Catch Up

"It isn't easy but I'll try
If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky
in letters that would soar a thousand feet high"
To Sir With Love

I had a busy day yesterday. H was tired, and getting a bit worn out himself. The school he's in recently made the switch over to 4 day pre-school from 2 day, combining both classes.
On our way to the pre-school today he asked me how many more days of pre-school he had. It made me chuckle, cause he's usually so excited to go that he asks when he gets to go again next. I guess he noticed he's going more often ;o)
On Tuesdays & Thursdays we generally stick around the pre-school for baby/toddler group with a regular group of fabulous, supportive folk. I had scheduled an appointment at the local career resource center around the time baby group ended, but then my plans nearly fell through when Mr decided to go help a cousin of mine with some drywall. Nearly. Thankfully I was able to drop H off with my mom where she works while I was busy, so long as it wasn't for too long.
We ate lunch with the group, then I started trying to get H ready to go so I wouldn't be late. He was tired and a bit ornary by this time, and refused to be of any help to me. I didn't have a blanket in the vehicle I was driving (switching back and forth between my mom's and step-dad's leaves me with no stash of usually needed items) so I thought it best to make sure he had both his jacket & boots on before we headed out as it was rather cold and it took the vehicle a while to warm up enough to pump out heat. He refused to help me change his shoes. I wound up with him laying on the floor trying to hide his feet for me. Fun. Once I managed to wrestle him into them, I had to get his jacket on. Wouldn't ya know it, he wanted to use it as a punching bag instead. When I had nearly had enough he held both arms out in front of him and told me to put it on. So, I put it on backwards, and zipped it up. When I got everything in his bag, and was nearly ready to walk out, he says in a loud voice (enough so everyone in the group could hear us from the hallway) "I'll behave mom, please take it off!"
I could have died, if I weren't in such a hurry to get out of there.

"No I will not lay down
I will not live my life like a ghost in this town
I am not lonely swear to God I'm just alone
I'm back on my feet"
The Sound Of - Jann Arden

I had a forgetful day today, where I spent a lot of time forgetting, and repeating everything I did. I walked from our living room to our bathroom (the length of of the house) 3 times before I remembered that I had originally gona back there to brush my teeth. It should have been a clear sign of just how much I was going to forget...like my resume/business folder that I needed for my next appt with a Resource Center, or the dinner I had started but didn't get into the over before I left, or to tell family members at home to get it into the over at all. It was all rather humerous, once I got over myself and kept moving on.

"When I am sad I think of every awful thing I ever did
Oh When I cry, there is no love,
No there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry"
When I Cry - Jann Arden

I got my hairy ass in gear this week, making phone calls that I have long put off, and made various appointments for myself. I visited the Dr, got my exam done, and made arrangements for an Ultr Sound to figure out my lady issues. I signed up for a three week course of various training through a place that's owned by one of Mr's friends. It was all "Helly Mrs. E" until they found out who my husband was (I was trying very hard not to mention his name), and then it was "Oh this is mr's wife!". *sigh* Working really hard each day to find a reason to smile, though I know it doesn't last all day. The fact that I can smile at all is something I'd like to see as perserverence.

"You deserve it, you know it
You've been searching for it all of your life
You need love "
All Your Life - Backstreet Boys

I had to cancel my next thaerapist appt because I can't pay for it right away, and though I know it's important, I need to be able to pay for it first without incurring more debt. I'm still pondering myself, patterns, life, and the way I work. I see it as a huge tangle that I'm not fully certain I will able to ever fully sort out, but at least I have my main set of goals to aim for. As long as I don't loose sight of those, i think I'll be ok. I'd like to eventually be able to say that I love myself. While I am putting it off, I know this isn't an avenue that I'm going to give up. I've started it, and I will regurgitate everything in my mind on it until I'm able to purge it once and for all.

"I like your face, I like your body,
I like your feet, I like your nose,
I like your chest beneath the covers
I like your heart, I like your soul"
Thing For You - Jann Arden

We have our first meeting with a family therapist tomorrow morning. D will have a half day of school because of it. I hope we'll be able to get a plan of action out of it. I'm praying that I'll find some hope in the situation. I'm trying to keep in mind that I could be far worse off in this situation than I am.

"Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am"
The Kill - 30 Seconds To Mars

I have spurts of time like this. Times where nothing can really bring me out of the funk that I'm in. At least I'm keeping to a regular daily regime with the kids. Up early, full and healthy meals, constant snacks, and fun. Though they are a bit more tired this first week back, at least they can't really tell I'm in a big funk. Soon the sun will come back out. Soon, I'll be able to let this shit bag go, and let loose. Who know's, maybe I'll even laugh...but don't tell anyone.

"So many times you did not bring this on yourself,
When that moment finally comes,
I'll be right here"
Citizen Soldiers - 3 Doors Down