Saturday, July 31, 2004

Just 2 more hours...

All I hafta do is last two more hours before this fucking day is OVER. Do you hear me time?? I said O-V-E-R...and fuck you if you think differently.
Yes, I'm in a bad mood, mainly because I had to go to work today (even, thankfully, if it WAS a half day), and then came home to moving...still. I made all of two trips before Art and Marty got home, then I moved Kievs' stuff to his grandparents, and chauffered him.
THEN, when Art and Marty were ready (and when I had finished scarfing two slices of pizza), we went back to my place, and loaded up big stuff. That first trip with them was pretty funny, as they were in a fairly good mood.
I also made a trip over to storage this morning. I had packed until 12:30 this morning, and then came back to moms and crashed. I woke up at quarter to 6 this morning, and showered and went to drop off what I had packed up. I hafta say, I'm rather proud of myself. I packed up Darius' dressers, and my sewing table, and umpteen boxes. All on my own.
I have the bumps, scrapes, and pulled muscles to prove it.
Let's see...moving Battle wounds...I hit my head on the corner of the breaker box-box, then I gashed my knee when I was loading the dressers, I caught a sewing table leg to the neck, wolloped in the head from my fan, pinched my leg good with my sewing table, papercuts, tape scrapes, stubbed toes, blistered toes, scraped my leg with glass, and the trollies at the storage.
I was stupid and did all this with sandals on.
There was a bit of respite on my first trip after work. the trollies are basically just a slab of wood with four wheels, and a rope tied to the front end, and only the front two wheel turn. Kinda akward at first, but was quite fun once I got the hang of swingin it round in the paded elevator while I was riding on it. I kept thinking "I'm queen of the world! Hi Ho Orangey"
Was fun.
Damn it was friggin hot in that stupid storage. We had a unit on the third floor right next to the elevator, so it's easy to get to. It's crammed tot he hilt, and I'm not going to enjoy the hunt for my clothes, cause I know it's gonna be a pain in the ass.
Well, I'm feeling rather stressed, as I said. mainly because my husband basically abandoned me to do this shit on my own.
Met the new tenant tonight, and I was SO embaressed because I had to explain to him that the reason why there was so much stuff left was because my husband decided to go play in a softball tournament instead of helping me move, and basically left with only the minimal amount he could get away with.
His response? "What kind of a man leaves his wife to move stuff like this?" "I'm sorry, that just didn't give me a very good impression of Chance"
I felt like shit because all they did was look me up and down, and were rather snooty with me.
Gee, I'm sorry my fucked up life has gotten in your way...let me make it as easy as possible for you...I'm packing everything onto the back porch, and will keep coming back until I get it all, that way, at least it's not in your way IN the house.
I was so fucking mad when they left that I just started cramming and throwing everything into my truck...I felt like I wanted to cry, but that pissed me off more.
Why SHOULD I cry? I'm frustrated, yes, and I'm angry, and I have every right to be. Crying won't do me any good...I just hafta wait 2 more hours until this goddamned day is over. Then I can just forget about it...until my muscles decide differently of course.
My hair is greay, my face is oily, I stink, my feet and nails and fingers are dirty. I worked my fucking ass off today.
Chance called the house at some point in time, and left a message saying "I'm just calling you to see how you're doing. I'm beginning to worry that I shouldn'tve left, I shouldn'tve left so much stuff for you to do."
No shit sherlock.
Everyone I've told about him leaving for Revelstoke has said that that's about the stupidest thing they've ever heard of...and the majority of them said he didn't deserve me.
I thought we had taken a couple of steps to kind of work things out, but this has given me a whole different light on everything.


OMG...I spent hours lastnight packing, and packing, and more packing. How on earth did I accumulate so much shite?
Chance went to Revelstoke for the weekend. Didn't fill the gas tank before he left, and only managed to get some furniture out before he did so. So, when I got home from dropping him off/work yesterday, I was welcomed by the whole house, not packed up yet. So, my night lastnight consisted of throwing things into boxes and Garbage bags. I packed until about midnight, and when I stepped out for a smoke before heading to moms, Eric popped over, and we actually had a good conversation.
*sighs* Why do I put this crap on myself. I'm stuck with today to finish packing and moving to storage, and cleaning what I can b4 new tenants arrive.
I swear, I was in denial.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

What a Doozy

Is there like, a rule that each month (and only in a bad year) you hafta have one real whopper of a day?
Went to work, and work seriously blew the big one.  I messed up my site, and couldn't make it to the next site, and had a mental meltdown...
Chance says "He's finished...he doesn't want to do our marriage anymore"
Yeah, I had a lot to do with it, but it rather took me by surprise when he said it.  So, my day was f*d because my mind was wondering how this came about.
Isn't that funny, I've been telling him he can walk out anytime he wants if he can't deal with what I'm trying to do, and when he says he is, it surprises me.
Well, I can honestly say I really don't know which way I'd like these turn of events to take.  I know the pros and cons  of both.
The problem is Darius...not neccesarily HIM, but what could happen to him.
I was good though, and rather than bottling it up and keeping it to myself, I used my "network" and chatted it out to get some sort of clairity.  I talked to mom, Marty, Mom-In-Law...and a rather special someone who shall remain unknownst to everyone but me.  :o}
My thoughts on today are:
I'm stronger than I really give myself credit for, and I know I'm capable of anything I set my mind to...except making enough money for chance.
I know I'm not going to live my life, being someone else's problem, or living my life knowing that I'm never going to be enough.
I know my son deserves to see us happy.
I know I hafta keep working...

What I don't know:
Do I want to be with him for the rest of my life, or were these last 3 years a total waste, asides from Darius?
How long will it take me to find some place to live?
Home much longer do I hafta put up with this s*t?
How would I face another failed marriage?
WTF would I do if I had Darius on my own, and live by myself?

Guess I'd hafta get a dog...?
My head hurts, and I've almost smoked a whole pack of cigarettes today alone.
Guess what it all comes down to is, can I really see myself with Chance down the road?

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Chance's Stupidity

Why me?
I let Chance go to a softball party lastnight with his teammates, and then again today because they were having some games and such...
He came home with a wonderful story of his teammates shaving their jersey numbers into the back of their heads.
They pursuaded him to do it as well, but not before someone else stole his number and gave him a new one.
The number you ask??
I am absolutely mortified to admit that.
Now, after he shaved his head the first time ( yes he shaved it bald once already this year...and when he did so I told him he looked like a penis with handles, and he swore he wouldn't cut his hair until December), we're gonna hafta shave it again, at least partially.

Brag Time

So, with this cleaning job of mine...been working there for...I think almost two months now.
I had mom and Chance help me clean a place once...and I was SO hoping they would appreciate (not that they SHOULD or anything) what I do for an 8 hour time period in a day.  I could be classified as a labourer man.
Since starting with "Ginger's Girls" (what a mouthful to say to a ne client..."Hi, I'm amber, I'm with Ginger's Girls Cleaning Company"...say THAT five times fast), I've since been recognized as their most experienced cleaner.  I'm fairly proud of that, but it occured to me, that I haven't even been cleaning for a full year.  And I'M the most experiences one they have...?  Makes me wonder if I've learned that much, or if she just hasn't got the woman-power.
Anywho...I was all happy mid June because I thought I had negotiated myself a 1.50/hr raise so I could start training girls, but as it turned out, the cheap wench will only pay me that wage "when" I train.  F***  I should've known.
In any event, I've made myself a few good friends since starting with them, and am happy with this.  Though most of my co-workers are at least twice my age, we've become rather close, and I'd like to think that they're going to stay that way.
They call me "The Cleaning Guru" and are exstatic whenever I show on site, because they claim it's like having two extra girls.  I personally don't see myself as being fast, but I do pride myself on my thouroness. (sp?)

Back to Blogging

Getting ready to move...and thought I should start up again since I haven't had a blog in a while.
Though I have no mind blowing benders to post today...I can happily say I'm making it on my own.
Things are rather rough, but I am figuring things out as I go, so I figure there's bound to be mistakes along the way.
Anywho...trying to find a place to live has proved a tough task.  Hasta be safe enough for Darius, and nice enough for Chance.  *rolls eyes*  Yup, have yet to find something we all like.  Guess it'll come in it's own due time...or so I hope.

Not much for font selection here...hmmm...