Clarity

You know, sometimes I feel like I'm a little fucking ant on a big fucking log, and someone is pointing a goddamned magnifying glass at me.
Let's look at amber, how completely fucking stupid she is, how little, I wonder if we can squish with our toe...
I don't ask for much in this world (at least I'd like to think so), but when I do ask for something, it's important to me. Really important, and if I don't get them (i.e. behaviours, phone calls, notes, mp3s :o), or even a hug), I find myself wondering why I even bother to ask at all.
I asked for something simple, live and let learn, and I couldn't get that. That says to me that I don't deserve the things that I ask for, however little or big they may be. That says that I don't deserve respect, even though I respect you.
I've had this conversation with many people, friends and family alike, and they understand that when I ask for something, it's actually something I rather need, more-so-than want.
I need to keep my sanity, to believe that at my heart, I'm a good person, because somedays, living in my world, it's very easy to believe that I'm just one big fuck up, and I can't seem to find the ability to do anything right. I can't seem to find the way to love, and be loved in a healthy, normal fashion.
All I've ever wanted out of life was to be loved, and trusted, and to be cherished like I'm special.
I feel none of these.
Funny how life works sometimes.
I feel used, and disrespected, and like I'm the object in the store window that everyone laughs at just because I can't get the things I want out of life, because I feel like I'm failing.
All I'm asking for is help to aid me in making a success out of the lives of my family. Sure, I don't like being in charge of it, but when Chance starts making a contribution, and I can take time off, maybe I'll take time off from the head, and face of this family, because it sure is a tough position to be in.

BBQ Days are here

Well, woke up round 8 this mornin, took an hour to get myself started, then look out! There was no stopping me.
All together, there's:
Ronnie (mom-in-law), Don (b/f of MiL), Niamh (cousin), Martin (Uncle & Ni's dad), Gramma, Ralph (Grandpa), Mom, Kim (Mom's b/f), Roger (Great Uncle), Cathy (Roger's wife), Courtney (daughter), Caitlin (daughter), Ali (Great aunt), Mary (great aunt), Paul (Kim's friend), Ernie (Kim's dad), Jean (kim's mom)me, Chance and D.
20 ppl total.
Plenty of food, and another person or 2 expected this afternoon, no relations, just friends.
Chicken, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Salmon, Fruit (blueberries, strawberries, grapes, apples, nectarines, watermelon), veggies (a salad, carrot sticks, celery sticks, plum tomatoes, cauliflower, broccoli), jello cake, chips, dip.
The majority of which I took care of this morning. I did up the veggies and watermelon, and made the hamburgers, and sliced up all fruit that needed it. Only took me 2 hours.
So, busy day.
Where's the excitement?

Yep...S'the Way It Goes

Well, after all is said and done, my hackles are still raised, and just won't seem to go down.
The Coast trip was nice, visiting with family, and seeing a new casino was exciting.
Slept both on the way there, and back.
Went out lastnight and won 25 dollars.
My truck is on the lam, hopefully all will be well once Don and Chance are through with it, cause it wouldn't even start for me lastnight. now it's running and such, but they're still trying to figure out the kinks.
Poderables...when you put things off, do they get worse?
I started chatting with another regular at the casino...kinda funny.
ToM sucks.
Especially when you travel with it.

Compact Cars and Goin Far

Who's bright idea was it to create compact cars?
Honestly.
Well, we got up this mornin, and started getting packed and such to come down to the coast (where we're at presently).
Left just after mom did this mornin, and got here at about 2:30. We stopped in Hope for brunch, which was great. The Home Restaraunt. Good place.
Over-all, I slept the majority of the way. Only because I get motion sick if I read or anything...and there really wasn't a whole else to do. So, got some good naps in, and both times I head at least one part of my body go to sleep on me.
yuck.
So...life goes on.
Am hoping to head to L.F. to go get Gramma and them on Saturday by myself. Would be nice to snag a a couple of hours in my truck alone.
I'm still really irritated at Chance about my truck...but, we made an agreement, so here we are.
Am hoping to snag Friday night out with Laurie, but we'll hafta see if I even have any money for it.
I was also hoping to catch the Casino in New West, and step inside, if only to be able to say that I've beeni n another Casino. I've been playing in the one in K-town for two years now, and still have yet to go to another casino, so it's become quite a big deal to me.
We shall see.
Tonight is dinner with the family, and hopefully everyone will be there.
I need to try giving Uncle Paul a call to see if he's able to make it.
Hmm...
Why is it that I can't resist cleaning other people's houses, but when it comes to mine, I hafta drag my ass to do it?
Funny how that works.

That one Pivitol Moment

I remember this moment with Michael...funny how it just slaps you in the face.

So Help Me God

I can't even begin to understand my inner working, and what makes me be the dumbest fucking woman on the face of the planet.

Canada Day Festivities!

Yes, we decided to brave the traffic, mass of people, and morons out there in general downtown.
We had some fun just wandering, and taking in what they had to offer...Children's section with bouncies, kids kareoke, puppet shows, cake, and lots of Characters for the kids to hug.
Darius met both Darth Vadar, and Chewbacca. His personal favorite. He also saw the Fat Cat from the Fat Cat Children's Festival, and some sort of Dinosaur representing something, though I didn't take a close enough look to see what it was.
We got some lemonade, we let him splash in the lake a bit, we walked around the floating stage, and just in general enjoyed the area and festivities before parking ourselves to watch the so called parade. Short, 2 minute blip with bagpipes, veterans, Canadian military units, Ladies of the Lake and Contestants, and the Mayor. Blah...waste of time, that was.
We then decided to find something for lunch. Kelly O's was packed, so we decided to hit up Red Robin's. Was perfect.
Had a good lunch, and after dropping off my friend and her daughter, we came home.
D is a touch on the cranky side...but I'm sure it's nothing a nap won't cure.
This morning I tossed in a chicken (whole) and veggies...and while everyone relaxes and winds down from today, we'll just hafta wait for dinner to finish off.
Dunno how long that'll take.
I bought this really cool visor that's white with a red canadian flag on it. It's pretty cool. :o]
That was about it for our day so far.
Tonight, Chance and I are taking D back downtown for the fireworks. Oh boy!

Sleep

Gosh...it sure feels good to have my first official day off of my vacation.
I'm quite perky thismornin, and woke up about 4 times lastnight cause I couldn't quite sleep well.
Canada day has arrived...and I'm so excited to get outta here, the minutes are just creeping by.
Did some of the dishes, got the dishwasher going, have the radio turned on. It's a relief and a welcome change to be up before the boys. Neither of them nagging me, or asking me questions, or needing my attention right this very moment.
Very relazing, I'm thinkin I could get used to this.