Friday Fill-Ins #158

*click the icon to play*

1. There are places where money just doesn't matter.

2. I love watching the wind blow those clouds away.

3. Standing in the middle of the woods, I can hear a tree fall.

4. It's hot lunch day today, oh boy.

5. He went out tiger hunting and came back with lions & bears...oh my! ;o)

6. I really don't know how to keep my mind from wandering .

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to stay up late night, and maybe a movie, tomorrow my plans include finding something productive to do with my boys and Sunday, I want to get my week successfully planned!

HNT: Afterglow

S'been a while since I got to feel like this. Here's hoping I'll have plenty more opportunities.

Catch Up

"It isn't easy but I'll try
If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky
in letters that would soar a thousand feet high"
To Sir With Love

I had a busy day yesterday. H was tired, and getting a bit worn out himself. The school he's in recently made the switch over to 4 day pre-school from 2 day, combining both classes.
On our way to the pre-school today he asked me how many more days of pre-school he had. It made me chuckle, cause he's usually so excited to go that he asks when he gets to go again next. I guess he noticed he's going more often ;o)
On Tuesdays & Thursdays we generally stick around the pre-school for baby/toddler group with a regular group of fabulous, supportive folk. I had scheduled an appointment at the local career resource center around the time baby group ended, but then my plans nearly fell through when Mr decided to go help a cousin of mine with some drywall. Nearly. Thankfully I was able to drop H off with my mom where she works while I was busy, so long as it wasn't for too long.
We ate lunch with the group, then I started trying to get H ready to go so I wouldn't be late. He was tired and a bit ornary by this time, and refused to be of any help to me. I didn't have a blanket in the vehicle I was driving (switching back and forth between my mom's and step-dad's leaves me with no stash of usually needed items) so I thought it best to make sure he had both his jacket & boots on before we headed out as it was rather cold and it took the vehicle a while to warm up enough to pump out heat. He refused to help me change his shoes. I wound up with him laying on the floor trying to hide his feet for me. Fun. Once I managed to wrestle him into them, I had to get his jacket on. Wouldn't ya know it, he wanted to use it as a punching bag instead. When I had nearly had enough he held both arms out in front of him and told me to put it on. So, I put it on backwards, and zipped it up. When I got everything in his bag, and was nearly ready to walk out, he says in a loud voice (enough so everyone in the group could hear us from the hallway) "I'll behave mom, please take it off!"
I could have died, if I weren't in such a hurry to get out of there.

"No I will not lay down
I will not live my life like a ghost in this town
I am not lonely swear to God I'm just alone
I'm back on my feet"
The Sound Of - Jann Arden

I had a forgetful day today, where I spent a lot of time forgetting, and repeating everything I did. I walked from our living room to our bathroom (the length of of the house) 3 times before I remembered that I had originally gona back there to brush my teeth. It should have been a clear sign of just how much I was going to forget...like my resume/business folder that I needed for my next appt with a Resource Center, or the dinner I had started but didn't get into the over before I left, or to tell family members at home to get it into the over at all. It was all rather humerous, once I got over myself and kept moving on.

"When I am sad I think of every awful thing I ever did
Oh When I cry, there is no love,
No there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry"
When I Cry - Jann Arden

I got my hairy ass in gear this week, making phone calls that I have long put off, and made various appointments for myself. I visited the Dr, got my exam done, and made arrangements for an Ultr Sound to figure out my lady issues. I signed up for a three week course of various training through a place that's owned by one of Mr's friends. It was all "Helly Mrs. E" until they found out who my husband was (I was trying very hard not to mention his name), and then it was "Oh this is mr's wife!". *sigh* Working really hard each day to find a reason to smile, though I know it doesn't last all day. The fact that I can smile at all is something I'd like to see as perserverence.

"You deserve it, you know it
You've been searching for it all of your life
You need love "
All Your Life - Backstreet Boys

I had to cancel my next thaerapist appt because I can't pay for it right away, and though I know it's important, I need to be able to pay for it first without incurring more debt. I'm still pondering myself, patterns, life, and the way I work. I see it as a huge tangle that I'm not fully certain I will able to ever fully sort out, but at least I have my main set of goals to aim for. As long as I don't loose sight of those, i think I'll be ok. I'd like to eventually be able to say that I love myself. While I am putting it off, I know this isn't an avenue that I'm going to give up. I've started it, and I will regurgitate everything in my mind on it until I'm able to purge it once and for all.

"I like your face, I like your body,
I like your feet, I like your nose,
I like your chest beneath the covers
I like your heart, I like your soul"
Thing For You - Jann Arden

We have our first meeting with a family therapist tomorrow morning. D will have a half day of school because of it. I hope we'll be able to get a plan of action out of it. I'm praying that I'll find some hope in the situation. I'm trying to keep in mind that I could be far worse off in this situation than I am.

"Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am"
The Kill - 30 Seconds To Mars

I have spurts of time like this. Times where nothing can really bring me out of the funk that I'm in. At least I'm keeping to a regular daily regime with the kids. Up early, full and healthy meals, constant snacks, and fun. Though they are a bit more tired this first week back, at least they can't really tell I'm in a big funk. Soon the sun will come back out. Soon, I'll be able to let this shit bag go, and let loose. Who know's, maybe I'll even laugh...but don't tell anyone.

"So many times you did not bring this on yourself,
When that moment finally comes,
I'll be right here"
Citizen Soldiers - 3 Doors Down

Parenting Failures

You know we've had a really rough 6 months.
We moved from our own home, to my MIL's, to my MIL's new home, to my parents.
We moved from one to state to another, then on to another country. We've gone from having more than enough room for all of our junk, to squeezing more in than there's room for.
We've had a decent relationship with each other, to letting the circumstances get the better of us. All of us.
We've gone from being supported by my Mr, to being supported by me. And being jobless in between.
We've gone from one Immigration system to another.
We've switched schools, started with new ones, and worked as closely as we could with teachers. We've started counselling, alone, together.
I want so badly to not feel like I'm on the brink of tears at any moment. I want to actually be happy, and not pretend that I am. I don't want to feel so tired. I don't want to see my own anger flash quite as quickly. I want to be able to cope.
We put D into counseling back in November. He's angry. We can't seem to help him.
We can't help him because we're at fault.
We fought hard to keep our relationship intact, and to avoid familiar pitfalls and old habits. They, unfortunately, got the better of us.
We've slipped into familiar routines, accusations, battles, and finger pointing.
We are failing our children.
We're failing because we don't have the ability to show our children just what to do when the going gets tough, and then keeps on going.
The cracks that were there are now showing through.
My child is angry, upset,sad, and saying things a 7 year old shouldn't even be able to conceive of yet.
I phoned the Child & Youth Mental Health place today, to get us an appointment (all of us), to get some help. The intake worker gave me a questionairre over the phone. It was awful to admit a lot of the stuff out loud, and so unpersonally over the phone, without even knowing what the person I was talking to looked like.
I'm ashamed at some of the things I had to admit to. I'm sad that I let it get this bad.
I love my children. I love my oldest son. That hasn't stopped me from being two heartbeats away from wanting to phyisically hurt him. It should. There are times when I walk away and I'm envisioning myself giving him a slap (or worse) to stop him from doing what he's doing.
I love my son. That hasn't stopped me from feeling like dealing with him is a lost cause. Is that just how I work?
It makes me question if my motivations for having children, or even wanting children in the first place were honest. It makes me wonder if having my children in my care is the safest, best course of action. It makes me wonder just how my children will look back on their childhood when they remember it. It makes me wonder if they will feel like I do about their childhood.

Survival

sur⋅viv⋅al

–noun

1.	the act or fact of surviving, esp. under adverse or unusual circumstances.

2.	a person or thing that survives or endures, esp. an ancient custom, observance, belief, or the like.

3.	Anthropology. (no longer in technical use) the persistence of a cultural trait, practice, or the like long after it has lost its original meaning or usefulness.

I had written a note to myself to remind me to blog about survival.
I think it's funny, now that I've noticed it, when people ask me how I'm doing, my usual answer is "Oh, I'm surviving".
I'm good at surviving, but I'm not much good at doing more than that.
Real life experiences scare me.
Surviving is taking care of basic needs. Sometimes I can do more than that, when I shove my thoughts away. Sometimes it's really all I can do.
I've written before about how my memories assault me. I find that when I feel depressed that they immerse me. I'm tormented minute by minute, to where I have a hard time getting off the couch to look at what cool thing my children want to show me, or to interact with my husband, or to just take care of my basic needs. There are some days where I don't feel like eating, but instead pick a little during the day, and eat at night because someone says I should.
All my life I've been surviving.
All my life, I've been afraid to take any steps that would take me someplace but away from my memories. I've always wanted to run. I've always wanted to forget. I've always stopped because I never wanted to look back at the god awful things in my past.
Now I find myself in a rut. I take the same steps over and over again, never going anywhere, never staying in one spot. I survive by never letting go, because I've held on to this for so long that I'm unsure what it would be like to be free of it.
I was asked what I would do with my life differently if given the choice. I answered "Nothing". "Well, maybe I would apologize to those I've hurt". After a moment of thought, "Maybe I should include myself in there".
That was a profound moment for me.
Maybe I should say "I'm sorry, amber. I'm sorry for all of the things I've put you through. I'm sorry that we were so promiscuous, I'm sorry that we drank so much, I'm sorry we ran so far away and were disappointed when distance didn't take care of the matter."
How does one begin to accept and forgive these transgressions?
How do I let go of all that ugly?
I've worked for so many years to make my outside as ugly, dirty, and used as I felt inside that I hardly have a clue what it would be like to be a whole person.
I'm fragmented. I'm a puzzle, waiting to be put back together. If my 3 year old can do a 35 piece puzzle, I'm sure I can do this...right?
I'm terrified folks. What happens if I actually succeed? I'll no longer have a reason to mope. I'll no longer have a reason to just survive. I'll have a reason to thrive.
The only problem is, once you get yourself into a rut, it can be difficult to accept the new.
I remember when my Step-father had left, and I was back home, how all of the things I wrote about were centered around Change, and just how terrified I was of it then. Adolescence is a tough thing to go through as it is, but throw in that some serious self image issues, and some familial disputes, and you got one mega pot of something that is barely survivable.
It's so bad, I haven't been able to kick myself out of that mode.
I'm still a terrified young lady. Awkward in my body, afraid of what I see in the mirror, socially stumped, and really good at pretending on the surface that everything is ok.
I'm broken. I need to be repaired. Those steps are so baby right now that they aren't even registering as moving...but I'm taking them. And by god, they will be acknowledged because any effort is better than no effort. Any effort is better than the god damned cowering I've been doing my whole life.
I'm fucking well sick of surviving. I just want to live, and breathe, and not feel guilty about it. I want to believe that my life is worth something. I want to believe that no one wants life to go on without me. I want. And it's damned well time I believe that that's ok.

New Year, New Decade

I'm happy to report I brought this New Year in with family, and I can still clearly remember it. Even though I drank heavily, from this bottle ----->


We played Rummoli for pennies with said family until 3am. It was fun to just relax and enjoy the evening. We actually almost missed the midnight thing cause we were so caught up in our game.


It was a rough go in the morning, let me tell ya. It's an annual thing when we're here in BC, that Mr participate in the nearest Polar Bear Dip. We made it out to go and watch him, and the rest of the folk who joined in. I was shocked to see at least three children younger than 7 joining in with their parents. It started at 1pm, and ended soon after. There was a woman who stayed in for about 10 minutes or so. Crazy. We watched from the beach, took pictures & video, and then headed back home to help Mr warm up.

Kind of slacked all day, doing not a whole lot of anything. Even got to take a nap. When Mr asked me if i had made any resolutions, I said "Nope, I'm aiming to ensure I survive this year" and left it at that.

I still haven't blogged about survival. Hmm, maybe I'll get to that later, I'm feeling kinda thoughtful today...
Happy New Year to you, my reader. I hope the best of the last is the worst of your new.