Chemical Bliss

It is more apparent to me, that I don't function like other people do.
I've often watched others, and wished that I could interact like they do, or had the unconscious grace in the way they carry themselves...or maybe wished that I don't feel the way I do about myself, or the way I work.

I know my blog is dark lately, it's not as filled with random thoughts filling my head and entriesas it was when I stayed at home.
Everyone has those times...this is mine.

I know I'm still too hard on myself. I know I'm not working on the progress to surpass my upbringing. I've lost sight of the goals and paths for those for the time being.
I can feel myself gazing longingly at people who don't have my background, wondering what it must've been like to know value, self worth, and have people believe in you.
I'm a better parent, but I'm so far gone from where I'd like to be that it's difficult not to give up, give in, and just say fuck it.
Sure...I could be tired, over worked, stressed, in need of a moment.
There are times where I long to scream out everything in my heart, in my mind, and on the tip of my tongue.
There is no one I trust in my realm with all of those...and so I come here to let a little steam out, just so I can keep on going.

I want to drink myself to a stupor, I want to forget who I am. I want to smoke a joint, snort a line, and down a tab.
I don't see that I'm worth any fuss. I don't see beauty. I don't see charisma, or tenacity. I don't see determination. I don't see a reason.
I see that little girl, standing there tattling, and no one wants to hear me.
I feel alone, without direction.
I feel valueless.
I'm just here.
Why am I just here?
I don't want my children viewing me in this state, never have.
How long can this last? It's been months already...literally.
I want to forget.
I want to forget that I'm sleeping in the bed I made.
I want to forget that the only reason why I'm here is because I was too fucking stupid to walk away.
I want to forget unhappiness, and live in bliss.
I don't give a fuck right now if it's chemically made.
Someday.

For the time being, I'll keep my head down, and move on minute by minute, and pray the the next one isn't as bad as this one.

Clearwater Times - Grade 4s learn fire safety

Clearwater Times - Grade 4s learn fire safety
Look, it's my Mr!

On Turning 29

I'm officially 29 years old today.
I'm tired today. Mainly because I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning to play Super Mario Galaxy 2 (an early birthday gift from MIL before she left for Ohio).
It was a long day at work today, with a wonderfully pleasant surprise visit from my Grandparents, who decided to pop in and drop off a gift for me and give me a much needed hug.
This past Saturday, we ventured over to a friends' house for dinner, where Mr surprised me with another party in my honor, which included some splendid decorations, a made-from-scratch cake (the awesomest ever!), and the comfort of just being with people whom I knew appreciated me.
It was a lovely weekend, tinted with a twinge of sadness, because I've made yet another mistake.
My driver's license officially expires today. I've not the things I need to renew it quite yet, though I'm about three quarters there. This is due to me ignoring the issue, and from taking the two weeks off in the beginning of September catching up with me.
So, I'm tired today, because I know this is my own doing, and I could quite possibly lose my job because of it. I'm holding my breath, waiting for the worst, but hoping for the best...because hope is honestly all I have left.
So, I'm 29 today. I've gotten birthday wishes from nearly everyone I know, and I'm happy with that. I'm officially on my last year of being a twenty-something person, and this time next year will enter what I hope will be my more idealistic years.
I hope to god that when my 30's do arrive that they are gentler on me than my 20's were.