Sledding

We decided to make the most of what little itty bitty amount of snow we had. We seized the opportunity to wear out the kids by doing some fun, hard work. We went sledding.


As you can see, there really wasn't much to work with, but it was just enough to have a sled load of fun.
Lots swirling in my head since everyone headed for home. Been fighting of a serious bout of discouragement. Searching for another reason to hope...grasping at the straws. Finding a reason to smile every day is becoming a great challenge, but I haven't given up yet.

Oh So Happy

I'm alive and well, having a fabulous time with my many visiting family members.
This is what my holidays are about, and it's difficult for me to express just how happy it makes me feel, without become extremely teary eyed. Mystifying how that happens even when there's no onions being sliced...
We've been playing video games, board games, card games, dice games...eating, watching movies, and just enjoying each others company in general.
As far as I know this hasn't happened since I left for Ohio two years ago.
My MIL bought me an updated version of then Encyclopedia of Body Building by Arnold Schwarzenegger (drooling over all the info in it, and pics), and my aunt got me an External Hard drive. I can't express just how excited I am over both of these gifts. Amazing, really. I also got some great leg warmers, movie passes, scratch & wins, smut magazines (you know, US & People), and a mini bottle of rum I fully intend to carry in my new purse, just in case. I also got some wonderful jewelry from my boys.
I've been cooking, baking, and cleaning like the dickens...but I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I mean actually smiling to myself when I do it, because it means I'm surrounded by the ones I love. The ones that are fully supporting me and my poor ass, moping, non-working ways.
I love my family, and I finally feel like things are just as they should be.
Our washing machine broke down the other day as I went to toss in some soiled blankets. Shit. Mr, being the amazing mechanical genius he is, fixed it tonight by replacing a belt for only $25. Seriously, he wonders why we keep asking him to fix things. I told him tonight it was because he has the ability to look up the directions and comprehend them to fix whatever needs fixing. He's so great that way.
I seriously could not be any happier, and these past few days will definitely stick out in my memory for a long time.

I'm so excited. The rest of my family members will be arriving tomorrow to help us celebrate the holidays. I'm positively squirming with excitement. Dunno how I'm going to sleep tonight.
I'm nearly finished my gift making. Just have one more thing left to make and it's a done deal.
Yay for holiday visiting!

Late Night Ramblings

How does one balance themselves? Do normal people come automatically balanced and know how to function in a normal relationship?
I've always wondered what it would be like to be normal.
You know, the type of folk who don't attract drama, who don't make hasty decisions, who aren't spontaneous, and who automatically come with a built in crises that's prone to erupting at the worst possible time.
Yes, that was a dramatic description, but you get my drift.
What would it be like to have a Christmas that I don't need to fret about because I'd actually have more money to spend?
What would it be like to have a vehicle that doesn't break down (I personally don't believe they exist)?

I took H for a walk today, as both boys were fixing to drive me bonkers. It was a misty rain outside, and we couldn't see town from the road we were on (unusual, because normally we can). We walked for just over an hour (don't worry,I brought the stroller) and he didn't stop talking the entire time. How is it that a 3 year old can possibly have so much to say that it can occupy an entire hour straight??
Darius gave me a hug and wiggled me from side to side, and when I gazed at him with a perplexed look on my face he said "I like jiggling the baby" "I mean belly!"
I'm stressing again. I really wish I could take some sort of class that could teach me a better coping mechanism, instead of having the stress I endure affect my body the ways that it does. This shit can get rather tiresome when the stress decides to make itself a permanent residence in my life. Do I breath? Do I rubb a pressure point? Do I say woosahhh?
I'd love to be able to eat without feelin unfomfortable. I'd love to be able to keep food at normal levels instead of fluxuating with the stress levels.
I know it may be bad to say, but 2009 was a real tough year.
If you think of it this way (and it was rather embaressing to admit to my Dr when I discussed the bodily issues I'm having), I've been in a constant state of stress since April. That's 9 months worth of stress folks. One big thing or another. I have to wonder when my body is just going to say "enough of you I'm going on vacation".
I need to contact Labour Standards tomorrow because I've yet to receive my last pay, and it was due before Saturday. I was hoping I could get away without having to contact them any further about anything. No such luck.
I hope I get a clothes shaver for Christmas, the sweater I'm wearing right now really needs it...

Sick

I am getting my ass handed to me on a platter.
I'm weak, my tummy is gurgling 24/7, and I can't decide whether I want to toss my cookies, or never stop eating. Did I mention I have a fever that's making me feel so cold that I'm shivering, despite all of the blankets placed upon me?
I'm sick folks. I've spent my entire day watching movies in bed or on the couch. I've been sitting fairly close to a bucket, and spontaneously dozing when I can handle having my eyes closed and trust that my world isn't going to flip upside down on me.
My oldest is sick with me. He missed his Christmas Concert because he's so sick. Fever so high his legs ache and he can hardly walk, he's lost his voice, and the Dr has prescribed an inhaler to help clear his lungs. I don't even want to admit how much his two Dr's visit cost me. At the current moment my oldest is only covered for Dentists visits, and prescriptions (thank god for that), but not actually Dr visits. We're still applying for that. Nothing like a bunch of sickos to remind you to do something of great importance.
All this and I still haven't found a replacement job. If it's possible to feel sorry for myself during this time, I surely do.
Trying to keep my chin up, thought it's rather difficult when the only way I can stay relatively warm is when I'm completely covered with only my little nose pokin out for air.
I hope this is the last of it, cause this makes it twice everyone has had this sickness. We sanitized yesterday, please just let this be all...

Good Day

I had a good day today.
It started with an appointment with a new therapist (that's a whole post in it's own, remind me, please), and was followed by a nice jaunt in the mall with a friend. As she happened to be an ex-co-worker we discussed the happenings, and then carried on shopping. I was glad I was able to help her buy the gifts she wanted without spending as much as she had originally budgeted for. I'd like to think it's a knack, LOL.
Whilst at the mall, I dropped off a resume at a place that does Alterations. It would rock if I got a job as a seamstress. I'm definitely crossing my fingers.
She came and picked up D from school with me, and joined me while D went for appt., and we got to spend an extra hour together while we waited. We even bumped into a regular from the cafe. I, of course, informed him he wouldn't be seeing me there anymore, and told him to give me his number because he was one of my fav's who had actually joined us ladies for a drink last weekend. He makes me laugh, and he reminds me of a big teddy bear (in other words, I trust him).
I'm really looking forward to spending more time with folk like this.
I'm making cupcakes for D's school, as his school Winter Concert is tomorrow, and they're having a bake sale. Mr will be making chocolate chip cookies. Keep an eye out for Handsome boy pix.
Mr is planning on spending his day tomorrow upgrading his Firefighting skills by taking a Bucking & Sawing Chainsaw course, while I do some volunteer gift wrapping at the local rec center for the Christmas shin dig we'll be attending on Thursday eve.
I dunno if I've said it enough, but I love being such a big part of my community. There was a time when I felt like an outsider, and after I had H, I figured if I tried hard enough I could work my way in eventually. I'm happy to say that I've reached that goal and then some, and I truly enjoy being in their company. They are all a joy to be around, and each and every one of them make me smile when I see them.
I had a good day today. And I really needed it.

Just An Incident

It's safe to say I've been simmering the events of yesterday, brewing and brooding and processing. After all that thought, I have still come to the conclusion that I did the right thing...for me.
I'll explain from both points of view.
They were upset that I keep breaking their dishes, and that I've been late this past month.
I'll admit, since beginning, I have broken more dishes than anyone else, but not intentionally, and it's not by doing anything different than anyone else...it just sort of happens. I've probably broken about 4-5 in the past two months.
I've been late this past month (not everyday, mind you) due to personal reasons, and I didn't share that with them. In fact, they really don't know a whole lot about me, or my family, because I chose to be professional and do my best not to bring my personal issues in to work. Unfortunately, I let the very issues I kept out of the picture, get the better of me this past month.
So, to the events of Saturday morning:
I was cleaning a table after some patrons had gone. I was moving a salt shaker from one table to the next to clean the table off, and it slipped out from my fingers, between the tables, hit the floor, and shattered (they're made of porcelain). I sighed, and said "I can't believe I did that". As I stooped over to pick up the bigger pieces the boss lady (it's owned by a couple) walks out, looks directly at the remaining 3 adult customers (they had 2 kids with them) and says with a smile on her face "She breaks a dish every time she's here", and walks back in to the kitchen.
I felt myself turning red all over, and tried really hard to hide my embarrassment. I was very close to tears, and wanted to avoid an emotional display, so did my best to keep moving. After I finished picking up the bigger pieces, I walked to the back to get the broom, and as I reached for it, the boss man came stalking around the corner and gets in my face to say "You can't keep breaking dishes!". I smiled, and was going to apologize, but he cut me off by saying "It's not fucking funny! If you're taking too big of a load back set it down and take them in two separate loads. That shit is expensive!" Then he stalked away.
Never in my life have I ever felt so demeaned, humiliated, and shamed by my employer.
Now, I finished cleaning up, and went about as usual, but by the time 20 minutes went by I was shaking because I was so angry. I requested a word with both of them, and when I got the chance, I told them "I understand that I break a lot of dishes, and you're more than welcome to take the cost from my pay (to which they both said no), but I think it was really unfair of you to declare that I break something every time I'm here (to which they replied that yes, it was an exaggeration). I also don't think that it was appropriate for you to swear at me for an accident." It's at this point where my anger could have shown in my eyes, though I kept my voice even. As I was standing, and they were both sitting far lower than I, I can imagine I may have put forth some sort of strong vibe, and the response was reciprocated. After I stated this, his response was "I swear, deal with it". I told them to have a great day, and that they could mail my last pay to me, and walked out. On my way he called out the door "We don't need that kind of attitude here anyways".
I was shaking by the time I got about 100 feet away, and was near tears. I had to pause to put my coat on, and dig out my phone. When I finally got to it I was crying, and fumbling for the stupid buttons to get it turned on because I had gotten a ride there, and was without a vehicle. I phoned home, and my Mr answered, and I told him to have someone come and get me because I had just quit. I walked to the meeting place, shaking, crying, and barely registering the cold.
Now, after all is said and done, I'm without a job just before Christmas, and to make matter worse, the Head Gasket is blown on our truck. I'm grateful that I started my shopping early, and have managed a few gifts for the boys that I know they'll like, but what the fuck am I doing?? Who, honestly, quits a job just before Christmas?
Now, they claim that I'm late 40% more than the other employees, but they didn't give me a time frame. In the first two months I was always 5-10 minutes early. It was only this last month that I was slipping. The boss man claims that seeing me come in late all the time just kind of brewed up to him bursting out at me yesterday. His justification for swearing at me is being irritated that I've been late.
Boss lady had been snarky at me all morning yesterday. I can't imagine what I did to provoke it, but at one point, when I put an order through (there's a comp on both side, kitchen & front) and she plated it, I didn't see he rplate it until it was up. It was then I told her it was a to go order. Her response was "You could've told me that before I plated it!". I was busy doing my job, and even though there's a special indicator on the board to let them know if it's to stay or to go, she still expected me to call back that it was to go.
In all honesty, there hasn't been a whole lot of friendly juju going on between us the past week or so, now that I think about it.
They've claimed I can still have my job if I want it, and they they didn't want to loose me. As far as they were concerned it was just an incident.
I'm standing my ground. Though it probably doesn't mean much to them, it means the world to me. I've let them know that that sort of behavior is not ok, and I'm walking away from a situation that could forseeably get worse.
Truthfully, after processing, I'm proud that I stood up for what I felt was right. I do not tolerate people swearing at me, especially over a silly accident that could've happened to anyone. It wasn't professionally handled by either one of them. From the day they hired me they've been doing nothing but preaching professional to all of their employees, and in the end they showed an extreme lack of their own medicine.
I'm disappointed, because I truly loved my job. I'm disappointed, because I looked up to them. I'm disappointed because instead of being able to calmy rectify the situation with a simple I'm sorry (as I surely said a number of times before I walked out), they merely pointed the finger at any place but themselves, and that truly shows what sort of people and leaders they really are.

The kind you can never put faith in.

Unemployment

I'm sad to say that I quit my job today.
I feel ill, and have that awful pit in my stomach, that I'm hoping will fade in due time.
I also feel sad because I loved my job. All that being said, I won't sacrifice my emotional well being for someone who has no respect for those they employ.
I'll blog about it later, I have a Christmas shindig at a family members house to attend. I just hope I can make it through the day without another embarrassing break down.

Friday Fill-Ins #154

1. Good times: playing Wii by the Christmas Tree lights.
2. I love my home.
3. Sleigh bells ring whenever I pass those fancy Salvation Army kettles.
4. I wish I could take the rest of the year off, just a little.
5. Once more I'm planning a fantastic feast when the rest of my relatives arrive.
6. Are you sad to see this year end?
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to doing some shopping, tomorrow my plans include working and Sunday, I want to enjoy a full shift at work!

Ah F*** It

It's been a long weekend.
It was an eventful week.
Mr is working his way through the small amount that is the acting world in K-Town. He was cast as an extra for a house party scene in a teen horror flick being shot in town. He spent Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday on the set in the evenings. Thursday night I allowed him to drag myself and a couple of friends along. They left before the shooting began, a full four hours after we got there. I was pretty tired and near useless on Friday.
The owners left town this weekend, and left us chickens to run the cafe. Saturday I officially lost it at work for the first time since we started. I was flustered and near useless again. I'm blaming a low blood sugar, as I hadn't really eaten before the meltdown happened. Thank goodness I had a fabulous group of co-workers to help me out afterwards. One sat with me and made sure I ate, one took care of the register, and one made the food. Each took turns checking in on me.
For the second weekend in a row, one of our boys is sick and throwing up. The only person who hasn't been sick in the house now is Mr. I'm hoping it stays that way.
Making a checklist of things to do tomorrow during the day before I head to work. Put up the Christmas Tree, decorate a bit, call a therapist and make an appointment, cut out what I'd like to make for gifts for Christmas, and possibly plan how I'd like to do our Christmas Cards for the year.
I'm tired, and that eggshell feeling has reared it's ugly head again. My coping mechanisms haven't really improved either, causing a fabulous rift in the relationship between Mr & I. I don't want to talk about what's going on, and I don't want to try and explain anything. The few times I've tried have resulted in me feeling so frustrated that it's not getting through that I just stomp away like a child. Yup...I'm just not up to the task to deal with everything that built up during the time I was focusing on myself. Unfortunately, the world does not revolve around me, as I'd like to believe. Also, it doesn't just stop like I'd like it to. There's no time to mix everything in the pot and let it simmer cause with what's poking out right now really needs to be dealt with before anything gets worse that it already is. And it's bad enough to make me want to function at a very basic survival level. I seriously don't even remember what happens during my day to do, I really only get up and function and go back to sleep.
Monday we're having a meeting with the Principal & teacher @ D's school. Should be interesting.
And the shit just keeps piling up. Here's hoping I can figure out a way to manage it all before I have myself a breakdown.

I'm thoroughly addicted to my phone. Might as well fuse it to my left hand. When I'm away from my Mr, I'm sending him quick messages, or pictures like this one to let him know what we're up to at home.
And tis the season where I can bake as many cookies as I want to and no one can say anything about it. I kicked this season off with my Mr's fav Buckeye's. Was surprised when I brought them to work and they disappeared in 30 minutes flat.