Cycles & Change

I made a pointed trip to the library last week with H on a day off that I had. I checked out what books they had on Sexual Abuse Survivors (a small amount, surprisingly). I've been browsing, reading, skimming, and skipping my way through them. Gathering information on what seems to be a usual process.
I keep flopping back and forth between "God why is this taking SO long??" and "I don't think I can do this", and "Ok, what's next on the checklist?".
I can see myself failing in the communication department. I feel pushing all around me, and when I don't want to move quite so fast or try quite so hard I clam up and run away.
That is my cycle.
When I don't want to rush something, and just take my time to deal with something and I feel pressured to go faster, I just stop.
I was pregnant with H, and my boss wanted me to work straight through until I didn't get a clear ok from my Dr. I didn't feel up to the task of doing my job as a home care aide anymore after reaching a certain size by a certain time. I literally just stopped going to work. I stopped taking her calls, emails, and snail mail. I just stopped. I stayed at home and slept a lot, and I didn't really get anything done.
While trying to work my way through my marital problems a few years ago I was feeling pressured to discuss a certain topic and rather than dealing with it I loaded it on the forget it pile and shoveled it away.
While volunteering for the PAC in Ohio, I was supposed to send out Thank You letters as soon as I received a donation from a company, and instead, I waited until just before we left Ohio to ship them off.
Obviously, I'm in need of a new coping mechanism. it's not my intention to shy away from things, I just sort of let it happen. I keep saying "I'll get to it" and then with each new reminder I just keep saying this to myself.
This is an emotional cycle that I keep dredging up, and I'd really like to change it.
I have, in the past, used physical cycles as well. Take the cheating behaviour I exhibited in past relationships and the rampant promiscueity.
I used sex as a tool to both temporarily make myself feel better, and to degrade myself. I did it dangerously too. If I had to count the number of partners that I can remember that number would be far too high for me to want to admit out loud. Add to that the number of folk who were aware of what they were doing while I was not, and you've got a significantly higher number. I did it because it made me feel special in the moment. That special and accepted feeling never lasted beyond their climax. I did it because it made me feel just as disgusting outside as I did inside. I truly wished I could match them up, and did my damnedest to make it happen.
By the time I had dropped out of high school in my 9th grade year (14 to you folk who don't get that term), I had a most horrendous reputation that led to sexual harassment in my own school halls. Word had spread about my behaviour, and the guys were always bugging me, not to mention their popular girlfriends. I gave up trying to fight people off, and instead decided to drop out. I decided to run away from the rumors, and behaviours, rather than stick up for myself. I decided to get as far away as I could...and then I met my 1st husband.

I've been talking about cycles here, and how I really just don't want to keep repeating past behaviours. While I don't see myself honestly repeating the behaviours, I can totally see myself trying to repeat the emotional cycles here. I'm shutting down, and diverting my attention elsewhere, which is kind of alarming, and sort of disappointing on the same token. I'm having some toruble working my way up to contacting someone for help. Come to think of it, I've always found it difficult to ask people for help (whole 'nother story).

D & Mr were supposed to be away for the weekend to go to Cub Scout camp but came back early because poor D was sick. It was the first time he was throwing up in his 7 years (he's don't it sporradically after motion or chocking) and he was kind of traumatized by it. I actually wound up taking him to the ER, but that was because all of the clinics were closed. He's ok, we figured maybe a swiftbout of food poisoning got to him. Sending him off to school again tomorrow.
Gotta find time to sit down and figure out what I'm buying ppl for X-mas this year, or maybe what I'm going to make them.
Distraction distraction distractions.

Havin Fun

Wow. Went out with some friends last night, after waiting since my Birthday to do so. Was so much fun, and I had a blast.
Met some ppl from Australia, and made some new acquaintances.
I've discovered that I can email my pictures from my phone to my email. Yay! I've been making do with editing my pictures with just the software on my phone, and I'm happy that I can now do it on my comp.
In any event, I was very happy to finally catch a break and find a reason to smile for a while.
Mr & D go off to Cub Scout Camp this weekend, and this will mark the first weekend where the cafe I work at is open on Sundays, which means I work straight through the weekend. I'm just glad it'll make this next pay decent enough for Christmas. We're planning a party at work, for staff and fav customers. Can't wait. I'm smiling today, despite how tired I really am, but I'm betting I'm gonna be bagged tonight!

Half Nekkid Thursday

There are things that I just love about my Mr. One of them is how he holds me.

My Basket

And now for a break from the dreary.
I've been trying my hardest (sometimes I have a shift at work) to make it to Okanagan Language Class each Monday eve.
I started taking these classes years ago, and always seem to taper off for one reason or another. I now remember some words, but have no idea how to make a conversation out of it.
This years classes have been such a blast to attend, that I'm really disappointed when I can't join in. I went lastnight, with my mom and H. They served two different kinds of stew, Salmon, and Elk/Deer Stew. Oh so yummy. After we finished eating, worked on some words, we moved on to learn some traditional techniques in Basket Weaving. Oh what fun I had!! I've always wanted to learn how to make baskets, and I excelled at it! We chatted with each other, teased each other, chuckled & giggled at our abilities (or lack, thereof), and just relaxed while enjoying the company.
I'm really working hard to make sure we stay a part of the community here, and make a name for ourselves that brings to mind respect.
Anyways, as I was weaving I was dreaming of the possibilities this newfound hobby could make. From survival gear, to harvesting aides, to fancy gift baskets for family and friends. *sigh* I wonder if I'll actually give it a go?

Pondering Friendship

I've been absorbing the events of the last post, and I've come to settle on pondering my perspective of friendship.
I've never really had a lot of "friends". I have a lot of acquaintances, but not a whole bunch of what I would consider real friends. The friends I do have are loyal, reliable, and true blue.
See, when I decide to call someone my friend, and actually mean it in that sense, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. I'd give them my last dollar and the shirt off my back, and have on occasion. When I decide to devote myself so much to one person who isn't my spouse, I expect that much in return. It sounds like a lot, but really what I'm demanding is that they be capable of listening, and to turn out to be worthy of the trust that I put in them.
I am an open book. As if you couldn't already tell that by the posts that you find here. ;o) It's true though, that there is a certain amount that I hold back from my blog. Surprising as that may seem, I choose to keep a part of me from everyone in the world.
At heart, I'm a honest, kind, generous, a perfectionist, and sometimes insecure person. I don't mind my insecurities, they remind me I'm human. All that being said, it took a lot for me to get where I am today.
In the years following the Scene with my stepfather, I ran through loads of people I was trying on as friends. Street people, homeless people, drug addicts, high school drop outs, straight A students, adults, kids my age, teens, boys, girls. I was spontaneous in who I chose to talk to because I had chosen to ignore the intuition that told me when someone wasn't worth my time (which I've always had, BTW). That got me in to trouble, and also led the downfall (even more so) of my ability to trust and have faith in those around me.
There were a lot of situations where my trust was betrayed. Trust that a secret I told someone was going to be kept, that I thought I would be safe if I stuck close to someone, that I could hang out with people who liked me, that I could leave my personal possessions with someone for a minute while step away and know it wasn't going to go missing. Those times I was proven wrong.
I know better these days, and am extremely wary of who I place my trust in. I know when a business person I'm involved with is going to screw me over, I know when a person my Mr is chatting with (through some new organization here or there) is going to take advantage of us, I know when I should just not talk to someone simply by the way they look at me.
That all being said, it's extremely difficult for me to make friends, and the ones I do make are for life. Those people make up a small core around me, and I know I can call them at any time of day or night if I need help. Seriously, only a small handful of people have ever met these standards.
I've often moped and moaned over why people don't meet my standards for friendship, and yes, even shed a tear or two...maybe out of frustration, maybe out of self pity, who knows. It's hard to go through life without a wide base of supports, especially when you're as expectant as I am.
There have been many times where I've wondered how some other people can be so lucky as to have a full address book of friends, a party that's always happening, and never be left alone on a Friday night unless they choose to be. I envy those kind of people. I'm also baffled by this ability.
So, this whole situation I find myself surviving right now leaves me wondering, if I work hard enough, can I gain the skills to be like this, or will I make the conscious choice to remain as reserved as I am now. It should be interesting to make the comparison in any event.

Remind me to blog about surviving.

Flashbacks Pt 2

**Usual Family Disclaimer**

I've been absorbing what my ex said to me lastnight, along with what old friend tried corroborate.
It didn't paint a pretty picture, and I feel that it could be true, though I really don't want to admit that out loud.
According to them, I always had my way. We partied together, we had fun, and sometimes...they pulled me out of a tough situation.
As far back as I can remember men were always predators to me. I've had a difficult time finding just one that I could trust. No matter which ones I chose, they could never be trusted...except one.
That one would be old friend.
When I found him on Facebook last year I was ecstatic, and phoned him the first chance I got to catch up on each other, and find out what was new, what I had missed, and to find a connection in the universe that I needed. He remains the sole man in my life (asides from my step-father right now) who has never betrayed my trust. That is a huge thing to me.
I've always hated when people call me beautiful, because I couldn't perceive it as anything other than a note of distrust, envy, or desire in their eyes and it has never been a genuine compliment to me. The result of spending time with folks like this is something I'd like to call it a death wish. It's a wish that people treat me the way I feel about myself. Disgusting, filthy, and just plain fucking stupid. I've hinted before on here about my feelings towards myself, and I can admit that they've always been there as long as I can remember, but after the scene with my Step-Father leaving, it rocketed out of control, and took me on the road to hell from which I've never fully recovered from.
That road led me to believe that I wasn't worth anything, to anyone...least of all myself, and my actions showed it. I drank heavily, and started letting the users in to my life, and eventually run it for me because I truly believed I wasn't worth saving. With that belief, I was also desperately looking for someone to prove me wrong. As cliche as it sounds, I have a hard time watching (but also seem glued to it once it starts) the movie Georgia Rule because it hits far too close to home.
There were a number of really bad folk in my life during this period of my life.
I lost my virginity because I got drunk. This was the first in a series of alcohol induced bad choices, and choices that were made for me because I had had so much I had passed out.
I was an unfaithful person. I was dating a guy and went to a party, and had sex with this revolting human being in a basement bedroom of an empty house. For weeks afterward he hounded me to sleep with him again, only in the light of day and sobriety, I couldn't stand to look at him. Still dating same guy, and we partied at my house, and a friend of his came over. B/F slept in my bed with me, and friend was on the couch. I'm not sure how it happened, but I assume I instigated it, we wound up having sex on my couch. I can remember going to parties and having groups of guys hound me. Touching me, trying to kiss me, hugging me, teasing me, all with the same goal...to get into my pants. I've been wondering for a while why that was. Truth is I've been hiding memories deep down so I don't remember them, so that I look like the good guy in the images I do recall. In my mind, I was an angel. It's become increasingly clear to me that I was not. It's really coming clear just how fucked up I really was.
There was a party that I went to with a friend of mine. I remember she was dating this asshole who used to get into fistfights with her, and I didn't care for either of them much. I went because there was going to be lots of alcohol, and as much pot as I could get my hands on. I don't recall what happened, only that they kept handing it to me, and I obliged by drinking and smoking each time it came my way. Eventually, I don't know what happened, but I remember we were outside (in the middle of winter) and her b/f was hitting me and calling her a bitch. I don't know how I got home, or what happened, only that I lost some of my items because I never went back to get them, like my winter jacket.
Ex told me lastnight that he pulled me out of there with old friend. He also told me with a sincere amount of passion exactly what he did to the folk who were there that night. After he was done telling me about that, he proceeded to tell me about the condition he found my body in when he got me home. The whole conversation left me feeling truly ill. It left me feeling ill because after he started talking, I began remembering what had happened.
When he finished talking, I told him I was sorry for all of the stuff I must have put him through. I felt horrible. I felt horrible because I know what it must have been like for him to put up with me. When we started dating, I asked him out because there was no one better at the time. It sounds awful, but I had wanted to date his best friend, and when he refused to give me the time of day because he was loyal to my Ex, I just gave up and went with my Ex. I wasn't loyal feeling. Often times I remember just wishing there was something better. It was a pointless relationship, and was just for show. While I did come to love him, I had no idea how to function in a relationship and continue down the path of distruction. So, he was just shoved to the side every time I wanted to continue. I feel horrible admitting that, because I know how much he loved me.
The purpose of this post, is the beginning of me accepting that I did what I did. Learning to find out why I did what I did, learning how to properly deal with the resulting emotions about what happened, and to say I'm sorry to those I've hurt.
I told y'all this was going to be a hell of a journey. While this is mainly about the past, it all connects to how I live, and function in my relationship right now. I'll get to that in another post. Right now, I'm going to go and have a good cry, and finish processing the bulk of this.