Ok, so I'm not keeping up on the blogging as much as I'd like but sharing a computer with so many folk makes it a bit rough to grab it at an opportune moment when we're not busy and no one's on the darned thing. So I snagged the opportunity tonight to catch up on Pic D/L's. They're posted over at Flickr. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a bit of time to relax and do a bit of catching up :o)
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wowee...We picked mom & Kim up at 12:something Monday evening, and of course had the long drive back. Almost wasn't ablle to get to sleep once I went, and the next day was a pretty rough one for us all as hardly any of us got any sleep, so we were all bleary eyed and tired. We each had naps throughout the day. Hunter was so cranky and tired he kept hurting himself, and he even pitched a fit where he did nothing but scream for an entire 20 minutes.
Dariuses first few days of school have gona smoothly for him, he says he can't remember who everyone is, but he's trying. He keeps saying he's getting into "just a little bit of mischief". He's enjoying the new routine that he's getting into, and we're slowly adjusting to not having him around for the majority of the day.
Hunter is beginning to get the idea that we're going to be going on morning walks, so I think a new schedule is forming. Hmm...
Hunter was tired again today, and pitched a fit after mom and I went out for breakfast (I was too lazy to cook, but I was starving) and the library. Right in the middle of the library when I said it was time to go he started screaming, and he didn't stop until well after we got home over a half an hour later. *sigh* I guess maybe this could be the terrible twos showing it's face? Two huge fits in a row, really unusual, and not like him in the least. Hum.
I'm tired....so tired...LOL
Yesterday we made off to Cedar Point Amusement park and spent the entire day (from 12 - 7) there having fun wandering around, checking things out and waiting for others to ride the rides. I could hardly move when we got home cause I chose to wear running shoes instead of something more broken in, and my feet decided that they hated the damned things. It sucked. Anyhow, had loads of fun, and even got mom onto a rollercoaster or two, and Kimmie even rode my fav one, the Millenium Force. It was raining by the time we left though, but the rest of the weather wasn't too horrible, not too hot, and not too cold.
Lastnight after getting home, and fending off the craziness upon arrival, and getting the kids to sleep, we went to Wal Mart to go wander...and the people who work there are just stupid. It took us thirty minutes just to get through the check-out, and it took about 10 to get someone in the back to cut fabrics. Silly.
Today has been abit lazy, and I have yet to shower, but I'll get to it before we go out for dinner I spose.
Everyone's been taking turns walking Darius to and back from school, which is a nice way to begin the year I suppose. I walked him for the first time this morning, and was just waking up from a nap when we got home.
Anyhow, we're keeping busy busy, and having fun each day. I'm happy to have them here, and we're doing our best to ensure they enjoy themselves.
I need to go and shower...blah.
at 12:29 PM
Friday, August 22, 2008
I am seriously grouchy. Oh my god, I love my husband but I hate it when he has days off cause he throws whatever stupid tentative schedule out the window and fucks everything up.
Anyhow, I uploaded picture to Flickr.
at 4:11 PM
Thursday, August 21, 2008
This is gonna be hectic.
I washed mom-in-laws car today to get some time in the sun. Wow, my back sure got tan, but my belly didn't...I actually ventured out in my bikini, and hoped that for the most part no one saw me.
The boys played in their pool, splashed around, rammed their cars into each other, and were just typical boys for the most part.
Had to take Darius to the Dr.'s today, I've noticed him complaining about not being able to catch his breath and his chest hurting, so I thought I'd seize the opportunity before school started and it got difficult to get around that schedule.
Anyhow, once we got there as soon as Darius opened the door for me we were hit by the smell of raw sewage. Eww.
We went down the stairs and there were chairs with other patients in the hallway and their office door was opened. I went in to check him in, and saw plastic on the walls, and heard dripping.
The secretary said that the office directly above them was doing some reno's (actually the whole building was undergoing them, and it had fresh paint on the walls) and someone somehow hit a sewer pipe and burst it. So, their poor office was being flooded with raw sewage. Not a healthy thing to be breathing in, as it can cause toxic fumes and the like. The poor office staff was on edge calling all of that day's appointments and canceling or rescheduling. Sucked to be them. We were one of the last patients to be seen.
As it was, the Dr. said there was nothing to worry about, and that he sounded fine and checked out great. He said we should be worried if he complains for more than 30 minutes.
Yesterday I had gotten up and out the door thinking his appiontment was for Wednesday instead of Thursday, and made the trip there for nothing, which made me feel silly.
Afterwards we went shopping for D's new school clothes with the lessened allowance from CTB. I have a hard time believing I spent as much as I did, and always do everytime I spend any signifigant amount on something that isn't absolutely needed. I could've gone to Wal Mart or something and gotten everything for at least 50-75 dollars cheaper...but oh well I guess. I still need to get him a new backpack, and some boxers, if they make them that small.
I'm tired...I just want to sleep, but when the evening comes around and we get the kids to bed, I won't be able to sleep, you just watch.
at 1:51 PM
Monday, August 18, 2008
That's totally crazy in itself.
Anyhow, we've got some tentative plans on what we're doin now.
Monday the 25th I hafta go to Cleveland to do my Biometrics with Immigration (kinda worried bout that), so I'm going to miss D's first day of school. Very disappointing. Chance said he'll be sure to take the camera though, which is a relief.
Monday evening of course, mom and Kim get here. Tuesday we have to stay home so mom can wait by the phone in case the Payroll replacement is having difficulties with his job, and we also have Speech therapy as well, which means I'll miss his second day...I suck.
Wednesday we're supposed to be heading to Cedar Point, which will be my first day of walking D to school, yay! Ronnie's gonna watch the kids while we go to CP.
Thursday I dunno what we're doin...hafta look it up.
Friday is supposed to be when we're havin the party for mom, though who knows who'll actually show up. I'm not holding my breath, I have a horrible track record with these things.
I'm so super duper tired and lazy feeling today after all the events of the weekend. I'm exhausted, and all I want to do is sleep.
Hunter has begun to talk more, he has now entered Me, Bye bye, Hi (though I've only heard it once), block, and a few others that I can't seem to recall right now.
Speech Therapy tomorrow morning, and who knows what else we'll get up to.
I'm so not ready for this week to fly by
at 4:26 PM
Saturday, August 16, 2008
First...I'm SO upset they pushed the new Harry Potter movie release date back from Nov this year to friggin next summer, what a load of horse shit! We want to make more money so we're gonna hold out on you, sorry. Bastards.
ANYways. I'm assuming that we're gonna be stuck in this stupid country for a long time, so I'm just going to give up waiting to see what happens and plunge into every possible volunteer activity I can.
We're both planning on joining the PTO (Parent Teacher Organization) with Darius' school, and I guess i could break down and call both Hospice and the library back, and place a call to the Humane Society (I think it's literally out my back door and through a stand of trees, I could walk there if I wanted). I'm sick of waiting on eggshells, just do it and get it over with, if I have to leave soon afterwards, it's not my fault, it just happens that way. I figure ANY volunteer experience will help my resume since it looks so bland right now.
I need distraction, something to really sink my teeth into to help me forget about how much my life sucks right now.
I picked up the Shelters of Stone earlier this week from my bookshelf and haven't been able to put it down since. I got some Piers Anthony Xanth stuff from the library that I want to read as well. I don't have the energy to be more productive to do sewing or anything, so reading will do for now.
I'm tired of being disappointed.
at 7:47 AM
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I'm sure it hasn't really hit me yet, the knowledge that I have no other choices left available to me to make my route easier. I mean, it's been made pretty clear.
On my to do list: hunt through boxes and dig out my old journals from when I was with Michael (my first husband) and find out my exact date of entry into the USA. Why? Because it could possibly (more on the more likely side) come up during my interview to become a permanent resident (or whatever they call it here, is that a greencard? I dunno...) here. I can get all of my paperwork through, slowly, but surely, but if I get through it all, and come out to the interview (the very last step) they could start grilling me about all the time I've been with Chance, and then bring up why I didn't file anything while I was with Michael.
Apparently anything I do right now is only buying me time, and the only thing (according to my attorney) that can make it move faster, and basically void everything else is to get my status. Once again, she is pushing for me to find my father (big surprise).
According to her, if it comes to them questioning me about my time here while I was with Michael, it could put me past the original bars that they talked about last time (the 3yr and 10yr)...and quite possibly put any crossing after that fact into me being permanently barred.
Though this is all pro-active stuff, and hasn't actually happened yet, this is a clear route at which this turn of events could take. I expect the worst, and I assume this WILL happen if I get that far. As well, if I were to leave now to move back to BC to make things easier, chances are that I may never be able to return to the USA...ever.
So, here I am, trying my hardest (and so are they, dear souls) to figure out which option would be best, and the only thing they're pinning their hopes on, is something that I don't even know is possible...finding my father and proving without a doubt in the governments' minds that I am more than 50% Native American.
For some reason the 50% is a big thing, and big rule...and that 50% could save me from any further trouble, but it carries with it a huge toll.
Up in Canada they don't say HOW INDIAN ARE YOU? They simply say yes you are, or no you're not. Plain and simple...so, how do I turn plain and simple to 50%?
I've no fuckin clue.
I've made no bones about it, I hate it here. Maybe I'd like the USA more if I could find a place that I like, or maybe I'd like it more if all those empty useless fucking promises had ever been kept.
I want a career, college, a job will do right now...I want all those things that were promised to me, and now are just being dangled above my head saying YOU CAN'T HAVE US BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A REAL INDIAN.
I want this nightmare to be over and done with, and just have a nice easy way of it, without all the hassels of border bullshit and stupid government agencies telling me I'm not good enough for their standards, or that my family is full of shit and just there for convenience. Believe me, if it were convenient I'd have nothing to complain about and I may actually be happy.
I'm tired of fighting this stupid fight, and am just about ready to give up because I just don't care whether I'm 50% or not.
I don't want your support, I don't want your encouragement, I don't want you to say anything at all.
I just want to turn around and leave everything behind without another word about it. Let's just mutually forget any of this ever happened.
at 10:02 AM
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I feel so bogged down today, like I've got weights strapped to my feet, and my head feel enormous. I'm tired, but in a good way.
I'm losing weight steadily with all of these walks :o)
I'm enjoying life, for the time being.
Have another appointment tomorrow with the lawyer...wonder what she wants to discuss?
at 7:15 PM
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Am working on our monthly letter today, or at least begun it...
Uploaded pictures from yesterday's BBQ. I didn't take a whole lot, and the only ones of me are from b4 we left, not surprising. I really would like to have more pictures of me without using a time, but oh well, I assume it's asking too much.
I put my finger on what's bothering me most about my friends' behavior. It's the fact that I actually need their support and companionship now, and they're not around. I was always there for them, I guess that makes them fair weather friends, and absolutely useless to me.
It's always disappointing to realize that about people.
I guess I just need to tuck my head down and deal with my shit on my own, as I always have.
at 8:05 AM
Saturday, August 09, 2008
I know, I've been slacking in the Hunter update department. This past month has flown by as we worked our way into a regular schedule of play dates and busy things to do.
We took Hunter to a speech therapist and they do recommend we take him, if only to aid us in speeding him along to the vocal world. They see no other problems with him at all, they find him to be quite a joy, really.
Hunter can say please, uh hm (no), um hm (yes), mama, mom mom (Ama), Daddy, Day day (Darius), Uh Oh, Owweee, Ow, Wowee, Wow, Bob (Bob the Builder), BeeBah (A children's toy/show from PBS that Darius likes and has around the house), Ooo Ooo (monkey noises), and all vowel noises.
We're currently encouraging him to vocalize more consanat sounds, and so far I'm taking the same approach as I did with Darius...basically I elongate the word, saying each sound and pointing to my mouth so he knows where to focus to help him mimic the movements and then have him attempt the sounds himself.
He grown so much, you can tell he's sprouted up and leaned out cause he doesn't have that cute little pot belly hanging over his diaper anymore. He's got plenty of strength in all of his muscles, and he's terrifically agile. I think having a constant model of agility and strength is really helping him along that way though, thanks to Darius.
After being questioned by the Help Me grow ladies about his behaviour, I really am glad I'm the type of parent that I am.
Hunter shows emotion, and sometimes it's strong, but I don't really consider him to throw tantrums. I guess we pay close attention to his needs, and when he doesn't get what he wants he knows why, and we usually find a distraction for him as well. Though he has a terrific drive of determination and persistence.
He shows great empathy for others, and always tries to give a hug when he sees someone upset, hurt, or crying. Everytime Darius gets a boo boo, his brother kisses him and gives him a hug to help him feel better, and if it's him who does the hurting he apologizes through sign.
He's willing to share his toys if you ask him to, and ejoys it when you do things to surprise him, it always makes him giggle.
I think we'll be attempting potty training soon as he's expressed that he doesn't like wearing a diaper and goes and hides when has to poop, then indicates he has a dirty diaper as well (as if you couldn't smell it, Oi)
Hunter is truly an amazing personality all on his own, and a joy to watch.
Darius has calmed down a lot since being in town and settling in. He looks foreward to the play dates at the park, and enjoys the time he gets to romp at will. I think at 6 I can trust him to romp without getting into too much trouble while I trail after his brother. It makes me proud when I catch him warning another child not to do something because it's dangerous or could hurt them.
Darius is a truly fine individual. He's compassionate, and a little excitable at times, but he truly enjoys being social! He loves to please, and does a good job (compared to some I've seen) remembering his manners and treating those the way he'd like to be treated.
It's sad that some people don't grasp that simple concept with their parenting.
We went to the park on Friday and Darius packed his own backpack with toys he wanted to bring (even though I usually toss them into the bottom of the stroller) and carried them to the park on his own, without even being asked to. Afterwards we went to the grocery store to pick up stuff for the BBQ (Watermelon, Milk, Whipping Cream, Cantaloupe, Honey Dew) and he carried his toys all the way back since the stroller was full and even offered to help me push it (since it was so heavy) when he saw me struggling with it up the bumpy sidewalk hill. He was calm in the store, and was patient (though he did get a bit ahead of himself choosing his treat) and sat and ate and held a nice conversation with me about the people going in and leaving the store while we ate our treat of dippin dots.
He's so amazing to talk to sometimes, he shows such depth and understanding it's almost frightening. There's so much to him sometimes it's hard to comprehend that he is such a young age. He had so much to say about the buildings we walked by, the people and cars that passed us, and the people inside the buildings.
We walked past a Babershop, and when he seen the low window and a tv inside, he popped his face close to the window to see what they were watching. After I shooed him away he said, "there were people inside that Babershop (he seen the twirling pole outside and recognized what it was before I told him) and they saw me pop into the window like that mom, that was embaressing".
I chuckled at that.
When we walked past the firestation, the firemen were outside washing the windows, and Darius said Hi, then told me the story of the firestation in Kelowna that he went to with his Pre-School class, what he learned there, and what activities he got to do there as well.
He had an entertaining imagination the whole way, pretending to be dodging bullets, and grenades, and marching into battle, and hiking for his life like he was lost, and stopping to check out new leaves he found (he had a bug container with him with a huge white caterpillar in it, so he stopped to collect leaf food for it), picking up random twigs and turning them into wonderful feats of magic, or finding bugs to stare at, pretending he was all sorts of animals, imitating things he had seen on movies and wondering aloud why they did the things they did in movies.
A childs mind is truly an amazing thing to watch and wonder at.
He never once complained about being on a long walk (2.2 miles, not including the play time at the park).
It's truly enjoyable days like that that remind me what a joy it is to be a parent, and how much I want my children to be. I love relishing every detail that makes me proud of who they are developing themselves to be. I love my boys.
at 8:09 PM
Uploaded pix to Flickr of the house, but only the upstairs so far...still need to upload and edit from today's company BBQ for LCCS (Lorrain County Children Services) for Rhonda.
Was fun, I made a watermelon bowl with melon balls, and chocolate mousse cream puffs. Both were super yummy. They had a WaterSlide (The inflatable kind you get from Wal Mart or where ever), a Badmonton net, Trampoline, Baseball diamond set up, Volleyball net, Cornhole, basketball hoops, a playset (swings, slide etc), and another game I didn't recognize.
To eat they had turkey, chicken, and roast Pig...plus all the sides ppl brought and some delicious sides they made as well. I enjoyed the perogies the most, but they were boiled and not fried. Still, it's been a while, for some reason they're outrageously expensive here.
Darius had loads of sun playing with all of the other kids there, and hunter really enjoyed his Ama & Don time.
I was a bit disappointed at the lack of parental supervision by the other parents, as these are the folks who are supposed to be our legal role-models. Court House workers, LCCS workers, other various organizations that usually play a dominant role in society, and no one seemed to be on hand to snag their kids if they got into trouble.
Was an enjoyable afternoon out, and I ate my fair share of stuff...probably gained the 8 lbs I had lost...LOL
at 6:09 PM
Thursday, August 07, 2008
H&M Breastfeeding Incident
and the most recent WestJest Brestfeeding Incident
Both stories are bothersome.
I'm lucky in the way that no matter where I nursed either of my boys no "official" has ever asked me to cover up, and I can honestly say I've nursed EVERYWHERE in public, restaurants, clothing stores, grocery stores, in airplanes yadah yadah. Sure, I don't see my boobs as being a sexual entity anymore cause they are primarily used as feeding vessels, but I've always had the comfort of my body to be able to nurse anywhere, no matter what anyone had to say about it. If someone wanted to gawk in hopes of catching a glimpse of anything, I'd say good luck to them. I'm a pro at being able to do it without being blatant about it, I even wear two layers of shirts when I'm going out so I can nurse without showing my tummy and still have the upper portion of my boob covered.
That being said, it takes a certain amount of finesse to be able to do it without ppl noticing. It's not something women are born knowing how to do comfortably (nursing, that is), but learning how to do it with confidence takes time, and it takes small steps. Nursing a child takes a lot of courage, no matter where you are, and for someone to do it publicly is an amazing feat considering all of the cards are stacked against them. To have to be asked to do anything special "in consideration for other people" is completely demeaning.
I have to wonder, if I were out and about and some bottle-feeding mother (and I mean no offense to them, this is just an example, kudos for their choice) was feeding her child, if I asked some "official" to have them put their rubber nipple away because it offends me as a nursing mom, would they treat it the same way?
I'm a passionate person and I do believe had anyone asked me anyplace to cover myself up to nurse someone, or the whole place would've heard about it.
We were given our right to nurse in public, we shouldn't have restrictions on how we go about it.
at 9:17 PM
Not too long now until mom and Kim get here. Still gotta get the Cedar Point passes and figure out what we're planning on doing.
Got mom's tentative schedule, it'll help us build something with it, thankfully. :o)
I feel a bit overwhelmed...damned hormones. :oP Should go away soon I hope.
Did some sewing today, finished the curtains for the bathroom, and fixed a pair of shorts that were too small by adding in a strip of denim from other cut-off on either side of the leg to widen them a bit. They look good. Finally got around to taking in some shirts that Ronnie gave me :o)
Hoping to have made a really pretty dress in the next day or two, but we're looking pretty busy for it, so who knows if I'll have time...lol
Playdate tomorrow morning, then gotta his the grocery store to get a melon or two for the company BBQ for Ronnie on Saturday...sounds like it'll be lots of fun, and I'm taking both cameras (since I have my batteries back for both now).
Got the airbed for mom and Kim to sleep on today, yay!
Anyhow, gonna make it an early night so I don't feel stressed tomorrow. Extra sleep always helps my frame of mind.
at 4:29 PM
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Just watched Felon with Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff. Wow, what a totally intense movie, but worth the watch. I recommend it. :o)
at 9:44 PM
Monday, August 04, 2008
I feel good knowing that I have a regular weekly schedule of play dates now. Things to do, things to keep us all busy.
I don't like not really having a whole lot of time to do the regular household things, but I relax knowing that it's for the greater good and happiness of the kids. It's ok, as long as they are happy.
This is our third week of regular play stuff, and it's nice to know that I have someone to confide in, and someone who can help me keep my focus on just how I want to raise my kids. No one ever said that having kids is an easy task, but it helps to have reminders of what I started out with.
I'll admit I've always had a clear idea (since we went to counseling while I was pregnant) of what I wanted my kids to grow up with. It's difficult to keep that clear path there, but it's nice to reinforce it as much as I can.
Like I said in earlier blog postings, I enjoy the fact that I now have female companionship outside of family, who also have experience with multiple children, and know what it's like to have at least one goal in mind for them, that they want them having a natural lifestyle.
It had never occurred to me that we'd have an opportunity to learn so much from one another. I've spent a great deal of time conversing with the other mothers and we've each given out great advice and tips on how to make life more manageable with kids. I know I don't give myself enough credit here because I always feel like the juvenile of any group I enter myself into.
Anyhow, the lady today was asking me so many questions of how I manage both the boys, and it almost surprised me to hear how she thought parenting would be. It's amazing how much we have the ability to trust each other when we only spend four hours a week with one another.
In any event, I always feel good about myself when I can say honestly that the things I try while parenting are a product of my creativity and most parents wouldn't think of it themselves. I try everything to keep my children happy, and even though they don't always get their way, they know it's not the end of the world and they move on relatively quickly.
I can happily report that we just don't get a whole lot of temper tantrums, and it's fairly rare that we get one in public...if it does happen, you know we're all lacking sleep. I think we're lucky that way. In any event, I'm grateful that when I say no, I mean it, and that I have the heart to follow through with any consequence I lay down. A lot of parents don't do that.
at 12:34 PM
Saturday, August 02, 2008
I find that I have this pattern, (I've noticed a lot of patterns in my life...besides the point) when I get stressed. I can manage the stress on the outside, and considerably manage it on the inside with breathing and relaxing and what-not. Eventually though, if the stressor doesn't seem to go away or fix itself it begins to manifest itself in my body.
I've been getting massive headaches for the last week. Ever since I went to the attourney's office last, I've been getting them. I haven't felt all that stressed...yes, something needs to be done about it and yadah yadah, but I don't let it bother me so much because I know things will work out in the end the way they were meant to.
Anyways, head aches that aren't there in the morning, but are building steadily all afternoon and evening until I can't take it anymore and it has the ability to keep me awake because it just hurts so much. I can feel the tension in my shoulders and neck and eyes and face.
I know sunglasses would help because we spend so much time outside I know I must be squinting a lot cause it's so bright and I'm not yet accustomed to the daylight without my trusty sunglasses.
Anyways, last night another one popped up, and I had a horrible bout of despair that lasted about an hour but really seemed to exhaust me. I decided to buy the cheapest bottle of liquor from the store and have a drink to take the edge off. It took a couple of drinks but the headache finally let go and I could feel my body starting to relax. Gosh. With the help of a couple of friends I finished the bottle off, but with loads (I'm talking 6 or 7 red containers full, this drink bottle I have that holds 3 cups of water) of water and lots of chatting in between.
I went to bed at 5:30 this morning, and got up at 10:30 and I can still feel the echos of how tense I was yesterday in my shoulder and neck muscles. They're still sore from it, but I'm really making a conscious effort to relax those muscles whenever I feel them throbbing.
Anyways...patterns. Stress, body internalizing, and drinking. My pattern. Hmm...
I wonder if that's why I dropped the 5 lbs or if it was truly due to the extra walking and such that I do with the kids...I'll not figure that one out.
In any event...to update on the INS issue, my attourney is pushing for me to apply for status either through my mother (as the law that was passed last year can allow me to) before she finds out whether she even qualifies for Status or not, or hunt down my father (IF we can find him, and IF he agrees to a paternity test) and apply for Status through him. Otherwise if they file paperwork for me as an Adjustment of Status, it could turn out that they will rule that I'm here unlawfully (I'm an illegal alien *gasp*), and could result in the banning of the USA for me.
The two main problems being, it takes F-O-R-E-V-E-R for Indian Status to be awarded IF I can qualify through my mom (which is my first choice for application), and god only knows how long it would take to find (IF) my father and get him to agree to accept me as being his daughter and let me claim Indian Status through him. Also if we managed to have to move back to Canada, we'd have some difficulties because Chance didn't tell the Canadian Immigration we were leaving and could possibly have been considered to abandon his filings (which had actually just gone through when we left), IF they let him back in, he'd have to begin his paperwork all over again, at his own expense.
Now, my main stressor here is not only does the decision seem to fall on my actions, but the thought of having to contact the sperm donor who created me brings me a terrible sense of panic.
I base my life and who I am on where I belong, and who I regularly have in my life and how they've affected me. I believe strongly that our experiences make us who we are. Now, I've been taking my time working through the events of last year, trying to figure out how that makes me a newer and different person, and how it relates to me. I haven't quite worked my way completely through it yet, and still consider myself deeply wounded because it plays such a huge role in how I act each and everyday...I mean who wouldn't still be affected, right? But, anyways, I haven't figured myself out from that, the LAST thing I need is to throw myself into a new crisis in which I need to redefine who I am by bringing in some guy who helped to create me (not to mention the family he may have) into the picture. I can honestly say right now that one personal crisis at a time is all I can handle.
Yes, life goes on whether I want it to or not, but I make the choice as to how much I can let myself go through. That is my line, my limit and I will refuse to put myself through it, even if it means having to turn tail.
My stressors with that is that I have that wonderful guilt addiction...so, in all, I don't feel so bad about the situation facing us, but about the decisions that I need to make to help them along a little better. I have stated my options and my last resort at which I draw my line. I wonder how much those boundaries will be pushed or tested? I don't know how it will turn out, but I'm comfortable with the knowledge that I know where I stand, I just can't let myself get so worked up about it when I feel the extra tension.
I love my life, regardless of which country it's in. I make the best of it in either place, and have always made sure not to make myself a target in any undue thoughts about how I behave. I can honestly say I've made a fair go of it here, and if we chose to move back (if we can) to BC...
A) we wouldn't be moving back to Kelowna, it would be some other place that's cheaper, and closer to the woods/mountains so Chance could pick up jobs in the bush as he wants.
B) Chance has openly admitted to being more unhappy with himself than with BC and it's ppl that we love so dearly, and is willing to give it an honest try to make a life for us there if that is what we go with.
The positive from all of this is that Chance has stated that he will support me either way, and holds no qualms , but eventually he would like to return to the western mountains.
I guess it makes it easier to go through everyday knowing that my husband won't hold any decision I make against me for whatever reason I have made up in my head.
But a patterns seems to be evolving here as well with our big decision making, and it's kind of holding me back, I don't want to do anything in haste as that always seems to land us in hot water and requires some family member to fish us out again. Eventually those fishers won't be there for us, and I can't afford for them to be lost on us when we actually really need them.
at 8:59 AM