I've never seen so much shit in my life.
And am beginning to believe Urine is a perfume.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
at 9:54 PM
...For the week in review.
Went to Wal-Mart yesterday, and got my battery exchanged, exchanged the coffee pot, went to the Sally-Ann and got a couple of cool things, got my loan stuff in, only to find that it's not feasable, did mega laundry to keep up with the soppies, tidied, tiedied, and tidied some more, and heard nothing but curse words from Kimmie about how dirty and dumpy this place looked, took D potty millions of times (or at least it fell like it), managed to re-stock my emergency kit and pack it back into the truck after cleaning it out from the dusties left over from 4x4-ing last weekend, and got some good sleep in here and there.
So, now I feel utterly exhausted, and just plain tired of everything, and I really want to cry, but don't feel like I have the energy to do even that.
I feel completely alone, and maybe even abandoned, and desperate, and really tired.
I guess I applied for a job last month for something regarding inverntory. I can't remember applying for it, but they called me on Friday, so I'll be giving them a call on Monday to see about an interview. Maybe if I pick up another job, my husband will appreciate me more, and respect me more.
at 8:54 PM
Ya know...somedays I just wish I could make my own breaks. :o]
Today was a long day with Sylvia, nothing too tough in particular, but long nonetheless.
Chance had a softball tourney today, and after I got to work, I felt completely stupid for letting him take the truck, especially since we had no way of communicating with each other.
So, I phoned mom to get her to pick me up, and then, both of them showed up when I got off.
So, I hopped in with mom, cause I still felt stupid for undermining myself, and left Chance to do his own thing and leave me be. On our way home, we realized that Devon's birthday party was today, and that his party was at 5. Damn. So, Chance is out doing who knows what sports-wise, and I'm home...and mom and kim decided to go play Bingo, but thankfully mom lent me her car.
So, we went to Extra on our way home, and bought 2 books, a t-shirt, and some fabric markers to make devon his present. Got D to do some fancy artwork on the shirt, and made him a card, and were on our way out the door. Ate dinner, then came home to get some swimming stuff, and went to the pool. about a half hour after we got there, Chance showed up...all ranting about how he tried to call me to get me to go out to Winfield cause he had taken off from the tourney's to go play with his 4x4 friends.
Can anyone ever understand how sick I am of hearing him talk about himself? I'm sorry, I don't mind hearing about how his day went and all, but he never has anything overly intelligent to say (from my point of view). I carry conversations on all day with Sylvia, about everything, and sometimes nothing, but they certainly don't all pertain to me, mostly just things that I wonder about. On that aspect, I'm grateful that I have someone I can bounce these things off of, cause whenever I mention them to Chance, he just looks at me funny, and rather than bouncing something back, he simply asks where I thought that up. No intellegent conversation.
I continuosly wonder how I came to be with someone who is so utterly self absorbed that he can't see anything of the world beyond his own nose.
God, I'm a sucker for punishment.
at 8:43 PM
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Sylvia called off work for the day. *sighs* Last Thursday of the month, Salvation Army shopping day.
Decided to give my friend Cathie a call, and she agreed to come with, so it was kinda fun.
Had a killer headache this mornin, and it didn't go away until we were on our way home from shopping, I swear I could hardly see anything...and yet, mom was letting me drive. LOL
My upper wisdom tooth has been making it's presence known, and I'm thinkin I may hafta make an appointment to see if I can get it pulled. I don't want them all done at once, cause I'd rather wait to see if Chance can pick up a job with benefits, or if I can after he starts working.
Had awonderful day yesterday...work was easy, nothin hard there...until I went to go home. Genius husband of mine, bought himself a cb radio for when we go 4x4-ing, and the guy hwo he had hook it up for him, patched it onto a fuse in the truck. Well, guess what was dead when I went to leave from work yesterday? That's right, my battery. I ended up having to have a friend come and give me a jump start so I could get home, then Chance switched the battery with the one in the new truck. Thankfully, our neighbour has a battery charger, and we've got it plugged into the wall.
Kimmie's been hard at work lately with getting some cedars planted in the backyard, which means so has Chance.
They were nice and let me sleep in this morning though.
Darius is having a hard time getting back on track with potty training. I noticed after our first attempt (we all got lazy after going with him about 15/20 times a day), that daddy was making over-use of diapers. So, I warned everyone that when his diapers ran out, I'm not buying anymore, strictly big boy underwear from now on.
Well, Daddy decided to forget to put the silly things in the wash after going through the majority of them yesterday...so now, they're stuck in the dryer, with Kimmie asleep. Blah
It's another beautiful day out, but a touch on the windy side.
With all the nice weather, I've taken up roller-blading, and am having a great time with it. Haven't gotten the courage to go too awefully fast though, certainly no faster than D can ride his trike. Someday. :o]
Am hoping to sink my hands on to a family Waterslides pass this year. I'm anticipating that with the building of the approach for the new bridge, that the lake is gonna be very dirty this year, so I'm planning to stay in cholorinated water if I can.
We shall see what happens though.
I've applied for a loan up at Peace Hills Trust, and it sounded pretty promising. I'm hoping Chances friend Sarene (he actually came to D's birthday party with his son), can work miracles, and get me a loan to buy out the Expedition (he said it was easier that way, that way he could have something for collateral), and get out of this new truck deal.
Here's to Hope.
at 2:18 PM
Monday, April 25, 2005
Went out Saturday, with the family...and some new friends. Chance met some new ppl on a 4x4 website, and we went for our first trip out with them. Was a lot of fun. Felt real powerful travelling in a convoy of 10 honkin 4x4 trucks. Made it up the hill, down, back up a couple of times, cut our own trail (literally) and back down the mountain before heading to a BBQ in Winfield. Darius had a blast, he thought all the bumpies were funny.
Had some terrific fun discovering the real capabilities of our truck, though truthfully, I think next time I'll see if we can leave D at home cause some of the stuff we tried I wasn't completely comfortable with having him in the vehicle while doing.
Works been the usual...kinda of annoying, kind of bearable.
Took D to a birthday party of the neighbours' girl. She turned 9, and she had a bunch of other kids over. I found it rather intimidating because all these kids were so close to trampling D.
I cleaned out the truck yesterday, and Chance washed the outside.
Lost our key to the padlock we have on our storage unit, so we can't get into the fucking thing. Piss me off...with all the hot weather, I have nothing but grungy shorts to wear. All my summer clothes and shoes are in storage.
Some fucknut stole our insurance sticker from the Expedition. And the other fucknuts are telling me that I hafta pay 18 bux to get another one. Yeah...some moron stole something from me, and I have to replace it with my own money...HELLO?! Isn't that what insurance is for?!?!?
God...some days it just isn't worth it to blog cause it just works me up.
at 8:45 PM
Sunday, April 17, 2005
I don't particularily care if this is the right outlook to have on relationships, but the way I've always seen it, when I put as much effort into my relationships as I do, I expect at least as much in return.
I put my husband and my son before myself the majority of the time, and I don't think it's too much to ask to have it reciprocated occasionally. But I don't even get that. I've got the shit end of the deal when it comes to my husband, because I don't seem to hold any huge signifigance(sp?) in his life, other than the feact that I'm the mother of his child. No fucking respect, no fucking place but the bottom of the food chain, where-in if you're an aquaintance, your opinions, advice, and thoughts mean more to him that mine.
Respect...let's define that from my point of view:
Respect boils down to listening to what one has to say, considering the meaning of what they have to say, asking for clarification if needed, continuing to make a judgement call, and taking consequences for your actions. Whether that be, yes, the orange tie, or no to the blue shoes.
As a wife, I expect respect, considering I give plenty of it, and I expect to hold signifigance in my husbands life. I expect that I'm not making the same mistake that I did the first marriage around, because that would be fucked up, and make me a complete fucking loser...which one could call me right now anyways, given the circumstances.
Can everyone reading this tell that I'm seething with anger? I'm getting more and more fed up, and my tolerance is dropping, and it's happening a lot more these days.
at 7:29 PM
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Put up or shut up right?
I guess I'm just sick of shutting up, and I'm tired of putting up. That little light at the end of the tunnel has grown very very dim.
at 2:59 PM
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Yeah, so, the lawyer thing was pretty shitty. Fuck, I hate people who think they're better than you, big fuckin head on their shoulders, who think it's ok to shit on you, and walk away without even wiping.
Yeah, you can guess how that went.
Went to work yesterday, and damn it, I sat on a fucking wasp. Got stung, on my ass. how embaressing, Sylvia can't get it out cause she can't move that much, and I wasn't about to moon her husband to ask him to get it out, so the darned thing ended up staying and working it's way in. Oh, about 15 minutes after I got stung, my hands and feet swelled up, and I couldn't see, and I was having trouble breathing. Lucky me. So, for the rest of yesterday, from about 1pm onwards, I kept having waves of this feeling that I couldn't breathe, and I'd get that tingling sensation.
Yup, I'm allergic to them, so today, I'm going to go to the walk-in and ask for a prescrip for an antihistamine for this, in case I ever get stung again cause those feelings stopped just short of me passing out.
Was supposed to go out lastnight, but didn't, cause I didn't wanna drink, but I did wanna dance. Oh well.
We rented movies, Cellular, Without A Paddle, Shaun of the Dead, and the Second Star Wars, Attack of the Clones. Watched Shaun of the Dead, and was pretty funny. :o]
Am doing laundry today, got a lot to catch up on with all our clothes being covered in drywall dust. Kimmie and Chance have been busy all morning, doing some spring cleaning and such. Mom went to her new job, dunno when she'll get back from that.
So, today I don't have anything planned, though I could end up going to Mary's cause she said Ali and Terry just showed up there. *shrugs* Who knows.
Well, life goes on, yet another day. Let's see what we can do with it.
at 10:23 AM
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Well, here we go, hold on tight cause this merry go round is only going to go faster.
Had a interesting conversation tonight with someone who's been through a similar situation as me with her vehicle and dealership where she purchased it from.
Chance is going to be busy over the next few days with phone calls and consultation with lawyers.
I'm ready to take the next step.
Here's hoping I pull through relatively unscathed.
at 2:22 AM
Sunday, April 03, 2005
You know, I swear...four years. I honestly don't know how I've made it this long.
I continually wonder. WTF?! My husband has a degree in Psychology and yet he's completely clueless as to how a relationship works.
A friend once told me that if I sat down and made a list of pros and cons about a relationship, that it would help me see what the big picture could reveal.
All I'm asking for is a minimum effort. I'm such a fucking pushover that I don't even get that. I'm not respected, I'm insulted because not even the minimum is done the majority of the time. Like, you don't do the little things, the small amount that I ask of you, so what does that make me?
You're fucking floormat is what.
You know, I went through this shit with Michael. I said my piece over and over again, and by the end of it, I went somewhere's where I felt they appreciated me. I went elsewhere, is the point there. Here, I'm not going elsewhere, here I would just leave. Not physically, but the relationship would be over nonetheless.
I swear to god, I'm this fucking close ----.
I'm too patient, too lenient, too easy-going, too willing to let you walk all over me.
God, I haven't even dug us out of this hole, and you're already jumping all over me to get me into another one. You want you want you want. I NEED a break, I NEED for you to grow up. If that doesn't happen, then see ya. I'm tired of this shit. Everyone in the world is laughing at me for staying with a fool who can't see what he's doing to me. Who can't see past the end of his nose, who can't see past his own desires. I laugh with them, cause I've got to be the biggest dumbass for sticking around for four years. My son is going to grow up thinkin that this is how relationships work, that this is how he should treat his wife, that this is how life is supposed to be, that he can't do anything about it.
Priorities, needs, desires, the aching ability to dream of your life untold.
at 1:21 PM