Saturday, January 08, 2011

2010 In Reflection

It's a new year, so I guess it's time to purge those thoughts from the last.
I've got a job which is challenging, and incredibly rewarding. It has it's ups and down, and it's possible (though, not very likely) that I could lose it come March (the person I took over for went on Mat leave for 1 year, but she has moved).
I've begun working in daycare, a field, which, at one point in time, seemed like a dream that I'd never reach.
I have officially attended college, and I'm eager to continue studying in the field I got started in by accident. That being said, it also refreshed my dreams of continuing my education in other fields that were once an option I had considered for myself.
I kind of fell out of blogging. I feel badly about this, but there is a point when you can only read so much moping without getting snappy about reading the same old shit over and over. While my life still has it's ups and downs, the past 7 months have made it increasingly difficult for me to focus on the positives like I usually do. I have survived a nervous breakdown, a scandal that could've hurt a lot of people that I care about, and issues that threw me right back to square one with my reflections and feelings towards men. I worked as much as I could to making myself take steps towards being able to trust myself around those gentlemen who call themselves my Mr's friends. While this has proven difficult, I have made progress to a degree.
I stopped HNT-ing. This upsets me, and really shows how much I've fallen off track with my outlook on myself. It's difficult to take pictures and see them as beautiful, when you just don't feel it. You really have to feel comfortable to take the shots I take, and I haven't felt like that in a long time. While this wasn't intentional, it's glaringly obvious I need to do some self evaluation to figure out what would make me feel most comfortable to get me going again. That being said, I'm also suffering from two broken cameras that will need to be sent to the manufacturer to be repaired before I can start again. I feel fairly ill-equipped without cameras, and am considering v-logging as an alternative...but we'll see how far I get in that venture.
I'm happy with my marriage. After 9 years together, and an immeasurable amount of tribulation, I'm content with how we have settled with one another, and trust my Mr completely. Three years ago I wondered if I would ever trust him again, and I'm happy to report that I am finally over this avenue of demise. We're both working...and have a friendly joke about it because he's becoming more "Canadian-ized" and making more than I am. Work suits him, and I'm glad he's happy with the position he holds right now. I do fear for his safety while he works and volunteers though, and this surprises me...I've never thought about how much he and his safety means to me. I fear losing him. I fear that he will be hurt, and I'm proud of what he has stepped up to be in this small town. His ability to give himself so freely encourages me to continue digging myself out of my shell, and his support has helped me to continue my own self-exploration. I can honestly say now that I do truly love my husband, and I don't need to voice a reason why (though there are many) and give it justice to anyone.
This year we're looking at actually planning and saving for many avenues of family fun, that we've never been able to consider before. This marks the year where things start going right for us. We've worked hard to make it this far, and dammit, I'm ready to see the fruits of our labor! We're planning a trip to Whitehorse for a family wedding, and a trip somewhere (we're pulling for Vegas) for our 10th anniversary. We have plans for a second vehicle, and a beginning to the rebuild of our credit. We are officially "making it" on our own. All of our bills are caught up (they've made the BC Driver's License look really ugly BTW), there's plenty of food in the cupboards, and our kids don't need anything...but that doesn't stop them from wanting ;o)
Life is moving on, and I'm finally ready to say that I'm a grown up. I like the way that feels. But, if it's okay with you, when I'm in Daycare, I'd still like to be a kid!

2 thoughtful remarks:

Kitten said...

Good to hear from you, Amber. I hope 2011 is a fruitful year for you and your family. :)

Osbasso said...

Hoping for much better things for you in this year. 2010 was a tough one for me too, but in different ways. Best thing to do is to look forward!