I can't believe we're down to the last day of the year. It's kinda scary when you think back on how quickly it went.
I remember feeling lonely this time last year because I missed my friend, then i ventured out into the Reservation and made new friends. Summer came along with a massive change to how I made things work. There was a crossroads there, looking back. I could've changed my life forever, and I chose to stay the same.
Fall came, and I was still lonely, but not nearly so bad as I was during the beginning of the year.
Did I make resolutions? I couldn't tell you, I don't even think I stayed awake.
I wonder if this year will be different. I wonder if I'll be different.
It seems that as I grow, I find a new layer of someone who's always been me. It's like I'm building this puzzle of me and I only find one piece that fits per year, and somday I'll see the big picture, but I know it's not today. It's comforting to know that I'll someday be who I was meant to be, and not just pretend to be someone I know I'm not. that's what gets me through times like this.
I'm here now, and I'm floundering. I feel like calling for help, but the only one who can help me...is me. I'm scared, I'm alone, because I have to do it on my own.
The New Year is here, and I can choose that path that lay ahead of me that will enrich me, I can choose to be that better person that is hiding...I can choose. And yet I don't.
I don't know how many people read this on a reglar basis, or at all...but to those of you who do, I hope you have a good new year...one that you can fill with hope and all of those good things from within you. Each and every person I've met is amazing in their own way and holds at least one personality trait that I wish I possessed for myself. Make this year a memorable one...and not just for the reasons to complain about, make it the one where you genuinely want to remember and relive it over and over in your memory, because you never know when you'll need those thoughts.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
I can't believe we're down to the last day of the year. It's kinda scary when you think back on how quickly it went.
at 8:46 PM
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Why does it exhaust one so to stay patient and bite their tounge all day?
I've had two days like that. Days where I just want to yell "What the fuck is wrong with you??!"
Or "Do you not possess compassion or manners?!"
I'm tired...I'm exhausted, this season took a lot more out of me than I was expecting.
It's hard to be in someplace different, because different means you're not used to it. When you're not used to something you don't do things the same as you would in a comfortable place.
If I were at home, this is what I'd do in this situation...why? Because I would be comfotable enough to know my own limitations and abilities as far as support.
Even though my mother supported me all those years she didn't tell me what to do with my life...or where to go with it, or how to get there...ya know?
That's what I love about my mother...the pressure is non-existent there, it's always been within myself if I imagined it was.
It's the same thing here, but because everything is different, I don't feel comfortable enough owning up to that yet.
How long does my period of adjustment take?
Chance's aunt didn't want us invading their home on Christmas day...until we made other plans. I wonder if they even know how that sounds to foreign ears. Yes, I'm family, but I don't work like the rest of the family does...I'm different. That action offends me because it says to me that they don't care enough about me or my family to say "I could care less about you seeing me in improper clothing or whether or not I've put any effort into food for you, come over and surround us with love and presence", instead they saw me and my family as a hassel they didn't want to deal with on a very special day that only comes once a year.
Nevermind the fact that they haven't even phoned us since we've arrived, it's actually been us phoning them, or us visiting them. My kids are younger, and require more to pack, you'd think they could say, aw heck, we'll save you the trouble this time, and come visit you.
I have to sit back and ask myself, would my family do this to me? I'm sure some of the adult empty-nesters have already done something at some point in time, and I hafta wonder why I don't remember it.
I understand nobody's prefect (at least when you compare yourself to another), but honestly...do people not realize that there's a whole world FULL of people who are NOT them?! how can people be so minute. How can they not have any vision for the world other than themselves?? Has their life been so horrible that they've decided to be a shut in?! If life has been so hard on them,why are we (as a world) paying for their mistakes?
Am I making the fool at McDonald's pay for being stupid enough to work there? No, I appreciate their service, regardless of how it is because I can relate to them on an emotional level (meaning I know I've felt just like they do at one point in time). Am I normal by any standards that way? I seem to think so, because I'm puzzled by the people who choose not to see it that way. I'm bewildered by the actions I see.
I'm terrified on being one of those people who are just there, and aren't actively trying to better themselves, or their lives. I'm terrified of holding a grudge against the world, because that would mean I'm destroyed emotionally...been there, done that.
if that were me someday, I'm hoping someone who loves me takes me aside and says, I love you enough to tell you that you can do better for yourself, and it's ok to move foreward, because I'm here with you.
I've seen examples of this aplenty since I've been in Ohio, and indeed a few times back home as well...and I've never had the courage to bring it up with those whom I see it in. I wonder why. Am I guilty of being an enabler? Am I guilty of not loving that person enough?
How do I prevent that horrible person I don't want to become?
I spent my night lastnight seperating the christmas garbage out, because I felt it important enough to...when my husband asked me why I didn't just throw it all out, I felt hurt that after 6 years he couldn't just answer that himself.
I'm stubborn, and I believe that recycling is important, no matter how tired I am. The earth is important to me, and plays a huge role in the judgement calls I make regarding the prducts I purchase because I want my children to have a future home that possesses natural resources. NO, I haven't done ALL of my reading on the subject yet, I have two kids for chrissake, what do you think I am?! I'm merely taking the important first steps to being more efficient and once that's done and I'm ready for the next, I'll take it. That's more than I can say for the average joe out there.
Consequently my husband calls me a tree-hugger. Like it's funny to call me that. yeah, I'm gonna go walking up to Elton John and call him a faggot and expect him to laugh because I think it's funny. Does that sound right? No, why would I disrespect someone for something that they are (and choose to be in some cases)?
I find people down here just don't function the way I wish they would sometimes...so I find myself biting my tongue and swallowing the smart ass remark I have in reserve for people who have such closed minds.
I pray someday the world would better itself...for now I'd be happy just to have some patience in reserve instead of feeling all tapped out.
In any event...I uploaded some pictures to Flickr.
at 2:03 PM
Sunday, December 23, 2007
and it's starting to fail miserably.
Ok...so, I'm trying my hardest to make up both my gramma and mummie's places in the holiday scheme of things for the boys, and I believe I'm pulling it off for the most part.
I decided I'm going to do as much food prep today as I can to avoid being stuck in the kitchen tommorow. Busy Busy Busy. I've still gotta work on the pj pants I wanted to make for the boys, and their robes...but oh well. I also wanted to make a few baby doll items for the girl next door.
Anyhow...today I made, oatmeal raisin cookies, a box cake, peeled the potatoes and set them aside for the mashed tommorow, sliced the carrots and set them aside for tommorow, made a veggie tray, tuna (for the puffs/biscuits I'm gonna make), a cheese ball, sliced pickles for the cheese tray, deviled eggs, a fruit cocktail (the kind with the whipped cream and marshmallows), a pasta salad all this afternoon/evening.
I still plan on making pigs in a blanket, pancake batter (so chance can just toss it on tommorow morning), and rolls.
I figure this can be accomplished if I lay out and pin my pattern that Chance can cut it out for me while I bus myself in the kitchen, then tommorow morning I can sew. I hope.
We still need to go get D's glasses, return library books and such.
Oh well, I'm not stressin over it.
We just got all of the gifts brough over from Don & Rhonda's...and wow. We almost have no living room left. I could understand this amount if there were as many people as we usually have back home, but wow. It's almost frightening when you see it as a whole, how much we all spent.
We're pretty much all set for the next few days, in any event. Here's hoping yours goes as smoothly as I think ours will go.
at 7:24 PM
Saturday, December 22, 2007
t's funny when you sit back and think about it. how horribly overcome Christmas is with how much money you have. it's become a season of pissing contests. Like, if you don't make this much money, you won't have a good enough Christmas because you're not getting the season's hottest toys.
It crazy how much I see people buying in one trip to the store (god forbid they make multiple like that), full shopping carts, multiple shopping carts (I've done this, but with neccesity's) ppl.
How much do we need to drive ourselves into debt to ensure we have a "happy holidays"?
I would be content with something hand made, that would really show me that you cared about me enough to put some of your time into my gift. I don't want your money, I want you.
Back home, I complained a lot about everything that needed to be done, but I made sure everyone had at least one thing that I made for them, and one store-bought item under the tree. I complained about going to pick them up, but in reality it was a family tradition, and this also showed how much I wanted them to be a part of my family's holidays. All of the things I complained about I placed on myself because I loved my family enough to do, and because I couldn't imagine the holidays without them. I wanted them to enjoy the traditions that we created together, such as the loop to pick everyone up nd drop them off, family games, family movie nights, and the never-ending snacking.
If it came down to it...I'd be happy just to have my famiy there, and I wouldn't even need a gift. the gift would be the love that is shared when we're together.
That sounds mushy, I know, but it's really true when you shed some light on it.
When it all comes down to it, it's really important that we remember why they're called holidays, and what we're supposed to do with them.
I miss my family, and I'm going to try my hardest to ensure that the kids don't miss them near as much as I do. The only way that's accomplished it focusing on the here & now, and not back then. Having fun with them, teaching them new things, and making sure that they know what the holidays are for.
They for being together, and remembering what a gift each and every person in your life is. They're not about money, or toys, or clothing, or objects. They're not about how many gifts lay under the tree. They're about what crazy new story you have to tell everyone from this season.
Let's see, there was the time the boys stood up while sledding, there was the time we tried going over the Coquihala toll booth and got stuck in the snow, or the time we had Harry pop in with us because his family was troubled that year. I have specific memories from each holiday season because at least one thing made them memorable each time, and that was the fact that all of the people I loved and held near n' dear were there with me.
at 7:10 AM
Monday, December 17, 2007
I wonder who all has recieved my Christmas cards so far? Hmm...
I got Steven's package Saturday (too cute), and Mom's package (still need to wrap stuff) today. We also got Jean & Ernie's Christmas card, as well as Josh & Acette's, and Steven's. I like Cards, there so nice.
at 9:43 PM
Sunday, December 16, 2007
I really missed daily updates on my blog
at 7:55 AM
Saturday, December 15, 2007
I don't quite understand what the big deal is with snow. Everyone (so I've noticed) gets so worked up when talking about snow that's coming, or even weather for that matter. What happened to all those happy-go-lucky people who just take things as they come, without fear that the world is going to end (an exaggeration, I know) when the next weather front hits?
The neighbors, the ppl at the grocery store, church people, relatives...they all seem to do the same thing. Doomsdayers, who panic at the thought of any bad weather. My husband is included in that, though not to the extent that I've seen some strangers go to.
I tend to sit back (cause they all have that look of stricken panic) and watch the goings on, shaking my head. I wonder what the big deal is...each year there's snow, or rain, or lots of wind, or whatever.
Snow, you drive nice and slow, and it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get where you're going, as long as you get there.
Rain, once again, drive slow, and if other people want to be idiots, let them. Who cares how long it takes you to get somewhere, or how much you hold other people up, it's their own fault for not leaving earlier.
Wind, well, just make sure you have both hands on the streering wheel.
When y'all hear about big weather coming, don't worry...life will go on, provided you treat it with the right amount of respect.
I find having my vehicle fully stocked for any emergency lessen's any amount of fear of breaking down that I may have, so be prepared works too.
That is my advice to you people, who need to take a deep breath and just relax, this is life...stop fighting it and go with the flow.
at 10:50 AM
Friday, December 14, 2007
Internet at home is nice, but as before I can't really use it until the nightime.
I've spent my entire day baking...cookies cookies cookies, all day. The Church accross the street is having a cookie-sale for a fundraiser, so I'm doing my part. Of course, my part wouldn't b min if I didn't go over-board. So, here I am, taking a quick break before finishing my last batch of cookies...Gingerbread!. So far I've made Oatmeal-Raisin, Peanut Butter, Smickerdoodles, and Merangue cookies. I've also made Buck-eyes for the first tie, and they weren't as complicated as I was expecting.
Now I just hafta roll out my gingerbread and toss em in the over, then Chance is planning on making Chocolate Chip and no-bakes.
I've been reading my sign-language books and have been trying to learn some new signs to teach the boys. Hunter seems so interested when I'm doing school-work with Darius that I figure it wouldn't hurt if I taught them somthing together.
I like having the internet at home because it gives me an opportunity to do something for myself, cause I'm not doing much else for me at this point in time.
Darius had his Optometrist appointment the other day, and there's really nothing overly-wrong with his vision. the Dr. said he's a little far-sighted right now, but that he'd grow out of it, and that it was also normal for a child his age. That pissed me off, cause now I'm all paranoid thinkin the stupid school was making shit up to help their case to boot him out. People suck.
So, anyhow, we got him some glasses to help with his school-work (she gave a list of symptoms to watch out for if we needed them, and I said they wre already all present), and while we were picking the frames out there wasn't any intrest at all on D's face until he put one specific pair on, then he got a real big grin on his face. Thankfully, he was covered under the government medical card.
Next week I have the boys' check-ups, and I'm really hoping I'll have a new medical card that covers both of them because they wanna charge me 125 bux for Hunter cause he's currently not covered.
If you haven't watched Sicko yet, you need to.
at 7:02 PM
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Okay, I've uploaded pictures from my last bit onto Flickr...they go back into November, so I'm a bit behin, but at least they're up.
My house is abnormal. I swear, everything has it's place, and it looks the same each day.
I remember in mom's house that you never could tell from day to day what would be out on the table, or in the living room. I can't do that at my house. It doesn't even feel family friendly.
On another note, we've gotten the computer for D's schooling, and all of his course-books, and we'll have internet at home by Friday! Yay!
I've been thoroughly domesticated, and it shows. I don't even bother with make-up anymore unles I know it's a big event. I'm a sweater and slipper kinda lady now too cause we keep it so cold in the house (our latest heating bill was a whopping 166 bux! so now we're trying to keep the heat down).
Life is going ok I suppose. I'm alive, and the kids are happy, those just need to be my main focus to drag me out of the dolldrums I guess.
Christmas is coming up fast. I just need to make a couple of last minute things, and get my stocking stuffers and I'm good. ;o)
Darius visited the dentist and was checked out OK. Tommorow he goes to do his diagnostic test with a school teacher, then off to the Optometrist to find out just how bad his eyes are.
Next week we should get the boys's check-ups with the Pediatrician we've selected (an East Indian Male).
Definately keeping myself busy, I drop at the end of the day. I stay busy with the boys each day with school-work and meals, then we usually watch a movie at night or play board games (picked up Monopooly Junior toy story edition and chutes and ladders for 50 cents a piece) and Darius kicks our butts most times, I honestly don't know how he does it.
at 5:06 PM
Friday, December 07, 2007
If I dind't have kids, I wouldn't be getting out of bed everyday.
I get stuff done everyday, my life moves on, but it's really not going anywhere because
a) I don't have ANY income, which means I cna't leave unless it's neccesary (a 20 minute drive eats up gas that I can't replace without an income)
b) I have yet to begin my volunteering anywheres.
C) I know all my debts in Canada are piling up and there's fuck all I can do about them.
d) I just don't really have anyone to talk to that will really listen, instead of interrupting to tell me their lifestory.
There's a long list of complaints that I have with living here, but it's not really going to matter what I say, because it boils down to me making the choice to move here because I wanted to be fair. I moved here because I had no backbone to tell them to leave me alone. I moved here because I couldn't justify a divorce, because one side told me he didn't deserve me, and the other said...Forgive him, everyone makes mistakes. I couldn't make up my mind, and nothing was letting me get over anything anytime soon.
To quote someone...Life won't just stop because you can't make up your mind.
We had a lot of events since I last posted.
I made my christmas cards, and am planning to send them out real soon, though i'm unsure if they'll have pictures in them or not (I've had them finished for a week now and I've been waiting on pictures). Chance asked me why I put so much effort into things like that, and i had to say it was because I'm not sending gifts home, so this will have to do.
Darius has lost his first tooth, and the second one isn't far behind. Hunter has played in the snow for the first time. Chance is putting in a lot off effort around the house (but until I can drag myself back up, I'm not sure I'm giving him enough credit), Chance has also gotten a part time job (after turning down at least one job) at a local clothing store (WTG!). We got the curriculum stuff for D's home schooling, we are now just waiting on his computer.
I have been trying to upload to Flickr, but there really isn't enough hours in a day.
I hope things are going better on the reading end of this post than they are on the writing end.
at 8:41 AM