Spring Blahs

I've been feeling twitchy this week. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that D turns 9 tomorrow ;o)
I've been feeling kinda bluesy, and nto able to put my finger on why.
I visited some gal pals today (muchly needed), and discovered my issue. I'm having The Spring Blues.
I've been a renter as long as I've been able to have my own place, never actually having a home of my very own. I've always decorated it the way others wanted to, or not been able to make the changes that suited me because it's never been mine.
In two weeks, Mr becomes a Permanent Resident of Canada. We've been working for this for 7 years, and it's finally coming! I'm excited.
At the same time, my need for a place to call my own is starting to make itself known.
I'm tired of renting, or holding off on changes I'd like to make because it's not in the contract, or just too much effort if we're just going to move in a few months.
Goddammit I just want to know something is permanent! I want my own sense of security, and to know the satisfaction of not putting anything else off to "when I'm able to".
I'm able to now. I'm fucking capable, and willing, and earnest, even, to get something started!
I'm am thoroughly sick of wishing and dreaming of "someday" when I may be able to decorate or paint in shades that I like, or arranging furniture the way that best suits me, or having my own sewing room, or garden to grow and plant and tend.
My spring blah's have me antsy, chomping at the bit, and rearing to go.
Unfortunately, I'll have to be patient a while longer until credit can be established, after all...only fools rush in.
For the time being, I'm going to content myself (hopefully) with building some staggered shelves for my garden pots that'll be growing my peppers, peas & tomatoes (if they continue to grow from the seeds I've planted with my kids' help this week) and anything else that catches my fancy. I'm going to learn how to use a hammer and nail, and any other power tool that may be required, as these have always represented permanence or change when I wasn't ready for it, and scared the daylights out of me. I've got two friends who need home repairs, and who aren't opposed to me helping out in exchange for teaching me how to do said repairs. Hopefully this will curb my craving for stability long enough to get what we need done to eventually get into our own home.
I'm hoping.
Spring has jumped up and bit me right where it counts, and boy howdy, this year I'm gonna do something about it!

Yes Week

I don't know that I've ever explained what I do for a living. In case I haven't, to put it simply, I am the first stop to prevent children from being removed from the home. I am contracted by the government to teach parenting skills to at risk families.
I am humbled, at times, that I was chosen to do this job. There are times when I feel overwhelmed when I consider the implications that I've been entrusted with. I have group of professionals who are accredited, hold degrees, doctorates, and have education much farther than myself who hold me in high esteem.
I do my job well.
How do I know? Well, for starters, I've made it more than a year. I've got a group of clients that I've been working with for this length of time that trust me. I've seen improvements in some people whom I didn't know had it in them, but that I thought it might be a good idea to pass information off to. I know through evaluation and experience what can be expected from my clients, and what may take a little bit of encouragement to bring about. I hold faith that each and every one of my clients will reach their full potential, if I can find the key that will enable them to reach for it.
I have faith.
I am dedicated to my clients. I love their children. My clients know this. My clients know that I am in their lives to encourage and support them. My clients know me.
While there are boundaries that are not to be crossed, I am honest with my clients. I am honest about myself, and about my faith in them. I trust my clients. I have since the first day I entered their home. I have given myself completely to them. I give them respect, trust, and honesty. They return it. This is how I know that I do my job well.

Today was a tough day. I dealt with grief. I dealt with it in my client, and with myself, as this client was the spouse of my original client who had passed away. I'm honored that this person is choosing to keep me in their lives, and is allowing me to help them, in any way that I can. I was saddened because I can see the outcome, if we fail. There is only so much that I can do. While I will do whatever I can, they have to do their part.

I printed out a list for D to start focusing on at home for chores before he's allowed privileges like video games. He did everything on it today without question.
I asked my supervisor if we could open our program up to Single Dads and Grandparents (as opposed to just the Pregnant Mothers we've advertised), and he said yes. I asked if we could try to open up the avenue for a parenting group for my clients, and I was handed the manuals and training materials for a group facilitators. I asked if I could order more resources, I was told as long as it's before the end of this month (fiscal year).
I asked the Daycare manager if I could enroll for more ECE courses, and she said they'd pay for at least two this year, so long as I took the steps to begin the proccess.
I joined a Breastfeeding Committee in town, and am now in training to become a LaLeche League leader, as well as facilitating a Breastfeeding group until we're LLL accredited.
I asked for the opportunity to have clients as far as our program reaches (2 hours north) and today my co-worker asked me if she could refer someone from this region to my program.
I've been working for months on a manual for my program specifics, and this week the Prenatal answers I've been searching for fell in my lap.
I asked my co-worker (other half of my program) if she would be willing to switch days to accommodate me taking on another position in a different job, and she said "Please do, they're desperate!"
I got back to my office today from my difficult visit, and my co-workers cried with me. I asked for someone to listen, and they waited quietly to hear what I had to say until I was finished pouring my heart out. Afterwards they said I'm not alone.
Today a client told me she trusts me more than her own family.
I asked this week, and I've heard nothing but yes.
I'm thinking I should ask more often.

The Year

You know, I was laughing last year, at my friends who were hitting this hurdle. I guess it's their turn now.
I've recently been pondering the health of my family. I don't like what I see. There is a line of genetics that will be working against me as I age.
I could put this information off until I get older...but, I'm turning 30 this year. It's important that I start paying more attention to my health than what I've been paying it in the past.
I've determined, that I'm absolutely certain that the year of my 30th birthday will be the year change will be in place.
I've been in a genuinally good mood all week. Part of this is due to the fact that I know that I can commit to tehse changes, and that I've got a good idea of when I want these changes to take place and how.
The other part of it is due tot he fact that spring is in the air. Sure, there's still feet of snow on the ground, it's still brisk out, the sun comes and goes, and it can still get quite gloomy here...but that hasn't stopped me from busting out some of my more treasured outfits, and showing a new leaf in my office-wear to work. Mr. B is shedding like a son-of-a-gun and he's been restricted to a section of the house we don't frequent to lessen the allergic reaction portion of his year.
We had a parent/teacher conference w/D's teacher today. It went well. We've got a clear idea of how to address the insignificant issues taking place, and a clear idea of what we can expect when he starts Grade 4. We're excited that a lot more extra-curricular teams will open up to him. I'm very proud to report that he's currently reading at an advanced 4th grade level as well! With constant communication and a clear avenue of approach, I'm hoping that his journey into his tweens will leave us all a little less bumped than we've been.
D turns 9 on the 25th. This will (as stated above) officially place him in his tweens. I'm rather intimidated to ponder that I will someday be dealing with a teenager, and not this beautiful little boy who's here right now.
H is formally registered to begin K in the fall. I'm sad for that, but alas. I'll have two children in school in September, leaving Mr & I free to pursue full time employment.
On that note, Mr received his approval letter for his Permanent Residency. The next step is an interview in Kelowna w/Immigration, and then we shall be free of this proccess.
I've pulled out my sewing machine, and am planning a few small projects for myself. I'm feeling inspired, and I really do want my home to look it's best, so I'm hoping I can hold on to this feeling.

Bunny Stories

We have a family friend who couldn't understand why we chose a rabbit as a pet. They said "Rabbit's have no personality". I told them to spend more time with Mr. Benjamin and they'd see plenty of personality.
Since we got Mr. B. he's adjusted well to our family lifestyle. He was nearly wild when we got him, skittish as all get out. He's friendly and playful, and ruler of the roost. He adores Mr & D, and tolerates H & I fairly well.
D was adamant when we first received him that he'd never like him. They've fallen deeply in friendship. D can pick him up, (and does so frequently) and lay him upside down in his arm or lap, and Mr. B. closes his eyes in contentment. D can play with Mr. B for hours and never get bored, angry, or upset with him in the least.
The boys were driving me bonkers (read: at each other at every turn) one weekend, and after the umpteenth time of seperation, I told them to build something out of lego. D asked what he should build, and as a backhanded comment, I said "I dunno...build something for Mr. B.".
*BOOM* Both boys disappeared for what felt like hours. I wondered what they were up to, but I left them to their own devices, keeping an ear out for any possible skirmishes. The next thing I knew, all I could hear was wild giggling and laughter coming from D's bedroom. I went to take a peek, curious as to what was so funny. They had built a "cage" for Mr. B. out of lego, and were in peals of laughter over Mr. B's reaction. He was kicking it with his hind legs, standing up on his hind legs to bust the roof off, and throwing the broken off pieces of roof accross the room. They were all entertained, because even Mr. B. had fun, opting to take his time coming back and forth from the middle of the room to the cage and breaking it down.
Another weekend, the kids were at it again, picking on each other. I told them to go build a maze as I was doing the dishes. They asked me why. I replied, for Mr. B.
*ZOOM* They were off. Every once and a while they asked if they could "borrow" something, and slinked away. They were silent for what felt like hours, before, once again, I could hear peals of laughter & giggles. D came running out of his room, and demanded I come and look how smart Mr. B. was, dragging me back to his room behind him. I entered the room to find all kinds of items built into a maze accross his entire room. I was impressed by this, but what was even more impressive, was D placing mr. B. at one end of the maze, and watching him hop (taking his sweet time, with the occasional perk up on the hind legs to get his bearings) his way through the entire maze from start to finish. No treat or nothing, simply for the fun of it.
We watch movies together as a family often. You'll find us all piled up on the couch, a mess of blankets, legs & arms, with heads poking out for a clear view of the TV. Most times Mr. B. is right in there with us, hopping from one lap to another to get scratches from everyone, and spending time resting on us all.
Mr. Benjamin is truly a part of our family. There was a weekend, not long after we got him, where we were afraid he had run away, as we do let him out in the yard unsupervised (the entire surrounding fence has chicken wire along the bottom to prevent escape), and we couldn't find him when we checked up on him. I was surprised at just how sad this had made me feel.
I'm glad he's here with us. I'm glad we're open to having him be such a big part of our family lifestyle. I'm glad I can talk to him without feeling silly. I'm glad we've all attached ourselves to something, and made an effort to ensure that it remains healthy. I love our bunny, and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.

I'm feeling good tonight. No, it's not because I'm into a bottle of whatever's at hand...more just because I feel good.
I discussed my issues w/Mr, and have taken steps at work that I'm really happy with. I'm contemplating adding another job to my current list, but we'll see yet whether or not that will work out. I'm popping up for air while I'm swimming in training manuals, videos, and writing theory papers for no one but myself.
I'm looking at taking some time this year to continuing my education either with the Early Childhood Education, or persuing the field of Nursing, which has piqued my interest of late. The thought of persuing any sort of degree scares the hell outta me, because it means commitment in the long run. I know that once I start, I won't stop until it's completed.
I'm considering the future, which is a good thing. I see more and more how these periods are getting shorter and shorter. The dark moods, that is. When I'm in them it feels like forever, but them there's light from somewhere and I come out of it, and everything's okay again for a while.
I've arranged a ladies night tomorrow evening at my house. Invited a mix of all the ladies I know, and am really looking foreward to some good laughs and general ranting & raving that'll remind me that I'm not so alone in the universe. Just what I need!