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Friday, April 18, 2008

Thoughts on Dying and More

It's wild that I'm almost through my ten week training for Hospice already. The whole experience has brought about my own mortality, which I'm sure is going to be magnified once I actually am assigned to someone. It really gives one pause to think, how would I want to die? I've been pondering this over the last while...I don't trust my husband yet, but I trust him to know that if I'm dying, he'll do the right thing. I don't want to be on a respirator, but given certain circumstances, I'm a fighter. The only people who know me enough to know what I'd want in dire circumstances are my mother, and my husband. I want to be cremated (as I'm sure there's some sort of by-law against burying someone wrapped in cloth only without a casket). If possible, I want to donate my organs. If I die, who would my children go to? I don't know the answer yet to that one, I'm certain that even if I made a decision to that subject it would be contested in court by someone...my family has never been one to accept what I say as law...LOL Can't say I blame them, I'm not exactly the type who makes up her mind quickly.
When I think of death, the happenings of last year are always brought forth in my mind. When my friend said "I didn't tell you because I was afraid you'd kill yourself" I always have this feeling of spite rise up (if that's what you'd call it). I made a statement in my Hospice training when we were discussing grief, and I recall all the actions I took on several occasions, and what sticks out in my mind, continually, is "I'm alive today because I have children". My life will never be worth someone else's, because I am someone's mother (2 in fact).
Truly what saved my life was getting pregnant, and if it didn't happen, I would've found a more serious means of killing myself than the ones I tried.
I'm grateful that I have two children, and though it gets tough at times, that's really the basis of what keeps me going on the everyday front. They are the reason why I live so healthy, why I eat what I eat, drink what I drink, say what i say, and do what I do. They are the reason why I now belong to a church (though it's not typical by-far). They are the reason why I'm a better person than I ever could have been. Left to my own devices with only me to care for my road would have only led down more destructive paths, and I never would have found the nerve to better myself at all.
Someone asked me, not to long ago, why I stay with my husband. the question bothered me, and always has. Mainly because I've never been able to answer it clearly with a positive. The answer really shows my vulnerability, but that doesn't mean I won't answer it. I'm deeply afraid of never finding anyone better than the person I'm with now. If I were to sit down and make a list of positives that I find in my spouse, I'm not entirely certain I could find a whole lot that pertain to me, and the list would be even more dismal if I were applying it to myself. I'm deeply afraid my children would turn out something like I did in my youth, and that keeps me here. No parent wants what happened to me to happen to their children.
The answer more or less pertains to my own self worth, which has never been very high.
I keep wishing I had gone back and actually addressed those issues brought about by the separation of my mother and step-father and the way it happened at the time. I don't want to start that now, because that's a lot of years to work through...to forgive myself for. I never felt like I belonged in any Christian faith (or any other) because if I can't forgive me, how could God? What people see of me, is something that's not me. In reality I'm this little person on a world full of people, just trying not to be noticed. I feel ugly, and useless, and worthless, and used. I feel like a dirty kitchen towel that's been wiped on too many surfaces and hands that no one would dare touch with a ten foot pole. The only ones who would touch me are those who just don't care anymore, which are not the ones I want.
If I left, I'd have to work through all of that by myself, with my children witnessing the slow and painful transformation.
There's a horrible cycle there that truly needs to be thrown out the window, but how does one begin that sort f life journey? Where do I find the gumption? It's so easy to sit back and say I'm truly not worth that much effort because that's what I let people treat me as. It's easy to sit back and let all those negative thoughts that have truly ruined me as a person, prevail over any positive glimmer that sparks one's imagination.
I don't dare dream or hope at this point...it's been almost a year since my face has been rubbed in what's been staring at me all along, and I'm still too afraid to face what can't be denied. I'm still living day-to-day, and at some point, that has to change.

3 thoughtful remarks:

Anonymous said...

wonder what it means when it's our children that keep us going in the day to day... there has to be something missing. What is it that we missed in life?

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Nietha said...

I want to be cremated too.

And I don't think anyone feels as strong as they actually are and we're always our own biggest stumbling block.