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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

More Bad News

I'm sure it hasn't really hit me yet, the knowledge that I have no other choices left available to me to make my route easier. I mean, it's been made pretty clear.
On my to do list: hunt through boxes and dig out my old journals from when I was with Michael (my first husband) and find out my exact date of entry into the USA. Why? Because it could possibly (more on the more likely side) come up during my interview to become a permanent resident (or whatever they call it here, is that a greencard? I dunno...) here. I can get all of my paperwork through, slowly, but surely, but if I get through it all, and come out to the interview (the very last step) they could start grilling me about all the time I've been with Chance, and then bring up why I didn't file anything while I was with Michael.
Apparently anything I do right now is only buying me time, and the only thing (according to my attorney) that can make it move faster, and basically void everything else is to get my status. Once again, she is pushing for me to find my father (big surprise).
According to her, if it comes to them questioning me about my time here while I was with Michael, it could put me past the original bars that they talked about last time (the 3yr and 10yr)...and quite possibly put any crossing after that fact into me being permanently barred.
Though this is all pro-active stuff, and hasn't actually happened yet, this is a clear route at which this turn of events could take. I expect the worst, and I assume this WILL happen if I get that far. As well, if I were to leave now to move back to BC to make things easier, chances are that I may never be able to return to the USA...ever.
So, here I am, trying my hardest (and so are they, dear souls) to figure out which option would be best, and the only thing they're pinning their hopes on, is something that I don't even know is possible...finding my father and proving without a doubt in the governments' minds that I am more than 50% Native American.
For some reason the 50% is a big thing, and big rule...and that 50% could save me from any further trouble, but it carries with it a huge toll.
Up in Canada they don't say HOW INDIAN ARE YOU? They simply say yes you are, or no you're not. Plain and simple...so, how do I turn plain and simple to 50%?
I've no fuckin clue.
I've made no bones about it, I hate it here. Maybe I'd like the USA more if I could find a place that I like, or maybe I'd like it more if all those empty useless fucking promises had ever been kept.
I want a career, college, a job will do right now...I want all those things that were promised to me, and now are just being dangled above my head saying YOU CAN'T HAVE US BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A REAL INDIAN.
I want this nightmare to be over and done with, and just have a nice easy way of it, without all the hassels of border bullshit and stupid government agencies telling me I'm not good enough for their standards, or that my family is full of shit and just there for convenience. Believe me, if it were convenient I'd have nothing to complain about and I may actually be happy.
I'm tired of fighting this stupid fight, and am just about ready to give up because I just don't care whether I'm 50% or not.
I don't want your support, I don't want your encouragement, I don't want you to say anything at all.
I just want to turn around and leave everything behind without another word about it. Let's just mutually forget any of this ever happened.

1 thoughtful remarks:

Helen said...

I hope it works out. I know nothing about how to move into the US... just how to move into Canada. And I know even less about the whole "Indian" thing in the US, though I do know that they count how much percentage you are of a tribe and stuff (that you already know though). Good luck.

(*ahem* If I were you, I'd get back onto Canadian soil and never look back)