed too, come to think of it.
So, after a stressful drive out and back (Hunter still doesn't travel well), they left immediately, for an overnight trip to Kamloops, and I had a mental breakdown. I ended up telling Chance I don't wanna do the yard sale anymore. So, at 4 I started getting dinner ready (more to work off some steam than appetite) and Chance made some last minute sales.
This whole moving sale just really bothered me. I'd like to gain money from my possessions, but not ones I've had for so long. My stuff that I've been lugging around with me since I was 17 is tough to get rid of, especially to cheap and smarmy halfwits who shouldn't be allowed to drive. (Enter the emotional me)
In any event, I asked that Chance leave me alone and let me wallow in my own self pity for the evening, which was nice. Everybody needs to feel like they've hit rock bottom, just so they can look foreward to working their way up, I believe anyways. I can't be happy all the time.
In any event, we packed it all up, and sorted out what we were keeping (Chance picked a few items from the sale to keep) and getting rid of, and set it all aside. Chance spent most of the evening sorting it out. This morning he made a trip to the Big Brothers/Big Sisters Drop off Truck at the dump and donated most everything we had had in our sale. Apparently they sell it to Value Village or someplace, but at least I know it's going to do somebody some good. That eases the pain a bit.
We've still got stuff to get rid of, like the washer and dryer. D's bed sold to somebody else in the park, and Chance is actually delivering that today. He's also been spending this weekend detailing his truck on his own.
I felt like going on a 4x4 run today (to escape everything and enjoy some family time like in the old days) and was told we couldn't cause he didn't want to get his truck dirty. That disappointed me quite a bit.
So, today, I've accomplished 3 loads of laundry. Now, I can't see my bed cause there's so much clothing on it, but I've been so focused on getting stuff in storage sorted out that I haven't had time for the stuff that's here. This week i'm going to devote myself to sorting everything that's here out. paring down clothing is going to be included in that.
So, this week I plan to accomplish:
-Making my chore magnets for Darius
-Setting up the chore chalkboard for Darius
-Sorting out clothing here
-Boxing and Labelling to keep Items that are here
-Donating more stuff to Big Brothers/Big Sisters
-Washing the floors
-Finishing the cards I was making for the Washington vet's home that I started 3 weeks ago
I seriously can't wait till all this stuff is finished, cause I've about had all I can take.
It sucks even worse doing this without support. Family doesn't count here guys.
I'm still missing that extra someone to go talk to, who can validate how I feel, instead of defending everything my husband does to me, or bashing him. I just want an objective listener who'll strictly support me and boost my confidence. I miss that.
Just the thought of leaving this weekend, has brought me to tears.
at 4:22 PM
Friday, April 06, 2007
Oh My God...
Ok, so we got off to a really late start this morning. I rolled outta bed at 7:30 as usual. Then we didn't start setting up until about 10. Crazy. I've spent my morning making new signs for the Moving Sale. Chance set everything up, which was a nice Change.
Today we sold our Hutch for 300, our Couch for 150, and our coffee table to 30 (smarmy old cheapskate lady). Not too bad for a Friday. Hopefully we'll be able to get rid of the little things too. if not everything will be donated to Big Brothers and Big Sisters.
So, around 11:30 or so, we came inside with the kids (mom and I) to feed them, and Chance was outside. Apparently he wasn't in view, and this old couple came inside the house. The kids were in the dining area playing on the floor together. I was digging int he Pantry and could see the front door was open (light change in the entrway) and Darius was standing looking towards the door. I came over and an old couple were inside the house just standing there looking around. They asked "Is there things for sale inside as well, or just outside?"
I told them it was only outside, they apologized and left. Chance says they hustled outta here pretty quick without looking any further. Probably embaressed them, but it freaked me right out.
What is it with people who go garage saling who just invite themselves where ever they see something of interest?? Last week a coupla guys came to take a peek and went right over our porch to the backyard to check things out.
I put up a bungee cord with a blanket over it to block the way up on the porch.
It seriously worried me because they could've just come in and takenthe kids, and if I hadn't been at the pantry, I could've missed it. It also concerns me because of that friggin weirdo trying to snatch girls from school washroom here in Kelowna, and todya the girls from accross the street told me he'd been in a Westside school as well.
It was way too close for comfort, and I'm a lot more cautious of who comes to the sale now, making a mental note to remember people by.
Inany event...Ali and Terry are here to get the couch.
I need to go back outside.
at 1:16 PM
Thursday, April 05, 2007
In addition to the last post...
The part that really gets me is that I feel completely undeserving of any of the things that I want because I feel I've put no effort into myself. That's, I believe, the hardest part about this feeling. The feeling of wanting, but also of not deserving. Like I'm just not good enough.
I'm wondering how I got myself into this position...I know I'm I'm flexible, but...damn.
at 5:35 PM
I remember this feeling from my last marriage...strange that it's come up again.
I'm disappointed to know that Chance is headed out with his co-workers again tonight.
I feel as though the weight of moving has fallen completely on my shoulders.
We tried going to storage today, and chance just said I wasn't making any sense, and attacking him when I told him how I felt about sorting out storage by myself. I find it difficult to see it any other way. He gets angry when I say that he could be over there at anytime he chooses, but he chooses to do other things. Yes, he claims to feel bad about leaving me there with both kids, but I've got suspicions that it wouldn't be done otherwise. If it were done just by him then it's possible I'd lose a bunch of things like I did when we moved (I lost about 6 items of furniture and a bunch of other stuff that he took to the dump and left there).
I can't say exactly why I feel like I do on thursday evenings, but to aim towards it I guess I feel like a kid who doesn't want their parents going out without them. Like maybe I'm going to miss out on the fun. I know there's not much time left to have fun with my husband, but it hurts my feelings that he doesn't want to have fun just with me, but if we do spend time together it has to be all four of us. I guess I can feel the pressure on both of us, but all it's doing it forcing that little bridge to a large gap between us. Communication breakdown. Where neither side gives a shit about the other.
This, of course, adds to my feelings of singleness.
I'm frustrated about tonight because we're having our moving sale again this weekend, and since it's a long weekend we'll be starting tommorow.
I feel guilty for even wanting to intrude, but I wish more than anything I could. It's not fair that I can't have that kind of fun with my husband. it's almost like he's ashamed to bring me with him. Course, that's just the way I feel, doubtful that it's in any way true. But second guessing oneself never makes anyone feel good about their place in life, that much I know.
That's the part that gets me so bummed out...I totally remember this feeling from my last marriage. I hated it then to, because it was like I had no rights, and could only sit on the sidelines while my husband moved on without me.
at 5:13 PM
My body seems to have gotten it's internal alarm clock set to 7:30. I was aiming for 6:30, but I guess progress is slow but steady.
Chance stayed home from Drywalling with Roger this morning (I believe due to getting up late) and he expects me to go to Storage again today. Mom wanted me to take today off from storage cause I've been at it for two days. Yeah, Rome wasn't built in a day, right?
It's hard to sit and think, objectively, about what I'm throwing out.
Hunter is a happy baby today. :o) Woke up with a smile in his face.
Hunter can crawl at the speed of light, and can even run away from you when you chase him. He's speedy when he knows he's heading for something that he shouldn't be into.
Went out lastnight iwth mom, and had a great laugh with the dealer. Was pretty humorous, and it's always nice to know that even when I say goodbye to this place that I do leave behind admirers.
at 8:11 AM
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Ok, so that's over and done with. The lack of motivation has kicked into motivation over-drive. Only because I know what needs to be done, and I've finally dragged my ass around to doing it.
Spent another 3 hours in Storage (yes, with both kids) sorting through everything.
I've pared down to about 6 boxes of "To keep" items so far. I still need to go through quite a bit, but I've managed to sort out bedding and linens out of what in storage (not including what's in the yard) and clothing is bagged by tops/bottoms, and I've got toys sorted out for the most part. I've gone through books, my old school stuff, pictures, sentimental items, and every box we're keeping I'm clearly labelling with what's inside. Most are farily heavy, but seeing as it's Chance handling them I'm not too concerned, specially since I can still lift them.
My body hurts, but I can't let myself let it go because if I stop I won't want to start again.
It bothers me that the stuff I'm going through has pieces of my life back to when we were children ourselves, and my husband isn't taking more action to help me with it. When I asked him to do a quick load over there yesterday while I was at my dentist appointment (Yes, I was out of the house for about an hour&1/2 by myself!) he said
"How do you expect me to do that with both kids??!"
I've been doing it, and as far as I'm concerned it's just an excuse. I'm hurt that he doesn't want to put forth more effort into seeing just how much moving away is hurting all of us, emotionally. Even he's been talking about the things, and people that he will miss. He's refusing to see that this is a choice he pushed me for for over 4 months, and this is the consequence of forcing me to that decision. I'm sad to be leaving. I'm not saying it wouldn't be best, or even better to stay here, but this is a very emotional decision, and he's refusing to validate that in any way, shape, or form.
With each day that goes by I feel like something is being taken away from me.
at 8:33 PM
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
I ifnd myself here once again, late at night (for the length of day that I had anyways).
I was wondering why people aren't as affectionate with their kids as we are with ours. I feel sad when I watch Darius play with the girls accross the street because he always wants to hug them, and snuggle with them while watching a movie or something. I'm one of those people who enjoys spontaneous hugs and kisses and "I love you"s. I enjoy snuggling with my sons when I'm out shopping, watching a movie, or whenever I need it. I need physical affection to help make my day go smoother. Don't other parents feel like that?
As for the parent of the boy who scratched Hunter...She's pregnant with her second child. I feel sorry for her if she's not got her first under control with manners taught yet. I'm wondering, once again, why parents don't hold their kids to as high of standards as I do.
Even the girls accross the street don't have allowances (neither does Darius yet, but I'm occupied right now, when I have time to squeeze it into effect I will), or know how to properly clean their rooms. The last time I babysat them, the younger's room had to be cleaned and when I went in there she had just tossed everything into her closet and it sufficed. I guess this is where the organizational freak in me comes into play.
If I could make a list for everything til the day I die I would be a happy camper.
at 11:58 PM
I guess this is the trend setter for what could very well be the rest of the year. Busy Busy Busy.
After lastnight got into the dentist this morning at 10:30. Thankfully he didn't charge me for it, but we discovered that there's a spot that hasn't fully healed from my tooth extraction back in January (Duh, I've been looking at it forever now wondering why it wasn't healing). Apparently it depends on how much bone removal they need to do to get the tooth out, and on top of it, cause it's such a tight space it's getting food caught in it, and it's rotting in there and it can't heal itself with rotting food in it (even though I've been cleaning it out whenever I feel food in it). He gave me a few plastic syringes to use to clean it out with twice a day.
Also, I need my upper wisdom tooth removed on the same side (I've been noticing that it feels jagged) because it's got a cavity. my dentist will be able to do that one for me though, and at most it'll cost 115. So, I've got that schedualled for next Wednesday. joy. I'm almost tempted to ask about the other remaining wisdom tooth, but I just don't want to have to survive that pain all at once. So, I guess it'll come out sooner or later.
So, I've got a new prescription for T3's, and I'm hoping that'll help me sleep. Lastnight really sucked cause everytime I fell asleep it would wake me up, and laying down just wasn't an option. I'm tired, but caffine is my vice.
Went to the dentist, then to Shopper's to fill my prescrip and buy some more Rice Milk (they have it on sale until April 6th). I also picked up some meal replacers in case I run out of Carnation Instant Breakfast's (Thanks Ronnie, BTW).
In any event, I'm trying not to let it get me down.
Need to head to storage after D wakes up. After I got home from my excursion, I got the boys up and at em and headed off to Baby Group cause I was starving and didn't have the energy to cook myself something for lunch, let alone make something for them.
Piss me off. That stupid kid who scratched Hunter a couple of weeks back, got him again. For no reason he just walks up to him while he's in the high chair and rakes his fucking nails down his face. It was difficult not to just automatically give him a time out and let him know in my voice just how upset that made me. I ended up telling him that that wasn't nice, and that he had no reason to do that and that he needed to apologize. Last time it happened his mom just said, "yeah, he does that". Retarded. "Yeah, I rammed your car off the road...I do that". He looked at me like "Did I do something wrong?" and just shrank into the floor basically. Then he went after the other babies in the high chairs. That's when the elder for our group Lenora spoke up and said she shouldn't be leaving him by himself for anything because he can't be trusted around the babies. She served them up and quietly left the room. She did try to make an excuse but Lenora said something stern that I didn't catch. I'm glad she said something cause when stuff like that happens I'm at a loss as to what I SHOULD say, and get so flustered that I don't say anything at all.
It brings me back to my old complaint that I can't understand why people aren't more like me. I'm not anywhere's near perfect, but when my child even comes near to hurting another child I warn him, make him apologize, and I myself apologize to the parent as well. If he does it again it's a time out or we leave. My children suffer consequences for every action they make, whether they be good or bad.
How come other parents don't do that with their own children??
at 2:38 PM
So, over the last week I've noticed my socket getting progressively more and more painful. It's to the point now where it woke me up from a dead sleep...I was just hoping it would go away on it's own because up until now regular painkillers made any pain go away no problem. today it made the final leap to being a royal pain the the ass.
Now, everytime I go to sleep I wake upin pain and the only thing that makes the pain go away, strangely enough, is standing and walking around.
To further my blog from earlier (I suppose)...I had the girls from accross the street help me both days this weekend. Thankfully. I was in a state of panic on Saturday when Chance told me he had to work at 4 (when we were supposed to be shutting down), and mom and Kim were headed to bingo extra early (was sposed be 1000 bux a game, but it didn't turn out that way). that meant I would've been by myself with both kids and packing up the garage sale myself. Thankfully the older girl was willing to help occupy Hunter while I packed everything up to the porch. They ended up being over here for a grand total of 13 hours. We had some excellent fun though.
at 12:30 AM
Monday, April 02, 2007
So we did our first Garage Sale of the month this weekend. It sucked...cause I feel like I got beat up. I wore my slippers the whole time, and my calves hurt because I was tip-toeing the boxes up the steps to be quiet. My ass hurts too, feels like I did 2 hours on the stairmaster.
We did wonderful. Just with the cash we have for our items now, we made 450 bux, and we can toss in an extra 300 for tommorow cause someone's gonna be picking up our hutch.
I'm so bummed out selling everything. Like, this is the last 5 years of my life for sale up here, and it sucks to sell it off to the first person who offers.
I was mad the first day, but it's too much to type. Elsie came into town and I hired a sitter to watch the boys until Chance got home.
I had her in Friday for 2 hours, Saturday for 2 hours, and lastnight for 2 hours.
Holy jeez what a fiasco. The first night when I was driving her home she actually asked me if Darius had ADHD because she "noticed" how hyper he was. Chance took her home Saturday night, and as far as I know she had no issues. Lastnight we went to Bingo with mom and Kim, and I told her we'd phone every hour to see if everything was ok (no time to go get phone minutes) The first time Chance phoned everything was OK. The second time she phoned she asked if he could come home. We handed our cards off to mom and kim, and left...at least 45 minutes early.
We walked in and she had a look that was sort of desperate. She said "I've been holding Hunter for over a half an hour and he won't let me put him down (he was sleeping)". She didn't even wait till my arms were open before she started forking him over. Poor Hunter (as she said) had Diarrhea, and had a fresh diaper on, but poopie clothes.
Darius was in bed (in mis-matched pj's) with his TV on (no timer). He had an empty pudding container there, plus Nana's blue Diamond.
She burned right outta the house and had Chance drive her home.
I had a conversation with Darius while in bed with him, and he said he liked her well enough, said she was fun to play games with. He then said "I fed Hunter Hot Dog mommy!" That raised a red flag, and I then took Hunter out to Chance and went back in for more information. He said, She said he could give Hunter the hot dog (the second that he was allowed to have), despite the fact that i had set out food on the freezer and had asked her not to feed him anything else but what was up there. Not only that, but for a snack Darius had had two cold hot dogs, a pudding, and a candy cane. He was sent to bed without his teeth being brushed.
So, sometime between the first hour and the second hour, everything went haywire. Somehow they had been outside, cause Darius told me he took Nana's pretty outside, and forgotten it there, and while she was trying to get Hunter to sleep he went outside by himself to go get it.
I'm at a loss here, and it's terrible to say, but this was the reason that I didn't bother looking for another sitter after Elsie left.
The only thing I have to say is, do I really need to write a manual on how to care for my children and then quiz those potentials on it?!
Spent our day busy today. Though I need to get everything back into storage until thursday, and set aside those items that can be brought out again and set aside those that we're keeping. I'd like to sort through what is in there while it looks so empty.
We went out for lunch (all 4 of us), then I took the kids out to start our day. Went to the post office, then the dollar store, and then to the bank, then down to the Wellness Center (to pick up my $25x2 gift cards from them for nursing), back to home to get the coupons for the grocery store (they have them every month 5% off $25, 10% off $50, and 15% off $100), and up to the grocery store. We did our shopping and with all coupons combined (Flyer coupon, and Superbucks from gas, plus G/C's) I only paid 12 dollar for 97 dollars worth of groceries...YAY ME!
Darius said he was hungry then so we went to Wendy's, and dropped off our movies at Blockbuster, then on up to Zellers to wait for mom. I went in and got the boys into a cart after waiting for D to finish his cheeseburger. Went and found the diapers, and by then mom came and found me. We had our dinner in the Zellers restaurant, and then we took another quick peek at the baby stuff and left. I came home with the boys, and brought them in. Did a quick feeding with Hunter then I was unloading the car, and after that was putting stuff away when mom came in and I put her stuff away as well. Was a bit tough to find places for absolutely everything, but I managed it.
I'm so disappointed to say that this is going to be a four day weekend. That so bites...two days was rough to pull everything out on, but it's going to be rediculous with four. nevermind our child care. It makes me mad...everything about this weekend makes me mad.
There's so much more I dind't add in here that I should write about, but just don't have that motivation to do so yet.
at 8:49 PM