Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Oh my.
Why does it exhaust one so to stay patient and bite their tounge all day?
I've had two days like that. Days where I just want to yell "What the fuck is wrong with you??!"
Or "Do you not possess compassion or manners?!"
I'm tired...I'm exhausted, this season took a lot more out of me than I was expecting.
It's hard to be in someplace different, because different means you're not used to it. When you're not used to something you don't do things the same as you would in a comfortable place.
If I were at home, this is what I'd do in this situation...why? Because I would be comfotable enough to know my own limitations and abilities as far as support.
Even though my mother supported me all those years she didn't tell me what to do with my life...or where to go with it, or how to get there...ya know?
That's what I love about my mother...the pressure is non-existent there, it's always been within myself if I imagined it was.
It's the same thing here, but because everything is different, I don't feel comfortable enough owning up to that yet.
How long does my period of adjustment take?
Chance's aunt didn't want us invading their home on Christmas day...until we made other plans. I wonder if they even know how that sounds to foreign ears. Yes, I'm family, but I don't work like the rest of the family does...I'm different. That action offends me because it says to me that they don't care enough about me or my family to say "I could care less about you seeing me in improper clothing or whether or not I've put any effort into food for you, come over and surround us with love and presence", instead they saw me and my family as a hassel they didn't want to deal with on a very special day that only comes once a year.
Nevermind the fact that they haven't even phoned us since we've arrived, it's actually been us phoning them, or us visiting them. My kids are younger, and require more to pack, you'd think they could say, aw heck, we'll save you the trouble this time, and come visit you.
I have to sit back and ask myself, would my family do this to me? I'm sure some of the adult empty-nesters have already done something at some point in time, and I hafta wonder why I don't remember it.
I understand nobody's prefect (at least when you compare yourself to another), but people not realize that there's a whole world FULL of people who are NOT them?! how can people be so minute. How can they not have any vision for the world other than themselves?? Has their life been so horrible that they've decided to be a shut in?! If life has been so hard on them,why are we (as a world) paying for their mistakes?
Am I making the fool at McDonald's pay for being stupid enough to work there? No, I appreciate their service, regardless of how it is because I can relate to them on an emotional level (meaning I know I've felt just like they do at one point in time). Am I normal by any standards that way? I seem to think so, because I'm puzzled by the people who choose not to see it that way. I'm bewildered by the actions I see.
I'm terrified on being one of those people who are just there, and aren't actively trying to better themselves, or their lives. I'm terrified of holding a grudge against the world, because that would mean I'm destroyed emotionally...been there, done that.
if that were me someday, I'm hoping someone who loves me takes me aside and says, I love you enough to tell you that you can do better for yourself, and it's ok to move foreward, because I'm here with you.
I've seen examples of this aplenty since I've been in Ohio, and indeed a few times back home as well...and I've never had the courage to bring it up with those whom I see it in. I wonder why. Am I guilty of being an enabler? Am I guilty of not loving that person enough?
How do I prevent that horrible person I don't want to become?

I spent my night lastnight seperating the christmas garbage out, because I felt it important enough to...when my husband asked me why I didn't just throw it all out, I felt hurt that after 6 years he couldn't just answer that himself.
I'm stubborn, and I believe that recycling is important, no matter how tired I am. The earth is important to me, and plays a huge role in the judgement calls I make regarding the prducts I purchase because I want my children to have a future home that possesses natural resources. NO, I haven't done ALL of my reading on the subject yet, I have two kids for chrissake, what do you think I am?! I'm merely taking the important first steps to being more efficient and once that's done and I'm ready for the next, I'll take it. That's more than I can say for the average joe out there.
Consequently my husband calls me a tree-hugger. Like it's funny to call me that. yeah, I'm gonna go walking up to Elton John and call him a faggot and expect him to laugh because I think it's funny. Does that sound right? No, why would I disrespect someone for something that they are (and choose to be in some cases)?
I find people down here just don't function the way I wish they would I find myself biting my tongue and swallowing the smart ass remark I have in reserve for people who have such closed minds.
I pray someday the world would better itself...for now I'd be happy just to have some patience in reserve instead of feeling all tapped out.

In any event...I uploaded some pictures to Flickr.

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