Uploaded a few pix to Flickr. Chance bought us Mario Kart for Wii, to date it's the only game I'll actually enjoy playing. I can actually win at it! It hasn't occurred to me to take pictures of inside things of late just because the weather is so nice outside.
On another note, I suppose because we thought we had a place it had to fall through for us as most things do. We didn't get it, or the courtesy of a phone call either, so I guess we'll just hafta keep on looking.
Am looking foreward to writing this month's letter...lot's of things to remember to add in.
Oh well.

I So Sad

Reading on Castanet about Chance's friend Dan...it's just a shocking thing to read that someone you know is paralyzed, and not something you'd ever think you'd read.
I feel for his family, and for him. He was a good guy, and it's sad that the shitty things happen to the good people.

I couldn't figure out

I was puzzled all week by the thoughts that seemed to be glued in my head. I kept thinking about last year's happenings and wondering what the hell I'm doing, and everything that goes along with it. Then it hit me...it's been a year now...the anniversary was this past week. It hadn't occurred to me until I last night. I feel like I've been seeing a bunch of red flags from my husband...staying up late to be on the computer (supposedly to do homework that never seems to be finished come morning), frequently checking for messages...a few other things.
I could be paranoid, yes, but can you blame me? I don't know what I'm doing here. I keep second guessing myself because I know my motives may not be from the best places anymore. I'm a damaged piece. I feel like I will always be paranoid when it comes to him. Not because I think he'll do it again (on that point I'm certain he will, only because I can't believe better of him), but I think he wouldn't tell me again (I don't believe he has either the backbone for it, or the respect for me).
I'm stuck in this limbo of wanting desperately to move on in my life, and being perpetually stuck.
I don't want to be like this forever...this is not who I am.

Almost...

The week is almost over. We ended up with a week with a full schedule, and almost a week with gas fill-ups everyday (scary). Monday night I had Hospice, Tuesday night I went to the UU Fellowship and did some quilting, Wednesday we had an appointment with a counselor regarding D and some more coping strategies with his anger and frustration levels (and her findings weren't entirely a surprise, more or less common sense and something I've been thinking and saying for ages now), and tonight I had a Volunteer Appreciation Dinner for the Hospice. Tomorrow night we're having co-workers/friends over again. Busy week, but fulfilling I suppose. Rhonda was over nearly every-time I had something to do to help with the kids, which was a great relief to us both.
Tonights festivities were very enjoyable. The theme was a Hawaiian Luau and I put on a fake grass skirt and a "flower bra" with a lei. The boys were dressed in matching shirts, and Chance dug to the back of the closet to find a flower print shirt for himself. It was enjoyable that we went to celebrate something I had achieved and we made it without any major melt-downs, no snipping at each other, were actually early, and we were rather pleasant the entire time.
I need to make myself a will, and a living will as well, and maybe power of attorney.
Tomorrow I'm hoping to finally plant all the seeds for my flower pots, and cut screening to cover the top o prevent birds from digging into them pots and eating the seeds. Hopefully I can squeeze it in between cleaning, school-work, sewing and the laundry I need to do as well.

Well...
I got bangs cut into my hair by a lazy woman...and ended up fixing them myself at home. pictures on Flickr.
Darius had a play at the church on Sunday, and he did amazing! They didn't need to memorize lines, but acted out what others read for them. He was a bit nervous (though he says he just didn't feel like doing it, and changed his mind), but he muddled through ok. He was a bit focused on the crowd, and came running off the stage at least twice (once for a potty break and another cause he thought he was done) and the second time when he made his way back up he started bowing before he even reached the line of other kids taking their waves (they didn't really bow) which prompted a big chuckle from the audience. Everyone said I had a star in the making.
It's going to be a busy week. Tonight I had Hospice training, tomorrow I have a quilting club with the church, Wednesday I see a counselor about Darius, and Thursday we have a Volunteer Appreciation Dinner.
Anyhow...I'm just glad I got everyone's letters out by a decent time. :o)

Thoughts on Dying and More

It's wild that I'm almost through my ten week training for Hospice already. The whole experience has brought about my own mortality, which I'm sure is going to be magnified once I actually am assigned to someone. It really gives one pause to think, how would I want to die? I've been pondering this over the last while...I don't trust my husband yet, but I trust him to know that if I'm dying, he'll do the right thing. I don't want to be on a respirator, but given certain circumstances, I'm a fighter. The only people who know me enough to know what I'd want in dire circumstances are my mother, and my husband. I want to be cremated (as I'm sure there's some sort of by-law against burying someone wrapped in cloth only without a casket). If possible, I want to donate my organs. If I die, who would my children go to? I don't know the answer yet to that one, I'm certain that even if I made a decision to that subject it would be contested in court by someone...my family has never been one to accept what I say as law...LOL Can't say I blame them, I'm not exactly the type who makes up her mind quickly.
When I think of death, the happenings of last year are always brought forth in my mind. When my friend said "I didn't tell you because I was afraid you'd kill yourself" I always have this feeling of spite rise up (if that's what you'd call it). I made a statement in my Hospice training when we were discussing grief, and I recall all the actions I took on several occasions, and what sticks out in my mind, continually, is "I'm alive today because I have children". My life will never be worth someone else's, because I am someone's mother (2 in fact).
Truly what saved my life was getting pregnant, and if it didn't happen, I would've found a more serious means of killing myself than the ones I tried.
I'm grateful that I have two children, and though it gets tough at times, that's really the basis of what keeps me going on the everyday front. They are the reason why I live so healthy, why I eat what I eat, drink what I drink, say what i say, and do what I do. They are the reason why I now belong to a church (though it's not typical by-far). They are the reason why I'm a better person than I ever could have been. Left to my own devices with only me to care for my road would have only led down more destructive paths, and I never would have found the nerve to better myself at all.
Someone asked me, not to long ago, why I stay with my husband. the question bothered me, and always has. Mainly because I've never been able to answer it clearly with a positive. The answer really shows my vulnerability, but that doesn't mean I won't answer it. I'm deeply afraid of never finding anyone better than the person I'm with now. If I were to sit down and make a list of positives that I find in my spouse, I'm not entirely certain I could find a whole lot that pertain to me, and the list would be even more dismal if I were applying it to myself. I'm deeply afraid my children would turn out something like I did in my youth, and that keeps me here. No parent wants what happened to me to happen to their children.
The answer more or less pertains to my own self worth, which has never been very high.
I keep wishing I had gone back and actually addressed those issues brought about by the separation of my mother and step-father and the way it happened at the time. I don't want to start that now, because that's a lot of years to work through...to forgive myself for. I never felt like I belonged in any Christian faith (or any other) because if I can't forgive me, how could God? What people see of me, is something that's not me. In reality I'm this little person on a world full of people, just trying not to be noticed. I feel ugly, and useless, and worthless, and used. I feel like a dirty kitchen towel that's been wiped on too many surfaces and hands that no one would dare touch with a ten foot pole. The only ones who would touch me are those who just don't care anymore, which are not the ones I want.
If I left, I'd have to work through all of that by myself, with my children witnessing the slow and painful transformation.
There's a horrible cycle there that truly needs to be thrown out the window, but how does one begin that sort f life journey? Where do I find the gumption? It's so easy to sit back and say I'm truly not worth that much effort because that's what I let people treat me as. It's easy to sit back and let all those negative thoughts that have truly ruined me as a person, prevail over any positive glimmer that sparks one's imagination.
I don't dare dream or hope at this point...it's been almost a year since my face has been rubbed in what's been staring at me all along, and I'm still too afraid to face what can't be denied. I'm still living day-to-day, and at some point, that has to change.

Uploaded some new pictures to Flickr...real cute ones.

What A Week (Last week)

I'm glad it's over.
It started with signing Darius up for a play for Earth Day with the church last sunday, which was nice. Tuesday we had everyone from Chance's work over for a Mario Party 8 party, which was nice. Friday night we had them over again, this time including chance's boss guy for some more fun as well as dinner.
Darius has decided not to do ice skating anymore, preferring to do everything else instead of.
Wednesday night I went shopping with Chance and Hunter. Had to get some groceries. Our food stamps card got reduced by about half, and I'm trying to make sure everything is stretched nicely. Though it sometimes makes for boring eating, that happens that way when you eat all the good stuff first and leave everything else for later.
Tuesday night was fun, though a bit harried to keep up with the boys and company at the same time, I managed. Everyone left late, after I went to bed with Hunter I recall. Wednesday, I can't recall all of what we did, but I think I went and bought some new shoes?
Friday was eventful where we had everyone over again. Chance was horribly snippy and made me a nervous wreck where I began to think that nothing I was doing was going to be enough...clean enough, enough to eat, enough to do. I hate that feeling, and I ended up telling him if he was going to be that way every time people were over to just stop inviting them.

Anyhow, they came over, we ate, and were bumming around in general when Chance says there's storms on the way. I tend not to think anything of it, and just try and be on my merry way, cause otherwise I get obsessed. Anyhow, a while later, after watching the lightning out the window, we see some guy driving by the front of the house with flashing lights yelling out the window with a mega-phone to "take shelter immediately". Rhonda was over helping me with the kids, so we got them lopped into the basement (which I'm sure couldn'tve been easy) and started shipping needed items down there with them. Was pretty hairy there for a bit, cause you can't really see anything until the lightning strikes and even then only for a split second. Anyhow, after I just panicked and stopped moving, the storms moved on from our area and left us with nothing to worry about. I fed us some more, and they played more Mario Party 8 (I'm so glad I suggested it to Darius), and then they went on their merry way, chuckling about the evenings events. God, was I exhausted afterwards. The next morning I felt like I had hips the size of texas they were so sore.
Didn't do a whole lot Saturday I don't think, cept try and clean up...
I started this blog on Sunday, but never finished it...hope there's not a whole lot I forgot, oh well, I'm posting it anyways.

Phew
Mom called on Tuesday to tell me my GST had arrived. What an unexpected Windfall :o). So, off I went, to shop shop shop until it was all gone.
I bought myself 3 new pairs of shoes, and Hunter 2 new pairs of shoes. Then I bought a bunch of stuff to play with outside. I got bubbles, and more bubbles, and more bubbles, and rockets to shoot, and a giant frisbee, and a coupla kites, and a new bug container, and water guns, and buckets. Then I bought 7 planters (the place I went was having a super cheap sale on them) and 6 bags of potting soil, and three watering cans (which I have labeled now with names). I hope to plant some flowers and a few vegetables again this year. Hopefully they'll turn out.
I spent about 150 dollars yesterday. Shame on me...but I was getting tired of not having anything to do really while we were all outside.
Spent some time at Don and Rhonda's yesterday, as the truck needed an oil change and such. Rhonda is at home until further notice, poor lady fell done some rotted steps at a clients house and is now home-bound. So, we dropped in and paid a visit.
Left D there while we went shopping, and when we came back they were playing outside. Yesterday morning wasn't too pretty, but it sure turned into a fine day, bright and sunny.
Caught a glimpse of Don's oldest daughter before we left, she was borrowing Don's beetle, and had popped by to pick him up for one reason or another. I waved and smiled, but I don't think I even got eye contact. Oh well. She looked a little more human than I had imagined...LOL
Hunter sits with me while a blog, whenever I do blog, and he looks at the pictures on the photo cubes that I have...and when he sees a picture of himself instead of trying to say his name, he says Bubba! It's cute.
Chance's friends came over the other night for a Mario Party 8 game night, and by the sounds of it, they had fun. The visit brought me about to the fact that i really need to go grocery shopping. I've been living without eggs for at least a week now, and just keep putting if off cause it looked like we had plenty of food in there (cause it was loaded with leftovers, which we picked our way through and got rid of the rest) until garbage day came. Now our fridge is full of condiments, and that's it. I was gonna go yesterday but I H-A-T-E the Wooster Wal Mart, I haven't even been able to find Graduates there. It's cramped, has crappy parking, and isn;t conveniently organized. So, I was waiting to go to Ashland for my shopping because they have a newer, nicer Wal Mart to shop at.
Darius has decided not to do his ice skating lessons anymore...he's just not enjoying himself cause there's other things he'd rather be doing.
Hospice Training is going well, and I feel like they're teaching Common Sense things to people who have no common sense. Some of the people strike as the you shouldn't be here type, but what can ya do.
Schooling is going slowly, and Chance has offered to pick up writing with Darius. I feel bad, because I haven't worked on it with him since we started. I have patience for the schoolwork, but not the writing. The writing is like gritting teeth, and I can't stand it.
I'm hoping to order some new photos soon...hmm, I should do that now.
Darius is in a Church play for Earth Day, he's going to play a Shrimp, and a Chief in a series of short stories to show our effect on the Earth. The Younger kids were enlisted to act out the scenes and the older kids are going to Narrate, so there's no lines for him to memorize. I can't wait.
Back to the grind

uploaded more pics to Flickr...will be doing that most every time we get great weather I suppose :o)

What If

It's strange, I figure, if you look at my situation from the outside.
Where am I after all that has happened? I'm still in the same place I was before anything happened at all. Stuck in the funk that got me here to begin with. Sure, we're in a different country, surrounded by different people, but other than those aspect, nothings changed.
I'm still sitting here, at my computer, typing to my blog, rather than sitting with someone having coffee, or seeing a counselor or therapist, or finding some way to distract myself.
Night by night, I've lain in bed wondering if I'm making the right decision in staying here with my family. I wonder if I spoke the way I truly feel sometimes (which actually ranges from self loathing, to acceptance, to content, to hatred of someone else), would things still be the same?
I was happy while my husband was gone over the summer...it showed too. I look at pictures and the smiles I had in those pictures showed me as relaxed, and truly content. Sure, I had a rough time adjusting to being the single parent, but I coped as well as could be expected under the circumstances.
I was struck down by tragedy. Tragedy that he claims was partly my fault...as in conversing with this topic always points to. Why is it my fault? Someone's always to blame. I feel like he didn't want want me because he didn't want the baby that was growing inside me, and yes, while I was pregnant, we were the same person. I felt that if that was the case, I'd rather beat him to the punch and just not need him either, and thus rejection began. I hated him for pushing me to get an abortion, for sticking around to make my life miserable even though he didn't want the child he had helped to create, and for degrading all of the parenting I had done for my other child thus far...not to mention the family aspect of it. Those feelings of his vanished of course, once the baby was born...but my feelings had remained, and I tossed myself freely into post-partum depression and feelings that I hadn't let myself fully course through during my pregnancy for fear of it's effects on the baby.
I'll state right now that during that time I'm not proud of my behavior. If I had been smarter I would've found someone to talk to...but as it was, I didn't. Or, rather, I did, but that person was no where near the type of person to trust with those thoughts, or feelings. I knew that, but I ignored it, and the consequence was really what happens when one ignores their intuition and personal red flags.
I've never been one to trust lightly, anyone who's ever known me could tell you that. Anyone who's ever known has only known a part of me, and never a whole. I save that for myself, because I just don't believe anyone could be trusted with that sort of responsibility.
It was really what I learned...that those people that I truly wanted to share that with were a little too misunderstanding to get me. Maybe I was sensitive, maybe not. Is that what turned me into such a cruel child? Looking back, I can remember certain instances that truly hurt, and certain instances where I truly hurt another, without even flinching. I truly was a cruel child. I wasn't nice, I was a bitch. I felt like those other people out there who were happy deserved to be trampled on, deserved to feel what I felt.
I've been pondering it for a while now...I felt betrayed, and left out, and singled out, and ignored. I felt like I didn't matter. I felt like what I had to say was useless because no one listened, especially those who should have. When I saw a therapist, I couldn't fathom those thoughts as a child. I just knew I was sad and didn't know why.
I went on a journey then...I hitch hiked up and down the Okanagan Valley, I willingly put myself out onto the street for a time because I didn't feel right at home. I put myself into dangerous situations, I tried everything under the sun to hurt myself and did a mighty good job of it.
When I came out of it, I wasn't the same...I felt damaged. Maybe I felt damaged before I went into it, and felt worse after I came out of it...who knows.
I seems that each time I have something to mourn I go into this destructive path, where on the outside I'm ok, but on the inside I'm lost. Each time I loose something, I loose myself.
When my first marriage ended, I became that bitch who was lost. I became something dirty, and used, exactly how I felt inside. I did everything possible to make the outside looked like I felt inside. Only, I actually did try to kill myself.
What saved me was getting pregnant.
Now, if we sit back an look at this picture that I've painted, we can see I've never really worked my way through any of my life's major happenings. I've more or less just tried, and shoved em aside when I was tired of trying.
I'm sitting here now, trying to work through myself, and find this mess of thoughts, of feelings, of memories. I know that what needs to be done is to work through those things before I can even begin to touch this issue. It's so incredibly frustrating.
I want to know, right now, if I should trust my instinct and leave. I want to know why I'm here. I want to know why I still feel this way after 10 months...I want to know how bad it's going to be on the anniversary, I want to know if I'm ever going to trust anyone again, let alone my husband. I want to know if I'll ever have the ability to make a friend again. I want to know if I'll ever feel okay.
I'm so incredibly sad, and lonely, and lost. I feel smothered, like there's a smaller and smaller space for whatever happiness I've grasped and clung to since I've left my place of comfort.
I always say I've fought depression all my life. It's true, but there's also been a big reason for it.
Tomorrow's another day...and all I can do is take it one day at a time.
If I left, what if I never found someone to love me? What if I wasn't as good of a parent as I am now? What if I were happier? What if I found that I am deserving? What if I was unhappier and regretted my decision? What if I just did the same old stupid thing again and actually succeeded in killing myself out of grief?

Spring Has Sprung!

Took the boys outside for a few hours today. A few pictures on Flickr to prove it. It was beautiful, warm and sunny with a chilly breeze that was welcomed cause we were running around so much we were hot. Spring has arrived and I can't help but think how boring our yard is without lots of things to do. *sniff sniff*