Have to keep in mind now

Scary...what's going on at home, gives one a pause to think, wow, I really need to start taking better care of myself, not take my body for granted.

Skate Straight

I noticed there was a presentation at the Wooster Library that was from a Pro-Skater by the name of Doug Brown. I thought it would be nice for Darius to go and listen, simply because he likes skateboarders (Tony Hawk game). So, we spent in the area of 3 hours at the Wooster library this evening. Hunter and I attended a toddler group, and Chance & Darius attended the Doug Brown talk, where Darius fell asleep about 5 minutes into it. He slept through the entire thing, unfortunately, but he did get his autograph and his picture taken with him. I guess it wasn't for nothing :o)

I'm Shocked!

I was so surprised this evening when I asked (kind of half-heartedly, not expecting any results) Hunter where his body parts (nose, mouth, eyes, ears, hair, tummy, winkie, bum, toes, hand) were, and he knew them! I remember when Darius was little we drilled him on those questions until there was no way he could NOT know where they were. I've NEVER asked Hunter where anything was, and I asked him a bunch, and without hesitation he knew!
My jaw dropped, and I was shocked...almost speechless. He learned this on his own, without guidance...at 19 months old! (I wonder why I'm so shocked when he knows about 60 signs)
Holy Shit, I thought...my baby isn't a baby anymore, he knows himself!
I miss my babies...I wish they were babies, and not as grown up as they are. Darius is going to be 6 this year, and Hunter's going to be 2!!
It's going too fast, I can't keep an accurate memory of them as they are today in my head, or my heart. I want to grab them and hold them tight like this forever. I don't want them to ever grow up.
Then I remember I can handle anything they throw my way, and come back to my senses.

Another week come and gone...the precursor to the entire year.
I've finally gotten everything together for Hunter's shot, which we'll hopefully be able to get done this week. It was incredibly frustrating last week when we went to get them done originally. We waited for an hour in a line-up in the hallway of an office waiting for a nurse to flag us in, and then another 45 minutes while she entered our information into her computer. With both kids. It was embarrassing the way she asked for a card for Hunter and Darius (insurance) and when I could only produce one, and another outdated one, she looked at me and said "Who am I supposed to bill??" Like she couldn't give them their shots without someone getting a bill for it. I just said, there's not much I can do for you as this is all they've given me. She told me to call them and ask for a replacement card next time. It was all very frustrating, and in it's own way humiliating. Made to wait in a Line-up with no chairs for children or mother's carrying their child in a cramped hallway that was fairly busy...and then have them grill you and look down their nose at you as they read you personal information out loud to you (but enough so everyone can hear). At one point she actually asked me what one specific immunization that Darius had received, and that they didn't recognize it. I mean, what did she expect me to say ? Oh, they were just kidding, he didn't actually have it??
I'm hoping this one will go over better.
Did I mention they only have a two hour limit in which they accept people for immunizations? (That goes for babies/children AND seniors)
In any event, I can now brace myself for this week's, cause I'm sure it's going to be a fiasco.

Took the boys out yesterday, as Chance had to spend his day on the phone with various ppl. We went and bought a new phone, and a few other things that were needed around the house. We spent a grand total of 6 hours out and about together. We only went to three stores, but it was still a lot of fun, cause we took our time and were patient. They both even napped in the truck while I got to eat my lunch.
I got myself a new purse, which I really like cause it's a heckuva lot smaller than the current one I've got...which means I'm mommy-ing up. No more room for spare toys, or diapers, or wallets in my new purse, everyone will just have to find their own way.
I've discovered I'm back up to a size 14...*sigh* I had wanted to lose weight this year (the aim was 120-25 by June...5lbs per month) but it's just not going over very well because I'm just not willing to fork over my effort. So while I was out, I was going crazy on the stretchy clothing I was looking at for myself.
I mailed out Valentine's Cards for everyone...
Been keeping myself busy I suppose...haven't been chatting on the phone as much these days.
Am coming around slowly, but surly.

Uploaded Pics to Flickr.

Our computer is swamped with viruses. I keep getting pop up windows with advertisements for Omax, Wall Street something or other, and a couple of other non-memorial places. It's annoying.
I took us shopping yesterday, as someone mentioned that Hunter may need some new clothes. I sorted through what he had as I was doing the laundry...tossing out what was too small, and (I also got rid of a bunch of toys) figuring out what was left behind. So, once the money was put into the bank, I got ready in the morning and we were outta here.
I've been saying for a while now we need a gate for upstairs like the one we have at the foot of the stairs, and never get around to buying one. So, that's what we did yesterday. We went up north of here (only about a 30-40 minute drive) to go to the store that sold the particular gate that we wanted. I spent 153 bux in that store...but we all got a little something. I got a new pair of shoes for 6 dollar, Darius got a new pair of "casual" (Chance uses this word so often when referring to apparel for D it really grates my nerves and makes my eyes twitch) shoes for Darius, Hunter got a bunch of socks, and Chance got a new hat that came with a new t-shirt.
Don't ask me how it added up to 153, cause I couldn't tell ya.
On our way back, there was a Goodwill (like, the only thrift store...LOL It's comparable to Salvation Army there) that was having a "grand re-opening", so I persuaded us to stop. Chance found an ottaman with storage in it (for the toys) and a set of Left Handed Golf clubs with a carrying bag for D (amazingly enough, the perfect size).
I bought myself some new shirts (as I've gained weight, I don't really fit a whole lot of what I've got) and got Hunter some new PJ's (cleaned em out of their size 2's!). There was some kid who attatched himself to me in the store...stayed with me for 45 minutes (even though I kept asking where his mom was and that he should get back to her). I felt like Gramma...LOL I remember thinking (gosh) my Gramma's crazy cause she used to talk to random people on the street, have complete conversations with a stranger...and kids used to glue themselves to her too.
Anyhow, afterwards we went to the outlet mall where Chance works, and I bought three outfits for H in one store that apparently doesn't do so much in business that Chance covers on breaks, went to the Vanity Fair store where I got 11 (yes, that right, I said 11) new pairs of underwear. It's an underwear extravaganza! LMAO I can't even remember the last time I bought new undies...I'll hafta check my blog. I blog embarrassing information like that.
Anyhow...afterwards I hit the children's Place and bought 4 more pairs of jeans for Hunter, and a faux fur lined sweater so I can stop putting him in the annoying winter coat I bought him. On our trip yesterday I had to feed Hunter and he couldn't get his hands out of his jacket sleeves, which required me to crawl around the truck(while moving) trying to get him out of his jacket sleeves at least so he could eat. It was stupid, and it left me incredibly frustrated. So, I spent a whopping 9.95 for a new sweater/jacket thingy to appease myself. It had a hood as well, so I felt it'll do the job in the future quite nicely.
When we finally got home, we all stumbled into the door, and Chance went to get his mom so she could come and pick up her car (she was out of town for the week and loaned it to us) and in that time I removed the tags from everything (a considerable amount), tidied up and put the new stuff where it belonged, and got dinner ready to get going (along with cleaning the pots to cook them in).
It's funny, I stopped doing the dishes everyday, and let Chance do them...after three days of it, he suggested we buy paper (the bio-degradable kind of course) plates for an occasional relief from the dishes.
It's also funny that when I didn't have a computer I really missed daily blogging. Now I only blog about once a week. Hhmmm

I must say schooling has gone very smoothly. I've gotten us going pretty good, and gotten the gist of everything, but the writing portion of the curriculum.
I must admit I've been very doubtful of late.
Went shopping yesterday on, like, the only snowy day in January (LOL). Spent 95 dollars on fresh produce. Trying to prevent that scurvy and such. I go out so often now if I ever go back home, I'm gonna be missing teeth and be sprouting a woman moustache. Was rather pleased to find some fresh cherries (at least they weren't sprouting fuzzies like last time I seen them), and nectarines (the majority of them had Definately seen better days), and peaches (they looked like apricots they were so small and starting to wrinkle).
Honestly, the government is on everyone about being healthy and fit...but they charge 5 bux per package for a 1/2 bag of cherries. Nevermind, the 3 bux per pound they wanted for the nectarines and peaches.
And they don't get mandarins down here...I've gone an entire winter season trying to survive on reglar navel oranges...no mandarins.
I couldn't quite tell you what's been going on in my head of late, but it's not s positive as one would hope. big surprise. Am I an optimist? Tell me honestly...I can take it. Is this how I aways think? Is ths my cycle?

Anyhow...I'm bored, and tired of not having the extra cash to go out whenever we want to...or even just to have a SAY when we go out, ya know? I am obligated to be responsible. Why? A) because my husband is not, b) because if I wasn't it could possibly be held against me c) because there just isn't enough fo rme to be unresponsible.
I wouldn't mind not being a 26 year-old mom once and a while. Even if it is for the duration of my grocery shopping trip.

I've uploaded pics from today's skating lesson and such to Flickr

Dariuses First Moments on the Ice

Darius Practising Skating (And Going Too Fast)

Darius is the one in the striped sweater and black helmet

I wish my life had stayed the same.
Am I changing, or am I grasping at strands of my past?
Honestly...I let a good thing go.
Here I am, can I make it as good as it was...or better?
There is no me here, because there's no one who'll put focus on me. I fade into the background for the sake of neccesity.
I hope with the completion of my volunteer forms and consequent submittal of them, that Iam able to start some semblance of a life for myself, with a network built just for me.
I miss me. That wonderful vibrant person with a terrific sense of humor and quick wit. I miss the person who was allowed to be, because someone told her it was ok.
It seems that everything I do is a struggle. Why do I choose this struggle that seems so immense?
Why did I choose this?

Amazing, Long Time

Dude...I've been blogging for 4 years...
I was sitting back wondering why I don't journal as often as I used to in my youngr days...and here's the answer right before me.Blogging is journalling, I just can't be as in-depth as I would be if I journalled because people actually read this and if they actually knew what was in my head I'm not certain they're still want to know me...hehehe.
I managed to get BOTH boys down for a nap today, which is why I'm blogging in the middle of the day and not at night for once.
Have been busy trying to encourage effort and motivation round here...and it's like pulling teeth.
Hunter and Darius at least don't mind helping out too much. Yesterday D swept the floors with a little hand broom, and he sure likes dusting with a swiffer cloth. He's also in charge of watering plants, and replacing hand towels around the house. Hunter's even started cleaning up his own toys as well when he sees us cleaning up...it's real cute.
I feel like I'm doing everything...A biased opinion which is untrue to some extent. It's more like i have to ask to have everything done (at least the things I don't have time for, or don't feel like doing). That whole communication things is really getting to me, to the point where I'm just sick of it because I feel like the one who's instigating it. The story of my marriage. If it's not trouble, I started it. Do I put myself in this plight? How do I change it?
In any event, I'm happy to report I've finished making my "healthy shopping list" in a time-span of 30 minutes! Amazing what I can accomplish without distractions.
Updates on the boys:
Hunter wighs 25.5 lbs...he's invented signs for come with me, and toothbrush/ing. He's memorized our 1st sign language DVD, and is halfway through the second one which we got for Christmas. He's hit a picky eating stage (GOD I hope it doesn't last), and is copying EVERYthing big brother does (which can be good, but WAY bad mostly).
Darius...Discovered his Testacles in the bathtub 3 days ago. I had to explain what they were and their purpose in the body, and when daddy got home and was grabbing a snack, D came bounding into the room and said "Daddy, I have tentacles!".
He's 41lbs now, and just a string bean that's all muscle. He can throw a footbacll (spiral even) like nothing, and hit his target (almost with his eyes closed...lol). He is doing well in his studies, and has glasses to help him focus on his schoolwork.
In any event...to those who read what's on my mind (the edited version) I hope you've gotten to know me a bit better by all my blogging, or gotten a laugh every now and then from it.
Thanks for getting to know me. Even though I don't know how many ppl read this, I know you exist, and that makes the world a bit easier to bear...whether you agree with my opinions or not, because at least I'm being heard. That helps.

I think I'm doing ok.
We've gotten the hang of the classes now, and I'm trying my hardest to catch us up without missing information that is vital.
Got our stuff set up in our "office/study" (where our old bedroom was until we moved it upstairs). We've shifted the house around a bit since we've moved in and now our two bedrooms upstairs are bedrooms for the family, and downstairs is seperate from that.
Did I mention D got a fish (another Betta) and called it Scandy (short for Scandia)?
Anyhow, we've gotten on track with basic chores for D, his school schedual is going ok, and he knows his daily routine items that need to be accomplished to do privelaged things.
We got D's glasses in and I've posted pics of them on Flickr.
Not much else to report...I'm feeling unsettled again.
I feel like it's all against me, like I'm being used. I wonder if this is my own warped perception, or if it really is this way. There's a million things running through my mind that are raising red flags, and I just don't like seeing them.

Ok. My confidenc level has gone up some-what with the home schooling stuff...finally. I've spent the past few nights organizing, and going through everything they have to offer new parents. Tutorials, instruction and introductions at the beginning of the teaching manuals. DVD's, video clips online. LALALA
I'm almost all of the way through it and we're zipping along in the beginner's curriculum like we should be. According to our new teacher D should be about 40% finished with his curriculum so far, so that leaves me with quite a bit to catch up on. no one to blame but myself for not getting into gear with it when we first got it.
Anyhow, I'm slowly absorbing what to do with what. We'll get there eventually.