Mommy Mania

Lovin' It

2012-01-07T00:35:00.000-08:00

The holidays were fantastic. They were relaxing, and the perfect time to re-connect with one another. Uno, Monopoly, Risk, Canasta, Scrabble, Go Fish. A Harry Potter-thon, a Spongebob-thon, and many many more. We didn't travel anywhere, we didn't have a huge dinner, we chilled out. Christmas morning we woke up to both kids in our bed, asking if it was time to wake up yet or not. When we finally agreed, both kids raced upstairs to the tree, and were ecstatic over the discovery of their new Pillow Pets set in front of the tree that Santa left just for them. They sorted gifts while I made coffee. Once we all settled in to our spots in the living room and they began tearing with abandon. This is the first year ever that they tore & threw and sprang to the next box. The living room was spotless to begin, and in the end we couldn't see the floor. Then it was blissfully quiet as the kids explored their new toys & gifts. I tidies us up and then we relaxed for the day. For dinner we ate Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwhiches & a variety of platters to pick at.
We had some fun, our house was a mess, and it was great.
We're into the New Year now, and I'm enjoying the small gifts life is offering me.
D got a great gift box that included a variety of tape & colored paper. Thia may seem strange, but he can be occupied for hours with a box full of recyclables & some scissors & tape.
He remembered his tap lastnight. It was bedtime & he started taping across doorways, booby-trapping them for us parents. He heckled & heckled before I finally gave in. He fell over in a fit of giggles when we finally did. It's SO hard to be mad at them when they're so giddy.
The night before I was trying to get them to bed, and they were giggling madly together. Whispering secrets, telling each other jokes & when I came in, I discovered them developing a secret handshake with one another. I repeat: It's SO hard to be mad at them for being such great brothers.
I was laying down with them trying to get them settled, when, once again, they were giddy & giggly. Without warning, they BOTH gave me a Wet Willy. I had no idea H even KNEW what a Wet Willy was.
My kids are great, and they're keeping me grounded.
I love watching them become better brothers.

The Gift of Sight

2011-12-22T14:48:00.000-08:00

What a ride this month has been.
I visited an Optemetrist recently. I had planned on getting myself a new pair of glasses for a Christmas gift, since I broke my last pair back in June, & have been wearing an old pair since.
I chose a convenient Dr who had a registration page that you could fill out & email online, then made my appointment. Their office was bright & treny, with a friendly helpful staff. I went through a course of tests before I went in to actually see the Dr. 3 different types of eyes scans & those air puffer thingies. Anyhow, they took some digital pictures of my eyes, and when the Dr came in to adjust my prescription, he examined me further. First he dialated my eyes, then did a further exam requiring bright lights & scopes peering eerily innto my pupils while I resisted the urge to blink.
He decided to send me to a specialist because he saw some shadows on my retinal pictures, and upon further investigation appeared to be what he feared were "tears" in my retinas.
He specifically said that it was urgent that they be repaired as soon as possible, and if it wasn't remedied, could result in a "detatched retina". Ok, after hearing those two words and grasping their meaning, I basically floated out of there in a wave of shock & made my way home.
They stated that I could expect a call in 2-3 days from the specialist to arrange an appointment. After a bit of a kafuffle I got in to see them yesterday.
I must say I dislike having my pupils dialated. It results in wicked migraine headaches in which nearly everything hurts. It hurts to open my eyes, sounds are amplified & echo, my muscles are tensed up and difficult to relax. It is a very unpleasant feeling.
After an exam from the specialist, the Dr stated that I had a "significant" amount of retinal thinning & tears/holes in both of my eyes. He also stated that it's possible that even with lasering to remedy the ones he can identify, it won't guaruntee that another tear or thinning spot won't just appear and detach my retina, rendering me blind. In short, he explained that this was an eventuality, rather than taking a "preventative measure".
It puts into perspective the gift that sight is. I'm grateful to see, and grateful for those things that I have witnessed. I'm grateful I can see my children, and enjoy the expressions on their faces.
I'm not afraid of blindness, and am completely certain that it would not slow me down in least. Having never had experience with the world of the blind, I'm unsure what sort of services or training that sort of thing would require. Learning a new way to read and write & such would be interesting...but I'm most grateful for the fact that it would allow me to get a dog! My very own dog, who would be faithful to just me!
So, I'll be going in to see the Specialist in two separate appointments to have each eye lasered, and was told to expect pain, for which I should take Tylenol before I attend. Afterwards, any sort of head injury that I could sustain, has the possibility of rendering me blind. I understand that it's an eventuality, and I'm ok with it. I'm worried about the when. I'm sure I'll come to grips with that eventually as well.
Right now, I find I'm afraid to close my eyes to sleep, for fear of waking up blind. While I know this is irrational, I also know I just need to work my way through it.
So, I'm enjoying my holidays with the boys, and living my life day to day. For the time being that will be enough, because I know that my proccess is slower than most.
Right now, I'm enjoying the gift of sight.

Christmas Vacay

2011-12-19T12:20:00.000-08:00

Christmas Vacation is officially here for the boys.We've been on a gamer kick for the last three days. Zelda & pretty much anything else that catches our fancy. The boys have also been building tunnels in their rooms for the hampster to go through out of Video Cassettes. All in all it's been quite enjoyable so far. Mellow, laid-back, & relaxing. No hectic schedules, no bouncing from place to place, no ill-timed meet-ups. No meltdowns so far, just a little spat here or there...nothing that a bite or two of food can't fix.I've done my to-do's on my list, eliminating summer clothing from dressers & storing them away, knocking out the mending pile, doing some planned & unplanned baking, & keeping the house in decent shape, despite all 4 of us being cooped up.I feel good this holiday season. I cannot express that enough. I hope that it shows when I'm spending time with the boys. I hope it shows when I'm cooking their food, doing their dishes, and watching them sleep.My EI runs out by the end of this month. Am considering applying for regular EI (as opposed to Medical Employment Insurance), or possibly enrolling in school. There's no time like the present, I figure. I also know another semester is starting Mid-January. We shall see. Could be possible I may pick up a part-time job or two to make up for lack of income.I've got some sewing projects I plan to do in the evenings, after the kids hit the sack. Some PJ's for the kids, a quilt for a friend, and a Domo hat & mittens set for the D-man.
I was hoping for some snow, but each time it snows it warms up the next day & it melts :o(
Lots on my mind. Mainly the difference between Shame & Guilt. Despite everyone's arguments, I cannot rid myself of the shame I feel over events that have taken place. This is the main issue that is
detrimental to my health. Working on it though. It's a bit tiring, as it means I'm going through everything again, over and over again, until I can convince myself otherwise.
I'm not ready for a full time responsible job yet, but I feel I can handle a part-time job that's easy to do.
I'm hoping the New Year will shape up better than this one did. Here's to hope.

Chillin out, maxin' relaxin

2011-12-11T11:48:00.001-08:00

Yep. We changed our plans at the last minute this week, and wound up in Clearwater, rather than Kelowna.A friend had his Birthday this weekend, and I figured if he could make it down to Salmon Arm I could make it to Clearwater for HIS celebration.Good food, good laughs, good sleep & chilling in a group full of parents & kids (some of whom stayed in pj's all day).When it came ot party time, most everyone we invited couldn't make it to the party, so we enjoyed some Mr. Bean & fanTAStic food. After the kids were booted to bed, we busted out the jello shots & the Wii-motes. Picture 4 adults trying to keep up with Michael Jackson's moves dancing to Thriller...heehee. It made me giggle so hard I almost wound up with a jello shot coming out my nose. Was loads of fun, and now we're just gearing up to spend the day on the road, meandering back home whilst stopping in for quick visits with those we haven't seen in a while.It's been a great weekend.I'm beginning to enjoy doing the things that I actually WANT to do, rather than the things I feel like I HAVE to do. It's a very rewarding experience.I'm in love with my family. Adorable boys who are brilliant in their own way, and a Mr who is making a genuine effort to be amazing.While it's true that I miss Clearwater, and the friends we left behind here, I'm not anxious to move back any time soon. It leaves me with a large feeling of non-closure. It feels like I have unfinished business here, and a reputation to rebuild for myself. I'd love to have a go at attempting this, but not right now. I'm still much more fragile than I let on, and I'm ok with that.I'm working on the difference between Shame & Guilt. I think once I've worked this out, I'll be able to start forgiving. Forgiving myself for getting into situations that I knew were dangerous, forgiving the assholes who took advantage of me, forgiveness for those who were supposed to watch out, but didn't. Forgiveness covers a wide scope of topics, I think. I know once I start it will all crumble, and I'll be a puzzle waiting to be put back together, only the picture will be much much different that it has in the past.I'm glad, after all is said and done, that I have friends that I can feel safe around, no matter what my actions are. I'm glad I have a family that loves me. I'm glad I'm here.

Staying Home

2011-12-07T21:34:00.001-08:00

So much floating round my mind these days it's hard to keep track of thoughts & dreams. Dreams are quite strange these days too. Which, I guess, means my brain is trying to sort all these thoughts out.I'm doing my best to avoid store-christmas shopping this year, and am keeping it to online purchases mostly. Not only is there more variety, but I feel it's saving me from impulse purchases that could wrack my bill up past my budgeted amount. I'm not buying for extended family, or even close family. I'm actually only planning on shopping for my household.We're not travelling for Christmas this year, but keeping to our own home & area. We will, however, be travelling for New Years. After I've settled down on those plans, I feel quite at ease with this holiday season, and much less stressed about it all. I'm not doing a big Christmas dinner, but something small and nice that will be compiled of all of our favorite foods, not just a traditional spread.This year, I'm making it about us.I'm working on small breakthroughs with my therapist. Small steps to acknowledge all that I've survived this past year.Lots to think about, and I'm glad I can manage it whilst we hustle & bustle our way through everyday life.I just need to remind myself to stop and ask for a hug every now and then.

What's Goin On - Jonah Mawry

2011-12-07T08:59:00.001-08:00

The myth of unhappiness - Attraction in Action by Karen Luniw

2011-12-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

The myth of unhappiness - Attraction in Action by Karen Luniw

Something to think about...

Suicidal Thoughts

2011-12-03T13:40:00.001-08:00

It's been a long week. I swear I'm suffering from "Sympathy Recovery", LOL I've noticed that when MIL isn't feeling too perky I'm right there with her, and when she's feeling unstoppable we're both able to accomplish a whole bunch.
Since being here I've gone to see the newest Twilight Movie, which left little hearts circling my head, and gone to the Okanagan Bingo Casino. That last one was interesting, considering they smoke indoors down here. Eeew, is all I can say. It was an hour before my eyes started burning and my throat was so dry I could only croak. When I left I felt totally saturated, and showered when I got home. It wasn't until this morning that I got rid of that taste. It was fun, in any event, but I found it rather small.
I've also been crafting with my time, crocheting, and weaving, and reading my way through Christmas magazines. I've got a few ideas of what I want to do with the kids when I get home.
I sure have missed them and their bouncy enthusiasm. Their Christmas concert, and their School Photos came & went this week. Am hoping I can make something small for the children in H's class for their Christmas party, but we shall see what I can come up with.
Lots of things to contemplate this week. Death & suicide & my mindset 6 months ago. The differences between those on the north and south side of the border, and just how lifestyles can cause such drastic differences.
I've applied for a job with the local school district, and gone through the interview, and was required to speak to some old co-workers for references. That was a wee-bit uncomfortable, considering the questions they asked me, and the pointed tones in their voices referring to my mental health at the time that I left. It truly left me wondering if I shouldn't just apply for those little jobs for the time being, until I feel like it won't be watching over my shoulder and glaringly fresh.
Yes, I had a mental health breakdown. Yes, I was suicidal, and I'm here in front of you asking you to employ me. Yes, I have unresolved issues in my personal life, who doesn't? Yes, I've sought treatment for these issues, and am coping the best I can with the help of my family and friends.
This past 6 months feel like I've lived a lifetime, and I'm assuming it will take ages to work my way through the events of the last 6 months.
Suicide attempts, hospitalizations, separations, searching for help and not receiving it, and my spiral into addictions I had assumed were resolved, and my subsequent re-resolving, the passing of 3 family members, reconciliation, finding the help I needed, and acceptance of the three things I need to survive.
In truth, when you see it listed like that it is a lifetime. When you see it like that, one can see that I'm starting over again, hopefully more aware from y experiences.
When I consider suicide, and it's ramifications, I can't help but think to myself that it's a justified state for some. For those who are un-save-able. While those who've passed on in this manner have saddened me with their passing, I find myself unable to be angry or holding them to blame. I merely find myself saddened by the loss and truly sympathetic to their plight.. I'm wondering if that's weird. Do those left behind in the wake of suicide usually feel that way?
It all leaves a lot left for me to ponder, and that's exactly what I've been doing. Silently, mind you, because I don't know exactly what I idea I want formed until I've sorted it all through.
All in all it's been quite the ride so far, and it's working it's way back to what would resemble normal for me. It all leaves me wondering what normal is too, but that's a question for another day, I think.

Two Lesbians Raised A Baby And This Is What They Got

2011-11-30T22:26:00.000-08:00

Two Lesbians Raised A Baby And This Is What They Got

That's My Answer

2011-11-30T09:57:00.001-08:00

Indigo @ That's My Answer asks:

Where are you selfish?

I am most selfish about sleep. I am a bit of a restless sleeper, and an over-achiever, so I snag a nap if I'm feeling too run down. I enjoy sleep, a lot. I nap in one hour increments and like to take my time getting up by hitting the snooze button twice and stretching in between.

Christmas Wind Up

2011-11-29T09:24:00.001-08:00

Coffee is good.
Am staying w/MIL this week, and got a big bed all to myself.
We came down for the USA Thanksgiving, and wound up with just Canadians at the dinner table, which is kinda funny when you think about it. A big amount of food, and a crazy amount of fun, we had dinner while my MIL was in hospital undergoing a procedure to remove her Gall Bladder. Once the festivities ended and all those who joined us went home, I stayed behind to ensure MIL would be comfortable.
I am catching up on sleep, working on small craft projects and occupying my time by reading the news, interestingly enough.
I am making Christmas Garland out of pop can tabs for my tree's at home (of which I have 4. A 7ft, 2x3ft, and a 12in), and am teaching myself to crochet again, and working my way through a couple of magazines I bought for myself. Am contemplating buying some more crafty items just to keep myself afloat and quite busy. Methinks I'm enjoying my favorite chair just a little bit too much, lol.
I am forever amazed at just how ridiculous some people are here, and just how far their ignorance and close-mindedness can take them. I made a minor booboo by forgetting to get a larger refill on my meds, and am now scrambling to find a suitable place to get them refilled, but will unfortunately be required to take a drive back up to cross the border and get them from the nearest border town. Hmm, interesting. Won't be doing that again.
Anyhow, have been busy. I'm beginning to wonder if that's on purpose. Am I avoiding any unresolved issues by keeping myself super busy? It could possibly be. Honestly though, what normal person would want to deal with my issues. It will eventually get dealt with, I'm not that great a procrastinator, I don't think.
So, am sitting back and relaxing, and enjoying the quiet, but am also thinking of my boys and remembering what a good time they had this weekend with friends and family. Games were played, movies & tv shows watched, Hide & Seek won and lost, plus hours of Twister & Hopscotch and secret giggles behind the furniture by all children. They trule do make the holiday, I'm finding.
Gearing up for Christmas now, let's hope it's a good one.

LOVE it :oD

2011-11-15T07:58:00.001-08:00

That's My Answer

2011-11-14T12:54:00.001-08:00

Indigo @ That's My Answer asks:
My husband has a man cave, it’s where all his video games are and I liken it to a woman’s sewing or craft room. Does your man have a man cave?

He's putting his together slowly but surely. Expected improvements to come by Christmas are a larger tv with sattelite and some new video games + controllers. He also has a small "workshop" in our storage room in the basement where he works on his chainsaws.

We've gone for about two years now without cable or sattelite in our home, enjoying movies & Netflix immensely. We have a large DVD collection, and also borrow frequently from our local libraries. With it being Hockey season, and me taking more of an interest in it, I'm hoping to gain sattelite access or possibly something from online that will allow me to watch ALL Vancouver Canucks games in the near future.
Hopefully we'll be getting some new group player games & controllers to go with our game systems soon as well. I'm hoping, also, to collect video game systems to add to our already large stash.
On a side note, I think it would be wonderful to add to Mr's tool collection. Is that weird?

2011-11-11T17:01:00.001-08:00

Finally, a weekend that I get to spend in my own home!
I've been suffering from strange dreams. Dreams about sex, about people, about friends I've not seen in years, about places I can barely recall the particulars of. It would seem I'm surring from another bout of remembering.
This means that I'm remembering more than I care to.
I've got a feeling of blah. I'm shutting it down because to struggle my way through the feelings related to those memories is just too difficult with all that is going on in our family right now. I often wonder to myself just what consitutes as good timing. LOL When is it best to relive those memories? When it is safest?
I've been finding myself sporradically crying, and randomly freezing because something triggered me and I'm reliving it inside myself, but no one else knows what's going on. This means I've been getting worried glances and plenty of "are you ok?" 's from the Mr. It's difficult to explain when all I want to do is forget. I just don't think I possess the strength right at this particular time, given the battle we're already in.
Unfortunately, this also means that I've been shutting down more frequently. A case of avoidance. Not good when children demand attention from you, and can tell when you're not there. I zone, I tune out, I glaze over, disconnect. My actual self is up in the air, right behind me, watching over my shoulder.
Quite honestly, there's SO much going on, I just don't want to deal with any of it. But, life goes on, and I'm doing the best I can to unload each week, and make sure I rest when I can.
I do believe when this weekend is over, I'll have more phone calls and appointments to make.

And There It Goes!

2011-11-08T12:02:00.000-08:00

I finally got my hair cut. After having it cut, the length of hair I donated was 14 inches. Holy schmoly! No wonder it kept getting in the way! ;-)

It's a bit strange to have such short hair now. At first i didn't care for how short the lady cut it, but it's rather comfortable now, and I quite enjoy it.
I'm losing track of how many times I've donated my hair now, anyone out there keeping count for me?

Whew, Thank Goodness THAT's done!

2011-11-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, that was a busy October! Thanksgiving, a surprise Birthday Party, a weekend in Washington, a passing in the family, a Halloween bash in Clearwater. It just doesn't stop!
I'll start with my birthday weekend. It was wonderful that I had a small handful of friends and family join us for a weekend surprise party. I felt totally schmo-ish with the outfit I was in, but at least I was showered ;-) Card Games, Food & Movies, my kinda weekend.
The week following we got word that another family member had passed on. With this we took off to Washington. This news was devastating, and enough to throw us into schock for at least another week. Once the shock wore off a bit we were able to proccess our thoughts on the situation, and put our feelings into words. This included the action we will take in the wake, and I'm asking everyone to cross their fingers that this proccess will go quickly, and that the person we feel is responsible will be brought to justice.
We spent this last weekend in Clearwater with friends, and joined in on another birthday party/Halloween party. I slaved for four days on my costume (a modest belly dancer), and in the end won first prize at the party :oD
The kids had a blast in their first ever store-bought Halloween Costumes. They loved them so much it was difficult getting them out of them so I could wash them (after 3 nights sleeping in them I put my foot down) and mend them (tears happen easily in store-bought stuff). Instead of a costume party at school, they had a "Black & Orange" day. It was fun watchign the kids participate in all of the games, and helping out the teachers with each one. It was quieter than I expected at home while handing out candy. I'm thinkin next year I'll go with votive candles for my jar luminaries as well, rather than tea lights as they'll be easier to light.
This coming weekend we're headed to Kelowna to enjoy a weekend with family to celebrate our 10th Anniversary. Yikes, not really sure how that happened, but really feels like I blinked & missed it. Good thing I've blogged about it all, or I wouldn't have a clue what we'd done in those 10 years! LOL
For the US Thanksgiving we'll be headed to Washington once again to enjoy a dinner put on by my MIL. We've invited nearly everyone we know (or at least it feels like it) and are expecting a pretty decent turn out.
Mr has been hired by the local School District, and I've applied there myself. So, at least things are getting underway here. Let's hope all this hype is worth something in the end.

30 Thoughts

2011-10-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'm officially 30 years old today.
My mind is blown because I never, not once that I can recall, thought I'd live to see my 30th Birthday and beyond.
Seriously. No joke. Never ever thought I'd live past 30, and here I am.
What the hell do I do with myself now?

Psh, oh well, no worries, it'll come to me eventually ;o)
I think my first order of business will be to get my hair chopped & donated. We'll see what happens after that.

Friday Fill-Ins

2011-10-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

And...here we go!

1. It's easy to tune into a good book, considering you can do it anywhere!

2. Just ask for a hug when you need one, my darling.

3. Once upon a time, There was a young Prince who was loved by all of those in his kingdom. (I`ve been known to start a bedtime story to the boys in this manner)

4. The wise young Prince was satified with his journey and his adventure, and decided that it was finally time to share the lessons of his journey with his people ... the end.

5. What is

6. I hope my boys pick out a costume sooner than later.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to visiting a family for a playdate between our kids, tomorrow my plans include gaming all-night with family and Sunday, I want to eat a disgusting amount of pancakes!

(To play along, click the image below)

Pondering Halloween

2011-10-11T20:07:00.000-07:00

The new house we live in is big. Much bigger than the last house we were in.

This October I'm facing my 30th birthday. I'm unsure if this is the reason for my blues this month, or if it's just something I can't quite put my finger on yet. Either way, my blues are just out of the corner of my mind, ready and whispering things in my ear. Could be that the connection to the events of last Halloween are coming back to haunt me, or maybe a combination of both that and my birthday....hmmm. That being said, I'm wondering whether I'm going to do any major decorating at all, since the yard we have is so big, and I have so little stocked away in the decorations bin that I usually keep. I know some stuff has been lost to moving, and am reluctant to even try and rebuild the stock that I had, for fear of moving again.

I hear a voice telling me we have too much stuff, despite the amount of purging I've done since we got here. This combined with the effort involved in this task keeps me from even attempting to rebuild at this moment. I had the bug last month, but lost it when October hit, and I pulled out my bin to take stock. There's plenty of potential for my favorite holiday to thrive in our yard, and I'm facing a daunting task should I wish to decorate as fully as I'd like. I'm wondering if I can motivate myself, or if I'll just leave it. I haven't even gotten the boys' costumes together yet, which is surprising.

Why October?

2011-10-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

I've never put much thought into the why, but as my Mr frequently pokes fun at us Canadians for having a Thanksgiving holiday, I had to concede that he had a point. So, I looked it up @ Wikipedia, naturally.

It's a quiet weekend here in our home this holiday. With many firsts for other family members, this is one of those holidays where we are left to our own devices. Rather than us travelling to them, we opted to stay at home. It's been a regular pajama weekend. Yes, all major neccessities (like food & teeth brushing) are taken care of by us adults, but otherwise we're all floating around occupying ourselves with whatever happens to catch our fancy.

I made a couple of pairs of PJ's each for the boys. First sewing project I've attempted in ages. I've cleaned & cleaned, and laundered until I could do no more. I've Solitaire-d my brains & eyes out, as well as fallen in love all over again with Buffy on Netflix. We've had mega pet snuggle sessions both with Peachy & Mr. Benjamin, and have even built terrariums for the snails, slugs, & Salamander.

Tonight, I'm getting over a blue-sy feeling that had me wondering why it was there. I couldn't figure it out, so just opted to tell Mr that I was feeling down. We had a family cuddle, & that took care of it.

I'm really surprised, after learning about my 3 basic neccesities (acceptance, listening & affection), how much they actually help to regulate my moods. I truly cannot survive without them, and I'm glad my lil family is coming to understand that.

I cracked a Star Wars joke yesterday at a random moment. I was surprised when my D started giggling at it. I'm glad my 9 year old gets my humor.

I said I was having trouble finding my happy-button, and H brought an apple to share with me. He says "sharing makes you happy" according to his teacher. After we finished it he whispered in my ear that he loves me, and gave me a great big hug. I'm glad there's an endless amount of hugs & giggles when I need them at my disposal.

This Thanksgiving...I am (and want to be) alive. I am restructuring my goals, making my opportunities happen, and am taking any steps I take slowly. I am not rushing ahead, but giving myself time to proccess everything, and answer the questions along the way, rather than after.

I know a lot of the (re-)actions that took place this summer are going to be explained & worried out in due time, but for now, I'm working at remembering. I need to remember what happened before I can accept the memories and move on.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful that there is a roof over my head, a kitchen full of food, and a warm bed to sleep in where I can feel safe.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful that I don't feel overwhelmed and short on time.

This Thanksgiving I'm exstatic that I've found people who will listen to me, not look at me like I'm insane when they hear what I have to say, and who are willing to help me construct a strategy that will enable me to find the healthiest mental me possible. I'm grateful that there is a possibility for me to feel like a normal human being, instead of this different entity that I've always been.

This year has been tough, and like every other year, I'm muddling my way through it. Only this time, I'm doing something to make it better.

Halloween Mason Jar Luminary

2011-10-01T12:27:00.000-07:00

I was surfing the net last month to look for some new Halloween decorating ideas, and came across a project I thought would be great to try. I hit the local thrift shops and got my hands on some Mason Jars, pulled out my collection of tissue paper, my Mod Podge & paint brushes, and black acrylic paint.

I'm happy to report, that in our new house, I have my very own crafting room, complete with table, desk & shelf space for my machines, crafting supplies & fabrics. Heaven...now, if I could only get some better lighting...

Anyhow, once I got started, the kids decided to join in. I painted thin layers of Mod Podge on the outside of the jars, and layed strips of tissue over them and smoothed them out with the paint brush handle.

It went fairly smoothly from there. I should also warn that Mod Podge doesn't smell all that great...at least, mine doesn't. I got the kids rushed through theirs, and set them aside to dry before I shooed them out of the room.

I wound up with 14 jars total, and had only spent about $5 on them, because I had the rest of the supplies on hand.
Anyhow, once they all dried, I painted faces on them with the black acrylic paint, instead of gluing paper cut-outs on. It was a relatively simple project and allowed me to watch movies during the painting. I like the way they turned out, and will be putting candles in them to line my walkway come Halloween Eve. SO excited.

Hurry Up & Wait

2011-09-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

Well, we are now living in Salmon Arm. What a month it's been. Busy busy busy, and seriously felt like there weren't enough hours in the day.
We're moved & settled, and both boys are in school. I didn't do anything but well up when we took H to Kindergarten for the first time. They've adjusted well enough, in the school of 74 students that we've enrolled them in.
I've somehow managed to be the first with a cold this year...or maybe it's a sinus infection.

D's goldfish Goldie died earlier this week, after a run of two years with him. He was replaced with a Teddy Bear Hamster, named Peachie.

I've filed for EI, and received all neccesary documentation to not have to work for the next three months. A relief to me, because I still don't feel ready to work.

I'm plagued by constant nightmares, flashbacks, and uncomfortable questions. I have been suffering from sleep disruptance, constant waking & sudden starts.

After many attempts to get myself services, I'm still awaiting call backs. Ahh, this song & dance again.

I hurried up and now I'm waiting.

Ain't No Stoppin Me Now

2011-09-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Time is just flying by. I feel like I was just complaining about August being here already, and now it's September and school's back in!

From the Clearwater to the North Okanagan, to Omak, Washington, I've been all over the place in one month. Feels like just as my feet touch ground in a new place I'm off and running again.

So many trips and zips out, here and there, that I've been living out of a suitcase for a while now.

I helped the boys pick out a place to live in Salmon Arm, discovered the job market and foot-ins up there. I visited with genuine people in Clearwater, and they reminded me how pleasant it is to be around those who ask nothing of you, yet give everything in return. I've spent time with my family, mourning, celebrating, and enjoying what life is offering us this summer. Overall, regardless of how busy it's been, I feel better than I have in months...and terrible at the same time.

When I used there was a terrible incident, and since then, it's been haunting me. Other than the occasional craving and withdwarl symptom, I am fighting off flashbacks of things that I had originally forgotten about. It's like remembering my childhood all over again.

I'm pretty good at self-destruction. A knack, a habit, a hobby, a talent, or whatever you want to call it. Maybe it's a gift, maybe it's a curse. Who knows...All I know, is that through some deep moments of self-reflection since I used, I've discovered a will to live.

For whatever reason, I left that house, that grasp, and walked as far as I could and called someone for help. I managed to leave it behind, and because of this, I'm still here.

I've got to try and believe it was for a reason, but I'm so dumbfounded about the fact that I got up in the first place, that I'm actually not worried about that quite yet.

I still feel lost, but I'm thinking it's time to stop hiding from life, and just get a move on and keep truckin' my way through it, cause regardless of what I do, it's not slowing down at all.

Considering

2011-08-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

So many things are changing here. I always wish, when change is imminent, that things would slow down so that I'd have time to proccess it.

I'm definitely one of those people who likes to take their time. I'm a cautious kind of gal. The type who watched, ponders & proccesses, and acts only after making a decision. I have no issue picturing the consequences of my actions, and those of others.

I'm currently doing research with Mr on their new chosen town, researching schools, Dr's, recreation opportunities, employment opportunities, PAC's. Lots of stuff to look at.
It's inetersting, because I think this is the first time I've ever put so much effort into a move, and it's actually leaving me feeling very positive.

H goes into the dentist today for a consultation. Tomorrow he will go in, be put under (ugh, I HATE that) and then have four fillings/caps done. D is due for another check-up. Oi, so much to catch up on from the summer.

For now, I'm just enjoying the randomness my children inject into the day, and the laughter I often feel building up inside of myself.

And Then...

2011-08-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.

It didn't take much...just another family member passing away, a family that's up in the air, moving my family, and a situation that required me to remove my family from home for about a week or so. I've been on the road, back home, cleaning & tidying, oraganizing what little we kept out of storage for the family, and spending (what feels like) an immense amount of time with my family.
While the majority of the issues that were prioritized as first have now passed us by, we're still looking forward to a 50th Birthday Bash for my mummie, and back-to-school for the kids. During such time we'll be finding the home the boys had wanted and moving them in.

I've been tagging along with family here there and everywhere, and kind of feel like a third wheel, because I keep thinking to myself "I really wish I could just nap in a quiet room".

Our house A/C unit broke during the only warm spell we've had all summer, our house is overflowing with people, have been having plumbing issues due to some strange material being flushed that really has no place there, and are having issues keeping our fridge/pantry stocked because the kids keep rooting whenever they feel peckish.

We've attended a funeral (the kids did great BTW), visited beaches galore, 4x4-ed, hiked, swam, gamed all night, gone to bed early, watched movies til the wee hours of the morn, and ate our way through the Midnight Munchies.

I've seen hide nor hair of any of my friends since before my last post, because I've been consumed.

I got a new tattoo (a Spotted Eagle feather on my neck ---->)and I've upgraded my phone to a Blackberry (with a 3yr contract renewel *rolls eyes*). My old phone was 2 years old, and starting to act funny whenever I asked it to work for me.

I've been enjoying playing with the different features on it, and discovering what I've been missing out on (though I can't see much difference).

My kids are happy and romping round, bouncing from home tohome with the understanding that they're free to roam and play at will.

Stress always feels on the horizon, as I've been conversing a bit with Mr. It's difficult to put my feelings aside sometimes, to reach the issue at hand. It's difficult to hold on to what I've discovered about myself since I've left, and that scares me. I'm at risk of being swallowed whole and being lost without any way to find my way back.

I, quite honestly, have not been alone in a while. Well, that's a lite, I drove north to grab my Gramma for the funeral all by myself...

Anyhow, I'm alive, overwhelmed, busy as all get out, and ready.

For Now

2011-08-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

What a week.

Made arrangements to come up and help Mr & boys move their way down to the Okanagan region, had to catch Greyhound up, and drive the truck back. Spent today loading up the moving truck, and cleaning the house behind them.

Wednesday a family member passed away somewhat unexpectedly. Am sad and disappointed. Full of thoughts of person and memories that I have.

My therapy session went very well this week, as I was full of positive, assertive thoughts of how my next few years are to be structured. from Parasailing to schooling to a possible move from to the Island for myself. Was interesting to see it all written down in a timeline frame and realize that my random thoughts really aren't so random after all.

I may not be perfect, I make mistakes, and can be silly, but I'm comfortable with who I am. Right now, in this moment, I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm quirky, honest, inquisitive, sensitive and genuine. I'm a listener, I'm generous, and I'm helpful. I like me right now. I'm not making excuses for my personality, or apologizing for saying the wrong thing, or blushing from embaressing myself as I so often feel the need to when I'm in Mr's presence.

I've come to the realization that I've been supressing the genuine aspect of my personality for so long that I've been making myself incredibly unhappy and angry because of it.

I'm not afraid to say what I want to say, I'm not ashamed of my thoughts, I like the way dress and the way I look, and I truly enjoy smiling.

So, tomorrow, we're driving back down, and today is the last day they are in Clearwater. I'm comfortable not going and saying good-bye to those that I believe are Mr's friends.

Red Dwarf

2011-08-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've finished Prison Break, and was disappointed by the end, but oh well.
I've moved on to Red Dwarf, and am SO happy that there's something that I love available. I usually only watch it when PBS shows it on one of those money raising things.
Smeg...just thinking of Smeg makes me giggle.
I've been spending time at the beach, and am getting a crazy tan. I can't remember the last time I actually had a tan.
I'm going up to Clearwater on Thursday, to help Mr & family move down to the Okanagan. It`s crazy complicated how it all worked out, but I`m hoping for a smooth transition for them.
Ive given up the A&D person, as I said I didn`t care for his level of professionalism.
Still attaempting to set up follow up appointments with other agencies...still getting a clsed door.
Am thinking I need to apply for a passport soon...
Forgot how sunny & hot it gets in Kelowna....

Back To The Usual...

2011-08-04T11:33:00.001-07:00

*sigh*

The house is quiet & tidied up now. It could echo it feels so empty.

I need to rest. I need to relax. I need to remember.

Passings & Yes, I'm Still Here

2011-08-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

It's a strange turn of events here in Never Never Land.

I've had my kids here for the last 5 days, and they'll be leaving in the a.m. I've had a fantastic time, and really got to enjoy all they had to offer me.

While I'm still in ups & downs and everywhere in between, I feel so much more balanced than i have in a long while, and am even able to see a small glimmer of hope.

While the events that landed me in the hospital last weekend are still with me, I know that I'll need to eventually sort them out, and am considering laying charges against the person/s responsible for putting me there.

It was a huge wake up call, and while it sucked surviving my way through it, I'm still here. For whatever reason...cause I've yet to figure it out.

I've gotten some sun on me this weekend, and have a slight tan...not that I really need one.

Have had two meetings with my therapist, who seems to really enjoy my company. Though I have to say that I don't care much for my A&D counsellor given the comment he made to me on our first meeting of "I'll bet you can get anything you want with that smile, can't you?" Kind of an assholish thing to say to someone in crisis if you ask me. I'm thinking I may not make a return trip to see him.

I'm glad I'm aware of my needs, and know where to go to ask for help, but am still a little frazzled that it's taken this long to get the help I asked for in the first place. I'll be looking to extend my EI through September, to avoid filing to Income Assistance a bit longer. I don't feel up to keeping a job, and am considering asking the Psychologist to writ eme up a note when I see him for our second appointment.

I'm texting like there's no tomorrow, and have been getting a lot of flack for being so connected to my phone, but int he past month alone it's managed to save my life at least once, if not more by keeping me connected with those that love me most, so I'm content to keep it glued to my hand.

Imagine me at 5am phoning to for an ambulance ride to the hopsital so I can come down & withdraw in a safe place, away from those would be able to give me access to the drug I was craving. My phone is always there for me.

Am contemplating taking some time up in Clearwater, to possibly sort through my belongings and purge what I can. The kids & Mr are moving again at mid month, and I'd like to make it easier on them by getting rid of what I really don't need.

An In-Law family member passed away last week as well. Kinda took a large spark with them, as I felt close kinship to them, and know that I will miss them dearly. I've been a part of that family for 10 years now, and I've come to understand that despite circumstances, I will cherish them all for as long as I live. The hardest part of knowing of this passing, was that a)I knew I would never get a hug from them ever again, and b)was not able to attend the funeral.

I guess I need to file for my passport to avoid this from happening again...and stock away for one such emergency.

New Friends

2011-07-28T17:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a doozy of a week.

Appointment after appointment, meeting and places I gotta be.

It's been hectic, and I'm seriously ready to just relax.

The kids are coming down tomorrow for a 5 day visit. I'm excited, but it also means that I'll have to do some tidying up tonight, instead of just relaxing.

I've gotten out with a friend this week, enjoying the summer for what it has to offer. It feels good to get some sun on my skin, and be in public places. It's also nice to not have to do it by myself.

I've now visited my Dr & gotten tested for everything, caught myself up on all the paperwork, and will be filing to Employment Insurance, before I move onto Income Assistance. I'm unable to work, and will be for a while.

Hopefully I can get everything worked out sometime soon as to what I'm doing with myself.

I know eventually I'll need a plan, but for now I know I won't be returning to Clearwater, that I won't have an income for another month yet, and that I'm feeling comfortable this week.

This could be due to my new friend M. M has come to stay with me in my home. M & her cat Emma. It makes life comfortable, but does not distract me from the ability to seek the help that I know I need. It simply adds more support there.

I'm onto Season 4 of Prison Break. Good Stuff. I love how everyone from the previous Season's all came together to work on the project. I find it quite intense.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the events of this past weekend. Trying to proccess and gather the pieces of those memories I shattered so they wouldn't hurt me. It's hard, trying to figure out how it got this bad, and attempting to forgive myself for slipping so horribly. 10 years with no drugs in my system, and one night of a cocaine induced frenzy was enough to put me into withdrawls for two days, and craving for the week. Any more, and it's a gauruntee that I'd never see my kids again. Ever.

So, here I am, picking myself back up, and going back to the bat. Let's hope I hit a homer this time.

I Used

2011-07-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well. I had a bad weekend. How was yours?

I fucked it up, I did drugs this weekend. I spent one day in the hospital in withdrawl.

I'm sore as shit. My entire body hurts from the tremors, and from the muscle spasms that were uncontrollable.

I haven't used in over 10 years.

I'm pissed that after a month and a half of trying to access services, all of the sudden every place I had been trying to get servicdes through contacted me regarding my hospital visit.

I'm fucking angry that even though I reached out before I fucked up, that the door was slammed in my face. I'm fucking pissed that I had to fuck up before anyone thought I actually needed help contacted me.

I'm enraged that I had to resort to emergency services for help. I ranted and raved to the Social Worker/Mental Health worker about everything I had tried, and informed her of the closed doors and fucking waiting lists and the stupid "Saftey Agreement" the idiots gave me when I informed them of my desire to commit suicide. At each mention of each agency her mouth dropped open a little wider.

Why the fuck would I WANT to go on living if no one will help me with the issues I have now.

Essentially the message that I got from each place was that my issues were not a priority to them and that I could wait.

The result from their fucked up belief was me using, and winding up in withdrawl.

I was one step away from becoming hooked again. I was one step away from becoming someone's whore for drugs.

The Kelowna Mental Health System failed me.

Let's hope that the Social Worker I saw today will give me the help I need. If he can't, I'm giving you my bonafide guarantee that I'm not going to make it through this summer alive.

They Do Help

2011-07-21T15:24:00.000-07:00

I'm onto season 4 of Prison Break.

Hottness.

I've fallen through the cracks in the Mental Health Care System. Backlisted, waitlisted, and not taken seriously.

I spoke with the Dr yesterday who originally saw me when I came into town. He upped my med dosage to the max. He offered to help me find a good therapist, but they would all be sliding fee. He offered to help me fill out my EI forms. He also made it his priority to ensure I get an income and not go to work right now.

Good Dr.

I'm passing the time chatting up a storm online. Makes for a good laugh every now and then.

I'm drinking like a fish, but havin fun the safe way.

I've not touched any drugs, which is a miracle in itself. Loong time ago I was an addict, and I know now if I touch it once I'll get hooked again.

I'm here. Still. I'm alive.

The Only Way I Know How

2011-07-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

I watched the sunrise this morning. It's a beautiful thing.

I've been watching Prison Break on Netflix.

I've been thinking about my life, about the life I thought I had, and how it was all just a lie. How stupid I was, how I tried so hard to have faith in the good. How often I struggled to believe the power of positivity. How I tried to believe that this was all for a reason.

I don't believe this was for a reason. I believe bad things can happen to good people.

I've done a lot of wrong, I've said a lot of things. I've been my worst, and my time for judgement has come to pass.

I am getting exactly what I deserve.

I am without my children, and probably will be for the rest of my life. I am drinking, I am smoking, and I am wallowing.

I've reached out for help, and have been turned away from every agency I reached out to. Waitlisted, and backscheduled. I've been told that I'm not a priority.

I was hospitalized in June because I wanted to commit suicide. When I explained this to my intake workers, they gave me a slip of paper with steps to take if I felt like self-harm. When I called those numbers they offered, I was told I'd be placed on the list.

So here I am, watching the sunrise, reaching out to emptiness, and fucking it up the only way I know how cause ain't nobody gonna pull me outta this one.

Hitting Bottom

2011-07-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

I'm fishing round on the bottom. I'm here, but I feel lost.

"What am I sposed to say when I'm all chocked up but you're ok? I'm falling to pieces" - Breakeven - The Script

What am I looking for? What am I here for? Is there a purpose in my suffering?

I'm here, I'm reaching but I don't know what for. Am I reaching for help and salvation? Am I reaching for trouble and danger?

I'm a kid again. I'm lost, and I accept help from the first person who offers it, only they're not interested in helping. I'm exploited again because I'm trusting, because I'm hoping.

I need to believe that there's someone who will help me, I just have to find them first.

I feel like I'm stuck, and that I'm going to be stuck here forever. Doomed to relive this cycle over and over. Never change, never grow, never move on.

I don't want to feel. Emotional torture.

"I'm so afraid of waking, please don't shake me" - So Far Away - Staind

I want honesty, I want faith, I want trust.

Netflix Addiction

2011-07-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to move. It's not working so well.

My bed has my permanent imprint, my laptop has been set to Netflix for 3 days now, and I've watched everything under the sun. Under the moon too.

My sleeping schedule is all messed up. I can't remember to eat, and I'm confused when my body sends me signals that I'm hungry.

I think it's safe to say that I need to make some phone calls today.

We had the conversatin with the kids. I had to cut my time with them shorter by a day. I simply couldn't

tolerate the stress. I know they were disappointed. I feel like I keep hitting setbacks. I'm wondering when this feeling will end. The feeling that I have that says life would be so much better if I weren't in it. All these waiting lists and "we'll call you back" feel just like a slap in the face. It may be that I need a pick-me-up. It may be that I just need someone to care. It may be that I'm just lonely. It may be a lot of things, but I'm feeling like no one wants to help me out here. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, maybe I'm just surviving the best way I know how.

I'm Still Here

2011-07-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little discouraged today.

I want to enroll for a Human Services Diploma program. 2 years at whatever institution. The problem is the place I'm applying to no longer has it open, bummer. I guess that means I'll hafta do some searching around here in the Okanagan for other institutions that have the program available as well. My first two choices are out the window, which has me a bit bummed out.

I've been waiting for a counsellor to phone me regarding assault. After I did my intake they said to expect a phone call within a week to set up my first appointment. Called and left a message that I had to yet to receive this call, and when they returned it they stated that I've been wait-listed because it was not within the recent past, but months ago. The lady stated that it could take months to 1 year to be eligable for services through their organization and that 1-1 servicves were available on a sliding fee scale. On their upside I've been scheduled to begin a 6 month program with them that starts in September. Joy.

The kids are coming for a visit this weekend. I'm apprehensive because that conversation is going to be had. The conversation where we inform them that we're separating. Fuck. I wish that I could just have a calm time where I can centre myself. I can figure out what I don't want to do, but placing my finger on what I WANT is confusing me quite a bit.

I rather feel that just as I'm starting to get my feet under me they get swept right back out. Like I'm not being given a chance to get what I need. It's frustrating. It's not fair. I want to stomp my feet and scream. Instead, I'll go light up a cigarette, grab a glass of water, and figure out what my next step is. Keep chugging along, and hope that something will eventually work out. Hope that it is sooner, rather than later. Try not to feel overwhelmed, and focus on one small step, the one directly in front of me rather than behind me.

I wish someone would hug me, hold me, and tell me it's going to be alright. I wish someone could comfort me. I wish I had more concrete support. The reality is that I don't. The reality is that I'm alone in this, and I have no one but myself to rely on. And just like every other time in my life, it's up to me to pick up the baggase and move on.

Fuck you world, cause I'm still here.

Long Weekend

2011-07-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

I'm lost. One day I gain sight, one day I lose sight. I have an idea of what I'm doing, and I know when harm is in my path. My choices are clear, but I'm afraid to make them.

I've finished taking a 10 day program for coping skills, and have received a referral to both an anxiety group and 1-1 counselling for my depression, as well as done an intake for counselling surrounding assault.

It was a long weekend. I couldn't bring myself to celebrate Canada Day because I didn't have my kids with me. I didn't go out and enjoy all of the festivities that were available, or watch the fireworks, or visit the fair. I couldn't. I faced the fact that I couldn't bear to watch happy families. Instead, I joined a friend for a BBQ with some of the most amazing home-cooked food I've ever tasted in my entire life, watched some movies & had a sleepover.

Right now I'm focusing on turning my bedroom into my haven of security. It's a small project, it's within my means, and it's something to keep me focusing on the here and now.

I've lost weight, though I'mj unsure how. I've purchased a bus pass for this month on the local transit, and really have begun to enjoy riding the busses here, despite the fact that it takes hours for me to get home when I do take them.

Life is moving, slowly but surely. I'm curious where it'll take me.

This Is How My Heart Breaks

2011-06-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

It's strange.
I had to come back to Clearwater this weekend for my youngest's 5th Birthday. It's weird being here. Just plain weird.
I was incredibly anxious before I came, and was ill for the first couple of hours, but I'm managing ok now.

My heart breaks when I watch my children, listen to them talk, and hear their delightful giggles. It shatters when they ask me when I'm coming home. It bleeds when they ask me why I can't just see a Dr here in Clearwater instead of seeing one in Kelowna.
My arms ache because they hug me, my throat beats down the sob when they tell me they love me, my eyes get blurry when they smile at me, and I can't breathe because I don't want to leave them.
Tomorrow I'll go back to Kelowna, with empty arms.
Who knows when I'll see them again...maybe next month?

From the Coffee Shop

2011-06-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

I'm a little anxious today. I've got an appointment with a psychiarist at the hospital where I am attending a 10 day class in coping skills. While the class itself seems fairly unstructured, I'm making myself attend until the end. It's a challenge waking up and gettingg ready in the morning, given the lack of sleep, but I make it.
Today, I assume that I'll be receiving an initial diagnosis on my mental health. Judging fromt he paperwork they've handed me so far, it looks like I may wind up with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course there's a mix of depression in there, but meh.
I've got ideas floating around, and while I sit and simmer them, I'm afraid of which step to take first.
I'm also grieving. Grieving the loss of my relationship, and grieving because I'm starting all over again. All over again, on my own. I'm starting to focus on my mental health on my own. While I have various people I call for support, it doesn't compare to a significant other giving me a hug, telling me they love me, and that it will all be alright. It doesn't compare to sharing myself with someone, with understanding and compassion. I'm relying on myself to get me through this. I have to look inside to find my own motivations. It makes for lonely going. I'm not afraid of being alone, but it would make things a lot more comfortable to cope if I had someone to rely on besides people on the phone.
So, here I am, waiting for a diagnosis and to find out where I can go from there.
My little H is having his 5th Birthday this weekend. I'll be travelling back to visit for the night, then making my way back down to Kelowna. I'm afraid that I won't be able to cope with seeing all my friends and my spouse, and the kids all at once. I'm afraid someone is going to tell me all the rumors that I've been told are flying around about me. I'm afraid of saying good-bye again after a mere 24 hour visit with my kids. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.
I have to start out with nothing, and build myself into a real home, but eventually I'm going to have to move closer to them so I can share custody. I'm not going to be strong enough, or financially stable enough to do that for a while. This means I'm looking at a long time without having the kids in my care. This breaks my heart as well. My two main reasons for living are not within my care because I'm unable to care for them.
It's difficult to do daily reminders that I'm here for them, and that I need to show them what life is supposed to be like. It's difficult not to slip into self pity, and feel sorry for myself. It's difficult not to beat myself up over my many mistakes, over what led me here.
I'm grieving. Grieving the past, possible time wasted, the future that will never be. I now know that I will never celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary, or a 65th (like my step-grandparents did last weekend). I know that I may never have any more children.
I saw some people from my former parenting & family groups the other day, and it broke my heart. I felt jealous that they had what looked like happy families. They had an outpouring of support surrounding them. They had pride. I felt it unfair that they had what they did, and I was sitting there without anyone to cuddle or cheer on.
So, today I see the Doctor, and formulate a plan for how I am going to survive. Let's see what the day will bring.

Ponderings

2011-06-19T15:31:00.001-07:00

Some days I can breathe, some days are tough to get out of bed.
It's quiet, and my mind is occupied by my mom's collection of Buffy The Vampire Slayer series on DVD.
I'm doing projects that allow me to sit on the couch, and occupy my hands.
I miss my kids.
I'm spending a lot of time in reflection. I'm spending a lot of time with myself.
It's been cloudy & rainy a lot. Kind of like how I feel inside.
I bounce back and forth between wondering if it was worth my hospitalization, and considering my future.
The system is giving me a helluva time. Trying to access the help I need is a challenge, but Im working on it.
It's hard to take care of myself. To cook, & eat, bathe, and sleep enough (or too little). Finding a balance isn`t easy.
While I wish my life was what it was, I know I can`t have the things I earned back in Clearwater. I can see the end of my job, and I can see that my life is moving on.
I watch the world continue out the window, I occasionally step out of the house when I`m dragged, and I ponder.
I ponder what I am, what I've done, what's been done to me. I wonder how I can leave my kids, then remember that I wasn`t doing them any good just being there. If I can just keep working, if I can get the help I need, maybe I'll be able to tuck them in at night again.
Maybe it's time I admit just how deeply ill I am. At some point I will need to face the truth. I hide, and I run, but in the end I'm always left alone with myself. In the end I have nothing to fear but what is within myself, ability or depravity.

Needlepooint Nintendo Controller Phone Case

2011-06-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

I've been trying my hardest to keep busy. I'm working on all of the cool projects I have saved in my favorites file.
I saw this idea for a NintendoDS case on craftzine.com.

Instead of doing a Needlepoint DS Case, I decided to make a case for my phone.

I found all of my peoject items at a local thrift store, and the project total was $2.00

It looks ok, but I'm unsure if it's the size I want, and am considering sizing it down, or possibly making some other projects.

Music Sheet Mod Podge Jewelry Box

2011-06-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Motsly magazines that I'm scavenging from the thrift store. Back issues of Chatelaine, O, any crafter mag, and any Canadian mag I can get my hands on.
After all of that reading, I decided I really wanted to try a few different projects. So, off to the thrift stores I went, and came upon my first items to try out. I bought a jewelry box for 2.99 & an old sheet music book for .99. I also grabbed a small handful of various craft brushes for .50.

I brought my stuff home, and gathered my determination to finish the main step of this project in one night. So, I set everything up on my tray (in front of the TV, lol), and set to just focusing on one step at a time so I didn't feel overwhelmed. It is my first project, after all. I started by tearing out the sheets of the music book, and tearing them into various random shapes, as I didn't feel like just gluing the sheets down as is.

I started by glues the box first, but changed my attack to gluing the back of the sheets I was using, and laying them onto the box. I did make a smaller mistake of not doing the short edged first, but I quickly fixed that. I began wrapping around the edges, and it turned out ok.
When I started the bottom edge, I made sure to do the top edges first, wrapping the paper around it, then piecing over top of it.

I took my time with this project, mainly because I was watching tv at the same time. It was relaxing and enjoyable. I'm pleased with t

he finished product, and only have one step left, now that it's dried. I need to add a coat of sealing spray. For now, it's resting on a shelf in my bedroom. I'm ok with that.

Phone Numbers & Canucks Fever!

2011-06-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I've made it to Kelowna, and have made my base of contacts. Have my list of numbers in hand, and an idea of what I'll need to do for myself.
First off, I've contacted the local Cancer Lodge, and will be donating my hair, as it's super long and I'm ready for it to go. This will mark the second hair donation I've done, and I'm sure lots more will follow over the years.
Second, I'll be visiting the Kelowna Mental Health Centre tomorrow to do my intake and go from there with their recommendations.
Tonight I'll be watching the Canucks game, and painting my toenails, cause everyone needs a reason to smile.
I've started watching Buffy The Vampire tv series, as my mom has the complete collection on DVD. Should be fun, as I've run out of magazine's to read. I had picked up a bunch at a thrift store in Kamloops, but have worked my way through them all by now.
Things are looking ok I guess. I received a phone call from a complete stranger in Clearwater to discuss his wife, though they're separated. Was a bit freaked out that he not only knew I was here, but managed to find the landline phone number for where I'm at. Was nice to chat with him though (as most Clearwater folk are quite chatty, and easy to talk to), as I have experience with his situation, and my field of employ, I was able to address his concerns and give him the building blocks he needed to address them with his spouse. Interesting how things happen.
I'm tired, still. It's been quite an effort to not only get out of bed, but to do the daily routine of showering and getting dressed. My head seems to hurt all the time. I can't tell if that's related to muscle tension, or because of my crappy back-up glasses.
I don't yet know if I'll be applying for work here, or if I will be filing for Medical Employment Insurance. It seems overwhelming, but I recall that the first step to issues like this are always the hardest for me.
Despite my sometimes bleak outlook, life is still plodding along...

I Lost My Voice

2011-06-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

It's Friday already, and I don't even know what I did with my week!
I've been thinking, reading, and sleeping. Not a whole lot else. I'm heading out this afternoon for another town, and tomorrow my mom will pick me up. Monday I'll be able to set services up for myself somewhere, make appointments.
I haven't been able to bring myself to actually submit my resume to anywhere. I'm afraid, and currently, my fear is holding me back.
The ceremonies for my cousin were long, but enjoyable. I lacked the ability to congratulate her though, as I was having significant trouble speaking past the huge lump in my throat. As I watched all the grad photos in the special reel they played, I couldn't help but think to myself that my cousin was by far the most beautiful grad there. I'm so glad that I call her a part of my family, not only because she's a fantastic person (and so is her mother), but because she's got a calm, self ability, and knows what she wants. I envy that right now. Otherwise I love her to pieces, and am proud that she has the ability to be so successful (I dropped out of high school before I could make it to this point). This afternoon I'm going to take some more pictures of her in her grad gown before I leave town. Hopefully today I'll be able to speak...

A Smile, A Thought

2011-06-09T13:46:00.000-07:00

Browsing videos for these guys, this one impressed me with it's creativity.
I'll be attending my cousins graduation commencements ceremonies tonight. The second I've ever attended, and I'm really looking forward to it.

In Crisis, Let's Do It Together

2011-06-07T22:26:00.000-07:00

What an interesting leap I've taken. I loved this little graphic, and thought I'd share it with you.
My blog has been honest, and while I've held back some items for safety/privacy reasons, this is not something I'm going to hold back.

I was checked into the hospital over the weekend. After a cry for help was answered by the fine folks at The Crisis Centre of BC, I accepted their recommendations, and went were I was best helped for the time being.

There are a number of things holding me back in my rural community that I love so much. I was unable to get any services for myself to help me out of the pit I was getting deeper into.

While there are many judgements about suicide, I have to say that it's always been there, hiding in the back of my mind. I'm a frequent depression sufferer, and have been as long as I can remember. I remember being a child and wishing I could die because it was too horrible to live when no one listens to you, believes you, and saves you from those who preyed on me.

While I attempted it once earlier in my youth, I had no idea I would be pushed so close again.

In any event, I'm here, in the care of those who love me, trying to build some sort of framework for myself to enable me to carry on.
What I want my readers to know is that this is a part of my everyday life, and if there are others out there who feel like I do, know that I'm here. Let's do it together.

Reaching out is hard to do. It leaves you vulnerable, it leaves you open to rejection and more pain, and the possibility that the people you reach for won't understand and won't listen. The important thing to do is to keep reaching, keep looking for what you need, it's there, but sometimes it's a little harder to find.

Headaches

2011-06-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

My eyes are killing me. I broke my glasses on friday, and have been wearing my old pair ever since. I'm suffering frequent headaches, and have had to cut back the amount that I am reading. Sometimes I'm reading job sites online, or am reading a selection of books that I have on hand, or reading varioues news stoeries. I don't like cutting back how much I read, I love reading, even though I complain about it once and while. I'm gonna give an online site for glasses a try, after a visit to the Optometrist to get a prescription.

In A Perfect World

2011-06-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

I own my own home where the rooms are themed, decorated, clean & bright. I have a large yard with swings, a sandbox & trampolline. I have a garden that is thriving & flowers that love me. I feel beautiful in my home, content. I have a small car & minivan. I have a job that I enjoy which leaves me satisfied. My children are helpful, capable, respectful, curious & independant. They smile, laugh & prosper. I have hobbies that I enjoy, quiet to pass the time & a need to explore. I am grateful for each day, the revealations that life shows me. I am full of energy & ability & I don't hold back. I stand for my beliefs, but keep my mind & heart open. I don't fear change, but accept it with grace. I value my elders & accept what they teach me. I give my love freely, expect nothing in return & get more that I know what to do with.

Depression

2011-06-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

I just need a little companionship.
Sometimes, I find myself in need of human touch.
I have a lot of contacts on my phone, and it never fails, when I need someone, no one answers me.
I can see myself falling into the midst of a serious bout of severe depression. I can see it clearly. Like watching a movie in HD.
I can't bring myself to do my usual hobbies, I find interactions with my children exhausting, I have a hard time doing anything but lay in bed. Work is an extreme chore, despite the fact that I love my jobs. I constantly feel like crying. I honestly don't feel like eating anything at all. I shower because I have to.
I want someone to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me it'll be alright someday, and that someday isn't far away.
I want someone to hold my hand on my way to work, and encourage me.
I want someone to help me play with my children, bit by bit, and let me know it's ok that I've had enough.
I want someone to tell me to rest every now and then.
I want it to be ok that I'm depressed, and not this horrible calamity that it actually is.
I need support. I need constant support. I need someone I can call at any hour and know that I can cry through the line and still feel like I can meet their gaze the next day.
I want to feel that what I'm feeling right now isn't "psycho", or "fucking crazy", or "just being a bitch".
I want someone to understand me, to empathize with me, and to let me know that I'm ok. I don't want to be stigmatized, to feel guilty just to have feelings.
I want to be able to laugh again. I want to be able to smile, genuinely. I want to enjoy the little things, to fascinate over the wonders of the universe, and enjoy being alive.
I don't want to swim in emotional torment, to feel like I'm drowing in my own body, to despise the fact that I'm waking up each and every goddamned morning.
I don't want to hide my tears, to face a smile, to force conversation that I just don't have in me, to pretend that life is actually liveable, to pretend that everything is ok.
I've been on medication since last summer, but medication alone can't save me. I need support, I need an outlet, and I need to get my life moving again. I need love.

Playoff Fever

2011-06-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

This is the first time in my adulthood that the Vancouver canucks have made it all the way to the Stanley Cup.

Can you guess what I'm doing tonight?

I've got goosebumps, I can feel the magic of this team, and I know Vancouver's going to win the big one this year!

Even though I don't have cable in the house, I'm grateful I have CBC Canada to rely on, as they air the game via live stream.

Oh, and BTW, this will always be MY Canucks Logo!

Uknown Traditions

2011-05-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

Each year, a local Motel in Little Fort (where my Gramma lives) has a pitch that your first cone from them of the season is free. this year I decided to pay, even though it was our first.

I spent some time uploading pictures fromthe last 2 months to my flickr account, and realized I've got a collection of our first cones of the year shots uploaded. How nice to have a tradition that I didn't even know of! I wonder if there are any more...

Surfacing For Air

2011-05-05T17:29:00.001-07:00

Phew. I can't believe it's been over a month since I last blogged. How did that happen?
Work.
I'm working three jobs, and have been since Spring Break and the last time I blogged. Pregnancy Outreach, Daycare, and Preschool Teacher Assistant. That being said, I've really only got about 33 paid hours per week to rack up. It's decent pay, and enjoyable jobs, but MAN! I'm beat by the time I get home, and it's been a regular routine of early to bed and up with the birds.
There's been a number of changes at work that have me scratching my head and thinking "This is just too easy!" One of which, has allowed me to apply for the position (I think it's beginning in September) of Preschool Teacher. Scary, exciting, intimidating, and thrilling.
My daycare hours are now being trimmed back, and will quite possibly dwindle even further in light of employee interactions.
My Pregnancy Outreach Program is going well, and has begun posing some interesting new challenges that are really keeping me on my toes.
I recently traveled down to Kamloops for a week to go for training in the World Health Organization's 20 hour Breastfeeding Course (Making A Difference). It was delightful, informative, and wonderfully enlightening. I was surprised that despite being in a roomful of professionals (Various Nurses, a Doctor, Pediatrician), I was comfortable and even able to share some of my experiences and information as a front line worker. Our different perspectives really enabled us to cover a lot of information while sharing some things with one another that we might not otherwise have come across.
SO, in short...I'm doing well, and am happy with the way things are going, as I'm busy, and being challenged every day in a different way. The best part is, these are such insurmountable challenges that I'm left overwhelmed, but are dynamic enough to mesh together well, and leave me wanting more...so, I asked for it.
I've booked my time off from work to go North in the end of June to enjoy attending my Uncle's Wedding with my family. I'm leaving my plans until the last minute, as I really don't think I'm capable of planning that far in advance right at this particular moment in time.
I've been watching the Canucks games in the playoffs, and am really enjoying getting riled up while I'm at it.
Life is swell, and though I have a number of personal circumstances that aren't so great, I think I'm coping quite well despite this fact.

Spring Blahs

2011-03-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling twitchy this week. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that D turns 9 tomorrow ;o)
I've been feeling kinda bluesy, and nto able to put my finger on why.
I visited some gal pals today (muchly needed), and discovered my issue. I'm having The Spring Blues.
I've been a renter as long as I've been able to have my own place, never actually having a home of my very own. I've always decorated it the way others wanted to, or not been able to make the changes that suited me because it's never been mine.
In two weeks, Mr becomes a Permanent Resident of Canada. We've been working for this for 7 years, and it's finally coming! I'm excited.
At the same time, my need for a place to call my own is starting to make itself known.
I'm tired of renting, or holding off on changes I'd like to make because it's not in the contract, or just too much effort if we're just going to move in a few months.
Goddammit I just want to know something is permanent! I want my own sense of security, and to know the satisfaction of not putting anything else off to "when I'm able to".
I'm able to now. I'm fucking capable, and willing, and earnest, even, to get something started!
I'm am thoroughly sick of wishing and dreaming of "someday" when I may be able to decorate or paint in shades that I like, or arranging furniture the way that best suits me, or having my own sewing room, or garden to grow and plant and tend.
My spring blah's have me antsy, chomping at the bit, and rearing to go.
Unfortunately, I'll have to be patient a while longer until credit can be established, after all...only fools rush in.
For the time being, I'm going to content myself (hopefully) with building some staggered shelves for my garden pots that'll be growing my peppers, peas & tomatoes (if they continue to grow from the seeds I've planted with my kids' help this week) and anything else that catches my fancy. I'm going to learn how to use a hammer and nail, and any other power tool that may be required, as these have always represented permanence or change when I wasn't ready for it, and scared the daylights out of me. I've got two friends who need home repairs, and who aren't opposed to me helping out in exchange for teaching me how to do said repairs. Hopefully this will curb my craving for stability long enough to get what we need done to eventually get into our own home.
I'm hoping.
Spring has jumped up and bit me right where it counts, and boy howdy, this year I'm gonna do something about it!

Yes Week

2011-03-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know that I've ever explained what I do for a living. In case I haven't, to put it simply, I am the first stop to prevent children from being removed from the home. I am contracted by the government to teach parenting skills to at risk families.
I am humbled, at times, that I was chosen to do this job. There are times when I feel overwhelmed when I consider the implications that I've been entrusted with. I have group of professionals who are accredited, hold degrees, doctorates, and have education much farther than myself who hold me in high esteem.
I do my job well.
How do I know? Well, for starters, I've made it more than a year. I've got a group of clients that I've been working with for this length of time that trust me. I've seen improvements in some people whom I didn't know had it in them, but that I thought it might be a good idea to pass information off to. I know through evaluation and experience what can be expected from my clients, and what may take a little bit of encouragement to bring about. I hold faith that each and every one of my clients will reach their full potential, if I can find the key that will enable them to reach for it.
I have faith.
I am dedicated to my clients. I love their children. My clients know this. My clients know that I am in their lives to encourage and support them. My clients know me.
While there are boundaries that are not to be crossed, I am honest with my clients. I am honest about myself, and about my faith in them. I trust my clients. I have since the first day I entered their home. I have given myself completely to them. I give them respect, trust, and honesty. They return it. This is how I know that I do my job well.

Today was a tough day. I dealt with grief. I dealt with it in my client, and with myself, as this client was the spouse of my original client who had passed away. I'm honored that this person is choosing to keep me in their lives, and is allowing me to help them, in any way that I can. I was saddened because I can see the outcome, if we fail. There is only so much that I can do. While I will do whatever I can, they have to do their part.

I printed out a list for D to start focusing on at home for chores before he's allowed privileges like video games. He did everything on it today without question.
I asked my supervisor if we could open our program up to Single Dads and Grandparents (as opposed to just the Pregnant Mothers we've advertised), and he said yes. I asked if we could try to open up the avenue for a parenting group for my clients, and I was handed the manuals and training materials for a group facilitators. I asked if I could order more resources, I was told as long as it's before the end of this month (fiscal year).
I asked the Daycare manager if I could enroll for more ECE courses, and she said they'd pay for at least two this year, so long as I took the steps to begin the proccess.
I joined a Breastfeeding Committee in town, and am now in training to become a LaLeche League leader, as well as facilitating a Breastfeeding group until we're LLL accredited.
I asked for the opportunity to have clients as far as our program reaches (2 hours north) and today my co-worker asked me if she could refer someone from this region to my program.
I've been working for months on a manual for my program specifics, and this week the Prenatal answers I've been searching for fell in my lap.
I asked my co-worker (other half of my program) if she would be willing to switch days to accommodate me taking on another position in a different job, and she said "Please do, they're desperate!"
I got back to my office today from my difficult visit, and my co-workers cried with me. I asked for someone to listen, and they waited quietly to hear what I had to say until I was finished pouring my heart out. Afterwards they said I'm not alone.
Today a client told me she trusts me more than her own family.
I asked this week, and I've heard nothing but yes.
I'm thinking I should ask more often.

The Year

2011-03-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

You know, I was laughing last year, at my friends who were hitting this hurdle. I guess it's their turn now.
I've recently been pondering the health of my family. I don't like what I see. There is a line of genetics that will be working against me as I age.
I could put this information off until I get older...but, I'm turning 30 this year. It's important that I start paying more attention to my health than what I've been paying it in the past.
I've determined, that I'm absolutely certain that the year of my 30th birthday will be the year change will be in place.
I've been in a genuinally good mood all week. Part of this is due to the fact that I know that I can commit to tehse changes, and that I've got a good idea of when I want these changes to take place and how.
The other part of it is due tot he fact that spring is in the air. Sure, there's still feet of snow on the ground, it's still brisk out, the sun comes and goes, and it can still get quite gloomy here...but that hasn't stopped me from busting out some of my more treasured outfits, and showing a new leaf in my office-wear to work. Mr. B is shedding like a son-of-a-gun and he's been restricted to a section of the house we don't frequent to lessen the allergic reaction portion of his year.
We had a parent/teacher conference w/D's teacher today. It went well. We've got a clear idea of how to address the insignificant issues taking place, and a clear idea of what we can expect when he starts Grade 4. We're excited that a lot more extra-curricular teams will open up to him. I'm very proud to report that he's currently reading at an advanced 4th grade level as well! With constant communication and a clear avenue of approach, I'm hoping that his journey into his tweens will leave us all a little less bumped than we've been.
D turns 9 on the 25th. This will (as stated above) officially place him in his tweens. I'm rather intimidated to ponder that I will someday be dealing with a teenager, and not this beautiful little boy who's here right now.
H is formally registered to begin K in the fall. I'm sad for that, but alas. I'll have two children in school in September, leaving Mr & I free to pursue full time employment.
On that note, Mr received his approval letter for his Permanent Residency. The next step is an interview in Kelowna w/Immigration, and then we shall be free of this proccess.
I've pulled out my sewing machine, and am planning a few small projects for myself. I'm feeling inspired, and I really do want my home to look it's best, so I'm hoping I can hold on to this feeling.

Bunny Stories

2011-03-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

We have a family friend who couldn't understand why we chose a rabbit as a pet. They said "Rabbit's have no personality". I told them to spend more time with Mr. Benjamin and they'd see plenty of personality.
Since we got Mr. B. he's adjusted well to our family lifestyle. He was nearly wild when we got him, skittish as all get out. He's friendly and playful, and ruler of the roost. He adores Mr & D, and tolerates H & I fairly well.
D was adamant when we first received him that he'd never like him. They've fallen deeply in friendship. D can pick him up, (and does so frequently) and lay him upside down in his arm or lap, and Mr. B. closes his eyes in contentment. D can play with Mr. B for hours and never get bored, angry, or upset with him in the least.
The boys were driving me bonkers (read: at each other at every turn) one weekend, and after the umpteenth time of seperation, I told them to build something out of lego. D asked what he should build, and as a backhanded comment, I said "I dunno...build something for Mr. B.".
*BOOM* Both boys disappeared for what felt like hours. I wondered what they were up to, but I left them to their own devices, keeping an ear out for any possible skirmishes. The next thing I knew, all I could hear was wild giggling and laughter coming from D's bedroom. I went to take a peek, curious as to what was so funny. They had built a "cage" for Mr. B. out of lego, and were in peals of laughter over Mr. B's reaction. He was kicking it with his hind legs, standing up on his hind legs to bust the roof off, and throwing the broken off pieces of roof accross the room. They were all entertained, because even Mr. B. had fun, opting to take his time coming back and forth from the middle of the room to the cage and breaking it down.
Another weekend, the kids were at it again, picking on each other. I told them to go build a maze as I was doing the dishes. They asked me why. I replied, for Mr. B.
*ZOOM* They were off. Every once and a while they asked if they could "borrow" something, and slinked away. They were silent for what felt like hours, before, once again, I could hear peals of laughter & giggles. D came running out of his room, and demanded I come and look how smart Mr. B. was, dragging me back to his room behind him. I entered the room to find all kinds of items built into a maze accross his entire room. I was impressed by this, but what was even more impressive, was D placing mr. B. at one end of the maze, and watching him hop (taking his sweet time, with the occasional perk up on the hind legs to get his bearings) his way through the entire maze from start to finish. No treat or nothing, simply for the fun of it.
We watch movies together as a family often. You'll find us all piled up on the couch, a mess of blankets, legs & arms, with heads poking out for a clear view of the TV. Most times Mr. B. is right in there with us, hopping from one lap to another to get scratches from everyone, and spending time resting on us all.
Mr. Benjamin is truly a part of our family. There was a weekend, not long after we got him, where we were afraid he had run away, as we do let him out in the yard unsupervised (the entire surrounding fence has chicken wire along the bottom to prevent escape), and we couldn't find him when we checked up on him. I was surprised at just how sad this had made me feel.
I'm glad he's here with us. I'm glad we're open to having him be such a big part of our family lifestyle. I'm glad I can talk to him without feeling silly. I'm glad we've all attached ourselves to something, and made an effort to ensure that it remains healthy. I love our bunny, and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.

2011-03-04T21:25:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling good tonight. No, it's not because I'm into a bottle of whatever's at hand...more just because I feel good.
I discussed my issues w/Mr, and have taken steps at work that I'm really happy with. I'm contemplating adding another job to my current list, but we'll see yet whether or not that will work out. I'm popping up for air while I'm swimming in training manuals, videos, and writing theory papers for no one but myself.
I'm looking at taking some time this year to continuing my education either with the Early Childhood Education, or persuing the field of Nursing, which has piqued my interest of late. The thought of persuing any sort of degree scares the hell outta me, because it means commitment in the long run. I know that once I start, I won't stop until it's completed.
I'm considering the future, which is a good thing. I see more and more how these periods are getting shorter and shorter. The dark moods, that is. When I'm in them it feels like forever, but them there's light from somewhere and I come out of it, and everything's okay again for a while.
I've arranged a ladies night tomorrow evening at my house. Invited a mix of all the ladies I know, and am really looking foreward to some good laughs and general ranting & raving that'll remind me that I'm not so alone in the universe. Just what I need!

2011-02-28T20:43:00.000-08:00

I'm tired.
I had a training workshop in the big town today for Facilitating something for Success By 6. It was good, and I feel I will be able to apply it to some of my families.

I'm lonely. I've asked that we not have company over for the time being, as I was witholding some issues from Mr, and they unintentionally coming out when we had guests under the guise of witty sarcasm. I know when things start coming out like that that I need to step back and work through them until I'm more comfortable.
It seems like I cycle through stages like this. I feel healthy, and I feel good about the flow of things, and something set me off, and I clam up. I stop talking, I stop reaching out, and I retreat into myself for safety's sake.
I've not visited with anyone but my Gramma, and a friend of Mr's in over a month now. I'm not reaching out and chatting with people jovially, and showing how strong I am by carrying on. I'm living in shadows and spending time in books, and retreating farther away from what's here.
I know where it's stemming from. I know what's causing it. I just don't want to talk about it.
of course...that tension is carrying on to other aspects of my daily life, and I can feel the whole house tensing up with me. I don't like it.
There's never a good time to bring up what I want to bring up. I know this.
Tonight, I'm just tired. Rather than talk about it, I'm going to get the kids ready for bed, then I'll do the same. Maybe things will look better in the daylight.

I Didn't

2011-02-21T20:56:00.000-08:00

I'm crying because I'm watching my mother leave. She's left me alone with him again. I'm bathing, and I'm scared. I'm lying in bed, and though I've giggled, it's a nervous giggle. I know what's coming.
I'm pretending to be asleep. I'm trying to make sure I'm breathing evenly, deeply. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, I want so badly for my mom to come home. I know she won't be home for hours.
He's coming down the hallway. He's in my doorway. Between slanted eyelids I can see his shadow in the doorway.
This is my nightmare.

I don't want to keep secrets. I want to feel. I want to feel like I'm normal. I don't want to be shattered. I don't want to feel like I'm never going to reach. I want you to know that I'm still here. No matter what you do to me, I'm still here.
I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm all that, but I'm still here. There's got to be a reason why I'm still here.
I'm strong. I know that there will be an end. There will be a day when this doesn't hurt, where this doesn't destroy me, when these thoughts won't wake me up in the middle of the night.

I've spent the last few months in a stupor, one way or the other. I've drank until I can't clearly remember what happened the night before. I've stayed up until all hours of the night babbling about nothing in particular, or watching movies because I'm afraid to sleep.
I've brought my children to bed with me because I can't bear the thought of sleeping alone. Sleeping alone terrifies me. I'm using them as my barrier. I'm letting them be my excuse for not carrying on. For not facing what I need to face to move on.
I'm stuck. Again.
I've slipped from my track of thinking about myself positively. I can't see any beauty. I'm avoiding mirrors. I'm not letting pictures of me being taken. I'm hiding out at home. I'm not going out, facing the public. When I do go out, I put on that mask. The mask that I need to hide behind that makes me feel worth the life I'm consuming.
I'm so deeply afraid that if anyone knew just how much turmoil boils inside of me that they won't want to associate with me. I'm afraid that they will tell me what I'm so deeply afraid to hear.
I want to cry. I want to hold it in. I want to forget. I want to pretend it didn't happen.

I'm lying on a bed, in a stupor. I can hear the crowd in the other room. I'm trying to sleep off what I've consumed. We were all having a great time. I thought I had found people to trust myself with. I didn't.

The Light

2011-02-09T12:37:00.000-08:00

I can see the light!
We're finally coming out of the fog here.
I've come to realize that illness can spread a lot more easily in a small, rural community than it does in bigger cities.
Over the last month our small community has suffered from an outbreak of Norwalk Virus.
My lil D-man caught it, and it had him down for two weeks. Longer than they predict it usually should last, but I think he caught it twice, if that's possible.
H is finally getting over a nasty head cold that had him snotty and slobbery as all get out.
I've tired now, and I'm sick of dealing with sick kids. I want everyone better, and I want everyone happy right now. My patience in this department is now next to nil. there is seriously only so many times I can stand to sanitize the hell out of my house in a limited time span.
Things have been going rather smoothly I guess...even though I've changed my schedule at least a dozen times to accomodate home hours w/the kids.
I'm starting my fundraising for the local Playschool that I volunteer for. Hopefully I can get enough done by the time it comes round for us to hold the event.
The boys have joined gymnastics, and are doing well with this venture. They both really enjoy it.
I'm still working a couple of hours per week at the daycare, and I'm enjoying my time with the children, as they all seem really quiet whenever I'm there. We've been playing a lot of hide-and-seek in the snow when we go outside together. It's fun.
I'm on strike right now. I realized that by the end of this month, we'll have lived in this area for an entire year already. Feels like time flew by. That being said, this also means we've been without a proper bed for that long as well. I'm hoping to get one within the next month, but who knows what the future is holding for us.
Mr is coming to the end of his work contract, and it's up in the air if he's going to continue on with this venture. At least, that's what I've gathered.
We took a trip to Kelowna about 2 weeks ago, the first time back there for the family since the summer time. It was nice, as the kids had a need to see their other family members. They got their fix, us parents got ours.
I'm continually surprised at just how much more snow we get here than we did down there. Tons, and it seems to come at least once a week. The temperatures fluxuate, but it's never warm long enough to melt anything but the roads, as most snow piles here are as tall as the road signs they're piled against. I continually joke about throwing the kids in the back yard, and losing sight of them in the smow drifts cause it's so deep out back. I don't really, but you almost get that feeling. The first step off the back porch and you sink in past your knee.
D has been taking Cross Country Ski lessons for hs Gym class, and begins Downhill Ski lessons next week as another portion of the Phys Ed curriculum. There's a small ski hill in town that they'll be travelling to, and D is both excited and scared, as he's never done any skiing before. Mr has offered to go with him though, so should be alright.
I can hardly believe it's been almost a year in this town, and this job. Feels like we've been here a lot longer than that, and it feels like we just got here, at the same time.

Feel Like Not A Whole Lot

2011-01-21T07:53:00.000-08:00

Not much action blog-worthy going on here.
I gotta say that having a two-working-parent household is a little more difficult than I thought it would be. I find myself exhausted after work, and I have a lot more running around to do. I can appreciate now how difficult it is to spend quality time with the kids after work for both of us. We do make an effort to keep tired voices from raising and to keep ourselves sane. I can admit, though, that it can be quite trying to ensure everything runs smoothly, and to ensure that everyone is cared for properly while we work. These past couple of weeks we've been experimenting with different friends' caring for the kids, but are quickly boiling it down to those whom we trust with our kids, and those whom we don't. Am considering finding a sitter for two days per week for the days I'm in daycare w/H, but we shall see what happens, and if anyone is available.
I'd like to make a trip to Kelowna sometime soon, but am unsure when that will be. Am working on savings for the trips we plan to take, and also on a list of items I would like for the house, that I've always wanted, but haven't really seen as something I could get. It's nice to be able to make a list like that. I'm enjoying that freedom.
I've gotten myself worked into a bit of a schedule, and have found a niche with how to get the kids ready to go int he mornings and how to get everything done in a day.
We've signed both kids up for Gymnastics, on seperate nights of the week. They enjoy having something extra-curricular on the menu of things to do, as they haven't had this since we left Ohio, really. Though we did try Scouts for a bit, it wasn't worth it in the end.
It's been snowing a lot here lately, which is nice. I have been avoiding shovelling my driveway, opting instead to 4x4 over the mound that the plow leaves behind. I regretted doing that yesterday when I got the truck stuck trying to get into the driveway w/the kids in it. Of course, it had snowed over 8 inches in 24 hours, and the mound was considerably large, and had not been worn down at all. I made plans, once we got the truck into the garage, to go out and shovel that mound out of the way. Just thinking about it made me feel worn out, but I need to be able to get in and out of the driveway, cause I have no plans to dig myself out when I gotta get to work. I got the kids ready for bed, and as I got them out of the shower, I seen lights on the driveway. A Co-worker of Mr's was out in our driveway with his little ATV & plow clearing out a path for our truck in the snow. Seriously...that guy is my hero.
I have some people coming over this weekend to help me clean out my storage room as well, as it's a scary sight, and out of the norm for organization. I'm glad it'll be getting done, and ready for the seasonal items to go back in.
I'm making plans to set up D's bunk bed, as he's starting to ask for sleepovers with friends. He's never had one, and I'd much rather prefer having his first one with a friend over here than have him do the first at someone else's home.
Spending this morning doing small errands with my lil H, before heading to the Daycare for the afternoon. I'm sure enjoying myself with the kids, it feels good to be sparking imaginations again.

Mobile Uploads 2010 Favs

2011-01-10T16:18:00.000-08:00

I've spent a significant amount of time over the past three days working on clearing off my old computer, and moving it all onto my External Hard Drive. That also means I've been transferring a lot of photos to my Flickr account as well. Something I'm guilty of not attempting since last August. This also means I've loaded all of my Mobile Pix from my hotmail to my drive as well...here's a few of my fav shots...

H, sitting next to a baby cow in Little Fort this past spring. --->

<---I wonder how many of my readers will catch this refrence?

We live so close to the school, but we started practicing the walk early. The boys will be walking by themselves next year...woulnd't you love to see this as you drive by a school?--->

<---My beautiful cousin's newest familial addition. He's got the longest fingers I've ever seen on a baby, must be pre-destined to be a great piano player :o)

Mr has been working very hard to fit in comfortably with my family ever since he met them. He spent a significant amount of time fishing this summer, and though he never caught anything worth bringing home to three extra mouths, it certainly doesn't mean he never caught anything at all.--->

<--- While Mr was fishing, the kids & I visited my Gramma, and walked to the local convenience store to grab a treat for ourselves and occupy our time. BTW, this is the only Subway between Jasper & Kamloops if you ever happen to travel Hwy 5 North.

2010 In Reflection

2011-01-08T22:55:00.000-08:00

It's a new year, so I guess it's time to purge those thoughts from the last.
I've got a job which is challenging, and incredibly rewarding. It has it's ups and down, and it's possible (though, not very likely) that I could lose it come March (the person I took over for went on Mat leave for 1 year, but she has moved).
I've begun working in daycare, a field, which, at one point in time, seemed like a dream that I'd never reach.
I have officially attended college, and I'm eager to continue studying in the field I got started in by accident. That being said, it also refreshed my dreams of continuing my education in other fields that were once an option I had considered for myself.
I kind of fell out of blogging. I feel badly about this, but there is a point when you can only read so much moping without getting snappy about reading the same old shit over and over. While my life still has it's ups and downs, the past 7 months have made it increasingly difficult for me to focus on the positives like I usually do. I have survived a nervous breakdown, a scandal that could've hurt a lot of people that I care about, and issues that threw me right back to square one with my reflections and feelings towards men. I worked as much as I could to making myself take steps towards being able to trust myself around those gentlemen who call themselves my Mr's friends. While this has proven difficult, I have made progress to a degree.
I stopped HNT-ing. This upsets me, and really shows how much I've fallen off track with my outlook on myself. It's difficult to take pictures and see them as beautiful, when you just don't feel it. You really have to feel comfortable to take the shots I take, and I haven't felt like that in a long time. While this wasn't intentional, it's glaringly obvious I need to do some self evaluation to figure out what would make me feel most comfortable to get me going again. That being said, I'm also suffering from two broken cameras that will need to be sent to the manufacturer to be repaired before I can start again. I feel fairly ill-equipped without cameras, and am considering v-logging as an alternative...but we'll see how far I get in that venture.
I'm happy with my marriage. After 9 years together, and an immeasurable amount of tribulation, I'm content with how we have settled with one another, and trust my Mr completely. Three years ago I wondered if I would ever trust him again, and I'm happy to report that I am finally over this avenue of demise. We're both working...and have a friendly joke about it because he's becoming more "Canadian-ized" and making more than I am. Work suits him, and I'm glad he's happy with the position he holds right now. I do fear for his safety while he works and volunteers though, and this surprises me...I've never thought about how much he and his safety means to me. I fear losing him. I fear that he will be hurt, and I'm proud of what he has stepped up to be in this small town. His ability to give himself so freely encourages me to continue digging myself out of my shell, and his support has helped me to continue my own self-exploration. I can honestly say now that I do truly love my husband, and I don't need to voice a reason why (though there are many) and give it justice to anyone.
This year we're looking at actually planning and saving for many avenues of family fun, that we've never been able to consider before. This marks the year where things start going right for us. We've worked hard to make it this far, and dammit, I'm ready to see the fruits of our labor! We're planning a trip to Whitehorse for a family wedding, and a trip somewhere (we're pulling for Vegas) for our 10th anniversary. We have plans for a second vehicle, and a beginning to the rebuild of our credit. We are officially "making it" on our own. All of our bills are caught up (they've made the BC Driver's License look really ugly BTW), there's plenty of food in the cupboards, and our kids don't need anything...but that doesn't stop them from wanting ;o)
Life is moving on, and I'm finally ready to say that I'm a grown up. I like the way that feels. But, if it's okay with you, when I'm in Daycare, I'd still like to be a kid!

On The Bright Side

2010-12-21T13:52:00.000-08:00

While we still have chosen not to go the route of Sattelite or Cable television in our home, I have discovered AccuRadio Holidays channel, and am sighing with a big heart in my eyes.
I do my baking, cleaning, and reading with my laptop close-by and music in any genre playing til my heart`s content.
Just thought I`d share :o)

It's So Close

2010-12-21T10:43:00.000-08:00

It's been a great season so far. other than the fact that I am busy as all get out. ;)
I've been hired back on in the Daycare at work, and as such, come the New Year, I will be working alone in the daycare on two afternoons during the week. Kinda scary, but this will definitely inspire me to further my Early Childhood Education certifications.

Winter is turning out to be all I expected it to be in this region, and I won't lie...I'm loving it!
There's snow when there should be snow, there's muffled quiet, and there's beauty in every tree I can see from my kitchen window.
I have officially survived the Christmas Parties that I had planned on attending, and removed myself from the guest-list of those I decided I didn't have the energy for. I'm continually amazed at how much energy Christmas is taking from me this year.
I'm at home this week. I thought I had a hangover on Sunday, then I realized when I woke up the next morning, (and the morning after) that I must have caught a version of the stomach flu that is circulating in our area. It sucks. I just now got the idea to place buckets randomly throughout the house. I wish I had thought of that before.
My tree is up, my home is as decorated as it's going to get. I've gotten the makings for Christmas Dinner, and my mom has H for this week (thank goodness!). All those relatives who will be joining us, and a few who were un-expected, will be arriving soon.
Ready for the holiday. And, honestly, I didn't buy any gifts for anyone else, besides the kids. It feels kinda weird, and Grinchy, but I think I may be able to get used to it.
I'm lookin forward to having some time with family, but will also be working through the holiday season. Shame.

Normalcy

2010-12-06T20:55:00.000-08:00

And life is back to normal. The kids had it out with me over the weekend, I spent the entire day with them at home today, and now we're gearing up for a non-stop Christmas round up for the next three weeks.
I truthfully don't know when I'm even going to get an opportunity to do any Christmas shopping, but we will just have to wait and see and seize some spontaneity.
We had a birthday party for a friend on Saturday night that went fairly well, with a non-rowdy crowd and a friend jammin out on his guitar.
Mr picked up a short-term side job that'll end just before Christmas, and I managed to pick up a few hours at the daycare. All in all, should be a bit of an adjustment with the hustling around that I'll have to do, but nothing I can't manage.
I'm enjoying the snow and cool temps here at home, that weren't there in Vancouver when I visited. It's nice to be back in snow and normal winter temps, rather than silly rain!
Looking forward to heading back to work tomorrow.

2010-12-02T15:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I've learned a lot over the past four days, and today I received my certificate to prove it!
I'm tired, but happy.
I'm headed to visit with family before I leave tomorrow in the early morning hours.

Day Three

2010-12-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

I people watched lastnight.
I watched as people seemingly not paying any attention to what they were doing avoided bumping into each other as they charged through skytrain stations. I watched people honestly pay for their fare, even though no one was there to check.
I watched lovers say goodbye to one another. I watched friends greet each other, their faces lighting up as they spotted one another through the crowd.
I witnessed anxiety on professionals faces as they prepared to enter a room of their peers.
I watched the poor beg for money, cigarettes, a place to stay.

Life is amazing when you consider just how many others are living it, through whatever it is that they are experiencing.

I caught the new Harry Potter movie with my uncle lastnight, and really enjoyed myself. Neither of us were in a hurry, and we strolled through the evening streets of downtown Vancouver chatting away the night. It's hard to remember the beauty of this place when you're hustling through, trying to make it to your destination on time. With no other commitments, we admired the lights, and the people, the store windows, and each other.
I'm reminded just how glad I am that in a city of unending bustle, that I know someone who genuinely cares about me, and who's willing to listen to the rambling thoughts in my head.
It's a good day today, and I'm glad I'm here.

First Day Down

2010-11-29T17:43:00.000-08:00

I'm ready to be inspired.
My first day of training is down. I'm ready and waiting for the inspiration that I know is coming.
I was comfortable in the class I was in, I'm 1 of 16 total, and have really enjoyed myself so far.
There are four more days left.
I took a 7 hour bus ride to get here. I'm in a room with a king sized bed on the 15th floor, and the traffic is still really loud. I'm amazed that it's so loud here, and that there was a time where I could sleep through so much hustle and bustle.
I'm meeting up with my aunt and uncle tonight, and we're going to catch the new Harry Potter. So excited to see if I can complete my homework assignment.
Giving three random people a positive compliment on something they've done.

A Pleasant Surprise

2010-11-24T20:28:00.000-08:00

I cleaned my office and re-arranged everything in it to make it more appealing to the eye. I share my office with someone who runs a different program from me. Therefore, it's full of various bins with items in it reserved for different programs. My office has been an eyesore for ages. I got tired of it today...and I was frustrated with some of my research and wanted a distraction. I'm happy with it now, but would feel better if I could bring in some curtains to hide the eyesore behind my desk that would normally be a closet.

I checked the mail today after I finished work.

I opened the PO Box to find a stiff envelope addressed to D from Immigration. He received his Citizenship Card today. He is now an official dual citizen (which he always was, but we hadn't actually filed the proper paperwork ensure the government recognized this) of the USA and Canada.
This means that once we get a notarized copy of his card and ship it off to BC MSP (The Medical Services Plan), CTB (Child Tax Benefit), and CIC (Citizenship and Immigration Canada), that we will substantially raise our income within the next month, and potentially have Mr as a Permanent Resident by March 2011.
For once, things are actually working out.
I have reason to hope they may actually flow smoothly.

2010-11-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

It's going down to -27 C tonight. In the middle of a cold snap. Sposed to clear up by the weekend...which is good, because I'm traveling to Vancouver to finally receiving my Home Visitor Training. I'm staying at a swanky hotel for 5 nights by myself. Yay!

Man Memories

2010-11-08T20:41:00.000-08:00

***Usual family disclaimer. Graphic and detailed, leave or read, but don't mention it to me***

I'm finding it difficult to look in the mirror these days.

I'm thinking it may be time to pick my camera up, and look for that beauty I always seemed to find with my timer. I miss the self-exploration, and the freedom it gave me. Haven't really done that a lot over the past few months. Really, there's just not many pictures of me from the past 7 months, and that says a lot to me.

I've always had a tough time trusting men. From what I grew up with, who can blame me?
I'm going to go through some details from a point in my past which I truly try to forget. They've been preying on my mind lately, because of an issue that arose recently.

Right now, I know I'm back to square one. I don't care for this fact, not one bit. It really feels like it's just been done so many times, how many more fresh starts can I possible stand to do?
I was complaining today, the past month, in fact, about not having my usually collection of decorations, both for Halloween and Christmas, that I'm accustomed to. Normally this wouldn't deter me, but As I'm starting over again with learning this self love, I really feel overwhelmed by the fact that that's just another thing to add to the list.

Anyways, on with the memory purge...

I'm 10 years old, and my Great Grandfather is visiting my Gramma. It's the middle of the day, but he's drunk. He's getting ready to go hunting, and he insists on kissing all of the girls goodbye. When I kiss him he gropes my bum and shoves his tongue in my mouth. I can taste the beer he's been drinking for hours afterwards.

I'm 12, and my friend invites me out to drink. She's a scungy person, in a run down home with no adults present in it...ever. She takes me hitch hiking with her around in Kelowna. One night this guy picks us up, offers to buy us alcohol, and insists on driving us up onto the back forest roads to polish of a bottle of whatever it was he bought for us. Eventually he manages to split us up. I've lost my friend in the woods, and it's starting to get dark. Somehow we find each other, and convince him to take us back close to her home and escape without him being able to find us.

I'm 13, it's summertime. I'm at a random party, which another street girl has led me to. There's drugs everywhere, and somehow, the girl who brought me to the party disappears. I'm left to sleep curled up alone on a chair until the sun rises, and I run out of the house because the few remaining partiers are trying to drag me into their bedroom.

I'm 13, and I've hitchhiked down to Penticton from Kelowna (A 45 minute drive away) for no reason. I wanted a change of scenery. I walk the streets, veg on the beach in the night, and eventually make my way to their Denny's, as it's the closest landmark I can think to walk to that's open so late. I wind up hooking up with a group of people (a girl and two guys). They invite me back to their apartment, and I go along. I don't recall how many days I was there for, but I know I was panhandling for money to buy myself a meal or two while I was there. The girl eventually leaves because she knows the guys are fighting over me. I've not shown any preference for them, as I wasn't interested. One night we partied, and they got into a fight in front of me about who's going to get down my pants first. I leave the next morning and never see them again.

I'm 15 and I'm spending the evenings at a trusted friends house. I can't recall why I'm so upset, but I feel safe going to his house and spending many a night there. I've always slept in the bed with him, and felt safe. Maybe that's why I go so often. One morning I wake up to find him grinning, and not able to keep it to himself. Eventually I ask why he's grinning so much. Just as I'm climbing on the city bus headed for home, he whispers in my ear that I have really perky breasts. I look at him quizzically, and he grins and says he couldn't resist copping a feel in the middle of the night. I never go and visit him again.

I'm 13 and have spent a glorious summer night next to a bonfire at a friends' house with a guy friend she had over. We talked, and he held me while we stared at the stars all night. The next day my friend teases me because he told her we did it. I vehemently deny it, but she says she knows I did it with him because I'm a slut. I felt betrayed because I actually thought he liked me.

I'm 14 and I've spent a few nights having "phone sex"with some random guy my cousin introduced me to (with cousin giggling while she's watching me, and me covering the phone whenever I need to laugh). I somehow manage to get invited to go camping with his friend and him. I go with them for the night, but in the middle of the night I step away from their fire to go pee, and he follows me. He pins me on a hillside and gets my pants down. I'm struggling and asking him to stop. Eventually his friend pulls him off of me and lets me sleep in his truck with the doors locked.

I'm 14 at a party with my friends who live in the complex where my home is located. I've had too much to drink and smoke, and am on the verge of passing out in my friends bed, knowing I'd be safe if I did. A few of my friends climb into bed with me and begin to kiss my neck. I'm disgusted by the fact that my body responds, and one of the boys calls himself my little brother, and quite often looks to me for protection.

I'm 19 and have broken up with my first husband. I've polished off a big bottle of whiskey before I head to the bar and convince someone to buy me more, even though I'm under age. He takes me to his truck, and while we're drinking in the backseat, he excuses himself. He's gone a long time, so I lie down in the backseat and pass out. I wake up to him on top of me, rutting like a bull, and grunting in the most grotesque way. I'm so drunk I just let him finish, rather than try and fight him.

I'm 19 and I'm signing myself up to be a model. When I arrive, I find it's just some sleazeball looking to take pornographic pictures. He pays me $100 to take my picture in lingerie he had stuffed in his closet. I'm so high I don't care, but when I get home and tell the people I live with, they ask me to show them what poses I did. I polish off a box of wine before I comply, and come to to find two men sucking my nipples and masturbating on me before I come back to my senses and break for my bedroom.

I'm 19 and I'm stripping at a bar about 30 minutes away from where I live. I'm showering and getting ready for work when a roommate of mine leads in a group of his guy friends in to watch me shower and shave. I'm high again, the people I've moved in with have me on a steady stream of cocaine that's really strong. I didn't realize the group of guys was there until I'm almost finished. I yell at them to get out and leave me alone, and struggle to remember how long they had been watching me.

I'm 29 now. This shit is supposed to be over and done with. Turns out, it's not.
I'm back to not trusting men.
It takes all I have in me to talk to my clients' significant others, to meet my co-workers gazes, and to chat amicably with my Mr's friends without bolting and making a break for the door or cowering in fear. Thankfully, my children have been there when that happens, and I use them as an excuse. I know that won't last. I'm working my way back...to trying to trust men. To finding that safe ground. I feel violated, demeaned, and like I'm never ever going to find a sanctuary again.
I'm faking everything outside of my own home. I'm making sure my kids don't see my anxiety. I'm medicated. I'm back to square fucking one and frustrated as shit and the injustice of it because it's just not fucking fair that I am who I fucking am.

9 Years Later

2010-11-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

I'm celebrating with my Mr today. It's out 9th anniversary today. It's gloriously beautiful outside, clear and bright. The kids spent the night out at another family members' house, so we woke up on our own this morning, and not to the usual questions.
It feels like a special day, now I'm off to see what I can make of it!

Chemical Bliss

2010-10-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

It is more apparent to me, that I don't function like other people do.
I've often watched others, and wished that I could interact like they do, or had the unconscious grace in the way they carry themselves...or maybe wished that I don't feel the way I do about myself, or the way I work.

I know my blog is dark lately, it's not as filled with random thoughts filling my head and entriesas it was when I stayed at home.
Everyone has those times...this is mine.

I know I'm still too hard on myself. I know I'm not working on the progress to surpass my upbringing. I've lost sight of the goals and paths for those for the time being.
I can feel myself gazing longingly at people who don't have my background, wondering what it must've been like to know value, self worth, and have people believe in you.
I'm a better parent, but I'm so far gone from where I'd like to be that it's difficult not to give up, give in, and just say fuck it.
Sure...I could be tired, over worked, stressed, in need of a moment.
There are times where I long to scream out everything in my heart, in my mind, and on the tip of my tongue.
There is no one I trust in my realm with all of those...and so I come here to let a little steam out, just so I can keep on going.

I want to drink myself to a stupor, I want to forget who I am. I want to smoke a joint, snort a line, and down a tab.
I don't see that I'm worth any fuss. I don't see beauty. I don't see charisma, or tenacity. I don't see determination. I don't see a reason.
I see that little girl, standing there tattling, and no one wants to hear me.
I feel alone, without direction.
I feel valueless.
I'm just here.
Why am I just here?
I don't want my children viewing me in this state, never have.
How long can this last? It's been months already...literally.
I want to forget.
I want to forget that I'm sleeping in the bed I made.
I want to forget that the only reason why I'm here is because I was too fucking stupid to walk away.
I want to forget unhappiness, and live in bliss.
I don't give a fuck right now if it's chemically made.
Someday.

For the time being, I'll keep my head down, and move on minute by minute, and pray the the next one isn't as bad as this one.

Clearwater Times - Grade 4s learn fire safety

2010-10-25T07:37:00.000-07:00

Clearwater Times - Grade 4s learn fire safety
Look, it's my Mr!

On Turning 29

2010-10-18T18:23:00.000-07:00

I'm officially 29 years old today.
I'm tired today. Mainly because I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning to play Super Mario Galaxy 2 (an early birthday gift from MIL before she left for Ohio).
It was a long day at work today, with a wonderfully pleasant surprise visit from my Grandparents, who decided to pop in and drop off a gift for me and give me a much needed hug.
This past Saturday, we ventured over to a friends' house for dinner, where Mr surprised me with another party in my honor, which included some splendid decorations, a made-from-scratch cake (the awesomest ever!), and the comfort of just being with people whom I knew appreciated me.
It was a lovely weekend, tinted with a twinge of sadness, because I've made yet another mistake.
My driver's license officially expires today. I've not the things I need to renew it quite yet, though I'm about three quarters there. This is due to me ignoring the issue, and from taking the two weeks off in the beginning of September catching up with me.
So, I'm tired today, because I know this is my own doing, and I could quite possibly lose my job because of it. I'm holding my breath, waiting for the worst, but hoping for the best...because hope is honestly all I have left.
So, I'm 29 today. I've gotten birthday wishes from nearly everyone I know, and I'm happy with that. I'm officially on my last year of being a twenty-something person, and this time next year will enter what I hope will be my more idealistic years.
I hope to god that when my 30's do arrive that they are gentler on me than my 20's were.

HNT: Baking

2010-09-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a bit of time in the kitchen lately. With a family my size, it's best to start early preparations for those feasts we plan to share.

Thursday Thunks

2010-09-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

click here to play

101. When was the last time you went to the doctor? Do you like your doctor?

I saw my about 10 days ago. No, I don't really care for any of the Dr's I've seen in my small town yet. I'm hoping as I get to know some of them that that will change...but I doubt it.

201. My back is itching, will you scratch it for me?

Umm, no. I'll be happy to pass you the back scratcher or point you to the best doorway for the job though!

301. Do you have nice handwriting?

I don't care for it, no.

401. We are sending you to either New Zealand or Canada, which one do you choose?

New Zealand...I'm already in Canada. Unless you want to send me to Whitehorse next summer to attend my Uncle's wedding, then I'm all game!

501. Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes

601. Have you ever been streaking? If so, how far did you streak and did anyone see you?

Yes, across a football field at night...in the snow. I dunno if anyone saw me.

701. How soon is too soon for Christmas decorations and music playing in the stores?

The beginning of November. I don't wanna hear that stuff until December.

801. If you celebrated Halloween as a kid what was the costume you wore at 5?

F-if I can remember. Mom...help me out here!

901. How many cavities have you had in your life?

Lots.

1001. Berleen and Bud come to Arizona to visit Kimber. Who do you think will decide it's too hot here first?

Kimber!

1101. Who do you think will ask TT questions next week?

All 3 of you should ask 2 questions each!

Clearwater Times - CRC showcases featured courses at open house

2010-09-28T15:19:00.000-07:00

Clearwater Times - CRC showcases featured courses at open house
I got an honorable mention for the bags I created below

Fused Plastic Bags

2010-09-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but starting late next month, I'll be teaching a sewing class in the itty bitty town that I live in.
I'll be teaching folks (up to 6 in the class total) how to make their own Re-Usable shopping bags out of whatever they choose to bring.
There's an open house tomorrow at the center where I'll be teaching at, and they've asked me to bring some bags that I can leave there as demonstrations to promote my class. I'll be promoting for about an hour tomorrow after I get off of work, and I'm kind of nervous.
I'm confident that I can teach people how to sew (after all I've taught Mr). I'm always nervous when it comes to displaying my work because I'm afraid everyone is as much of a perfectionist as I am...lol
I whipped these up tonight. I've been waiting for ages to try out fusing plastic bags together (remember this post?) to use in a project. This provided exactly what I needed. I snagged some bags from Gramma's immense collection, her parchment paper, and got down to business.
These are the fabulous finished products I've come up with. While I'm still working on what feels most comfortable to fuse the bags together, and which ones I want to use, I really enjoyed this.
The first entire bag is recycled material. Plastic bags, a Pottery Barn ribbon, and an adjustable waist elastic tab from a pair of jeans I bought a year or so ago for H. The only thing that wasn't recycled was the thread.
The second bag is a combination of fused plastic bags, some denim I had laying around, a pink length of upholstery decoration, some costume jewelry and green binding.
I'll be trying different projects out for this technique in the future, these were just to get the ball rolling.
I'm rather pleased with how these projects turned out, and I hope everyone who comes to the Open House tomorrow is as excited about this upcoming project as I am. I hope I get a full class, it would be extremely flattering, I think.
It feels good to be creative.

Thursday Thunks

2010-09-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

The TT questions are brought to you by Berleen, the color of my kitchen table and the number 45.

10. What number blog post is this for you?
1,392

9. You are driving down a road and your GPS says turn right, but the road has a Dead End sign. You check your GPS and according to it's map, there is a road at the end of the Dead End road that you need to turn onto. Do you follow the GPS?
Hell no, I turn around and ask for directions...or take my estimated guess at which road will get me closest, then ask for directions.

8. If you had a $2 bill, would you spend it?
Nope, I have a couple tucked away in various piggy banks & old record books & such. Have em, don't ever intend to spend em.

7. When there is nobody else around and you sneeze or cough, do you cover your mouth?
Yes, that's when I usually just sneeze into my shirt or whatever...it's when people are around when I forget to cover it, LOL

6. You are a DJ at a radio station and your first guest is Bud... what is the first question you are going to ask him?
What sort of a playlist would you recommend?

5. Have you ever stopped to help a stranger with a flat tire?
No, I don't know how to change one...but I have had people stop to help me change a flat tire...mainly why I can't change one.

4. You get on an airplane and you find that your seat neighbor is Kimber... what do you talk about or do you ignore her completely?
I ask her how her kids are, what Anthony's up to, and how on earth she manages to find time to blog in all that chaos!

3. Have you ever rode an elephant?
Yes I have. There was a circus in my birthtown one year and they had elephant rides for the kidlets. I just remember it being very slowly bouncy, hairy and smelly.

2. Time to bitch & moan! What is your biggest complaint about your current friends on Facebook?
I don't really have any complaints about my friends of Facebook. Maybe I don't follow them closely enough?

1. School is back in session for all little girls and boys now. What, in your life, changes when kids go back to school?
It gets a whole lot quieter, we have more scheduled playdates, and we actually plan our meals!

Broken

2010-09-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

Well, life is back to normal round here, barely.
I've shipped off H again to mom's house in Kelowna...until the end of the month. It's too difficult for me to cope with both boys after coming home. I can't expect my Mr to do everything all the time either, as my mental health has an effect on his mental health. We both really just need a break from constant demands.
D is back in school, enjoys his classmates and teacher, but is angry at us because we won't let him walk or ride his bike to school on his own yet. We saw a bear across the street over the weekend, can ya blame us?!
I'm back at work, after a two week nap. I slept a lot, and made a permanent imprint on the pallet/bed where I sleep.
I've made a Dr's appt for Friday to see if I can score a referral to someone who will do my counseling over the phone so I'm not required to drive 90 minutes one way to the nearest person who will see me on a weekly basis. If that doesn't work out, I can try the Aboriginal approach. If that doesn't work out, I am seriously considering hospitalizing myself.
There've been a number of days where I just have not felt right. Days where I know my mood is weird, even for me. Days where I know the thoughts in my head are not from anyplace near rational. Some of the thoughts in my head are thoughts I've had before, then on those weird days I get some from left field that have never occurred to me before. Those thoughts are dangerous, and it's all I can do to keep them at bay.
Don't even get me started on the dreams I've been having.
I'm wondering if working right now is the best thing for me...seriously. How can I expect to take care of anyone else, if I'm not taking proper care of myself first.
As I sit back and look at things with this skewed perspective, I wonder how on earth I've ever survived the issues I've been through. It's got to be a testament to my ability to keep on.
I'm a survivor.
It's time to stop surviving, and start living. The only way to do that is to stop and fix what's been broken, even if it's by baby steps. One way or the other, it's time to get started on that.

First Days of School

2010-09-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

Well, am having issues securing ongoing services for myself. It's a headache that I'm just not dealing well with. I'll get round to it and get it sorted out eventually, right now I just don't have the brain power for it.
I feel like sleeping a lot of the time, and do so with abandon.
I eat when I feel hungry, and drink when I feel thirsty.
Outside of those basic things, I'm finding it pretty difficult to function on any normal level.
You'd never know it to chat with me though. Other than being a bit spacey, I actually appear quite normal.
Darius had his first day of Grade 3 yesterday. They've spent the first two days of school keeping the children in something called "family groups" which doesn't really make any sense to me. Essentially they gave everyone a homeroom and group to spend time with until they know for certain how many students they have enrolled & how big they can expect class sizes to be. Tomorrow, D will find out where his permanent classroom and locker is.
We're working on the finer points of walking to school on his own. I'm so anxious over this matter, but I'm sure he'll do me proud. We live two houses down from the school, so I do have the ability to watch him from the edge of our yard from behind the fence if I want. haha.
Tonight is the first meeting for the Clearwater Playschool. Mr is the President, and I'm the Secretary. I'm not certain, now that this whole schamozzle has turned up, if we will continue these positions though. Sad. I don't like backing out of things I've willingly volunteered for...but if it's a choice between my sanity and devoting more than I have, I'll be forced to choose my sanity.
One day at a time, one journal entry at a time, and one mood at a time. I will work my way through them, if I just slow myself down.

Resting and Recuperating

2010-08-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

It's been an adventure. I'm so ready for this to just stop.
I'm at the verge of a breakdown, or according to my research in the middle of one(depending on which site you visit).
Here I am, attempting to arrange treatment for myself.
I'm a mess.
Two weeks worth of anti-depressants is not long enough for them to kick in.
I wish there was a magic wand that could be waved over my life, and make it all magically pretty and happy.
The sad reality is, it's the farthest thing from it.
I'm much harder on myself than I ought to be, and it's starting to show.
I need support. I need love. I need someone to take care of me.
I feel like a child. I feel incapable. I feel completely unhinged.
I really want to curl up and tuck myself away from the world.
I've taken a leave from work. Just shy of 6 months at this agency, and I've taken a leave.
While I did have to leave our town in a hurry, I'm happy that both of my supervisors are supportive of me in this avenue. I'm glad they both understand. It makes it easier.
Here's hoping I can find someone to treat me, and the ability to ensure this treatment can continue once I got home.
I'm hoping I can make it through this.

2010-08-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

Oh so tired.
It's been a fantastic visit. Full of fun times, and lots of card playing. Late nights, too much caffeine and potato chips. Heaven.
Fresh, clean air, and no bugs.
I love cable tv, and high speed internet, and cheap groceries. I love Timmies, and Little Ceasars, and Timmies...
I'm ready to go home I suppose.

2010-08-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

The kids and I have taken sanctuary in Kelowna. We awoke this morning to find it incredibly smokey, ans smelling distinctly like a campfire. We sleep with the windows open in the evenings to cool the house down for the next day. I woke up a few times in the middle of the night, thinking, gee, I thought campfires were banned. I realized in the wee hours of the morning that it was actually smoke from a fire quite a distance to the west of us.
When the morning light came round, the sun was blood red, and the smoke was touching the ground, leaving visibility at about 50 feet. The kids woke up coughing and with sore throats. I went to work, did my morning home visit, filled out my paperwork, and took off. Made some last minute arrangements, packed a bag or two, and hit the road. Mr drove us to Kamloops, where my mom picked us up and brought us back to her house.
This is the worst I've ever seen the smoke. It wasn't even this bad last summer or in 2003.
I was in heaven when I discovered the valley here was nearly entirely smoke free, with blue skies and bright sunshine.
I'm relaxed now. I hadn't realized just how tense I was while in the smoke, until I got out of it.
My only hindrance...I had to leave Mr at home by himself. Unsupported by those who love him.
I guess life will always have ups and downs, and what happens will happen. All I can do is keep trying.

Hanging By A Thread

2010-08-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

We are clinging to a small grasp of reality. String are all that hold our entire family up, and there's so much tension on them, I'm surprised they have not burst sooner.
While the children were away, we identified causes of tension that existed, which we had previously ignored.

Trying to deal with those issues with the children here really just feels impossible.

The amount of items that need to be dealt with are really just tallying themselves up. Where does one go when they stack so high you can't escape their shadows? It's not like I can just pick one and go from there, when they all have deadlines.

I'm not the only one in this boat either. It seems like my entire family, distant and close, are all suffering from this enormous reality clash that has the potential to swallow us all whole, until it seems we never existed at all.

It's all too much. I'm strong, but no one was ever made to face such things. How can I be expected to hold it together when I've fallen apart? I feel useless, aged, and exhausted. I feel incapable, and unable to face the reality that stares me in the face in the mirror each morning I wake.

I can see, that if things don't work the way they need to in the next 30 days, the potential to lose all that I've worked for in the last 6 months (or 9 years) will completely crumble.

Since March:

2010-08-12T13:34:00.001-07:00

I have had 7 clients enter (or re-enter) my program

2 of my clients found employment

3 of my clients quit smoking

1 learned the basics of nutrition, and grew by leaps and bounds

2 have begun drinking their recommended daily intake of water

2 completely cut out caffeine from their diet

1 learned how to ask for help

3 have gone on their chosen form of Birth Control

2 have made plans for a permanent form of Birth Control

1 resolved her financial issues, thus reducing the stress on her baby

2 are keeping regular prenatal visits without reminders

ALL OF THIS CHILDREN IN MY PROGRAM ARE UP TO DATE ON THEIR IMMUNIZATIONS

While I am only one half of the entire program, there is still a lot to be said of our accomplishments. When you stand back and take a look at the bigger picture. Surely it isn't all credited to me, but the program in general.

A lot of my stress of late is job-related. As my coping mechanisms haven't been up to par to meet this stress, it was really affecting my family life.

My first step, was to take a look at the accomplishments that my clients had made, and congratulating myself on being a part of that change.

I've posted this list next to my monitor on the wall in my office, and am now reading it daily, just to give me that boost. There are a number of things that I'm doing that I know regular Home Visitor's don't do, but I've never really been one to fit the mold. I'm taking steps to form this program to me, to how I best serve my clients. I'm doing whatever I can to ensure my clients are educated, and that I am identifying any issues that need to be addressed.

I've been here for nearly 6 months now, and I love my job.

What do I love most about my job?

I'm making a difference in a child's life.

Hiking & Time

2010-08-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

What a weekend!
Since the kids left, I was picturing my time away from them being filled with loads of restful sleep. Though it's true that I've been to bed earlier than usual each night, the fact remains that our days are just as crammed as when they're here.
Time filled with hiking, driving, and exploring the local area.
This weekend we headed about an hour (or two) north-east to Blue River, and their hills. They're farther up the valley towards Jasper, and consequently, their hills are steeper than ours are. We found one we thought looked promising to get to the top of, and headed off the beaten path. While the drive was pleasant, we did not make it to the top, as the road petered out closer to the top, and became impassable. We headed back to our valley and visited some friends who are as enthusiastic about horror films as I am.
Hiked to Moul Falls yesterday, and got soaked from the spray when I walked behind the falls to check it out. This hike went well, as there were a number of other hikers on the trail so we counted on the high population to drive the bears away.
Spent lastnight at my Gramma's, and woke up all full of motivation, so I cleaned a bit before we left.
It's been a very enlightening time alone with Mr. It's funny how much we depend on our children to shield us from the problems that are there, as they "always" come first. A very important lesson has come to light in our time alone, and that is to always show that we appreciate one another. Sometimes all we need it time...sometimes all we need is time alone.

Spent...but still in need

2010-08-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week.
I'm drained, spent, and have wasted away to a bare shell of a human.
Issues have arisen, again and again over the past few months, coming to a head on Wednesday, when I had an anxiety attack.
I had an anxiety attack in front of a client. I looked it up after I dropped off my client and raced back to my office. Place a check mark next to all of those symptoms.
A simple miscommunication was the cause, but it revealed to me something that I had kept shoving to the side, in light of more pressing attention grabbers.
I'm a tolerant, patient person. I've obviously reached my limit with this issue. I can't even think of the name of this cause without feeling anxious, a nervous pit in my stomach, sweaty palms, and a need for oxygen that can't be met.
I'm desperate. I'm fragile. I am in need.
So, I went and got myself a prescription for Effexor. That'll do the trick...numb my mind, so that what I'm thinking won't be so bad.
I'm irrational. I'm erratic. I'm lost.
I need a hug.

Raft Peak Adventure

2010-08-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting few days. We're surviving without kids, shockingly. I've always relied on my children for support, and affection. Their ignorance to all those huge stressors really helped me through. Their little hugs when I said I needed one really helped.
Thankfully, Mr is with me.
We had a busy weekend, visiting with friends, trying to keep ourselves occupied from the emptiness that is our house.
Yesterday we undertook a pretty intense hike to the top of Raft Peak. Well, we didn't really make it to the very top, sadly, an impending storm cut our hike short...that and my impending heart attack from too much oxygen. I think if we had actually made it straight to the top, we would've had a difficult time making it back down without me collapsing. I'm a lot more out of shape than I thought. Really, it wasn't all the panting as Mr was taking me straight up the face on loose shale. It was more the bugs. the bugs were terrible, and no amount of swatting kept them away. I swear that at one point one crawled into my ear and decided to camp out there, but no adverse side effects have shown themselves yet. It could have been the mouse sized spiders I saw scuttling between the rocks to avoid the stomp of my little sneakered foot. It could have been the pungent odor of bear.
When we finally did make it back down, the clouds opened up and let loose a humungo torrent of rain. We honestly couldn't tell just how close it was because the valley is so filled with smoke from the surrounding forest fires that we couldn't tell the difference between rain clouds and smoke.
It was an enjoyable experience though, and the sleep I got afterwards was next to heaven. A straight 10 hours of sleep, and I don't feel too bad today. I thought for sure that my knees were going to be screaming at me, but I'm not stiff, nor am I sore. Good business. Maybe it was that extra large plate of linguini with alfredo sauce that did the trick. Who knows.

The Slivers

2010-07-31T22:03:00.001-07:00

The Mom's arrived this weekend. Spent two days and are now prepping to whisk the kids away for the allotted time. It's been a rather enjoyable weekend. Puttering here, visiting there, and exploring places we haven't explored together.
As we were awaiting their arrival, Mr & I exchanged a few words while we tidied up a bit, and decided it was too damned hot in the house. A friend had discussed floating down one of the local rivers in the area, and we took him up on the offer. It was wonderfully relaxing, soothing, and the perfect temperature of water. The main bulk of this little river was really only about knee deep, and that was great, considering I let D float along behind me. H opted out of this one, and chose to walk along the shore with dad. This was a feat in itself.
Wednesday night we had visited this same friend. The kids were outside, racing around his porch (which wraps around his entire house) on various wheeled toys. I was chasing after H to put his shoes on, as the last time they did this he wound up with slivers in his toes that I had to remove, and he didn't enjoy it. Before I could make him keep his shoes on, he stopped, and told me he had a sliver, while hobbling over to have me get them out.
I removed between 18-23 that night when we got home, and the rest were too deep for me to get. I couldn't even tell which direction they were poking into his skin at. H was refusing to walk by this point. He crawled or tiptoed, or straight out refused to walk and insist you carry him.
I resolved to take him to the Dr the next morning, figuring they'd be able to give him a local or something so they could remove them. Dr appt. was made, and I picked up the boys to drop me off w/H at the Dr's while they carried on and set up at the beach. 30 minutes later, and the Dr we saw recommended we head south to Kamloops (90 minutes) to see a Pediatric Specialist, who is capable of sedating him to remove them all safely, in one piece, and all at once. OK. Panic button had been pushed, and I rushed around to cancel my afternoon plans. I packed what I needed, informed whom I needed to inform, and hit the road, picking up my Grandpa on the way for support. We got into Kamloops and made a quick stop at the bank (for my parking meter fare) and we headed straight for the ER at Royal Inland Hospital. We waited for Triage for a good 20 minutes, before they passed us through. They had been expecting us, and when the Triage nurse looked at H's feet, he winced and said he understood why.
We waited for a good 2 hours before they did the procedure, as they made sure any food he had eaten for lunch (no one told me not to feed him, and in panic I didn't even remember this simple rule) and got him settled down. The IV they gave him was hard on him, and he really wasn't pleased, but by the time he was calmed down from this he was almost falling asleep he was already so tired from the pain and emotions of the day. They began sedating him and attempted to start digging right away, but he really fought the drugs they gave him, and they wound up giving a very large dose. They took about 25 minutes to get about 23 large embedded slivers out of the bottom of his feet. He slept for 2 and 1/2 hours after the procedure was finished. I struggled with him to get him to come around because the dose was so large, he was very groggy and hardly knew what was going on. I held him for the entire procedure, and that is my saving grace.
There is hardly anything to compare (in my meager experience) how horrible it is to watch your child being sedated and put under.
I count my blessings that my Grandpa was there with me. I had refused to eat or drink, for fear that I would need to step away from the bed and leave H there alone. I realized that I was kind of hungry and asked him to go get me some coffee and a small bite to eat. Hospital time is so odd. It felt like forever, but also like a blink of an eye, and Grandpa was back with a big steaming cup of coffee and two super yummy breakfast sandwiches. He waited with me, and then he watched over H so I could go to the bathroom and clean myself up.
I was gone a total of 10 hours, I left town at 12:30 and didn't return until 10:30 at night. I was bone exhausted, and all I wanted was sleep, but once we curled up together I had a difficult time drifting off. He, on the other hand, slept like a rock straight through.
He limped a bit the next morning, and recounted vividly his harrowing tale to anyone who phoned to check up on him, and asked for special allowances all day, before we hit the river, and then, magically...everything was better.
I love that kids carry on after events such as these, it truly is an amazing thing to watch.
Oh, and I never took any pictures of the slivers, I really just didn't think they'd do it any justice, so I didn't even bother to try.

Our New Place

2010-07-27T23:12:00.000-07:00

This is my home. I've not taken better pictures of it than this, because I can't quite feel comfortable in it yet. I don't know why, but it just does not feel like home yet. I haven't quite been able to place my finger on why, but I'm sure it'll come to me sometime.
We now live in a one story ranch 3 bedroom home, where my rent is super cheap and all my utilities are included, plus my washer & dryer were supplied.
We even have a completely fenced in yard that surrounds 3 sides of my home. Heck, I can even have a cat, dog or any other furry creature I can think of if I want. My child can walk to school on his own in the fall. I can (and have) walk to work when I work at the Daycare now.
We've got friends beating down our door for playdates, and we're beating their doors down in return for BBQ's and new children to meet & entertain. I have everything in a home for my children that I've been yearning for since we've moved here.

I've enjoyed living here so far, but I still feel a bit depressed at the thought of leaving our beautiful little cabin in the woods.
We don't feel quite like a family since we've moved. Too many conveniences at our fingertips. A school playground close by, a tv in every room, *working* internet. We've lost touch of what it means to be a family. We no longer play spontaneous games that make us all giggle. I no longer feel energetic enough to find something to do, or a game to play.
Work is bringing me down, gotta scoop up some new coping mechanisms, be happy with the baby steps, and remember that I can only do so much. I've really got to stop being so hard on myself.
The kids leave this weekend with MIL for a 2 week vacation at her home in Washington. Two weeks without children, and I'm pretty sure both Mr & I will be lot for at least 13 of those 14 days. Should be fun to see what comes about from it. I'll try and remember to take pictures.
I cannot believe it's the end of July already. One more month and school's back in...god, now I get to figure out where I'm going to go and buy all of D's new school clothes from (I mean, in a small town you've got a pretty limited choice, right?)
Lots of reasons bringing this all about. I'll be making a Doctors visit to see if we can't get all the help we can get to solve this issue.

It's A Weekend!

2010-07-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

Lots going on here, the weeks are just whizzing by. both kids have now had their turns visiting relatives by themselves, and we've had a slow going of time at home. Home is comfortable, but I'm reminded daily of what a fish-bowl place I picked for us to live. Traffic drives by minute by minute, and I get the feeling that people are watching me. I live right across the street from someone I work with at the daycare, and the daycare manager moved into a house about a block away. Always interesting to consider that we are always being watched, even if we aren't.
The boys have been busy, playing with friends, joining C on his "Just Dads" pilot program, and in general enjoying their time off from schedules & over-structure.
C took D hiking with a friend of his, and this is a picture of it. They visited Silvertip Falls in Wells Grey Park. They had a lot of fun, and D so badly wanted to adopt a toad he found on the path while they were hiking. Alas, poor Toad had to stay behind.
We've been in a constant battle here. D is pushing, very hard, for a new pet. He's desperate for something he can cuddle. He doesn't want to get a pet that he has to share with everyone in the family, but one for himself alone. It's difficult to explain to an 8 year old, the need to wait until Immigration gives us confirmation that Mr can stay in the country. I was heartbroken when my last dog was given away, and I don't want him to get attached and then be forced to give up something he loves.
The kids have settled into the new house comfortably. They enjoy all their toys, the ability to play outside without fear of some wild animal attacking, and the ability to have friends over, should they choose it.
I'm feeling rather disheartened about my job these days. While I know there's only so much I can do, I am wondering if I shouldn't be more inclined to find some different coping strategies.
I haven't taken any pictures of the new house yet. Strange, but I've almost lost any passion I once had for taking pictures. I find I hardly even glance at my camera now. Amazing, even I find that one hard to ponder.
I'm happy to have internet at home, I almost feel lost when I go back to read all my favorite blogs, because I've been absent from the majority of them since March. That's a lot of catching up, I think. Oh well, the show goes on.

Brain Vacation

2010-07-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

I've been spending my time trying to say "oooohhhhm" and keep myself calm and cool.

I am just chiding myself for even asking for training here. I've almost worked myself into thinking that there will be a be-all, end-all salvation once I get that training. I know in reality that it will not work that way, but I am floundering so much I'm actually concerned that I am not serving my clients to my full potential.

That being said, I'm really trying to relax at home, and just let my brain go. Consequently I'm not able to go beyond the range of normal functioning. Nothing of the fancy stuff I used to do is getting done. I'm busy reading small, short books (for me), and vegging out while watching a DVD, or watching the kids play in the backyard.

It's been a long time since I've felt like this. I'm almost enjoying this feeling of prolonged uselessness. Almost. It's getting to be a kind of hindrance when it comes to planning, keeping track of things, and fixing things up at home. Meals are currently posing a great challenge, as I'm having difficulty getting them started at a decent time. Bedtimes are all out of whack, as I'm usually in charge of getting the boys ready for bed in the evenings.

About the only thing I'm staying on top of is my laundry :o)

I guess that's better than nothing.

D visited Alberta w/my Mummie in the first week of July, and H is currently visiting with a relative in Kamloops. Hafta go pick him up this afternoon. The last day of the month MIL will be picking both boys up to take to her house for two weeks. Should be interesting to see what we get up to all alone. Being down to one child is bad enough. It's just far too quiet with just one.

Lastnight we enjoyed a movie in the park, thanks to Fresh Air Cinemas. They showed "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs". It was a lot of fun, despite the fact that it got quite chilly, and it tried to rain us out. I brought plenty of blankets & extra clothing though, so it didn't bother D & I too much.

Mr had his first "Just Dads" program kick-off yesterday, to one dad & his kids. Friends of Mr's, but still...they count. He's hoping to have a better turn out tomorrow evening. Mr is piloting the very first Just Dads parenting support group for our area (to help fathers get involved), and I'm crossing my fingers that it turns out to be a success, as the area here is flooded with Stay At Home Dads who used to work in the local mills, which are all shut down right now. Currently myself and a couple of co-workers are telling all of the men we know, and passing the flyers on to those we serve. I hope, I hope, I hope.

We're nearly all settled into the new house by. Haven't gotten as many "family" pictures up as I'd like, but Mr seems to think they're better placed in bedrooms only, as opposed to out in the open. My brain is so slow that I can't come up with a retort.

I'm slowly working my way through a bunch of resources at work. Eventually I'll be able to pick out what I need and what I don't need.

I'm still floored, when I think about, that I am a Pregnancy Outreach Program worker.

there are all kinds of berries ripening in the valley now. I picked some Saskatoon Berries the other day, and fully intend to collect a bucketful or so of other wild berries that are out there to be had, when I get the opportunity. Hopefully I'll find the energy, time, and frame of mind to go and do it soon, as everything will be over ripening very soon.

I miss my home computer, and I've managed to lose my Flash Drive that I used to transport all of my pictures on to upload while I was at work. *sighs* I'll eventually get back to HNT...honest.

Catching Up

2010-07-16T12:40:00.000-07:00

My internet at home is having difficulties getting off the ground. We've had the local serviceman out to our home twice. Annoying. It may be something malfunctioning with my computer, as opposed to their equipment. Great, another comp expense I don't care to fork out for.

*sigh*

Anyhow. Suffered a meltdown at work this week, or rather, because of work. Had a particularly rough day at work, and hadn't realized it until I started pouring it all out to my MIL over the phone. I find it truly amazing just how much I blind myself sometimes. I just hadn't wanted to acknowledge that the situation I witnessed that day had really bothered me.

I'm continuing to push to be trained at work, as this current situation has really opened my eyes to how important it is for me to address concerns in the homes I am visiting on a regular basis. Not only am I there to address concerns, but I'm there to identify them as well. I've not yet acquired the knack of addressing them calmly without being able to bite back the god-awful judgments that I want to call down on them for.

A series of meetings all this week have helped me to address the issues, and form a plan of action that I am comfortable with implementing without assistance.

It is continually shocking to me that I still love my job, the people I work with, and the people I visit.
I am here to help them, and if I'm not doing it, I feel so disappointed, and nearly responsible.

I've always been too hard on myself when it comes to my own expectations.

That being said, at least it's come to light that I really do need to lighten up a bit. :o)

My mom is coming out for the weekend to be a vendor at the local Farmer's Market. My Gramma & Grandpa & their dog will be coming as well. So much for not entertaining through July. I'm happy with it though.

I was extremely depressed over how my home looked for the first two weeks we were in our new house, for whatever reason (you can add them all up and understand, but I'm not going to list them) and it has finally passed. My home is starting to look more like a home and less like a motel.

Mr's friend dropped off a kitchen table and four chairs for us, and I nearly kissed him for being such a dear, but I restrained myself.

I got the toys sorted out between the boys' rooms lastnight, and cleaned the bathrooms. The dishes are a constant eyesore, but oh well, just need to keep on top of them.

I've spent this week telling my kids how much I appreciate them for being them. I've been giving them extra hugs, feeding them extra food and tweaking their adorable chubby cheeks.

The family I visited this week had none of those things. The hardest part of that was knowing I'm the first stop before The Ministry (Or Child Protective Services) is called in to remove the children. I'm terrified when I consider that. I'm untrained. I possess a lot of common sense, yes, but that isn't enough to be considered professional enough to prevent child removal...is it?

Am spending today in the office sorting through different resources that have been passed my way, attempting to figure out what I can use and what I can't.

I'm feeling a bit more settled, a bit more comfortable...and, despite all of my belly-aching, I'm happier than I've been for a long time. Things are going smoothly, and despite my hindrances with my job, I know I'm secure in it, and the fact that my entire family is happy at the same time is speaking volumes to me.

I'm counting my blessings and holding them dear. Life is good.

2010-07-11T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm finding it so difficult to manage myself of late.
Last month the Dr put me on Birth Control, the strong kind. I'm sensitive to pills, often able to identify what they are doing when. I don't take Birth Control, and haven't since I was a teen. There's a reason for that.
I warned Mr when I started taking them, desperation to get my lady issues under control outweighed the side effects. Psh, suuuuuuuure they did Amber.
I must be a right terror to live with right now. I'm sure I've sprouted horns & a forked tail. I'm also certain these things are posing a risk to my health, given the thoughts in my head.
I hope the next 2 months left in my prescrip are going to be worth the torture I'm putting everyone through
On another note...I dunno if it's the pills, the fact that D was away for a week, or something I can't say out loud, but I can feel a severe bout of depression battling within me. Let's hope I can pull myself out and find my motivation again, because I sure miss it.

Only Me

2010-07-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

What a day!
I was bogged down by a severe bout of lazy.
When we finally got up and about, we took the kids to the McDonalds Playplace, and then to the grocery store. In between Ihad popped into the bank to withdrawl cash.
Our first night in the new house, I was swindled. By a most extreme tyrant.
I made a deal with D, that if he went around the yard and gathered all of the rocks that could possibly damage a lawn mower and place them in an inconspicuous place out of the way, that i would pay him $1 per bucket. About an hour and a half later he comes into the house and proclaims triumphantly that i owe him a grand total of $31. I didn't believe him, so I asked him to show me the pile of rocks he had collected, and sure enough, it was a significantly large pile.
Anyhow, I hit the bank machine to withdraw the money I needed to pay him, and give Mr some extra to take him accross town to the local arcade/mini golf place.
After all was said and done, we decided to go out again, to the fair...requiring another stop at the bank machine for me. Ugh, I despise places that deal in cash only. I popped in, put my bank card in, made my transaction, and when the screen said "Please remove your card" the machine only went click, click, click, click, click (by now I'm leaning closer to look into the slot) click, click..."TRANSACTION INCOMPLETE, MACHINE IS TEMPORARILY OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE CONTACT A BANK REPRESENTATIVE"
I let loose a very impressive string of expletives that would've curdled the ears of the faint of heart. Thankfully I was in the bank lobby alone.
I placed a call to the bank's 1-800 #, and the lady on the other end apologized for the inconvenience, and gave me the peace of mind of a cancelled card. She told me to go into the branch tomorrow to order a temporary replacement card until a regular one could be mailed to me...again. This'll be the second replacement card I've ordered since I opened the stupid account in March.
I've seriously never heard of anyone having their bank card being swallowed by a fricken machine...ever. Figures that it would happen to me on a Stat holiday in which the bank was not open.
Anyhow, managed to email money over to another account, withdraw, and head to the fair. I paid $30 for a wristband for D, highway robbery for only a grand total of 8 fair rides to choose from. He happened to find an old friend from school there, and they were gone. Enjoying the rides together. They managed to figure out the Tilt-O-Whirls by their 4th ride, and by their last d was getting kind of queasy. He had a fantastic time though, and I think it was a well spent $30.
Am currently awaiting this evening's Fireworks, which we'll drag D to...H will remain at home asleep in his bed.
This weekend is already turning out to be full of surprises and fun. I'm so happy to be in Kelowna for a much needed reprieve.
I'll get around to taking pictures, right now I'm just enjoying the fact that I can be on the phone while I'm on the internet at the same time.
Plus, it's Super Hero weekend on the Space channel!
Hooray for city life! Hooray for family!

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!

1st Night In

2010-06-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

I'm excited (read absolutely exhausted) to be spending our first night in the new house. We spent this weekend getting the big furniture out & into new place. I spent the day at the new house w/H, and I just don't feel like I got anything accomplished. I despise moving, because I dislike change. But here we are, and if we get everything cleaned up & out by 2mrw eve, we get our damage deposit back cash in hand.
Tomorrow is a daycare day. Remind me to blog about Friday's daycare day...pure insanity to which no amount of caffeine could save me from.
We got mostly everything over...cept the pots&pans&silverware. LOL. Good thing we live close to amenities that just happen to have microwavable meals & plastic forks or spoons...I'm just wondering why they don't have sporks!
Maybe it's the stress of change wearing on me, cause I didn't actually do any of the heavy moving, but I sure feel like I did!

Moving again...

2010-06-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. Two days worth of moving, and I'm not even doing all of the heavy lifting! I'm bagged. Hopefully tonight will yeild some sleep that's a lot more restful. At least we have one more week to get everything out, so it's not just left-til-the-last-minute-hectic.

Moving into town will change a lot of things for us, I expect. Not only will it allow for us to travel monthly into the bigger towns, but it will allow for more social interaction, and resting.

It's very exciting.

This afternoon I have to go do some volunteer duties. I'm bagged. Eventually I'll be able to look back on this and say...well, I made it. Thank god for coffee.