Ugh

I feel like I've been playing catch-up for a while now.
September breezed on by, and I survived it.
We moved from Salmon Arm back to Clearwater, and after a month of bunking in with friends, are now back into a place of our own.
My schooling fell through, and I am now attempting my back-up plan.
The kids are in school, and are making adjustments when neccesary.
I feel kind of lost. It was a great summer, but when it came time to shut it down, I feel like I got kind of hosed, because all of the plans we had made fell through. That's typical for us though. I guess that is a strong sign that we're making the wrong choices.
I'm working on being introspective, as I know there are a lot os things that have been bubbling beneath the surface of late, but I'm having trouble placing my finger on just one, or any for that matter. I don't feel right, or crazy happy.  In fact, I feel a little lonely. This is one of those signs I really need to pay attention to, and try my hardest to remedy. The problem right now being that it's Thanksgiving weekend this weekend. Everyone is busy. This is the time where families join together, and enjoy each others' company, or the ones you love share it with you.  We're not doing that again this year.  I believe this is partly what's bothering me.
Another part is trying to get myself to find a hobby that interests me. Sewing, for me, was always a favorite past-time, but it's been ages since I've sat down & actually enjoyed being creative for the sake of creativity. I miss that. I stopped taking photos long ago, and no longer find any interest in seeing myself on anything or in any shared moment.  I think a big issue for me right now is how I feel about myself.
Since having my plans crumble, and not being able to achieve what I had set out to do at the beginning of the summer, I feel rather lost. I had set a path in place, and it just didn't work out. I know I need to continue trying, or finding new avenues to explore, but I guess you could say I'm moping. I'm wallowing. SO not attractive, I know.
A genuine lack of inspiration, and a feeling of being stuck have left me in a state that I'd rather not be in at all.

Expectations

It's been a long, but short, summer. Ya know?
It flies by when I least expect it, but drags on when we need to go from one place to the next, and it's filled with UGH moments.
We've been active, busy, and have done our utmost to enjoy the freedom of the season.
Softball, swimming, hiking, exploring, white water rafting, movies, gardening, building, bonfires, baking and more.
It's amazing the range of activities we get up to when we put our minds to having fun.

Even though we've been busy, and we've had lots of fun so far, I'm ready to settle back in Salmon Arm, in my own home, and get ready for the new School Year.  Living out of a suitcase, after all, is rather difficult.

So, to sum it all up...this summer has definitely lived up to MY expectations so far, and it's not even over yet! Can't wait to see what's in store, but when I find out, so will you!

Glad We Could Catch Up!

Between the last blog post and now:
I have applied for, been accepted to & have begun my search for funding for College.
Volunteered as much as possible at my boys' school.
Gained new insight into my own personal strengths.
Identified goals that are important to me, and have begun the steps to achieve them.
Narrowed my expanse of personal expectations, and have come to accept that I may not neccesarily meet them all, but I will be a work in progress.
Enjoyed being a part of my local community.
Let my anger slip away, and have come to terms with what I've survived through.
Made some positive, life-changing decisions.
Taken a long look at my battle with depression, and have come to understand much more about the darker side of myself.
Celebrated my youngest' 6th Birthday.
Celebrated my Mr's 32nd Birthday.
Celebrated the life of my Father-In-Law on our first Father's Day without him.
Discovered that this loss was not only significant to my husband, but to myself as well...but for different reasons.
Made some changes in our home life to affect our family positively.
Attended a dizzying array of meetings, consultations, and groups to get a better hold of how I can direct my family into a more comfortable zone, and focus on the priorities that lay ahead.
Moved out of our house that we were renting, as we will be travelling too much this summer to actually live in it.
Started looking for a new place to rent, as I need something a bit closer to the boys' school to manage our combined schedules.
Hit the road with the family, taking a nice adventure for the summer.

I've liked to say, for many years now, that there is never a dull moment in our family. I've seen a number of unexpected surprises, and have managed to roll with the punches and make the best of things. This doesn't mean I'm the happy-go-lucky-cheerleader-type, but rather the optimist who chooses to see the bright side of things. I have found my strength in this to be invaluable. This has allowed me to once again find my place in my family as a piece of solidarity, and confidence. It has also allowed me to rely more on my Mr, and strengthened our relationship because of it.
Significant personal growth has been the result of the entire last 18 months of depression, and turmoil.
Somehow, I've come out of the gloom into a much brighter light and into a much clearer defined me.
This summer I will be celebrating myself.
Then, when the fall comes, I will be celebrating that I have finally taken a step for myself that I've put off for far too long.
I'll be sure to pop by & post some pictures along the way  ;)

Trying

Well, life is underway.
Mr has been working steadily with the local School District, after getting some final paperwork in order. He's also begun attending lodge here with the local Masons, and is excited to not only be accepted and welcomed with open arms, but to be sponsored to continue his learning within.
H is doing wonderfully in school, and as a reading assessment has been done, we've determined he's reading a full year ahead of his current age. He's got friends galore, and always greets me with a smile on his face after school.
D has made many friends in class, after months of our continued worries that it wasn't going to happen. His 10th birthday came and went with Spring Break. We hosted a pool party for him at the local Rec Center, which was followed by a Sleepover, with 6 boys attending. I've never seen so much food eaten by such a group!!  D was thrilled with everything he received, and is enjoying his new age.
I have signed up for A Human Service Work Diploma program at the local College in town. A 2 year Diploma, I'm currently studying for the tests I need to take to qualify to enter. This is the first step I've taken on my own to futher my education, and I'm very excited. It's not just something I saw that might be interesting, it's something I want, and without a doubt will obtain, come hell or high water.
I've also been hired by the local School District to sub as an Aboriginal Education Worker, whenever they need me. Truthfully, though, I'm not pushing the envelope to work there right away.
When I contemplate my journey thus far, I'm constantly surprised at how far I've come.
While I'm still suffering from depression, it's not nearly as bad as it was this time last year. Last year I was binge drinking round this time, isolating, and withdrawing. I'm reaching out more, filling my days that allow me at least one trip oout of the house per day, and have set my expectations appropriately for myself. While I'm not the clean freak I used to be, I still manage to keep a handle on my housework, and shed my guilt for not being able to do as much as I used to.
I'm still seeing a counsellor to help me work through the things that are there, and am receiving support from friends I've made through the school.
While life isn't great everyday, it's manageable, and I feel more normal than I have in ages. The suicidal thoughts that had dominated my brain for so long, I won't tell you how long, are so quiet I hardly even notice them anymore.
The sun has come out, and we've begun exploring the local area with hiking and driving. The kids truly enjoy collecting bits of nature while we go exploring, and have amassed a collection of various items since we started. I love watching their curiosity.
So, to sum it up, I'm feeling good, and life is moving along at such a pace, I can hardly keep up. But, at least I can try.

Spring Break

It's Sprin break for the kids. Spending it in Washington @ MIL's house.
D's 10th birthday is coming up. Scary. My baby is hitting double digits.
We "left" behind the game systems at the house. It's been nice doing other things besides being glued to the TV screens all day.
Kite flying, bubble blowing, DVD Bingo, Lego building, reading & crafting with the kids. It's been fun and relaxing so far.

I believe it takes a certain kind of person to fly a kite. I'm not one of them. D apparently is.
I got so sick of trying to keep up with the housework at our house ( still recovering from the post-illness clean-up) that I opted to just hit the road instead of having a stay-cation.
We went to see The Lorax, which I thoroughly enjoyed (despite not having any idea what it was about).
It's ncier to clean someone else's house than my own, LOL

Thought I'd share a bit of our Vacaion with you  :o)

As an after-thought...

Quick Update

Lots going on, most of it normal.
I've volunteered for the school's One-to-One Reading program, begun attending a depression support group, and have also started a relationship group with the Mr.
We've gotten a local Rec Centre family pass, the flu, new books & games, and had multiple visits from MIL & my mom.
Mr has started Fire Recruitment Training (All of which he learned in Clearwater) & attending regular fire practices @ his assigned hall.
The boys are great, with a huge mix of ups and downs, and struggles & triumphs. Recently, they wrapped up their Winter Rec Program in which D Cross-Country Ski-ied(sp??) with his class and snowshoed. H had ice skating lessons before the whole school (all 76 students) finished it off with a big day of sledding, skiing, snowshoeing and lots of outdoors snow fun.
H is now in swimming lessons with his class, and the whole school is getting ready for a Talent Show/Family Dinner Night coming up in March. H will be Hoola-Hooping, while D will be a part of the Stage Crew.
In case I forgot to mention it, I've had eye-lasering to repair the significant tears in both of my retinas, and have a clean bill of eye health, with scheduled visits to both my optometrist & specialist regularly to ensure any detatchment does not occur. So...no dog for me :-(
I'm making arrangements to go visit the doctor and explore any further diagnosis for myself, which could possibly include PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Clinical Depression. I am hoping that with a diagnosis, I will be able to have something to grasp at other than the straws that I hold. Thus leading me to further support & opportunity. We shall see.
Anyhow, plenty more to say, plenty to think about, but as it's bedtime for the boys, I need to scoot.

Lovin' It

The holidays were fantastic. They were relaxing, and the perfect time to re-connect with one another. Uno, Monopoly, Risk, Canasta, Scrabble, Go Fish. A Harry Potter-thon, a Spongebob-thon, and many many more. We didn't travel anywhere, we didn't have a huge dinner, we chilled out. Christmas morning we woke up to both kids in our bed, asking if it was time to wake up yet or not. When we finally agreed, both kids raced upstairs to the tree, and were ecstatic over the discovery of their new Pillow Pets set in front of the tree that Santa left just for them. They sorted gifts while I made coffee. Once we all settled in to our spots in the living room and they began tearing with abandon. This is the first year ever that they tore & threw and sprang to the next box. The living room was spotless to begin, and in the end we couldn't see the floor. Then it was blissfully quiet as the kids explored their new toys & gifts. I tidies us up and then we relaxed for the day. For dinner we ate Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwhiches & a variety of platters to pick at.
We had some fun, our house was a mess, and it was great.
We're into the New Year now, and I'm enjoying the small gifts life is offering me.
D got a great gift box that included a variety of tape & colored paper. Thia may seem strange, but he can be occupied for hours with a box full of recyclables & some scissors & tape.
He remembered his tap lastnight. It was bedtime & he started taping across doorways, booby-trapping them for us parents. He heckled & heckled before I finally gave in. He fell over in a fit of giggles when we finally did. It's SO hard to be mad at them when they're so giddy.
The night before I was trying to get them to bed, and they were giggling madly together. Whispering secrets, telling each other jokes & when I came in, I discovered them developing a secret handshake with one another. I repeat: It's SO hard to be mad at them for being such great brothers.
I was laying down with them trying to get them settled, when, once again, they were giddy & giggly. Without warning, they BOTH gave me a Wet Willy. I had no idea H even KNEW what a Wet Willy was.
My kids are great, and they're keeping me grounded.
I love watching them become better brothers.